Odd to realize it's not all you.

[mssalty]

My stress levels have been through the roof and I've been focusing on triggers and self examination.   I realized in the last few days that much of my anger, tension, and stress is not because I've become a miserable person, but because my coping mechanisms I used to have have been defeated, and my safe places both internally and externally have been worn away.   My own sense of reality has been reshaped by people in my life who cannot focus outside of themselves and so because of my own nature (codependent and empathetic) I haven't had anyone telling me to take care of myself or recognize my own needs, even when I try to express them.   

I feel broken down, and I really thought it was all my failure.   But in realizing I wasn't always this way, I started to realize it's my own coping mechanisms trying to process the failed coping mechanisms of others and protecting myself.   Unfortunately, the protection mechanism was to shut out much of what caused me joy because I felt like I had no right to it, or others would ridicule it, or I simply figured... .What's the point? 

[Michelle27]

My stress levels have been through the roof and I've been focusing on triggers and self examination.   I realized in the last few days that much of my anger, tension, and stress is not because I've become a miserable person, but because my coping mechanisms I used to have have been defeated, and my safe places both internally and externally have been worn away.   My own sense of reality has been reshaped by people in my life who cannot focus outside of themselves and so because of my own nature (codependent and empathetic) I haven't had anyone telling me to take care of myself or recognize my own needs, even when I try to express them.   

I feel broken down, and I really thought it was all my failure.   But in realizing I wasn't always this way, I started to realize it's my own coping mechanisms trying to process the failed coping mechanisms of others and protecting myself.   Unfortunately, the protection mechanism was to shut out much of what caused me joy because I felt like I had no right to it, or others would ridicule it, or I simply figured... .What's the point? 

I can totally relate to this. Feeling at the end of my coping skills quite often during the past year while I've been working on healing and it's frustrating.  I'm no longer walking on eggshells waiting for my ex's next rage to come out of nowhere, but sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the ax to fall as far as some new stress coming my way.  I hope it time, that fades.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Salty, The point, as you acknowledge, is to start taking care of yourself again, and recognizing your own needs.  That's being authentic.  No one can do it for you.  Agree, your coping mechanisms have been worn down.  Start by loving yourself.  Stop being the emotional receptacle for others.  Suggest you rebuild your happy place, which is your "Bubble."  Your boundaries are your bubble; they control what you take in and what you leave out.  Maybe its time to shore up your boundaries?  Your bubble is where you feel secure and buffered.  It's your happy place and safe space.  Only you can control and maintain your bubble.  It's up to you.  Go ahead, put yourself in your bubble and see if that helps.   

LuckyJim

[Sunfl0wer]

Sometimes to stay in a dysfunctional relationship means we adopt 'dysfunctional' coping mechanisms.  Well, because if we were to just employ healthy ones,... .then the relationship could fall apart.  We are wired to maintain bonds with others for protection/safety.  Yet when the ones we are bonded to cause us harm in some way, it competes with our sensibilities and we can feel unsafe when breaking bonds and also unsafe maintaining bonds... .it gets understandably confusing.

Are you saying that you feel like you have had to adapt your coping mechanisms to suit your current circumstances?

Can you explain more what you mean?  

What coping are you using now?  

What do you feel you lost?

[anon72]

Hi Salty,

I am a newbie here, but can totally relate to what you are saying.  I was just asking myself whether I had become a miserable person or not a few moments ago?  And then read your post - believe it or not.

I would also agree - I had been using coping mechanisms/beating myself up (more like lack of a coping style) for so long and not giving myself permission to have joy in my life - that I am starting to develop healthy coping mechanisms from scratch almost (after 43 years).  It is a slow work in progress, I know, but you (and all of us) will get there - I am sure.  And also creating your bubble and looking after your own needs first - finally realized how important that was - think I was too concerned about making everyone else happy and doing things for my mum (subconsciously) for so many years - that I didn't even realize.  Lucky Jim posted some good advice (that reminded me of what I needed to keep doing also).  I just have to keep remind myself (as I am sure you do also) that I am a work in progress.

All the best Salty