"Dear, I'm going to have go now..."

[unicorn2014]

So I had my first opportunity to put into practice what I've been wanting to put into practice: stepping away from a conversation that was upsetting to me.

I got a phone call from my daughter's therapist's secretary informing me that she was going to have to cancel our meeting in two weeks which gave me an opportunity to tell the secretary that my daughter had started track season and I had misgivings about her either missing practice or us taking two buses to get to the therapist after practice. I asked her to pass on a message to the therapist asking her to find someone in our city, or one of two neighboring cities. The secretary understood my position and said that track in and of itself could be therapeutic. I agreed and it said it would curtail her drug use as well her going to a city she is not allowed to go to.

I got this phone call while on a call from my partner, he had called me to tell me he was exhausted. He is working on some tax related stuff that is going to affect his divorce. When my partner had called I had answered by asking him if he had something to report since we had just had a 50 minute phone call where I updated him on what was going on with me.

The clincher is my partner used a phrase about my daughter's track activity I had asked him not to use before because it was triggering to me, "I'm not going not to pay attention to this", he said he wouldn't, and then he ended up using it. I said to him I didn't want to talk about this anymore and then he started escalating it. He claimed I didn't want to talk about my daughter anymore and I said no I don't want to talk about this specific issue of track. My partner claims my daughter is not serious about track and therefore not worthy of his attention in this area. My position is I don't care if she's serious or not, at least she's doing it. When he wouldn't back down I said ":)ear, I'm going to have go now" and he hung up on me!

Then as I expected he texted me, and he called me. I didn't read his text and I didn't answer his call. I was thinking about blocking him just so I don't have to see his texts show up on my badge, and so I don't have to see his calls come through. I can not put my phone in do not disturb mode at 11 in the morning because my partner is being a jerk. In order to block him I might have to read his text, however I could turn off my read receipt, and block him. Do you think this is the nuclear option or should I employ it? I'm seriously considering it just so I can have some space for once because as the board has told me he will not give me space, I have to take it. In fact he is calling me a second time. Keep in mind he hung up on me, I did not hang up on him. God only knows how many texts he has sent me since I've written this post.

Btw, I read an article on Facebook recently that stated what if I'm not really depressed, what if I'm just really surrounded by jerks? Notice I was nice to my partner, "dear I'm going to have to go now", he was the jerk, he hung up on me after saying something he promised he wouldn't say again, then he had the nerve to text me and call me after he hung up on me!

Of course if I point out to him he hung up on me he will state that I said I was going to go as if that justifies his being a jerk.

Any ideas on what my next move should be?

Oh to further complicate things, my daughter referred to my partner as her stepdad when talking to her new love interest on the phone. I was shocked to hear that, I certainly had not prompted her, so my daughter considers a man who I'm conflicted about being in a relationship with to be her stepdad. Lovely. Just lovely.   

===

One of his texts says called, I will try you later today. The previous one was reporting what he will be doing tomorrow. He's trying to simulate a marriage with me even though we're long distance and he's going through a divorce. How ironic. The way he communicates with me reminds me of the way my dad communicates with my mom, except they've been together for over 40 years. My partner is definitely trying to get his relationship needs met through even though he's 3 hours away and not yet divorced from his wife. To me that's nonsense.

I think I will just leave it at that for now. If he continues to persist I am prepared to block him. I did turn off read receipts so I can go in and block him if need be without being detected. Of course he will know I blocked him because texts will get sent sms and he will go directly to voicemail, so I hope I don't have to take that route.

[Daniell85]

Honestly, you have indicated to him that if he hung up on you, communication was over for the day.

I think you handled trying to disengage from a difficult conversation in a very kind and loving way. It was his choice to be rude about it.

Yes, it is aggrivating to deal with his follow up texts and calling. At the same time, you are in an excellent position to enforce your boundary. Who cares that he said he will call you later today? He already knows the boundary and he is trying to take over and control the outcome after he violated your boundary.

Enforce it, girlfriend. 

[unicorn2014]

The thing is we  had planned to do a group chat together both participate in a group chat this afternoon on Friday afternoons so I can't avoid him entirely. It is more of a chat that I participate in that I invited him to participate in. I didn't state my boundary to him today however I'm not sure if I need to take that drastic of a measure. If I can hold off on reading his texts or taking his calls until after the chat, that might be enough for me. I noticed he sent me a text informing me he had put some things on the calendar. He's trying to hook me.

I may consider enforcing my no talking for the rest of the day boundary. I'm on the fence about it right now. I at least am not going to talk to him until the chat where I will have to see him publicly online.

----

As I was about to post my modified version of my reply he called me a third time. I think if I'm going to enforce my boundary I'm going to have to block him. Like I said I can not afford to put my phone in do not disturb mode at 12 in the afternoon just because he's being a problem. After hours I can put in do not disturb mode and mark any family members I may need to hear from as favorites, but during the school/business day I have to keep it in regular mode.

[Grey Kitty]

This sounds very much like the same stuff you've been going through here for quite a while with him.

The clincher is my partner used a phrase about my daughter's track activity I had asked him not to use before because it was triggering to me, "I'm not going not to pay attention to this", he said he wouldn't, and then he ended up using it. I said to him I didn't want to talk about this anymore and then he started escalating it. He claimed I didn't want to talk about my daughter anymore and I said no I don't want to talk about this specific issue of track. My partner claims my daughter is not serious about track and therefore not worthy of his attention in this area. My position is I don't care if she's serious or not, at least she's doing it. When he wouldn't back down I said ":)ear, I'm going to have go now" and he hung up on me!

I'm seriously considering it just so I can have some space for once because as the board has told me he will not give me space, I have to take it. In fact he is calling me a second time. Keep in mind he hung up on me, I did not hang up on him. God only knows how many texts he has sent me since I've written this post.

Of course if I point out to him he hung up on me he will state that I said I was going to go as if that justifies his being a jerk.

Please stop focusing on who hung up on who, and who escalated what. Honestly, this sounds like two little kids in the back seat of the car arguing about "who started it."

You aren't going to find any useful answers there. You are the one who doesn't have BPD. You have to take the emotional leadership to make things get better. I guarantee he's NOT going to take the lead there.

Instead, look at the dynamic between the two of you. When things start to escalate, the two of you are going to hurt each other. Try to be mindful and notice things are escalating. Maybe you will catch it early, and be able to change the subject. Maybe you won't notice that things have escalated until after one of you hangs up. (You will get better with practice and time.) Either way, you hit a point where you are upset with him and likely to be reactive. END THE CONVERSATION THEN. Stop interacting with him. Give yourself time to calm down. Stop the fight. Step away. Don't call back. Don't take a call.

Not because he disrespected you by hanging up on you.

Because if you talk to him, you will harm your relationship farther.

And don't listen to him when he is that upset and you are too. Because his words will harm your relationship further too.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is step away and choose not to make a deeper cut than you've already done.

Oh to further complicate things, my daughter referred to my partner as her stepdad when talking to her new love interest on the phone. I was shocked to hear that, I certainly had not prompted her, so my daughter considers a man who I'm conflicted about being in a relationship with to be her stepdad. Lovely. Just lovely.   

You are terribly conflicted about your relationship with him. But you are in a relationship with him.

You've said before that the only consistently good thing he does for you is in how he acts as a father figure for your daughter.

All three of you (You, him, and your daughter) act like he is her stepdad. Don't blame your daughter for saying that the emperor has no clothes.

Using that word doesn't make anything more complicated than it already is--It does point out clearly how complicated your life is. If you convince yourself that what you are in with this guy isn't a relationship, and freak out when somebody points out that it is, you distract yourself from the very real issues in your very real relationship.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you GK, it actually worked, I didn't get in a fight with him yesterday. Today was a different matter, we got in a fight over my daughter, he asked me "is she dropping out of track" because she didn't go to her meet today and that rubbed me the wrong way.

He does do more for me then help me with my daughter, he also encourages me as an artist, and he helps me deal with my own mental health issues (PTSD).

Today's fight wasn't as bad as last Saturday's fight. I realized why Saturdays are hard: my daughter's home from school.

I think right now I'm just frustrated that its a LDR. That is not something I can change. So I have to either accept that I'm in a LDR, with a man with BPD traits who is going through a long, drawn out divorce, or leave. I know the drill.

[Grey Kitty]

Today's fight wasn't as bad as last Saturday's fight. I realized why Saturdays are hard: my daughter's home from school.

There is a little gem of self-knowledge. When you are having a more stressful day, you don't have the emotional reserves to deal with conflict or provocation as well.

Knowing your own limitations gives you the ability to plan around them... .For example, avoiding stressful people or situations if at all possible when your reserves are lower.

[unicorn2014]

I think Saturday my partner gets insecure because I have less time for him, for example today I slept towards noon after getting up at 6 and finding out my daughter didn't want to go to her track meet. Then the first thing I tell my partner is she didn't go to her track meet and he asks me "did she drop out of track?".  I tell him that's a provocative question,  he denies it and we're off to the races. Then I tell him "you told me yesterday to tell you when something you said triggered me, well, I'm telling you now, asking me if my daughter dropped out of track because she didn't go to her meet is triggering to me, I would've told you if she decided to drop out of track."

The funny thing about it is I was able to tell my daughter this time we were getting in a fight over you, because you decided at the last minute, (6 in the morning) not to go to your track meet, after I planned the whole weekend around it.

See, my daughter uses whether or not I'm arguing with my man about her to determine whether or not my man cares about her. In the past, and she is the one who told me this, when I argued with her dad about her her dad said "its not about her" and I said "yes it is". And as it turns out my daughter made a snarky remark of her own "you never let me drop out of anything", so my partner's remark was probably closer to the truth then I wanted to deal with. As I've stated before temperamentally my partner and my daughter are more alike in some ways then my partner and I or my daughter and I.

Today my partner totally reminded me of my dad, "did she drop out of track?" is exactly the kind of snarky, sarcastic remark my dad would make. I was able to tell my partner that too.

[Turkish]

The funny thing about it is I was able to tell my daughter this time we were getting in a fight over you, because you decided at the last minute, (6 in the morning) not to go to your track meet, after I planned the whole weekend around it. .

It's not good to share such things with her. You're placing her in the middle of adult conflct, and triangulating her into things you and he should be working out amongst yourselves. This would go even if he were living there with you in the same house, and even if he were her father. It may feel to her that she's the one responsible for the conflict when ultimately she isn't. Children aren't responsible for adult relationships.

[unicorn2014]

I was saying that because she heard the argument and the funny thing is it outed her: she may want to drop out but she knows my no dropping out policy very well. It wasn't a hostile fight. I took offense at him asking me if she dropped out of track. Track is a sensitive issue. He used to be a track captain in high school  . He says she's not serious about track she just wants to look good. We've argued about that too. His dad was a marine lieutenant so his parenting style can be stern or gruff , however it's preferable to me then either my father or her father.