Acceptance of the Discard

[Trip09]

Hi all,

I have found i am slowly accepting the discard from my ex BPD. It was (as im sure it was with many of you) a brutal end to our relationship. Words wont describe the awful things she did to me... Plus as they all do, she moved on straight away to another guy and is still with him.

Its been about 9 months since this all happened and although i feel i am moving forward well in life, im still finding i have a sadness in my soul. Sad for everything that happened, sad for what i went through, sad for how she lives her life and sad for the new guy who, like the rest of her ex's, will be looking this stuff up in time to come...

How have any of you managed to accept and be okay being cruelly discarded by someone you loved dearly. What did you do to cope with heartbreak of having them walk out of your life? im just seeking advice to rid my self of this sadness. i feel i have been with it long enough and its time to let go, but any comforting and encouraging words would be great!

For all the newbies, believe me it does get better... its a process and i hated hearing people say it, but it is true! When you start to reach the end, you will look back and see it as one of your greatest gifts as it helps make you the person you love more and more each day!

happiness and love to you all!

[hurting300]

How did she break up with you? And the way I did it this is I STUDIED her past relationships and the disorder it's self. Once I stopped believing she was my happiness I got better. I think most of us suffer from Stockholm syndrome after the discard. We are addicted to this train wreck of a human being and once they are gone we feel empty. Study her, there you fine your answer my friend. And so what if she still with your replacement? That in no way shape or form makes him better. He WILL suffer the same as you.

[Trip09]

Here is a link to my BPD story if you want to read... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287803.msg12710826#msg12710826

In short, we were together for 2 years, bought a house and after 1 week of living there she just unleashed all her BPD on me... There were times throughout our relationship it slipped out a bit, but i ignored it because i had no idea what BPD was or she put it back away... I think the reality of "us" and the house truly hit her and i was starting to expose her true self. So she basically kicked me out, told a whole bunch of lies and shacked up with my replacement shortly after... It was a lot to take in having been so in love with her, even had a ring ready to propose... thank god i didnt!

I STUDIED her past relationships and the disorder it's self. Once I stopped believing she was my happiness I got better.

Thanks basically it... Thank you, i really need to manifest that she isnt my happiness... Far from it! It doesnt get to me too much that she is still with him, i feel for the guy because i know he might go further than i did with her, but the result in time to come will sadly be the same

The words "you dodged a bullet" have been spoken to me over and over again, and its right... i guess im just still finding it hard to accept

[jessedsickabouther]

I'm sorry but I don't think this is a gift. Basically if I understand everything correctly I was susceptible to a person like this because of how our parents treated me when I was little. So basically I'm being punished twice for something that I never did and I'm supposed to look at this as a gift. Maybe it's a gift if you're 23 or 24.

I'll tell you what this feels like. It feelS like a cartoon where the woman in the cartoon is really a robot who has been programmed to love you. And then after a substantial period of time somebody goes in and lifts up the little patch on her back and makes a few adjustments and the very next day she's program to hate you. And worse than that she can apparently never be reprogrammed to love you again Permanently so you wasted all of that time. This is the type of gift that people commit suicide over so I'm not really seeing the gift portion of this even though moderators and everybody will try to tell you that you need to look at yourself.

If the exact same behaviour that I used would be good in a healthy relationship with a healthy person why do I need to look at myself.

Oh you were conned out of your money you need to look at yourself oh you were raped you need to look at yourself

3 months ago today was the last time I saw my ex. She broke up with me after cheating 10 days prior and moved out. 4 days later confessed how much she missed me and made every promise in the world to me. 5 days after that she came over late at night by surprise and told me that she was all in. Can you imagine my you for you thinking that she had come to her senses. Within 10 minutes she threw up all over the floor. We went to bed the next morning by the time she woke up she was a different person. Said something about us getting together twice a week for a friends with benefit. I could tell she wasn't doing well. I took time out of my day to drive to her office and bring her food and a few other things and gave her a hug and kiss her head. I've never seen her since. She sent me a goodbye text the next day

You are on a support website still 9 months later and I don't say that to be a jerk I'm just saying it's obviously still so upsetting so I have a hard time looking at it as a gift. Seems more like a kick in the nuts that you don't ever really get over.

[joeramabeme]

How have any of you managed to accept and be okay being cruelly discarded by someone you loved dearly. What did you do to cope with heartbreak of having them walk out of your life? 

That is a simple question with a not so simple answer.  First, I can't so that I am totally over the discard but I am worlds apart from when I first asked myself the same question. 

For me it has been a two-pronged approach; time and effort.  The time part is simple; you get hurt and it will take time to heal.  Even the best medicine can't change the need for time.  With 9 months behind you, you are well on the way.

In tandem with time is; understanding the disorder, how our pwBPD displayed those traits with us and where we fit into that r/s.  Many of us find this site and immediately attach to the descriptions about BPD and how those negative traits impacted us and brought most of us to the end of the r/s.  In the beginning, I was in a hypnotic trance of replaying what happened over and over again and then constantly churning thoughts in my mind about the why and how of BPD.

The hardest part of this process for me has been to learn why I was involved with a person with this disorder.  My understanding of that the answer does not minimize the behaviors or pain I felt but it placed me in a position of self-knowledge which empowered me to start moving forward from the past.

Others offer a variety of answers as to why they were involved.  I know mine stem from childhood and neglectful parents.  Each persons reasons vary.

Further, sometimes we just hear the end result of someone who has been through the process; I am so happy to be free, I dodged a bullet etc.  When I first read these responses all I could think was, you are being dishonest.  But truly, I have healed enough to say I would not go back to the marriage I was living in - despite the pain of the discard.

Here is something to think about regarding all this; you can never un-know something you have learned.  Once you understand the dynamics of your own role inside a BP r/s, there is no denying it and the better off you will be in the future because of it.

FWIW, there is no time limit on getting past the past.  The criterion for progress should be, am I moving forward in a healthy direction.  Sounds like you are.

happiness and love to you all!

Same to you!

[Itstopsnow]

For me I don't see dating him as a gift. Although I realize and I'm grateful to God that I do not have to live with his disorder. I think it's so painful because we loved and trusted these people. We stuck with them through a lot of hell only to find out there was so much betrayal and lies and manipulations that many of us had no clue was going on. It hurts to realize there was a darker side to our ex that we never knew. It still gets me so mad! I try to remember he is sick and these issues are his and his alone! I haven't talked to him since November 10th. I am starting to see that I like who I am better without him! I'm a kind good person! I am fair and try to be helpful and just .

He had me believing I was a bad person, that I had anger issues and was negative. Now I know it was him. It always was him! I also like my alone time. Although I wish I had more to fill my time with but I'm hopeful I'll get there! I'm mad that I didnt stand up for myself more! That I allowed him to tell me these things. There are parts of him I do miss despite how abusive he became . But I am also hopeful that when I do find a healthy relationship that I won't miss those parts anymore. Because even fun times with him were always based on what he wanted to do and his needs. It was never an equal relationship.

[hurting300]

Accepting it was hard for me. Very hard.

[Confused108]

I was fooled 2x by my ex. Once as a teen then 28 years later. I had no idea about BPD and after all her bull $hit lies about love and your the one the lines I'm sure everyone else here has been handed totally duped me the only "gift" I can say is that she will NEVER have another chance with me again.

[once removed]

hey trip 

as they say, healing is not a linear process. its great that youve made tremendous progress in nine months, and are able to look back and see it, but its understandable that the experience still leaves you with a lot of sadness. mental illness is a sad reality. what you say suggests to me that you feel both compassion for yourself and your former partner.

How have any of you managed to accept and be okay being cruelly discarded by someone you loved dearly. What did you do to cope with heartbreak of having them walk out of your life? im just seeking advice to rid my self of this sadness. i feel i have been with it long enough and its time to let go, but any comforting and encouraging words would be great!

first of all, not easily, and not for a long time. knowing that others had been through it helped. understanding the disorder driven motivations behind it went a long way toward depersonalizing her actions. probably most of all, i eventually reached a point where the decision was mine. that the relationship needed to end for both of our benefit. i tried to break up with my ex numerous times without follow through. its possible that if she hadnt ended it in the manner she did, i might still be there, or that there would have been a series of breakup/makeups, or that i would have felt tremendous guilt upon leaving as many members here feel when they end it. i reached peace with the outcome. it was mine, i couldnt change it, and in retrospect i wouldnt - that acceptance gave me peace. i didnt just wake up and decide any of this, it was a process. we can all get there.

[steelwork]

How have any of you managed to accept and be okay being cruelly discarded by someone you loved dearly. What did you do to cope with heartbreak of having them walk out of your life? im just seeking advice to rid my self of this sadness. i feel i have been with it long enough and its time to let go, but any comforting and encouraging words would be great!

I'm about a year out. I'm still very sad, still cry a lot, but the sadness has evolved into something more general. That sounds bad, but I don't think it is. What I mean is, I know that only a certain percentage of the sadness I felt after being discarded and frozen out was actually about that. The experience ripped me open, and now I'm dealing with a lot of very ancient grief.

I tell myself that's progress. I hope it's progress. I feel like there was so much sadness stored up in me, you know?

[Bigjay73]

Honestly,  I now look at it as I was able to spend time witha smokin hot woman, and have sex that most guys only dream about.sounds simple and crude, but it gets me by. I couple that with the understanding and knowledge that every guy she ever dated, or will date will have the same fate as I. I turn the tables on all the horrible things that she projected on to me, that I believed at the time, and realize that she was talking about herself. I had to look in the mirror and remind myself what a great guy I am. Not perfect,  but an honest, caring man. Dating again helped as well. Getting back into relationships with normal women showed me how it's supposed to feel.

[HarleypsychRN]

First,

You take control of YOUR own life back... .for me that meant learning everything I could about the disorder. Man mine was textbook BPD. I saw it when I began to read about the dysfunctionality of their relationships. The along with talking back control, you let time do what it does best... .heal. You don't blame yourself (what did I do or what could I have done... .).

Most of them are master actor or actresses, they dupe you, know what you need and prey on that until you're... .addicted. Then they devalue you and then they're gone. Be grateful they're gone and look to establish some healthy relationships. As with any addiction, the withdrawal phase is the toughest. Therapy helps, call a friend every night or a few times a week.  Keep connected, keep busy, go NC... .for God's sake go NC.

You, we'll, all recover from this. I just takes time.