Disability rated 100% permanent and total

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This post is kinda and update on the life of formflier.

JQ and some other vets (and non vets) have been very supportive.  I appreciate you guys.

Got big news today as I spent most of the day and VA with lovely appointments and all that process. 

Prior to today I had been rated at 90% disabled, but a lot of things weren't rated/diagnosed/cared for correctly.  For those not familiar with "VA speak" this means that I had 10% of my pre service ability left in me.  My wife has "used this" to beat me up about needing to do more, etc etc.  Many other times she has been in denial that there is any disability at all, that I'm a faker.

Anyway the decision has gone through that my rating is now 100% disabled and they believe those disabilities to be "stable" (not get better) so they have marked my file as "permanent and total".  They don't plan to come back and examine me to try and reduce my disability rating in the future.

So, I get it that it is kinda weird to say I am happy about this, but there are a significant amount of new benefits that open up to me and my family because of this.

How this will play out in the BPD r/s, I still need to think about this.  I'm open to suggestions and insight.  I am not going to bring it up until MC on Monday.  VA/medical talk has been triggering to her and I've basically shut her out of the process, because of her interference.

This is a big milestone and plus for me as far as getting my benefits "right".


FF

[formflier]

This post is kinda and update on the life of formflier.

JQ and some other vets (and non vets) have been very supportive.  I appreciate you guys.

Got big news today as I spent most of the day and VA with lovely appointments and all that process. 

Prior to today I had been rated at 90% disabled, but a lot of things weren't rated/diagnosed/cared for correctly.  For those not familiar with "VA speak" this means that I had 10% of my pre service ability left in me.  My wife has "used this" to beat me up about needing to do more, etc etc.  Many other times she has been in denial that there is any disability at all, that I'm a faker.

Anyway the decision has gone through that my rating is now 100% disabled and they believe those disabilities to be "stable" (not get better) so they have marked my file as "permanent and total".  They don't plan to come back and examine me to try and reduce my disability rating in the future.

So, I get it that it is kinda weird to say I am happy about this, but there are a significant amount of new benefits that open up to me and my family because of this.

How this will play out in the BPD r/s, I still need to think about this.  I'm open to suggestions and insight.  I am not going to bring it up until MC on Monday.  VA/medical talk has been triggering to her and I've basically shut her out of the process, because of her interference.

This is a big milestone and plus for me as far as getting my benefits "right".


FF

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know a thing about the VA or much about disability benefits... .so I'm asking out of ignorance.

What if you get a full-time good paying job? (You mentioned interviews going well in another topic) Will that jeopardize your disability benefits?

[bruceli]

IME, under similar circumstances,  I was told... ."then you must have cheated on the tests and examinations!"

[Sunfl0wer]

My wife has "used this" to beat me up about needing to do more... .etc etc.  Many other times she has been in denial that there is any disability at all... .that I'm a faker.

My two cents... .

Don't expect her to change her understanding of your disability.

Don't expect her to beat you up less about it.

Expect she may beat you up more as the VA has now invalidated her reality and she may need to dysregulate or otherwise make some expression in this regard.

So I guess I'm saying... .

Plan for the worse.  Hope for the best.  Be pleased if it is not 'the worse.'

Proceed being mindful that this news may be a trigger for her as it may be invalidating.

Be sensitive to not appear to be throwing it in her face or otherwise pleased by the news.

[formflier]

I don't know a thing about the VA or much about disability benefits, so I'm asking out of ignorance.

What if you get a full-time good paying job? (You mentioned interviews going well in another topic) Will that jeopardize your disability benefits?

Nope, no jeopardy.

There are other VA programs that can pay 100% disability if you can't get a job.  Those are more like SSDI.

This VA program is strictly based on review of my abilities (now) versus seeing what they were 20 years ago, or how they progressed (declined actually) over the years in service.

It's funky math too.  You would think two 50% disabilities would get you to 100.  

Nope.

A 50% disability (for one issue) means you have 50% left.  If your next disability is rated at 40%, they take 40% of the remaining 50 and you have roughly a little less than 30% left over.  Let's assume there is another 50% disability comes along.  You would take half of 30% to get to 15% remaining.

Getting to 100 is pretty tough.  It took me three claim cycles and some persistence.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

OK, so in summary--it makes some benefits cleaner, fuller, and easier.   

It doesn't impact your job search. 

AND... .though you might wish otherwise... .it doesn't impact the stuff your wife says to you about your disability. That has more to do with her paranoia and mental illness than either your actual condition or the VA's assessment of your condition. 

[formflier]

Proceed being mindful that this news may be a trigger for her as it may be invalidating.

Be sensitive to not appear to be throwing it in her face or otherwise pleased by the news.

Yep,

I understand that even nons would hold out hope that the person would "snap out of it" and get back to not having their disability.  Especially one that presents well.  All my parts are still attached (thankfully) and you would probably think I was walking slow or perhaps had and odd gait to my walk if you paid attention.  

On good days, after I have gotten good and loosened up, I can sometimes walk around almost like normal.

Basically, I can understand how someone can look at me and say "there's a big strong man, he can help me do, (fill in the blank).  

So, I can have empathy with my wife for wanting the old me back, I do to.  But, I've made my peace with it and focus more on what I can do, vice what I can't do.  

If you have read my posts, and that of many other r/s with BPD in it, their is hyper focus on failure and what is not done.  Very frustrating for a normal 100% able guy.  

For me, when I get something done and it takes 3-4 time as long as I know it should (if I was normal), I'm now able to still be proud of that and enjoy my result, but my skin is still pretty thin to the "what have you been doing all day?" question and after the answer she says, "that's it?"

Yeah, that's it,

Anyway, I have had success is stepping out of those conversations if she gets mean (which is before it turns abusive).  Not sure if I can make it any better or not.  There are times when that conversation goes ok, but, more often than not, it doesn't go well.

FF

[formflier]

OK, so in summary--it makes some benefits cleaner, fuller, and easier.   

It doesn't impact your job search. 

AND, though you might wish otherwise, it doesn't impact the stuff your wife says to you about your disability. That has more to do with her paranoia and mental illness than either your actual condition or the VA's assessment of your condition. 

You've got it.   

Basically, I've reached "the top" of the VA disability chain.  Now I can focus on being the best I can be with what I have, vice going to all kinds of crazy tests and doctors to "connect" current symptoms and diagnoses to things that happened in military service.

FF

[Notwendy]

I'm glad this works out well for you financially, but I don't know how your wife will react to this. I don't know how you would want to tell her.

I recall that when my father was less able, she reacted with disbelief. I think she either thought he was not doing the things he couldn't do on purpose to get at her, or that he would magically turn into a healthy young man but he was refusing to. I'm sure she had some sad feelings that her H was having health issues but her reaction to that was paradoxical.

[flourdust]

My thoughts... .

I think it would be best to focus on the improvement in benefits, IF these are things that she will see as beneficial to her. If this means you'll be saving money or having other resources that help her or the kids out, that's something she might react positively to.

You may wish to downplay the new classification -- that could come across as invalidating by basically seeming to her as you trying to win an argument. (In her mind, the two of you are arguing about your disability and how much work you do, so you announcing that you've got this classification could come across as you launching an attack to resume the argument. In BPD logic, that is.)

[empath]

What kind of new benefits are available to you?

I think I remember that your wife is a special ed teacher... .  How much does she know about your evaluations and diagnoses?

[formflier]

What kind of new benefits are available to you?

I think I remember that your wife is a special ed teacher,  How much does she know about your evaluations and diagnoses?

Money goes up significantly.  Each of my kids gets access to 4 years of college under a different chapter of GI bill.  Family gets medical coverage (most likely duplicate here, because I already have tricare retired), I get dental benefits at the VA.  

For those of you that are plugged into my reasons for this move will remember we moved for state veterans education beneftis.  Each kid gets 4 years free at state school.  

So, these new bennies will go "on top" of those.  Bottom line, each of my kids can get through masters degree for free now.  I have one that is thinking of being a vet, will have to see how this may apply to that.

Tonight's tasker is to look through benefits and see what other goodies are in there.

Oh yeah, last question, she knows nothing about how the VA does things.  In one ear and out the other.  Yep, she is special ed and can get around an IEP like nobodies business, but other types of evals for disability, she knows little about.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations on successfully navigating the VA system. I watched a friend go through this and all the hurdles and barriers they threw at him--it was astounding. I understand now why there are veterans sleeping under bridges--it takes a lot of persistence to succeed and so many people who sustained service related disabilities are unable to overcome all the obstacles in the system.

It's too bad that your wife can't celebrate this victory which will help your family in so many ways. But alas... .BPD   

[formflier]

Congratulations on successfully navigating the VA system.  

Thanks,  By law it is an "adversarial system" and does take a lot of persistence.

By the same token, my doctor at the VA is one of the best I have ever had.  Takes his time, explains things multiple times to me.

Oh yeah, my health and self care.  Probably good as a time as any to discuss.

Blood pressure.  VA got me a cuff that I use daily.  My averages are in the 130ish over 80ish (usually on the higher side).  :)oc wants to continue monitoring, we are on the edge of "doing something".  So, I was most likely particularly stressed during those really high readings, but it does seem that BP has elevated from the fall, very likely due to stress over current r/s status.

He is happy with my weight loss from a year ago.  Between 20-30 lbs and wants me to keep the press on.

I used to be "pre-diabetic" and now I am not.  (Note:  A few more blood tests still to come in)   Diet and exercise have been key here.   My big change was focusing on lean protein for breakfast, so I wouldn't be hungry rest of the day.  Then several smaller meals in day.  Minimal food close to bedtime.

This doc is a bit anti-medication.  I am that way as well, so we go good together.  On blood pressure he believes that continued weight loss, getting rid of stress in my life, and lots of swimming and walking will get it back to normal.

His take on my is that yes I have a lot of limitations in my life, but there is nothing in particular about those limitations that will prevent me from living another 40 years as long as I maintain best practices (sleep, exercise, eat right, monitor things to catch new issues early).

So, eliminating stress from my life,  

Last:  He wants to wean me off Ibuprofen for arthritis/joint/muscle pain relief and we are trying Aleve (non-brand name).

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Kinda new random thought popped in my head about this that occurred to me... .

(Just figured out... .thinking kinda out loud here)

This reminded me of my sister.(uBPD/bipolar)  Her mind is constantly living in the past.  When she discusses her relationships with people, it is not with the understanding that the person she is discussing is the 'today Sunflower' or the 'Today Karen,' etc.  Her 'definition' of who the person is, is like a memorialized version of that person from some moment in time that she has experienced with that person.  

So when she talks about or to her good friend Karen, it is like she is living a flashback to some time with her interactions of that person.  For this reason, she loves talking to Karen, as she is then feeling flashbacked to her old self at the age of 17.

I wonder if there is a term for this?

Anyway... . How to apply this to FF?

I wonder if the move closer to her parents kinda 'flashbacked' her identity.  Not just the influence of the family, but triggered a regression to a former FFw with less coping skills and the emotional presence you are observing.  I wonder if a transitional object of sorts from the time when she was highest functioning would ground her back to a more functioning time?

So I wonder if he perception of your disability status is also because she has 'flashbacked' her image of her identity of you to a time when you actually WERE less disabled.  

Yes, this all may seem a bit similar to denial, however, I think the idea of realizing their identity and memory is so fragmented at times and frozen in different 'locations'... .well, thinking this way did feel helpful to me... .maybe someone else thinks as well... .fwiw.

[formflier]

I don't know what you call that either, but I think it could be at play.

Undeniably, the close proximity of the FOO has stirred things.  She is lowest in pecking order in her FOO, so likely she feels need to dominate me to be top.

Yes her FOO is putting lot of time into rescuing her, but there is an element of "look what we have to be doing, when we really have better things to do with our time, "

No they haven't said that exactly, but the vibe is there.  FFw older sister needs support and help as does FFw twin brother, but they can't help them because they are "stuck" here dealing with FFw issues, so, let's get rid of FF so we can get back to the real issues.

Everybody is linked and there is constant shifting and comparing.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

So it sounds like you are saying that from a family systems dynamic, your wife's 'need' for her behavior is complex and serves a larger function in her life than just any present moment before you two? She has fallen into familiar patterns with them and assigned you role of prosecutor, her victim, family rescuer? ... .with shifts happening but dynamic remaining same? Idk if I am getting close.

While I realize RA is a tool for us and helps us to accept that our partner is an integrated whole of the 'good FFw' and the 'not so good FFw,' I am wondering if your situation now is different.  Your wife, was better adjusted for a long period, and appeared to discover a new baseline including lows that were not so low... .I think.

I wonder if instead of viewing her new behavior as part of her BPD/PPD, would it change anything to view it more as PTSD? 

(My thoughts go here as recently am pondering Kwamina's post  on emotional reasoning.)

I wonder if your wife is experiencing severe and overwhelming emotional flashbacks (due to move) and rather than the behavior being part of the continum of a PD, it is more a triggered regression of PTSD into a constant emotional flashback state.

Not that the labels matter exactly, but she was seemingly genuine in motives re MC, and I have heard others explain she is not actually vindictive overall.  So I wonder if what she needs to overcome this is severe grounding help... .to stop the emotional flashbacks.

However, having said all that... .if any of it does ring true, I am not sure anything could be done to stop an emotional flashback while so entangled with FOO in the way she is.  Maybe a blowup would have to happen where they are mad at her, caste her out and want NC with her, for her to stop flashing over this... .and EMDR combined with detaching from them.  If this is the case)

[empath]

Eliminating stress... .  hmm... . 

As I've become healthier emotionally,  my body has had less of the symptoms of stress. Part of it is having a detachment from the craziness and having a good sense of myself (and a good sense of God). I've developed some friendships that keeps me grounded in what is normal in relationships.

[JQ]

Hey Formflyer!

First off brother I want to say congratulations on FINALLY completing the VA nightmare.  I've been in the same battle for 3 years now and you describe in perfectly as adversarial!  I too am currently rated at 90% and like you due to incompetence of a my former "volunteer" VA service officer via the VFW I had to change to a "paid state VA service officer".  And just this week I found out that my dispute on a particular significant chronic injury was never submitted on my behalf in addition to a couple of other issues. I've also completed 3 MRI's & a nerve conduction test on a ongoing major spinal cord injury this week by a private neurosurgeon with substantial findings that I now have to resubmit again via my service officer to the VA for what I hope & pray will be the final resolution ... .I'm told this should take an additional 12-18 months for the VA findings.  I'll PM you with some additional information for you & your family in reference to your disability rating.  Funny thing, the neurosurgeon told me, "I don't know if it's the constant G's you pull in addition to the other abuse a lifetime in the military does to your body, but this isn't the first time I've seen damage like this with retired military."  I personally know more then one of us that is 100% and many of my former fliers have had & continue to have major back surgery in addition to other injuries.

You did a good trying to explain "VA math" ... .all in all ... .to get to 100% disability you need to be significantly broken with a couple of dozen chronic painful injuries. Example, if you have a leg amputated below the knee, it's only 40% ... .you'll still need to have about 18-24 additional chronic injuries to obtain the 100% status.  This isn't a entitlement by any means, simply compensation for giving of your mind, body & soul in the service of our country.  Most people separate from the military with 10% or no disabilities. And trust me, if you're rated disabled by the VA ... .you are certainly NOT faking it. The amount of hurdles one has to jump is beyond common sense ... .I'm beginning to think they earn their bonuses by the amount of claims the reject or rate at 0%.

I know like me this has been nearly a full time job for you since your retirement ... .now as you said, you can concentrate on other more important personal issues & battles that have had to take a back seat to the VA battle. 

I would be interested in finding out why the VA disability thing triggers your s/o as similar conversations triggered my exBPDgf as well.  I've tried to really research and asked a clinical physiologist but it's only guessing & theorizing at this point since we're no longer a couple & are NC. The best we could come up with is that she saw me completely disabled unable to "protect, care, provide" of her. In addition to being 100% & unable to work it was thought she might be jealous. I told the doc that I could gladly give up every dime if I could only do the things I was able to do just 2 years ago. To wake up without pain, to move without pain, to just climb a set of stairs ... .I would gladly give every dime back ... .but as we discussed ... .nothing has & NOTHING will make since to someone with BPD.  Do share your findings if the MC has a thought about this if you would please.  It also triggers my BPD mother when it comes up in conversation probably for the same reasons ... .unable to give 100% care & attention to her. "Selfish behavior of BPD".


FF, you said, "On good days, after I have gotten good and loosened up, I can sometimes walk around almost like normal.

Basically, I can understand how someone can look at me and say "there's a big strong man, he can help me do... .(fill in the blank). 

So, I can have empathy with my wife for wanting the old me back, I do to.  But, I've made my peace with it and focus more on what I can do, vice what I can't do. 

If you have read my posts, and that of many other r/s with BPD in it, their is hyper focus on failure and what is not done.  Very frustrating for a normal 100% able guy. 

For me, when I get something done and it takes 3-4 time as long as I know it should (if I was normal), I'm now able to still be proud of that and enjoy my result, but my skin is still pretty thin to the "what have you been doing all day?" question and after the answer she says... "that's it?"

I can so relate to this ... .it was as if I typed it myself.  It does take us a little longer and it was a huge mental adjustment to adapt to taking 3-4 times longer then normal on EVERYTHING we do. It can be so frustrating something so simple takes so long & leaves us in so much pain.  My exBPDgf told me that she was concerned that she was going to have to take care of me vice me taking care of her and didn't know if she could stick around knowing how beat up I was.  Well ok then    I can still do most things, just takes a little longer ... .but I'll get it done. 

Congratulations again brother!  Check your inbox ... .

JQ

[HurtinNW]

I want to second what sunflower said.

I don't have BPD but I do have PTSD. I cannot spend any time around my birth family. If I do I am triggered and it is not good. Once I had my homeless sister stay with us a few weeks. I literally could not sleep. I was a mess!

For my emotional health I cannot have my family in my life. The wounds and ugliness run too deep. They are not interested in my well-being and in fact try to hurt me.

I am wondering if this is true for your wife but she is not strong enough to see it. What may appear to be strange jockeying and power plays from your perspective could be going to her very core. She might be in a great deal of pain and not even know it.

In that situation she is probably looking for a "strong" person and like a child is equating physical strength with emotional strength. We both know they are not the same. But people in distress act and feel like children. This would be why she cannot handle the disability issues, especially at this time.

Is there any way to get her away from her family? Sorry to be blunt. When I cut off contact from my crazy, sick and abusive family it was the best thing I ever did for myself. And my kids.

[JQ]

I want to second what sunflower said.

I don't have BPD but I do have PTSD. I cannot spend any time around my birth family. If I do I am triggered and it is not good. Once I had my homeless sister stay with us a few weeks. I literally could not sleep. I was a mess!

For my emotional health I cannot have my family in my life. The wounds and ugliness run too deep. They are not interested in my well-being and in fact try to hurt me.

I am wondering if this is true for your wife but she is not strong enough to see it. What may appear to be strange jockeying and power plays from your perspective could be going to her very core. She might be in a great deal of pain and not even know it.

In that situation she is probably looking for a "strong" person and like a child is equating physical strength with emotional strength. We both know they are not the same. But people in distress act and feel like children. This would be why she cannot handle the disability issues, especially at this time.

Is there any way to get her away from her family? Sorry to be blunt. When I cut off contact from my crazy, sick and abusive family it was the best thing I ever did for myself. And my kids.

HuntingNW,

i can really relate to your comments on your family causing stress, extreme anxiety, & the detriment they have on your entire mental, emotional & physical well being.  I have a similar situation with mine as well. I've gone NC with my BPD step sister & one call away from doing it my BPD Step mother, "genetic brain defects" ... .it has been a major improvement on my overall well being like yourself.

I would like to suggest a treatment for your PTSD if you haven't heard about it yet. I've experienced my own PTSD from my time in the military & found the military Ph.d doing EMDR therapy for those of us suffering from PTSD. It has an extremely high success rate of about 96% and has been used on all types of PTSD from combat, to rape victims, mental, emotional, physical abused victims as well.  I would seek out a Ph.d or a very good therapist who has as much experience as you can find and see where it might lead you.

I like your assessment when you said, "In that situation she is probably looking for a "strong" person and like a child is equating physical strength with emotional strength."    I believe this is a possible answer to at least my experience that is being discussed for not only FF, but myself in dealing my BPD step mother/sister & exBPDgf. She so much as admitted so in a conversation about an exbf of hers that was had a long time serious chronic illness & was unable to provide the security she required & wanted. She mentioned something similar with my injuries related to my military disability and was unsure of things. No matter how much I reassured her that I could still do everything ... .well almost everything and while it would take some additional time on my part ... .she would have nothing to deal with it. AS you said, "people in distress act and feel like children" and they want that security of a "parent like" person in their life to provide the security they never had.  You triggered those memories with your statement so thank you for that assessment.

Humans are creatures of habit ... .we as NONs grow up in a ... .how did you say it HuringNW? Oh yeah ... .'my crazy, sick and abusive family"  and it's the environment we grow up in ... .it's what we know ... .it becomes ingrained as "normal" but it's anything but. When we finally leave the house and get into relationships ... .we seek out what we know to be familiar or "normal" for us ... .& the chaos, anxiety, crazy train to the flying monkey cages start all over again & the life cycle repeats itself.  Only after we look deep within ourselves after we can no longer live like we are ... .  do we learn about ourselves ... .learn why we became NONs in the first place and learn that we are creatures of habit. But as codependents we can learn we can change our behavior ... .that we must become self aware, and take an active role in the changes we must make within ourselves ... .then and only then will the crazy train to the flying monkey's stop ... .

Thanks again for the insight & nudging that memory HutingNW!

JQ

[HurtinNW]

Thank you JQ!

I don't want to thread-jack, so I will say I haven't done EMDR yet but I really should. I've had other therapy for my PTSD, and I think I am pretty aware. To tell the truth it was largely in remission until this current relationship. His rages, anger, and break-ups, along with other BPD/NPD symptoms, really triggered the PTSD. I'm not blaming him, I have continued to reengage. My PTSD also comes with abandonment fears. I am trying to unravel the role my PTSD plays in why I have continued to try and keep the relationship. As you say, you can leave the crazy flying monkey house of your family, but end up in relationships that are remarkably, and sadly, the same.

For FF I would guess that your physical disabilities are hugely triggering to your wife, for the reasons we discuss. it doesn't make rational sense but her fears are not based on rationality.

I am wondering if you can send validating messages to her that go to this fear. I know for my foster kids, who have trauma histories, I found it effective to try and meet their needs, regardless of how poorly they were expressed. For one of my sons, this meant playing superman a lot with him. I wore a cape and talked a lot in the game about how strong I was and how I would never let anyone hurt him. He really loved that game. We also played some games where he regressed to infancy and I treated him as much younger. But the point is I tried to meet the real need, and not worry over what is supposed to be normal. And just to be a proud mom for a moment, that son is now in college and very emotionally healthy 

Of course, I have found it very hard to apply those techniques to my boyfriend, for a variety of reasons.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but are there validating messages you can send to wife about your strength and desire to "wrap her" in support and care? Especially since you are both living near the crazy monkey house of her family? Not saying you have to wear a cape or anything! I imagine when you guys make love she probably enjoys those feelings of being cared for and protected. Just wondering if there are other ways to send messages of your strength.

I realize the desire to be rescued may not be healthy for your wife, but at the same time she may genuinely need help and protection from her family that she herself cannot manage. Just some thoughts!

[Cat Familiar]

I want to echo the theory that Sunfl0wer and HurtinNW have discussed.

My story growing up was that my parents had me skip a grade then we moved to a much wealthier neighborhood for the next school year. I went from a well-adjusted kid to one that was bullied because of my smaller size and my lack of understanding social cues in the new cliquey school.

It got even worse in high school and I had terrible social anxiety and perhaps even a bit of Aspergers. Typically the only reason the other kids included me in anything was because they wanted help with their homework. I was completely and utterly rejected socially, except by a few acquaintances who were in a similar social class.

Then I went to college and suddenly I was popular. Boys wanted to date me and girls wanted to be my friend. It was bizarre to go from  "untouchable" to "Brahmin" overnight.

Years later when I attended my high school reunion, those same people who had been so cruel to me once again started into me. It was really odd that they were looking for a way to belittle me. And the weird thing was that even though I was aware they were taunting me, trying to "put me in my place", I still found myself starting to fall for it, and feeling like the little mousey girl I used to be.

FF, I think something similar is happening with your wife. The proximity to her relatives is "anchoring" her back into a persona she used to be.