How do I take my power back? What can I say to him?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am putting up with the unthinkable. He is being "honest" and told me he has an intimate relationship with this woman in Germany. he spent a year and a half there. Came back here for 2 weeks he said, but it has been 5 months. Now he is going back because she figured out a way to get him money so he can afford to. Even though I spent hours listening to him talk about how he felt "kept" by her and it wasn't healthy and our relationship was healthier, so he wouldn't go back there.

She knows we have sex. So I have a terrible fantasy that he tells her it is better with her. But I am sure his ego is just all wrapped up in the fact that both me and this other woman let him do whatever he wants. Sick.

I have been with him for 6 years, 2 of which he has been in contact and/or involved with her. He is about to go to Germany again in a couple weeks. Which is when I move out of my apartment to a new one.

Him leaving and me moving--it feels like too much.  There is so much detail that I won't explain here. I'm sure you get the overall point.

I want to take a stand but keep stopping myself because:  1) I like the bit of attention I get.  2) Every time I think about what to say, I stop myself because he will have some ass answer.

I want to take my power back before he leaves. So that I don't feel like I just let it all happen TO me.

Any advice on what to say? 

 I want to say: "Everything has been on your terms--when you visit and how long you stay. I am sick of feeling like I have no voice here. I am sick of feeling in second place when you are in Germany. I am sick of listening to why you don't want to go to Germany because it is unhealthy but as soon as she gives you money, you are going.     And, I am sick of being second fiddle and taken for granted. You've let the world think we are a couple, but won't say so to me. You want to attach without attaching. You want the good stuff without offering me anything in return. You have sidestepped every chance to say anything about caring for me as a girlfriend. you want the benefits of a girlfriend but won't say that is who I am. It is demeaning and not worth my time and energy."

The bottom line is that I know he doesn't care, won't be upset by this.

[anna58]

I am putting up with the unthinkable. He is being "honest" and told me he has an intimate relationship with this woman in Germany. he spent a year and a half there. Came back here for 2 weeks he said, but it has been 5 months. Now he is going back because she figured out a way to get him money so he can afford to. Even though I spent hours listening to him talk about how he felt "kept" by her and it wasn't healthy and our relationship was healthier, so he wouldn't go back there.

She knows we have sex. So I have a terrible fantasy that he tells her it is better with her. But I am sure his ego is just all wrapped up in the fact that both me and this other woman let him do whatever he wants. Sick.

I have been with him for 6 years, 2 of which he has been in contact and/or involved with her. He is about to go to Germany again in a couple weeks. Which is when I move out of my apartment to a new one.

Him leaving and me moving--it feels like too much.  There is so much detail that I won't explain here. I'm sure you get the overall point.

I want to take a stand but keep stopping myself because:  1) I like the bit of attention I get.  2) Every time I think about what to say, I stop myself because he will have some ass answer.

I want to take my power back before he leaves. So that I don't feel like I just let it all happen TO me.

Any advice on what to say? 

 I want to say: "Everything has been on your terms--when you visit and how long you stay. I am sick of feeling like I have no voice here. I am sick of feeling in second place when you are in Germany. I am sick of listening to why you don't want to go to Germany because it is unhealthy but as soon as she gives you money, you are going.     And, I am sick of being second fiddle and taken for granted. You've let the world think we are a couple, but won't say so to me. You want to attach without attaching. You want the good stuff without offering me anything in return. You have sidestepped every chance to say anything about caring for me as a girlfriend. you want the benefits of a girlfriend but won't say that is who I am. It is demeaning and not worth my time and energy."

The bottom line is that I know he doesn't care, won't be upset by this.

[Jk416]

Hi anna58,

I am in a similar situation. I am struggling with accepting the fact that I've allowed him to cheat all this time. But since he breaks up with me all the time, I'm sure he justifies by thinking that we're not really together. That is until he feels like it again. Hang in there. We are going to be ok.

Jk

[Germanic]

I can share your pain and experience with Germany!  My BPD ex is German and we had a long distance relationship for a year between there and the US.  I suspected before I got into the relationship that he might not be 'loyal' to me or monogamous.  My suspicions were eventually proved right!  I wrestled with the idea that I could possibly accept an "open relationship" but in the end, I decided that I could not.  I realized "open" for him meant anyone, at anytime, anywhere.  Just way too much for me to handle.  I believe that is an example of the reckless behavior BPD is known for.

You may want to consider evaluating as I did how accepting you are of this "arrangement."  Curious, what part of Germany is your partner going to?  I have discovered that some parts of Germany are very liberal sexually and hardly anything is taboo.  That's OK if you are accepting of that style and for me, it could work but just not with a BPD partner who could go off on me negatively at any time.  I know it is tough but you may have to do as I did and empower yourself to bite the bullet and end the relationship in order that you can move on.  That is what I have done and I am trying to read and understand the dynamics of BPD so that I don't blame myself for the failed relationship.  It appears that like me, you are not the one who has the problem in handling a relationship.  I wish you the best in resolving the dilemma.     

[anna58]

Thank you Germanic and JK.

The other woman is in a town near the Black Forest.

I think I need to tell him that I can't handle the open relationship thing. I plan to say it without anger, but in a matter of fact way. I didn't know he was involved with her until he returned here 5 months ago. I was broken and enraged when I found out. Then I accepted it since he was here with me now. But he is going back again. I don't want this anymore.  But I am concerned I won't be able to completely let go, go NC.

Partially because I am also moving to a new apt and the stress is a lot. 
I really need more support and to reach out more to local friends and to this group.

[Germanic]

Anna,

I suspected from the very beginning that my BPDex would never be faithful to me or that I would have ever been completely satisfying to him.  It took a year for me to prove to myself that I was correct.  When a married woman decided to make a move into my relationship with my BPDex, I knew I had a real challenge on my hands.  One night, the four of us were together in a public setting which my ex arranged without my knowledge apparently in order to see how I would react.  I used the opportunity to initiate a discussion and delve into who was interested in what.  I was not surprised that the woman's husband was being dragged into the whole thing reluctantly, not unlike myself.  The conversation ended that night with a "detante" and my partner and I went home alone.

The next morning, I had a frank but firm conversation about the situation we experienced the previous evening.  I told him I felt what this woman was doing to her own family (she has small children), as well as to our own relationship, was unacceptable and that the potentially negative consequences of such an encounter could greatly outweigh any short term gratification.

My ex appeared to agree with me and nothing more was said of it until the woman's husband started texting photos to my ex of himself with his children in the baby stroller. At the time, I thought that was way too weird but I now see that maybe the dad was trying to reinforce to my ex the same message I was, all the while with his wife pushing him on the issue.

All I could say about this subject to my ex was that he was going to do exactly what he wanted to do.  I don't think my ex ever hooked up with this woman while he and I were together but I certainly would not be surprised if it has happened by now.  I'm just glad I had the fortitude to get myself out of that toxic type of relationship.  In my opinion, just this one potential encounter this woman apparently initiated with my obviously receptive BPDex, was a recipe for disaster for so many individuals.     

Consider the advantage in freeing yourself from the heartache of being in a relationship with someone who is just using you for their moment of convenience.  The married woman wasn't the only challenge for me in my relationship with my ex.  There were many other challenges.  It's just the married woman helped me understand the gravity of the issues.

Good luck!  I'm still working through detachment and having just found this website last night has already helped me immensely to understand what I am having to deal with.       

[Germanic]

Anna,

I forgot to add, I was dealing with these issues in Berlin.  Big city!

Germanic

[vortex of confusion]

<hugs>

There isn't much you can say unless you are at a point where you can say "I am done." and mean it and stick to it.

I am ending an 18 year marriage. Ex did some of those same things. He wanted an open relationship. His idea of open was him being able to chase whomever he wanted while lying about it. He never ended things with me. I was his wife and had kids with him yet he would reach out to all of these various people (women and men) and tell them horrible lies about me. Our deal was that we both had to be honest and let each other know what was going on. I even put him in touch with anybody that I was considering doing anything with. He would not return that level of consideration. Instead, he would talk out of both sides of his mouth. He wanted me to sit by and let him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Any attempt on my part to get him to be honest would have weird results. He would be so brutally honest that I wanted to puke. He would tell me stuff like I didn't float his boat or that this other woman was so great and how she inspired him and I didn't. Blah, blah, blah. The other result was that he would get angry and mad and be a jerk. There was no discussion at all.

If you want to take back your power, don't bother telling him too much. Chances are he won't hear you. Ex didn't/couldn't hear me. I kicked him out and there are times when he still acts like there is some kind of hope for us. Nope, there is no hope. I have to coparent with him and that is it. If you want to break up with him, then YOU have to do it. Don't rely on him to do it and stick to it. He is going to continue to see you and this other person as long as you continue to be there.

I have found that trying to have a conversation with ex about much of anything usually leaves me very frustrated and angry.

[Germanic]

Anna,

I wanted to add that in your request for suggestions on what to do about dealing with your BPDbf at this point, allow me to share my exit experience.

I was on a trip to Australia with my BPD of which I knew before we departed that there was already "trouble in paradise."  I considered backing out if the trip but decided to go ahead with it anyway as it was on the other side of the world and we would be alone (except for the company of the Aussie population) with no phones and work.  I figured the two weeks would give us an opportunity to work through some issues and it certainly did. 

Things were said to me and done to me that really hurt.  Others around us who we did not even know appeared sympathetic and concerned as to what they saw happening between us.  I even spoke with an Aussie who we met at the hotel and had dinner with previously.  He told me that it appeared to him that I already knew what I needed to do and that I just needed to do it.

By near the end of the 2 weeks, something happened that made me fear for my safety.  That was the final wake up call.  I proposed that we separate our plans of being together for the holidays after our return.  His initial reaction was complete indifference.  Four minutes later, he said if that were to happen he'd feel extreme rejection.  Again, I began to understand that there were intense dynamics here yet I knew nothing of BPD.

Later, I initiated a discussion of why he chose to enter my life in the first place and asked him about it and gave him my opinion of why I thought he did. (I probably should have been silent in sharing my opinion at that moment.)  However, he never responded to my question and only added that what I said was very hurtful.  Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him!  Several hours later, I told him I did not want to lose him but I believe deep inside, I already knew that I had. (He only responded to that statement with a hug.)

I was now in a position as to whether to bring and end to the relationship face to face while I had the opportunity there in Australia or deal with it over the holidays or end it when I returned home with a written communication.  After nearly 30 hours of flying, I sorted it out and decided to send an email confirming that I wanted to not be together for the holidays and that for anything more than a friendship to be between us, he would have to change his consideration for my beliefs and my feelings.  To date, one month later, I have not received one word of communication from him.  He did communicate with my 23 year niece the same day of my email to tell her we ended the relationship because we had "different expectations of a relationship" and that "there were problems with communication."  He confirmed to my niece just exactly what I would expect was happening but which he could not say to me.

The easy thing about the way I did it was it was a 'clean break' without the face to face ugly drama.  I would like to think that even though he has most of the symptoms of BPD, he did experience some pain from the ending of this relationship.  He had an opportunity to get back to me to discuss the matter but chose not to.

You may just want to let your bf quietly exit back to Germany and then make your break.  When you do, I suggest that you sever ties if you really want to move on.  This was what I had to consider before I launched my fateful email to my BPDex.  I thought long and hard about whether I really did want to send it because I know the consequence of termination of the relationship was a reality and most likely, a probability.  After discussion with a very close friend along with about an hour more of reviewing the email draft, I sent it.  afterwards, I have experienced a freedom which I have not known in over a decade and in spite of the negative emotions which come from time to time, it's great to know I have 'moved on' and understand better how serious a matter I was dealing with.

Less is more.  The simplest exit strategy would probably be best.  That way you can seek the emotional support you need and get on with the rest of your life.  You must be something special that your bf would continue to return to your side from Germany every time he was ready for a change.  Share that 'something special' with someone who really does appreciates what you have to offer!  Good luck!                       

[vortex of confusion]

When trying to decide on an exit strategy, it is a good idea to evaluate what kinds of things that the two of you share. Do you have any shared property or financial obligations?

If you don't have any kind of shared obligations, the best bet is to follow Germanic's advice and say as little as possible. The less you say, the less chance there is of things being twisted and the less chance there is of you getting confused and backing down.

[Germanic]

Vortex,

Good advice on considering shared obligations or responsibilities first.  Fortunately, I was not too entangled.  I left behind a few thousand dollars worth of clothes and things at my BPDex's place expecting that I might not ever see them again but if that's all I lost, so be it.

Financial entanglements have to definitely be considered.  There is an actuarial cost to breaking up with someone.  Trying to make the exit a smooth as possible is important and some financial cost while at the moment may look unappealing later on in the end would be well worth the expenditure to gain the freedom and peace of mind.

Germanic