The more I consider my boundaries. The issues are deeper than I realized

[byfaith]

I look back on the relationship with my wife I realize how many boundaries I did not establish.

All I can do here is try to address each one.

My wife's son lives with us. He is paranoid schizophrenic. He also has the affects of a stroke he had when he was 19 he is now 31. He cannot live on his own and my wife would never consider letting him live in a group home. He was diagnosed SZ 4 1/2 years ago.

His basic pattern of life is sleep all day up all night (when everyone else is trying to sleep). He believes that they are watching him using hidden cameras in the house. He believes that I called him a child molester and that I am part of the reason he is in the situation he is in. He blames his mother for his situation also but he does not believe she called him a molester. He is on medication. It was really bad before he was medicated.

Most every night he is up and down the steps (noisy, going in kitchen to get ice, make tea, eat) My wife sleeps with our bedroom door open. He keeps her up half the time.

he will walk down the hall way and stand in our doorway and try to get our dogs attention or he will try to get his moms attention. It is unnerving to me.

I was up this morning to get ready for work he was awake. I shut the bedroom door to where it was just barely cracked. He feels the freedom to just open our bedroom door and it really makes me resent him. Yes I have personally asked him not to do it. This boundary has been attempted to be enforced but he will not fully cooperate. This happens more often than I prefer. Zero would be my preference.

His mom will be in the bathroom with the door closed and he will stand at the door and knock on the door knowing good and well she does not want to be disturbed.

He used to walk around the upstairs with a bottle with his dip spit in it until I could not take it any longer and requested that no dip bottles be brought upstairs. Then it came to the point he would come upstairs with dip in his mouth and no place to spit it so he would use the trash can in the kitchen, go into the hall bathroom and spit into the sink or toilet. So we asked him to stop that or do not have dip in your mouth at all upstairs. His mom gave up that battle so he gets his way.

So other scenario. My wife and I have had intimacy issues over the past 3 years there was nothing. Tis past couple of weeks she seems to want to try to get better in that area. So now, well johnny is up I don't want to be doing anything. My thought is close and lock the bedroom door.

The other day I found out she is letting him get into my closet where I keep my change I collect and get change to buy a drink. My space is being invaded. More on all of this later

Do you see where there are some major problems or do you think I am over reacting?

[Notwendy]

Boundaries are important, but when dealing with someone who is severely mentally ill, like schitzophrenia, I think one has to have locks. I don't think verbal reasoning works in this situation.

If he was a toddler, or a person with dementia, we wouldn't use verbal boundaries. We would understand that they can't truly grasp them. You don't tell a toddler to not go under the sink and open the bottles of cleaner. You lock them up.

If you have a person living in your home who does not have a grasp of reality, then it takes more than words to protect what you wish to protect. I think you need a lock for your closet, and your bedroom if you wish to be intimate with your wife. If she is uncomfortable with that, maybe something like a baby monitor ( not in the man's room since he likes porn, and not for a grown man in general) in the hallway near your room can alert you if he is in distress and trying to come to your room for help. He may not need this, but it may be a comfort to your wife if you lock the door.

Ideally this would not be necessary but it may be a step to take to have the door locked!

[byfaith]

The relationship she has with her son is not healthy IMO. In turn it creates problems between me and her. We were sitting in the living room one day and she is talking to Johnny while I'm right there and she says to him" you are the love of my life Johnny". Did I get jealous? yes and no. I know what she "meant" but she always tell Johnny "I love you Johnny" with emphasis.  She used to tell me that with feeling. Now it's like she will squeeze out a quick "love U" almost like a token phrase.

She gets very defensive over things that I may say concerning Johnny but she can yell the same thing out with contempt at him and it's "ok"

i.e. one night he made about his 30th trip up and down the stairs and she said in a loud voice "Oh my GOD! I wish he would just stay downstairs.

another night he is doing the same thing coming up the stairs for the umpteenth time and then I hear him coming down the hall approaching the bedroom. My wife is in the bathroom and I say under my breath " oh my gosh" she ignored me the rest of the night

For instance, the room I built him downstairs has a bathroom, a walk in closet, sink, small refrigerator. It was actually our downstairs den and I walled it off and he has an awesome room. So I gave up a section of my house so he could have a larger personal space of his own. The idea was that he would say downstairs after a certain time of night and not be up and down the steps.

the reason I am bringing this up on these boards is that her enmeshment with her son is deep and along with her emotional issues and our marriage it could be what ruins us in the end.

[an0ught]

the reason I am bringing this up on these boards is that her enmeshment with her son is deep and along with her emotional issues and our marriage it could be what ruins us in the end.

You may be right but in the end you only control your relationship with her and your relationship with him. Trying to control others is generally not healthy. And yes this can cause immense pain and protecting you from some aspects of this enmeshed relationship will be impossible. Your observations are probably spot on. But judging her or him won't help you moving forward. Focus on yourself!

[Grey Kitty]

Your wife has BPD. She has very poor boundaries. Your wife's son has worse mental illness. He has even worse boundaries. The two of them will be enmeshed, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Both of them will try to push past your boundaries. That is where you come in. The worse their boundaries are, the more effort you will need to put in to defend your own.

Putting a lock on the bedroom door to keep her son out when you want to. Your wife will probably leave the door open, unlocked, or open it for him.

You could put a lock on your closet door to keep her son out. Not giving your wife the key keeps her from letting him in. Consider it.

The dip battle is a lost cause unless your wife decides she is willing to try it again... .or only something you can enforce when you and her son are home but she isn't. (I'm guessing this is infrequent.)

[formflier]

Lock your closet door and keep the key.  Maybe look around for a trunk that you can lock as well. 

Don't explain it over and over.  Perhaps explain/state it once and then move on.

FF