Missed Validation Opportunity With S6

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think this may have come up in the context of D3 taking off by herself around the block (grrr... .I couldn't catch her) and being in trouble. Our son told me,."Mommy said that if I misbehaved, she would send me to live with Daddy forever and ever and not come back."

What I should have done was ask him how he felt about that. Instead, remembering how my mom used to say, "sometimes i wish I'd never have adopted you!" I told him that that was a terrible thing to say and that if she said it again, that he should say so.

I missed the validation opportunity to draw out his feelings, and then I doubly invalidated by telling him how to feel 

[Turkish]

I think this may have come up in the context of D3 taking off by herself around the block (grrr... .I couldn't catch her) and being in trouble. Our son told me,."Mommy said that if I misbehaved, she would send me to live with Daddy forever and ever and not come back."

What I should have done was ask him how he felt about that. Instead, remembering how my mom used to say, "sometimes i wish I'd never have adopted you!" I told him that that was a terrible thing to say and that if she said it again, that he should say so.

I missed the validation opportunity to draw out his feelings, and then I doubly invalidated by telling him how to feel 

[Turkish]

Our normal childcare person will be out of commission for about a month. Ex is thinking about taking a month off to take care of the kids during the day. We had to kind of do this last summer, and my T commented, "do you think it's good that they spend that much more time with her?" It's a terrible thing to say about a parent, but I had the same feeling. D3 became much more attached to her mom during those months, but it's hard to tell what was abnormal. She's 3.

So my Ex called me last night to talk about S6. It was an almost 2 hour conversation. She's been having a lot of trouble with him. He's hitting the other kids (D3 and Cousin 1), crying for attention, dysregulating. She yells at him, from what she says and what she said that he says. She's gone old school, "if I didn't do this, or did what you are doing, grandma would hit me a lot. You don't want me to hit you, do you?" She said that she smacked the table and scared him (I won't call myself holier-than-thou and say I've never done that, but not recently... .the first time I saw him cringe, I thought, "Oh. No. I'm like my mother!" and I check myself)

She also did the usual "you're responsible for my behaviors" thing, by reiterating, "If you wouldn't do these things, then I wouldn't yell at you or get mad and frustrated." She went on to explain her behaviors to him, though I did get that she tried validating him here and there. It's inconsistent.

I mentioned what S6 said about being sent to my house. She sighed and admitted that she said that, and it was two weeks ago when they moved. She was very stressed and that was the week that she called me sobbing one night after she and her H got into a fight and he left for a while to cool off. I had the kids then. She said that she knows that she shouldn't have said that, and by her interpretation, he took it to the extreme. I guess he added the "forever and ever?" So that wasn't exactly what she said, but that's how he took it (or wishful thinking?).

Processing why she behaves the way she does and relating it back to her FOO is a good step in self-awareness, but your 6 year old son doesn't need to hear that stuff. He's not a therapist.

All in all, it's good that she tells me this stuff, even if it comes out more as a confession sometimes.

We also talked about the kids hitting in general. She gave one example where it was--- and I've seen this in parenting articles, "if you do that one more time, I'm going to put you on time out!" "Ok, you're being warned, didn't you hear what I said?" "That's it, this is the last time!" I told her that my tolerance for the kids hitting after I tell them not to is second strike and they're out, sent to their room, crying. I may have to shorten it to one strike.

[Thunderstruck]

Aw, it's ok. I think we all get overwhelmed sometimes and miss opportunities. We're not perfect! 

I used to do the smack the table thing to my dog. 

At 6 years old, I think a zero tolerance for hitting could be appropriate. He should be old enough to know better, and he's big enough to start really hurting other kids.

[whirlpoollife]

Our minds sometimes are multitasking and when we hear something from kids that takes us by surprise there isn't time to stop and think it though.  It's Ok.   You responded so you heard him, he's aware of it so it was a validation in a way.

But you are aware of how you want to respond , so it will take some practice for yourself .

Recently for me, my S wanted to store a large item at my house for someone who was friends with friends of someone else... .Right away I said no way and explained on.   I wish I said first to S ... ."that's really thoughtful of you to care... ." ... .Then said No.

For my S was in single digit age  , I gave him time outs on a step.   There there were no toys or books no windows to look out.  Before he got up he had to tell me why he got his time out.

It took repeatition and consistent on my part.  And repeatition to S to behave.

Married to xh of course at the time and I was the only one to do the disciplining. In a way back then it was parallel parenting.   

Your xw called you , her x, when she was having a fight with her H? I would think that she would be calling one of her girlfriends for that idk.   You must be validating to talk to... .

[Turkish]

My mom asked him calmly to stop doing something the other day. They were outside and I was in the house. She told me later that he was angry and said that he wanted to run away "because I don't want to be here!" Is it normal for a 6 year old to talk about running away? My mom said that he has a lot of anger issues. I said that I know he does, and always has. I watch my mother like a hawk around the kids, and she seems good with them (if she can't handle them, she flees for a while to reset her BPD brain, which is good).

[whirlpoollife]

To me, a six year old saying he wants to run away doesn't seem normal. How does know he can run away from wherever ?   Like where did he get that thought from ?

If you haven't ,possibly ask the pediatrition for a referral for counseling for him , or talk to the counselor at his school.  Talking to the counselor at school, I was able to side step away from having to go thru the L with detail as to why I want kids in counseling along with approval from xh to do so and his approval of a counslor or therapist.

[Turkish]

Due to two acting out incidents, he's been seeing the school counselor for a few months. His class is tough, even the teacher said (on the plus side, he's at the top of his class in 3 areas). He's going to the second session of a Peacebuilders camp (my take on this here) next week during Spring Break.

At the first "camp" session, the counselor told me that he was triggered when told to put away a toy. He laid on the ground for half an hour with his hands over his face while she talked to him. He does that sometimes (shame? Hiding?). I think that their mom had a good weekend with them, and they've settled into the new place. My mom has some issues with him (because she's BPD and other things), but I've been keeping an eye. I'm going to mention the running away comment to the counselor next week. At least it's better than he wanting to die, or telling Mommy he wished she were dead, which was last summer.