She wants our child to be sick.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife had my S9 institutionalized because she told a mandated reporter .

Now, almost a month later, he is suddenly acting depressed.  He wants to lay on the sofa and watch tv just like he saw her do for three years.  Is this right?  She encourages this. I think this is making him worse.

[gary seven]

My wife had my S9 institutionalized because she told a mandated reporter .

Now, almost a month later, he is suddenly acting depressed.  He wants to lay on the sofa and watch tv just like he saw her do for three years.  Is this right?  She encourages this. I think this is making him worse.

[livednlearned]

My wife had my S9 institutionalized because she told a mandated reporter .

Now, almost a month later, he is suddenly acting depressed.  He wants to lay on the sofa and watch tv just like he saw her do for three years.  Is this right?  She encourages this. I think this is making him worse.

Hi gary seven,

If I'm remembering correctly, you and your wife are talking about divorce? Is it possible that your S9 is responding to the impending divorce?

[gary seven]

The issue about being divorced is upsetting all 3 kids.  I can't really tell then "Mommy tried to kill me when she got really sick," because that is inappropriate for them.  My T, P and the kids T and P are in agreement with me.

The mood swigs and tantrums the S9 has is something that my wife cannot handle when I am not around: she is hypervigilant and want s a safe room for theother two to hide in in case the S9 starts raging at them.

I have been home all yesterday and sometimes if you can hold and tickle, or redirect, it really works. 

She wants to "clean up the house," again--with everyone.  So we start in the kitchen " where all their stuff is piled."  We pull out a the boom box player and play the soundtrack to Hairspray.  Then S11 pulls out a recording of "the Pirates of Penzance," which we had just seen LIVE , as a family, and is their favorite show.  "Can you turn off that awful noise? We just saw it so why do we have to listen to it again?"  Out come the frown, and off the music goes.  All she tolerates is country on the radio (which I do not object save for the commercials).

In using DBT skills for s9 (he goes to a special class for children) we made two positive memories yesterday, but she winds up invariably not letting them "stick enough" so he can build  upon them for his distress tolerance.

She reports his tantrums to me, ":)o you want to know what he did now?" 

I think she needs distress tolerance and radical acceptance.  After all, I paid for three institutions and gazillion dollars of dbt for her to learn those skills.  I have heard her mumble, "oh it is coming back to me."  Really?  Look in the mirror and USE them is what I think.

Divorce wise, she wants me to "move back up into our bedroom so he is not as upset."  This gives the child a "win, making him think we will be repairing our relationship, and it empowers him to continue to run our lives.  It is also  is a pretend "win" for her. 

The sofa bed in the basement may hurt my back, but I can stretch it out daily.  The hurt she causes cannot be stretched out at all.  To all of us.

We have a week off from school, upcoming, and for the first time I am taking part of this off from work.  We are headed to the beach for three days, and I think it will do the kids a great deal of good.  We'll be bringing kites.  And letting their dreams soar and relieve them (hopefully) of some of the stressors.

[livednlearned]

Hi G7,

Your home sounds very high conflict and I can hear the exhaustion and frustration in what you write. It's heartbreaking when we cannot raise our kids healthy because of the limitations of the BPD parent.  :'(

What does his P say about S9's listless, depressed behavior? Is it part of what he is being treated for?

Divorce for kids can also feel like being dismembered. Even though it may be better for them to have separate homes (an opportunity to exhale in one conflict-free home at least part of the time), that will not absolve the painful feelings they have about their parents divorcing. For us, we may feel relief. For the kids, they are not necessarily caught up to our feelings. I imagine it must be even more difficult for them if divorce is still something abstract. Meanwhile, your wife is telling them what she believes, whether appropriate or not.

What do you say to S9 when he is listless, wanting to watch tv?

[gary seven]

His P says some of this is as a result of my announcing the separation.  The other part is his being able to "get away with thing."  I think it because for so many years she just abandoned them as she layed on the sofa reading Facebook and watching tv.

What is fascinating is that I sense I get from the psychiatrist is that the behaviors my S exhibits are not necessarily "a disorder."

I of course mean no insults to families who have loved ones with psychiatric conditions.

It seems as if my wife has no ability  "to control" him, and is experimenting with meds--more for her.

This has spilled over into his school, and he is under serious scrutinyfor transfer to a special needs school, because histeacher can't handle him with a class of 30.

Problem is, he has an IQ of about 160.  Those kinds of schools don't exist in my big metro city.

I choose my words regarding TV carefully.  He usually refuses to stop watching. Sometimes I can get him outside, or to play a game.  Yesterday we played Monopoly, Spouse joined us.  He was fine until the game ran too long for her--she called it off--so any positive memory was fleeting at best.  I have been at work today since 8:30, trying to catch up.  I want to leave soon to have time to play with him and S11.  Yesterday D9 and I started our flower beds near the mailbox.  I should have taken two advils BEFORE that event.

[livednlearned]

G7,

It's hard to know whether our kids have psychiatric issues or are influenced by mental illness in the parents, or things that we are doing, or a combination of all. If you figure it out, let me know! I figure I can only model the behavior I want my son to have, and stay on top of what doctors are saying, educating myself and understanding that doctors who treat my son aren't necessarily there to explain how I should change what I do in the home. That piece took me a while to learn -- I have to figure out the home support part.

I do know how hard it is to deal with highly problematic behavior -- my S14 is improving, though the elementary school years were pretty tough. Maybe not to the degree you're dealing with, but still challenging.

One thing that is so tough with interventions is that you kinda can't use the usual fall-back parenting techniques. My kid was so damaged by what I call top-down discipline and behavioral approaches that there wasn't a healthy way to use them. It's like S14 had created a fort around himself and a lot of parenting felt like a threat to his safety in his mind. Understandable, given what his dad was like.

What does the P say in terms of what he recommends you should do with S9s extreme behavior?

[gary seven]

I had a private conversation with my son's P on Friday---which sent spouse off a launch pad into orbit.

In terms of the extreme behavior, the P has recommended restarting a previous med that wife disliked because he put on "too much weight."

Since we have a week off for Spring Break, I am not going to push it now, but we need to consider this  as a before bed option.

We will have to meet with the school upon our return to let them see how we are working hard on our end.  There are only 9 weeks of school left after this.  I would be devastated if her were suspended, expelled, or placed to another school.   

Yeah, I think I would even be as emotional as to "blame" the wife, but not in public, and certainly not in front of her.

[ForeverDad]

It's hard to know whether our kids have psychiatric issues or are influenced by mental illness in the parents, or things that we are doing, or a combination of all.

A lot of us face behaviors we suspect are BPD fleas, either in ourselves or in our children.   That is to say, to a large extent it is 'situational', not the person's own issues.

My story long ago... .My marriage was becoming increasingly dysfunctional and I noticed my son avoided eye contact.  I was actually concerned he had some autism.  But in time he stopped doing that.  And the marriage failed, meaning I had to shift into part-time dad mode.  For the first few years of elementary school he was easily distracted and distracting to other students.

In kindergarten his school teacher invited me to spend a few half days with him and the students.  (Though mother had had custody in the temp order, Mrs R told me that mother wasn't allowed inside her classroom.)  Teacher asked me to watch son.  He couldn't focus on his own work, even went to other desks and helped others.  As the kids finished they went out to recess.  My son was the very last to finish as the teacher had warned me.  Every year all the teachers would say, "He's very bright but... .he gets distracted and is distracting to others."  It suddenly got better in the middle of third grade.  He still is slow to get his work done but I've come to discern this as his 'fleas', a result of the family discord.