Lost job, feeling like a train wreck emoitionally

[Cloudy Days]

Last week I found out I am going to lose my job, I have a few options so I can keep working with the same company I work for. I am a contractor and work in a separate companies building, we lost our contract with them. So I may either have to move to keep my job or find another job. There is a slim chance I will be allowed to work from home but I am not counting on it. So change is coming and change usually scares the hell out of me, especially when I am not in control of it. I think maybe that is why I am such a mess, I feel like I have no control over my life.

I wanted to post because I feel very self destructive right now. I do not have the money to go to therapy, my husband has BPD so cannot be the most supportive person sometimes. This weekend I just felt like crying the entire time, I have been stress eating for 3 people and even resorted to drinking last night and I totally regret it as I ended up cutting myself (on purpose). I do stupid things when I am drunk and sad. It's a depressant and now I feel even worse today than I did yesterday.

I usually see myself as a very emotionally stable person, but I am falling apart. I screamed at my husband on the way home the other day for no reason other than I was frustrated with life and I just sort of lost it. I feel more emotional than when I lost my father. I am one who holds things in until I am alone and can let them out with a good cry. Part of it has to do with the fact that I still have to work at this job for another month and a half. I have a lot of anger, sadness and just all around a feeling of no control, I am scared so scared and hurt. I could have never imagined this having the effect it is having on me. I don't want to be self destructive, how do I deal with all of these emotions? I feel betrayed by the company that I have to go to for the next 45 days. They weren't even going to tell me or my company, it was slipped by someone who had sympathy for me who thought I should have a heads up. 

[GrowThroughIt]

Sorry to hear about all that you're going through. Losing a job is a rough experience.

I wanted to pick up on a point you mentioned about not feeling in control of your life.  It seems that this sad news you've received about your job has brought those feelings to the forefront. The thing with those of us who have a need for control, we hate when things do not go our way.  What we have to accept is that, just because we do not have control over something or someone, it does not make us any less intelligent, capable or driven (or rather it shouldn't).

I've constantly battled with feelings of self destructiveness.  Me personally, when/if I do something self destructive, I do it because I feel like I'm at least in control of my destructiveness.

Sometimes, a feeling of a lack of control can come about from a lack of direction. I feel it helps to write out what options are available to me, options which will help me get to my ideal job (for example).

Me personally, I believe these feelings stem from childhood. As to how one unlocks the insight in order to start thriving as opposed to surviving, that is something I'm not too sure of. Not yet anyway!

Not sure if my rambling helped! Sorry if it didn't!

[Cloudy Days]

I just hate having a feeling of being in Limbo. I just bought a house not even a year ago and now we may have to sell it so I can have job security in some other state. I've looked at the states we are considering and housing is so much more expensive. My husband can't live in a apartment with his PTSD, so it makes it very difficult to find housing, plus we have dogs I refuse to abandon which makes renting difficult. I just feel very overwhelmed.

Yes I think the self destructive behaviors stem from me having control over something. Usually when I cut myself its a form of punishment on myself. Eating is just for comfort, even though I feel lousy after I do it.

You were helpful, at least I know I am not the only person with self destructive tendencies. I just feel broken right now.

[eeks]

Hi Cloudy Days,

 I'm sorry to hear about your impending job loss.  

Yes I think the self destructive behaviors stem from me having control over something. Usually when I cut myself its a form of punishment on myself. Eating is just for comfort, even though I feel lousy after I do it.

So when you say "punishment", punishment for what?  I know for me, the constant stream of self-criticism in my head (which is only slowly dissipating recently) seemed to be based on some hidden belief that if only I (metaphorically) beat myself hard enough, whipped myself into shape, I would finally be the person my parents could accept and love.  It's sort of like "destroying yourself in order to have yourself".  Which sounds not very logical, but survival mechanisms rarely are.  

I'm guessing your parents did not know how to emotionally attune to you and soothe you when you were in distress, to let you know they were there for you, so you did not learn how to soothe yourself effectively.  Like most (if not all) people in that situation, you learned to use substitutes like food.

Would it be helpful if I said that the out-of-control situation is not your fault, life is fundamentally out of our control, and the best thing we can do for each other is be there for each other (literally physically there, but also emotionally there, connected, present) when it happens?

Your husband is not a consistent source of soothing... .can you let us soothe and support you here?  Are there other people in your life you could talk to for support?

Also, whenever anyone has said to me "be gentle with yourself" or "practice self-care" I thought they might as well have said "ok, now levitate!"  I think sometimes well-meaning advice-givers fail to acknowledge that there are some who have self-care skills and temporarily forgot them, and others who didn't learn them at all.  I don't know which you are.  I have the skills I think, but my issue was with feeling "worthy".

In any case, are you aware of anything you could do for yourself right now (other than stress eating, alcohol or self-harm) that would feel soothing or calming?  Listen to your favourite music?  (I like to use headphones, it feels more "cocooning"

eeks

[Cloudy Days]

In the past my therapist pointed out that my parents were emotionally neglectful. They had alcohol problems and fought constantly, you can't pay attention to your children when you are fighting with your spouse. Heck most of the turmoil in my childhood was from my parents fighting all the time. I witnessed abuse, not often but enough that it effected me. I was even a bit of a support for my mother. I was left to deal with it myself, I did eat, I also focused heavily on music and drawing. I don't always have time to create now. And when I am emotional it's hard for me to focus. I never did my art in a really emotional state. I would binge watch TV more than anything, distraction, distraction, distraction. I learned to ignore problems rather than dealing with them, not a good thing to do.

I think I do know how to self care and self sooth, the "worthy" thing certainly rings a bell. I've always struggled with feeling worthy, worthy of what I don't know. I don't really know what cutting is punishment for, I just was at a really low point when I did it, always at a really low point. I tend to take things out on myself rather than acting outward, I always have been hard on myself. I'm very introverted and I take on the world on my own sometimes. My husband cannot always be supportive, just like my parents. My parents weren't abusive to me, just too wrapped up in their own problems. I never had a problem with acceptance from my parents, they were very lax, I could do anything I wanted, I think to the point it was neglectful. I got attention from them when I did good things, so I was always super good.

I think my problem is, is that I don't ask for support from people. I read somewhere children of alcoholics pick up this tendency. Self sufficiency is how I thrived, I was able to learn how to care for myself in most ways without the help of my parents, because I had to. I figured it out awhile ago, that I will go to extreme lengths to try and figure something out myself rather than ask another person for help or support. Only when I have no choice but to ask for help, will I ask for help. I have asked my husband for support and he's been better than I thought he would be, but like you said, it's not constant. But that's what I have come to know from life. Everyone always lets you down. My job has been a constant, a security blanket of sorts and now it is being ripped away from me.

[Grey Kitty]

I think my problem is, is that I don't ask for support from people. I read somewhere children of alcoholics pick up this tendency. Self sufficiency is how I thrived, I was able to learn how to care for myself in most ways without the help of my parents, because I had to. I figured it out awhile ago, that I will go to extreme lengths to try and figure something out myself rather than ask another person for help or support. Only when I have no choice but to ask for help, will I ask for help.

It is hard to ask people for support.

If when you do ask for support, you don't get it ... .or worse, get kicked for asking for support, it just gets harder.

It is hard to find people you can trust enough to be worth asking.

Besides your husband who may or may not be able to support you, is there anybody you might ask?

... .one other self-care idea. Are there things you do with your dogs that make you feel better?

[Cloudy Days]

My mother and mother in law, but for some reason I have never really asked my mother for emotional support, I suppose because I never got much of it as a child? She would do anything for me, I just don't like sharing emotions with her, it was never something that I did. My mother in law is a different story but I can't like let it all out either, I don't really trust anyone fully with my emotions. This site is somewhat anonymous so it's easier to get things out. Plus my mother in law is going through a lot of problems with her husband right now, he just had a quadruple heart bypass and she's about to retire so she can take care of him.

My dogs do give me much joy. I lay on the floor when I get home and just let them attack me with loves  . I'm having a hard time thinking that I have to get rid of the two larger ones though. I am not as attached to them as the little ones but I still love them and have raised them since they were two months old. I always have at least one dog in my lap though, when you have three it's bound to happen... .

I never imagined this would cause such overwhelming emotions. I feel like my head is going to explode, I constantly have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. I have that feeling in my chest where you know you want to cry but you don't. It just stays there.

[Grey Kitty]

Physical exercise is very good for mental healthy. What about walking or running with your dogs more often, longer, farther, or faster than you normally do?

I don't really trust anyone fully with my emotions. This site is somewhat anonymous so it's easier to get things out.

There are two sides to that issue about trusting people.

One side is the other person--Is that person safe for you to share your emotions with?

The answer there may be "NO" or "Only in a limited way", as you have concluded with your husband. Perhaps you do not have any truly trustworthy people in your life.

The other side is yourself--Do you find yourself unable to trust?

When you look at a specific relationship, like your mother, or your mother-in-law, it can be very hard to figure out whether it is you, her, or both that is holding you back.

I personally find it relatively easy to trust, but don't include my parents in deep emotional issues much. My sister is better, but I'm limited with her too. I've got dear friends that I do trust completely, and do share anything with. Despite that, there are a few personal things that I'm reluctant to share... .and also I find that my pool of trustworthy friends has some depth and variety. If I'm dealing with my wife, I might share with one of three different friends. If I'm dealing with dating, one of those might not be appropriate, but two others could be. If I'm feeling lost and worthless because I'm procrastinating on something, I might pick from a different set.

One of my closest friends now is somebody that I believed was trustworthy, but wasn't particularly close with and had known for a couple years. When my marriage was in a serious crisis a year and a half ago, I called her for support. I don't know why I chose her. I just did. I was in desperate need to talk to somebody, and if she hadn't answered, I probably would have called another friend next. But she did, and I kinda poured my heart out. And she stepped up to the plate, and became one of my most trusted friends and one of my deepest friendships. Had I not been that desperate at that time, we probably would still be much more distant friends. Go figure.

I do find that with the people I trust deeply, it was something that I built in stages over time.

Maybe you are ready to trust somebody now--not 100% with everything, but willing to be vulnerable and risk trusting them more than you have previously. Think about it.

[Cloudy Days]

I have always been a closed off person emotionally, my father was this way and I became this way too. I notice it at family gatherings, I am extremely shy. I've known these people for my entire life and I still don't feel comfortable with small talk. Shy people have a hard time trusting, so the entire concept of even gaining a friend whether it be someone new or even someone I already know a little is hard for me. I literally had 4 friends total in school. Two moved away actually Three moved away but the other one came back and I somewhat talk to her but not about personal things, she's a judgy thing and would frown heavily on my husband's behavior and probably wouldn't have anything to do with me if she knew more and the forth friend was just a crappy friend who I eventually stopped seeing. Being the shy introvert that I am, I have not made other friends. Usually you would make friends at work right, well my mother works with me so I eat lunch with her and so no friends their either. I'm just not a social person, my husband has tried to set me up with some of his cousins because he has a lot of female cousins and I just don't click with people. It's one of the reasons I was so instantly attracted to my husband, we talked to each other like we knew each other for years, we just clicked with each other, which is also why it has been hard to leave him in the more terrible times. I do have a hard time trusting people, I always have. I have a problem with putting myself out there, I was known as the quiet girl in school because I never talked to people. People I knew most of my life even.

I know why I don't share with my mother, I don't want to make her worry about things. I don't want to share with my mother in law too much because I don't want her to think of me as crazy or of her son as insane. She knows the deal I just don't want to demonize him to her. She's easy to talk to about most things, but she always throws in Jesus talk. I'm not one for praying your problems away, it just doesn't work that way.

My husband has been pretty supportive through this whole thing, I sometimes think his therapist is feeding him lines because he's saying the exact validation phrases I have said to him. I think we are both somewhat scared so it is easier for him to sympathize with me.

I do need to try and exercise, I don't do much of it. It's starting to get much nicer outside now and I usually start gardening which is a lot of work and I have to swallow the fact that we are going to try and sell our house so no garden this year  :'(

[Grey Kitty]

I think this is an excellent time to work on your garden.

1. You need something that will make you feel good, and gardening is that.

2. If you don't end up moving, you will get to enjoy the garden.

3. If you do end up moving, the garden will make the house look better and improve its chance of selling quickly.

As for the other stuff about being shy, not trusting people, and not having friends... .yes, you have good reason for having that kind of history. Yes, it worked for you in the past.

Is it working for you now?

[Cloudy Days]

I got a bit of news I may not have to sell so quickly. They are going to try and rent me an office space, hopefully they can find something reasonable, and then I can decide on moving in a year or so.

On the being shy thing, is it working for me, no it never really has worked for me, it makes me feel isolated but it is part of my personality. I have always been shy, I was shy as a child, I was shy as a teen and I will be shy as an old lady. It's not something you can necessarily grow out of. I studied it in school, wrote an entire paper on it, it's something you are born with, a personality trait. I've even taken public speaking classes and other classes in college to work on it, small talk is never going to be my thing. I've gotten better at it, but I just suck at it. I always think people are going to judge me so I just stay quiet and smile, I really don't think that is going to ever change. Get better maybe, but it's always going to be a part of me.

[Grey Kitty]

You are shy. You don't like small talk. Those things probably won't change. There are social situations that make you feel uncomfortable. That probably won't change either.

You are isolated and not connected to people, and that isn't working for you. You were able to get over your shyness with your husband somehow.  I believe you can get over a shyness hump and connect to people. That is possible. You may have to do a few uncomfortable things to make it happen, but I'm sure it is possible!

Note--I say this as somebody as a kid was very very shy. Over decades, I've gotten better at not acting shy, but it still comes up for me, and I still have those times where I just want to disappear and not have to talk to anybody.

[Cloudy Days]

I actually do talk to people at work now, I just don't like interacting with them more than, this is how you get your part number, here it is now leave me alone. I don't say it like that, I am a people pleaser on the outside, but that's how I feel on the inside... . I get annoyed when they want to stick around and chat with me. Of course there are the few people who I don't mind, they usually ask about my dogs or something and that can get me talking. I'm worried now that I am going to basically be working alone by myself in an office that I am going to feel more isolated. One reason I do want to try and move but I don't want to be rushed into it. I am hoping I will be able to bring a dog with me to work every day. that might help with the feeling of isolation.

Me and my husband were different, I don't know what made us click. I met him a few times before we actually started dating, he was actually my waiter on my 21st Birthday and I remember thinking there was something about him that I really liked from the moment I saw him. I was unbelievably drunk after awhile and he actually looked out for me while my friends were off not giving a crap about me. He actually had to tell them to go check on me in the bathroom, I was throwing up. Then I had to wait for them to get done partying before they would take me back to the hotel in the mean time a creeper kept hitting on me and wouldn't leave me alone. My husband who I had just met that day actually told him to get lost. He was a perfect gentleman and he had no reason to be. We kept going back to the same place where he worked it was a sports bar with pool tables and things of that nature and he would always make it a point to talk to me. He even asked me if he could give me his number and I said no because I knew that I would have never called him, but I told him I would see him again. The next time we saw each other I asked him to come home with me and my friend and we stayed up till 6:00 in the morning talking all night. The rest is history really. I've never had that sort of connection with any other person.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you are very reluctant to let people in. You were drunk enough and in desperate enough need to let your guard down when you met your husband. (And like you said, the rest was history)

I'm going to suggest that you would do well to work on other ways to let your guard down and open up to other people.

In a slower, healthier way!

And start by honoring your feelings about other people as you are getting to know them. Be polite/civil/friendly with people that you wish would leave you alone... .but don't invite more with them.

The people who you don't mind... .the ones who get you talking about your dogs... .try to get to know one or two of them better. Maybe invite one of them to lunch, or something.

Have you watched any of Brené Brown's videos on trusting people and vulnerability?

[Cloudy Days]

I'm not going to be working at this place in a month so getting to know someone isn't going to do much good. They are also much older than I am. I am 31 and most people that work here are in their 50's so that is something that does cause problems. I've seen many people retire here, get fired and even a few pass away in my 8 years of working here. They hire temps a lot of the time that don't last but 3-4 months and usually are iffy people that's why they don't last long.

I guess I will be moving, they are giving me a year to get my stuff together and move to a location that I wish. Which is scary obviously, everything is scary at this point. 

You misunderstood me a bit on my husband. I wasn't intoxicated when I was actually talking to him, I was usually the designated driver and he was usually working so both sober. He just took care of me on my 21st Birthday which got him some brownie points from the get go obviously because he didn't have to give a crap about a drunk girl but he did. We didn't start actually dating till about a month later. Each time I was the designated driver because I was the one with the car so no drinking for me. My friend was a bit of an alcoholic and a floozy, opposites attract. Anyways Like I said, never had that connection with anyone before. Heck when I get drunk I still don't talk to people that I don't know, it's very ingrained in me.

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry if I put words into your mouth about your H--I didn't mean to. I do suspect that something different/special was going on with you that you allowed yourself to let your guard down and let him in.

I'm not going to be working at this place in a month so getting to know someone isn't going to do much good. They are also much older than I am. I am 31 and most people that work here are in their 50's so that is something that does cause problems. I've seen many people retire here, get fired and even a few pass away in my 8 years of working here. They hire temps a lot of the time that don't last but 3-4 months and usually are iffy people that's why they don't last long.

Just practice connecting a little bit more with people is worthwhile, as it is a chance to be vulnerable, and a chance to work on good boundaries. If there are people  you currently work with that you appreciate, try to spend some more time with them somehow.

Age differences matter, especially in a romantic relationship, but I'm 48, and have fairly friends who range in age from over 70 to 35, with a bunch that are 10~15 years older. Don't ignore differences or problems... .but don't write them off either.

You need more friends these days, and even if they aren't super-close, even people you can have a pleasant lunch with, and simply not talk about issues regarding with your husband are an invaluable relief!

[Cloudy Days]

I understand that, I guess there isn't much of a chance for that where I am currently working. I sit at a desk all day, if someone comes up to me I try to help them, I am very helpful. But for the most part it's an isolating job, it's one of the reasons I didn't like it. I guess be careful what you wish for right. It's almost as if moving was meant to be and it's being set up so that I am comfortable with it. They are renting me an office space for a year and I have to sell my house and find a home by the year's end in the new state. It's not as daunting of a task as trying to do it in a month or two.

I actually bond with people older than me, I had made friends with several of them, all of them no longer work here. This has been the story of my life. I made good friends with two people in school, they were there for a year and then left. Same thing happened in College, made friends with my two roomates, left after the first semester... .They weren't included in the 4 who I was really close with, I can make connections with the right people, it's just hard to find those people and it's even harder to get the time to make the connection.

I do talk to my mom every day, I don't think that will ever stop no matter how far apart we are.

[Grey Kitty]

My life involves moving around at least several times a year, if not more often than that, which truly does mess with some friendships. I've got clusters of friends in three... .err... .five, maybe another I'm forgetting cities/metro areas. Today all my closest friends are long-distance. I don't particularly recommend having all your friends be over the phone, chat, or facebook... .but it is better than not having them by a long shot!

I do agree--it takes time to make connections, and it takes time to maintain connections. I also believe that it is worth it. Fortunately for me, long distance communication is cheaper, better, and more varied than it was a decade or more ago.