Love Endures

[MysterSea]

At the end of This past December, we were granted custody of my wife's niece... .Whom I have grown to love as my own... .  She has been a depressed introverted extremely sheltered child that will be 17 in a month.  She would self harm once every so many months at her parents house, superficial scratching.  The transfer of custody was a joint decision by my wife, the bio mother, my niece and myself.  We got her into therapy as soon as we possibly could and noticed that she seemed to be resistant to it (thought blocking).  Was she doing because opening up would make her feel vulnerable, only she knows.  She told us that the thought of self harm occurred everyday for her, but was in agreement to let us know when the thoughts became stronger than usual.  The therapist was made aware and a safety plan and coping skills were put in place.  Then after three months of weekly therapy, the therapist called us and recommended hospitalization because she reported that her plan was to find anything sharp and hurt herself.  She got home from school that day and I asked what she thought and her response was that she thinks it would be best if she could resolve the issue without going.  I felt like she was attempting to play games and could not be sure, so we took her.  That was a big mistake but we couldn't have known.  She was at the hospital a week and the social worker told her she'd likely discharged on Wednesday or Thursday.  Wednesday came and her honeymoon phase ended.  She scratched herself superficially on one wrist.  On the morning of Friday her poor coping behaviors exploded just before our next family meeting at noon.  She scratched all over her face, neck, both arms and wrists.  It was evident to me and my wife that this was appearing as discharge sabotaging behavior.  She will now happily scratch herself in front of others including us, with a smile on her face because she just loves it so much.  She would actually smile while we attempted to hold her hands.  It is her third week and second admission of being hospitalized.  She is so intelligent, has researched mental illness, and I honestly feel as though she wants to "sick in the head" as she calls it.  How I despise that phrase...   She went from a functioning teen taking advanced classes with an amazing GPA, to being a non functioning teen after one week in the hospital.  So may of her traits point to a BPD diagnosis, and I am not diagnosing her, but being a psychiatric nurse, all the red flags are there... .I wish I could help her, but she's continuing to regress and embrace even new forms of self harm, biting, hair pulling, not eating... .Everyday we tell her we live her and will never abandon her, that we will always be there for her when she's ready to accept for us to support her.  But she is using the hospital to isolate herself... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello MysterSea

I am really sorry to hear that your experiencing such difficulties with your niece.  She does sound a  bit like she is trying to find a way to sabotage her homecoming, and I am going to suggest it is because she doesn't trust you right now.

Here is my theory. She told you she didn't want to be hospitalized and you took her in anyway, that was a betrayal of her trust,( at least in her mind ) and according to my BPD daughter, you can say the words, I love you, or, trust me, or I promise, but you have to show it, because actions speak louder than words, and anybody can say anything.

I think once she realizes that you did what you did out of concern for her safety and well being, she will start to come around. Trust is a big deal for a BPD, and they have a skewed way of seeing things. They process way differently than the average person, so we need patience and understanding and to love unconditionally.

Good luck to you, and hang in there.

[MysterSea]

Thank you Tristesse,

The thought of her thinking of this as a betrayal has crossed our mind, though it would seem she is showing more hostility to my wife (her biological aunt) than to me.  Before we ever got custody of her, we had multiple discussions with her about hospitalization.  And she has always seemed receptive to to them.  We did this in an effort to be open and honest with her as well as damage control since her step dad had made threats to make her a ward of the state and have her put in an institution.  Both my wife and I know how important consistency is for a child, he'll even adults, and especially so with BPD.  She knew exactly what she was doing when she told her therapist of her plan.  In the past 5 months, she would reach out when the feelings were stronger than usual and that's when we noticed a trend of what appeared to be attention seeking towards me.  She would at times shut out my wife but would be my shadow.  So then we became concerned that she may have an unhealthy view of the uncle/niece relationship, and it certainly doesn't help that she is closer to my age than my wife is.  So this has been discussed thoroughly between my wife and I, as well as the therapist, but was never brought to my nieces attention as we werent completely  sure, but all of our gut feelings said "be careful".

The other thing we figure is that she maybe attempting to push us away due to her family "giving up" on her.  Even though she was included in the decision to move in with us, she is still a sixteen year old child and there is no doubt a feeling of abandonment that she harbors to her mom and stepdad.  So we figured she was pushing us away to protect herself.  Last night she was sent to a medical hospital as she has continued to refuse to eat (another form of self harm for her) at the ER she did eat with much encouragement after a silly act of her just pushing a sandwich to her closed mouth several times... .  The love will always be there for her and nothing can change that, but we can't support her if she refuses to allow us.  So we always tell her that we are here for her, well I do because she regularly refuses to talk to my wife but will talk to me.

[lbjnltx]

Hello and welcome!

I am sorry to hear that your niece is self sabatoging in anyway that she can.  Rather than "hospitalization" have you considered an RTC with a strong peer accountability program? 

I also hope that you continue to proactively protect yourself from any possible false future claims by your niece.  Unfortunately our BPD kids do make them and can reek further havoc by doing so. It would be a good idea not to be alone with her in a room with a closed door, not to travel alone together, and to keep a daily log of interactions with her when she is in the home.  Some families have used video cameras in the common areas of the home to insure their piece of mind regarding false claims of any kind.

lbj

[MysterSea]

I feel like I am demonizing her by even suggesting that she may have an unhealthy view of the uncle/niece relationship.  :'(.  I am not familiar with RTC, although our current plan is to have her get DBT from a psychologist, and the referrals have been made.  Now we are stuck waiting, while she's in the hospital, willingly hurting herself.  I work with some of our states most acute mentally ill patients, and I should have a desensitization to this stuff.  But no one should have to see their baby girl covered in self inflicted wounds.  No child should want to do that... .I so wish We could have raised her from birth.  I have been told by my wife and family to not let it drive me crazy, and I know full well there is nothing I can do to make it better, that she is responsible for her own actions.  But that doesn't dull the pain... .does it get better... .

[Rockieplace]

Your love and dedication to your niece are truly heartwarming. I do however think that LBJ as usual is absolutely right in advising you to protect yourself. The nature of the illness is such that false accusations can be a devastating way of attacking those who care for them most while providing another very effective means of self-harming. I know we are taught to try to see everything the pwBPD does in the most benign way possible and I can see you are doing that.

It is also very tempting to wish things were different and you had had more direct input from an early age with your niece. Believe me I have wished I could turn back the clock with my d many times. Listening to the experiences of the extremely loving,conscientious and caring parents on these boards though has also taught me that it would probably not have made much difference. Who knows. Good luck. 

[lbjnltx]

It can get so much better!

We tried everything at our disposal to help our daughter from the early age of 11 years when things started to go downhill.

Little to no progress was made through weekly therapy, one acute inpatient stay, medications, and an intense and thorough education on my part (though it helped me tremendously).  After we exhausted all the options at our disposal that we had any hope in we made the decision to go the RTC route.  Being self educated and a proponent of personal accountability we did the research ourselves and chose the best place at our disposal (again).  Only this time it was all in with no way for my daughter to blow through it in a dismissive way.

10 months of RTC changed her, our lives, our relationships.  We are fortunate that we started early (before the late teen years) in our quest for help.  Like Rockieplace mentions, reading the stories here of parents with young adults in the throws of this illness convinced us that RTC was our best chance and the sooner the better (before we had addiction, legal, and sexual ramifications to deal with on top of the illness).  My daughter was diagnosed with ODD, MDD, anxiety, and emerging BPD, in  RTC she was determined to also be borderline ADD.

Today she is 19 and living independently from me.  Despite major life changes, like the death of her dad, moving from her community, and having major medical issues she still endeavors to perceiver.  She has coping skills, takes responsibility for her own emotions and reactions and has a more balanced perspective of herself, her relationships and the world she lives in. 

lbj

[MysterSea]

Thank you all so much, it does truly help to hear what you guys have to say.  My heart goes out to everyone affected by this... .this disease.  She's going on five weeks hospitalization, she no longer talks to me or her aunt on the phone but at least she did attend the two family meetings on Tuesday and Friday. On Tuesday she asked when she would be discharged and said that she would be ready in a day or two.  The psychiatrist saw her on Thursday and felt that Friday would be discharge. She saw her again on Friday and our niece fell back into her Flat, isolated affect.  Today she just tried to choke herself.  So we are no where close to a discharge.  On better news she will be accepted into a DBT treatment in three or four weeks.  Two sessions a week, individual and group.  I'm at a crossroads, I haven't called her in the past three days because she is using the calls as "triggers" or outright refusing to talk to us.  It hurts... . I need to be strong for my wife, as I am sure it's easy to believe the strain this can put on a couple.  On Friday she did come out And say she doesn't want to get better and then refused to talk anymore and began scratching in front of us.  Now everyone in the room did a great job at keeping the reactions controlled. On the surface I kept a straight face as I asked her to stop and that we were not going to fight her.  On the inside I was shaken to the core.