Not sure where to start

[supertia]

My mom actually found this site, and gave my ex the diagnosis of BPD. Some of the traits kind of fit, so I'm not dismissing her diagnosis. At the same time, I am a little wary about armchair psychological assessments. Still, like I said, it does kind of fit.

My ex has had problems with depression and anxiety since we met (15 years ago), and has sought treatment every now and then, but none of the therapeutic relationships have really worked for him. I've urged him to make this a priority, but it never made much difference. He has a real problem making decisions about anything significant (even insignificant decisions). He has to consider every possible angle, and even then, he still can't commit to an option until something external (often me) forces a decision.

He started getting more and more anxious about "becoming and old man" and having "only been in one relationship" (with me). So we eventually agreed on a trial separation, with the caveat that he really work on this issue in particular (go date other people, as I'm very GGG and open-minded to different relationship possibilities), as well as therapy for the years of depression and anxiety. After several months of seeing him continue to NOT do anything to figure out what he wants/needs, I finally decided that I am done.

I've made my decision, and have found so much relief for the past 11 months of being on my own. We're trying to work out a formal separation agreement, so that we can divide our assets and move forwards. But of course once again we are moving at a turtle's pace because he can't commit to any decisions.

We have a three-year-old daughter, and we co-parent pretty well together. She seems very happy and has not been too negatively affected by the separation.

I'm not sure if it is delusional or not, but I would like to at some point rebuild my friendship with my ex. I don't feel like he's a terrible person, but I can't imagine shackling my life to his inability to make decisions ever again. Trying to work out the details of our separation (I'd like to buy him out of the house, but he won't agree on a valuation for the house), trying to agree on which school to register our daughter in next year ... .these decisions remind me just how much I do NOT want to make any more decisions in my life contingent on him. Unfortunately, since I've decided that I definitely don't want to get back together, now he's certain that he made a mistake and definitely wants to get back together. So I'm not sure when, if ever, we could try to be friends again. I've been keeping my distance for now, but it's hard because (and maybe this is delusional), I would like it if we could have some "family time" together with our daughter sometimes.

Not sure what to ask or how to use this forum. Especially without a diagnosis, I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place.

It always helps to get things off of my chest though, so thanks for reading.

Supertia

[tryingsome]

Well have a invested 3rd party make a diagnosis is never a good idea.

Which behavior speaks to you as BPD?

I think most of the main items are:

-has a series of unstable relationships (you said he has only had this one... .)

-emotional volatility, usually expressed in extreme anger than moments of blissfulness

-fear of abandonment (it sounds like you mutually separated?)

there are other criteria of course, but these come up quite frequently.

From first glance, he sounds overly anxious/doubting his life choices and whatnot.

He could be clinically depressed, which medication/life habits can fix. Or he could be overly dependent.

How old are the both of you?

What do you want out of the marriage?

People can't be all things... .

Let us know more of the issues and I am sure other people will chime in.

[Turkish]

BPD or just with some traits, he's difficult to deal with. Maybe not a high conflict personality (HCP... .Just the acronym we use around here) though. Be wary of that.

The lack of decision making feels familiar to me. It was from simple things like deciding where to go eat out, to a lot of talk about researching schools for our son (She works in a field related to education, so I figured being her forte, I'd let her lead). On the day our son graduated pre-K, I had us go down to the default public school near my home and registered him. She was over a year gone, but we share joint custody. We were running out of time.

I still here comments about transferring him, not being happy with the school (despite that he's at the top of the class and was the only kid in two kindergarten classes that got two academic awards last week).

My point is that his anxiety and indecisiveness is so much a part of who he is that you need to step in for your kid. Daddy isn't going to change anytime soon, especially being resistant to therapy.

Take a look at the tools in the sidebar to the right. Communication can help, and these tools, while developed to deal with people with BPD, help with anyone. Members here have a lot of collective experience dealing with these issues, so sick around, we'd love to support you.



Turkish