Accidental death

[Yozer]

Feeling like the professionals aren't helping with the real issues of accidental death.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What happened Yozer, what aren't the professionals addressing?

[Yozer]

Am new to this, I joined yesterday, a bad day, today has been better.  We are in the throws of new medication, and waiting for DBT referral.  Have any of you been through the process?

[qcarolr]

 

Yozer most of us have been in the turmoil of medication changes and hoping for a new therapy that will make life less painful.

Can you share a bit of your story? This will help us find the resources that fit your situation? Is this your son or daughter and what is the age? What event triggered the need for professionals to intervene?

I have a daughter soon to be 30 dx with BPD when she was 23. She struggled with life from very early including many different medications and treatments starting when she was age 4.

Look forward to finding some support here for you.

qcr Carol

[Yozer]

My daughter is 16, we've been struggling for years but only really sought help when the self harm began which developed into suicide attempts. She spent 5 months in a secure unit but adopted new self harm techniques far worse than anything we'd seen before.  Since her release she has been ligaturing almost daily, psych team don't think re-admission is an option, I have two younger kids who are traumatised by ongoing events, all I'm told yo do is keep her safe. She's been referred for DBT but not yet had the assessment. I work full time and can't afford to give up to care for her.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Yozer,

I'm sorry that your d16 is engaging in these behaviors.  It is an outward expression of her inner turmoil, she doesn't have the coping skills she needs.

Telling you to wait for therapy and in the meantime keep her safe seems an oxymoron. 

Is your d16 willing to help herself?  Will she listen to your supportive suggestions?

If so there are alternates to cutting and other self injurious behaviors taught in DBT, here are a few:

holding ice cubes in the hand

popping rubber bands on the wrist

If your d16 is feeling suicidal would she call a hotline for help?  Providing her a local number for suicidal teens will give her an anonymous, understanding, live voice on the end of the line to help her through those tough moments and curb those intense, compulsive feelings.  There are also online resources for teens who self injury.

lbj

[Yozer]

We have finally got a date for DBT. YEAH, I think, been doing a lot of reading, which has scared me, BUPA refused to cover this as chronic illness -I think realisation that this isn't going away any time soon has just begun to sink in... .what if she doesnt engage, is that it? Will she be abandoned by the professionals?

Had a meltdown today, not stopped crying all day... .not like me, strangeley, d16 responded very unusually... .she was massively concerned, worried even. I told her how hard it is for me, not taking anything away from her or her condition but surely she needs to know how her behaviour affects us all? I know tomorrow is another day and she will forget today and maybe a good cry is what I needed... .

[lbjnltx]

Oh Yozer, this is all so very difficult to wrap our heads around. 

There is grieving happening here as you begin to accept that your d has a long term illness that will affect her and your family's lives.  It is ok to let it all out, a good cry can be helpful to us in the process.

While it is good that your d sees how her choices are affecting you, please do be careful about how much she is exposed to.  She could process this as shame and without the skills to cope it could be detrimental to her.  Like all things in life, there needs to be balance.

[Bright Day Mom]

I am sorry you and your family are in crisis mode. My family has been there and it has a massive impact on the whole home.

The medical system times is broken, but remember the squeeky wheel.  It is easy for the "team" to say keep her safe until the next apt/treatment is lined up. We know this is easier said than done.  I cannot tell you countless days and nights where I was my daughter's one-to one and was a walking basket of nerves.  It was absolutely draining.

One of my D's friends completed suicide last year and it has been an on-going therapy topic. It is scary to see how 1 bad decision can end a life and change a family forever. 

I have brought my daughter to the local ER and had her screened. When the screener was going to release her I objected; informed them of her persuasive / manipulative ways and some background, they agreed to admit her. She needed a clean slate with her meds and a higher level of treatment (RTC).

Your D may very well be screaming for help with her increased self harm; she deserves to live an unhaunted, peaceful life (though she may not believe it) Can you convince her to to go the ER as a first step?   

[qcarolr]

We have finally got a date for DBT. YEAH, I think, been doing a lot of reading, which has scared me, BUPA refused to cover this as chronic illness -I think realisation that this isn't going away any time soon has just begun to sink in... .what if she doesnt engage, is that it? Will she be abandoned by the professionals?

This is a step in the process of grieving the losses of our anticipation for our troubled child's future. BPD is a lifelong struggle and there is so much hope. You DD is in the most difficult and dangerous age with this disease as she acquires the skills to manage her emotions and thinking. I am so so so glad the DBT has been scheduled. It is important to remember that she will need to 'buy into' this treatment for it to have the most impact. Expect resistance in the beginning.

Most professionals that work with adolescents treating BPD understand the long term nature needed for treatment. Check out the videos under 'Foundation Reading'. There are some really good ones for parents of adolescents. Let us know what you think - how this may fit with your situation. We are here eager to listen.

Had a meltdown today, not stopped crying all day... .not like me, strangeley, d16 responded very unusually... .she was massively concerned, worried even. I told her how hard it is for me, not taking anything away from her or her condition but surely she needs to know how her behaviour affects us all? I know tomorrow is another day and she will forget today and maybe a good cry is what I needed... .

My own meltdowns help with my own mental stability. It is best to do away from BPDDD, but that is not reality at times. It is important for me to reassure my family that the tears etc. are a release for ME and I will feel better soon. That I am still there for them.  I get lash back from BPDDD, gd (now 10) as well as dh. None of them understand tears, crying, lamenting. DD gets it when I lose it and yell back at her -- though not in a positive way.  This opens a door for her to increase projecting her negative emotions onto me, as well as reinforcing her own sense of being to blame for my distress with the shame connected to those feelings. Like she deserves to be yelled at. Which increases her need to project these now bigger feelings onto me. As you can see it creates a vicious cycle. So I walk away and regain composure with promise of coming back.

Who is there for you to safely process all this? you need a support system too.

qcr Carol