BPD family mess

[bpdsenior]

Its impossible to put into a single intro message what I am experiencing, but I will give the condensed version.

I know it sounds selfish but I am concerned about my own spiral downward just as with being co dependent.

My first wife divorced me when she was 35 and I was 39, to pursue a life of recklessness and self destructive behaviors.  I did not understand the problem until I was away from it a while.  My own therapist diagnosed her as a borderline after we split. When she quickly and completely went out of control, I obtained custody of my 2 young children. Her last paramour during our marriage, during essentially told me to get my kids. he had grown to like them, and understood my ex problem better than I did.

I accepted what was then known as face saving shared custody.  we simply flipped roles, with primary custody with me and periodic standard visitation with the mother.  The reality of 30 years ago in my area was no dad got sole custody in a contested case, but I did, one year after giving up custody to the BPD mom.

now both kids (adults now) are both showing symptoms.  serious ones. my own marriage and my own mental health are jeopardized.  I am feeling the out of control roller coaster like before.  I feel guilty when I detach, but must do so for my own health and that of my present family. I am just retired, and this is about to put me into the grave too early.

neither child wants much of a relationship with me.

how do I leave it be, or do I?  what about the guilt?   they think their mom hung the moon and now she is deceased giving her a halo too.  I am the bad one, after raising them. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi BPDsenior, welcome to the forum, we are glad that you joined us though sorry that you are suffering so.

Gaining some perspective from an educational standpoint sometimes helps us not personalize the actions and words of our disordered children.

There is a great deal of info about BPD in the Lessons to the right of the page.  Understanding won't change their actions or words and it can help ease some of our pain.

Have either of your adult children ever been in therapy?  Have you thought about seeking counsel for yourself once more?  :)ealing with a spouse was difficult and having broken relationships with your children is a whole new level of pain. Having our own T (therapist) really can help.

Do your children live nearby?  You have some kind of contact with them it seems.  There are tools we can use to improve communication and in turn our relationship with our kids, it takes time and effort to begin to make that turn so be patient with yourself as some of this info may be new to you.  Are there grandchildren involved as well?

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning how to best support you.

lbjnltx

[bpdsenior]

thanks for the info and questions,  all good.  I have dealt with this issue for decades now, and should write a book myself.  Frankly there are very few therapists who recognize and deal with BPD. I would like to locate a good one for my own issues.  I will comment on the remainder of your inquiries later.  its a long 30 year story

I am in a 20 year marriage (we raised a blended family that was attacked from all points) and I do not want to lose that focus.  Yes there are 2 grandchildren we are not allowed to see.  I have 2 grandsons a few miles away; one I have never met, and one I have not seen since his 1st birthday.  he is now almost 5.  It's the hate cycle of the illness. The don't leave me comes and goes.

My son has a serious life threatening illness, and that crisis is what has caused the recent contact, but it has not lasted.  Crisis are that way.  But it has brought me down a long way. I always find myself thinking crisis driven contact is more than that.  It isn't.

I cant fix anything yet dad's do always try.

thanks for the support you have some great stuff on the site.

how can I get help and also help others?

[lbjnltx]

That all sounds so very painful, especially not having a relationship with your grandchildren and your son having cancer.

How can you get help?  By reading, posting, sharing, and supporting others here.

Since we can't fix anyone else, as much as we would love to, it's productive to shift the focus to self.  What can bamadad do to improve the quality of his life and ease his own suffering?  These are questions we all have once we accept that in spite of our efforts, we can't change our loved ones.

Being the best "me" I can be pays off for me, sometimes it also pays off for my relationship with my daughter and therefore pays off for her as well.  As my daughter says... .we are all connected.

lbj