Want to leave SO, he thinks I have BPD.

[yellowflower]

Hi guys I am new here, just looking for some more information, my SO is convinced I have BPD, I myself am unsure, he has also accused me of being a narcissist, having CPTSD, PTSD, bi-polar disorder, being a sociopath and also of being a psychopath. I've been trying to leave for over a week now but each time he flies into a rage and starts an argument so lengthy and exhausting that I end up fatigued and distraught, he then comes to me and kisses and comforts me and tells me he wants to help. I feel I have to leave because I can no longer tell what is going on, I feel that he is extremely manipulative and abusive but he tells me that everything I feel is wrong, that I'm mentally ill and that he knows me better than I know myself.

I feel extremely isolated because I am in his country and have no friends or family here, he repeatedly tells me that people don't like me and feel uncomfortable around me, using examples like telling me that someone I had an interaction with rolled their eyes at him behind my back and things like that, however when the people that supposedly disliked me actually became friendly with me and started to want to socialise with me he then told me that they were fakes and only cared because I was pleasant and listened to them, that the minute I would start to talk they wouldn't want to know(?)

There are just so many examples of his contradictions and hypocrisy I now feel like I'm going slowly insane, he denies them all and says this is my BPD, he is obsessed with BPD and thinks all his ex girlfriends have suffered from it(5 in total), I veer from being convinced that I need to seek help with this to feeling as though I'm being totally gaslighted, if I suggest that he's being abusive he tells me he is not, even though the things he does fit every definition of abuse that I've come across.

He tells me that he isn't angry when he clearly is, only to later say that his angry is permissible and a healthy expression, he says that I have facial dyslexia and can't read facial expressions and that the fact I feel abused and threatened by him means that I am actually the abusive and threatening one and he should be afraid of me.

If he isn't upsetting me enough he will accuse me of being a terrible mother, person, human being, when he points out something in my character he is just observing but if I suggest anything critical about the way he's behaving then I am projecting.

He says that all of the hurtful things he says are just words and that this is real love because he loves me despite how 'vile' I am, and when I suggest leaving will tell me I'm '___ed' that I just want to run back to my superficial world and superficial live, before we got together I had joy and enjoyed life and generally though people were kind and genuine, he said this is all just delusion on my part and that my real self is a black hole and a black heart of misery, and that I am riddled with a cancer that reaches to the bottom of my soul.

That he is just trying to burst my ego bubble and that my ego needs to die for me to be reborn.

It just all seems a bit much, I understand if he wants to help me with my BPD but his method seems to be to try to help through abusing the crap out of me and then when I stand up for myself that is me being BPD and that I'm not being grateful to him. Please help any advice would be appreciated. I also just want to add that I'm not unwilling to accept having BPD and for the sake of myself and child would love to get help with this it's just very confusing to understand in this situation.

He know says that if I leave him I will just be running away and deluding myself again, I feel that I need to be alone with my own breath and thoughts before I can even start to think about getting help. Is any of this familiar to anyone?

[yellowflower]

His main problem is that he thinks I am passive aggressive, he says that I make him feel unwelcome in his own home, he also says that as long as I am in his house that things will be his way or no way at all, most of the conflict in our relationship comes from disputing how to raise my son, he wants to be very hard on him(IMO) and says that I am abusive to him because I don't discipline him enough... an example is today my son said something about my SO turning on the water(he is 3) my SO laughed and told him he was funny, my SO then turned the water on again and my son said the same thing, my SO then became extremely cross and sent him to his room for a time out, my son started to cry... .when I tried to explain to my SO that he was sending mixed messages he literally couldn't compute or accept and has to find a way for what he did to be right.

I could be being passive aggressive I truly feel nervous to even speak, I don't often get more than twenty words out before he starts screaming 'BORDERLINE< BORDERLINE!' at me or just walks out and refuses to engage in conversation unless it involves me just listening to him, he will shout and argue and walk back into the room half an hour later grinning and then try to kiss me, he says this is loving, I just feel nervous and afraid.

He also said that if I leave he will basically verbally assault me until I leave, he actually said that as I'm walking away he will be screaming 'BORDERLINE!' at me as I walk down the street.

Is it ever permisible for me to be angry or is my anger always borderline rages?

[sweetheart]

Hello yellowflower, a very warm welcome to bpdfamily, I'm really glad you found us. 

The situation you outline, that you and your son are living in sounds really very difficult indeed. I'm not surprised you feel confused about what is going on with you and around you, and that you are questioning your own sanity. Anyone would under these conditions, your SO's behaviours toward you is crazy making. Combined with being socially isolated, not being in your country of origin, all the confusion you are experiencing is completely understandable. It's so positive that you have been able to reach out for support by posting here.

I can hear that you have thoughts about getting away, but are worried about what your SO other would do if you left, are you seriously thinking about leaving, because if you are it will be better and safer to keep this to yourself.

Are you or have you ever been in a situation with your SO where you have felt concerned for your personal safety?

Do you have any family or friends locally that you could go to for support, does anyone know how difficult things are for you at home?

In answer to your question about getting angry, of course you have every right to feel angry, however in these types of situations finding ways to reduce some of the conflict directed your way would be what we would advise you to do. If you can remove yourself from the situation and not react at all, even better. Perhaps if things start to escalate just take yourself to another room, or go out with your son for a walk.

Other than your SO's accusations about you having BPD, what makes you think this might be true, is it something you were aware of before you met him?

Keep posting we are always here if you need us.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome, yellowflower.

You sound really exhausted and isolated. Please do anything you can do to take care of yourself. 

I veer from being convinced that I need to seek help with this to feeling as though I'm being totally gaslighted, if I suggest that he's being abusive he tells me he is not, even though the things he does fit every definition of abuse that I've come across.

From how you describe things, I believe he is abusive, and it sounds like he is quite knowledgeable about mental illness, at least on an intellectual level. What he is doing to you sounds very heavy on projection, if not gaslighting. (He is blaming you for the kind of behavior he is doing, and cannot accept in himself.)

Here is a practical tip for you:

• Don't accuse him of being mentally ill or discuss his mental illness with him.



• Don't participate in conversations (fights?) with him over whether you are mentally ill or not.

You might try this: "I probably do have issues. I will see a therapist and work on them with my therapist."

Especially if you can afford to or otherwise get access to individual therapy. And if you do, don't let him manage it, get involved in it, ask you what you discussed with your therapist etc. It is between you and your therapist, and is private.

Is it ever permisible for me to be angry or is my anger always borderline rages?

It isn't just permissible. It is both normal and healthy to feel angry.

All your feelings are real. All of them are valid.

If you get caught up in your anger, your actions may not be healthy.

For example--if you are driving and somebody cuts you off within a foot of your bumper, getting angry at them would be reasonable and healthy. Taking action like swerving around them, race in front, cutting them off and slamming on your brakes right in front of them would be unhealthy. Pulling a gun on them would be even more unhealthy. Shouting at them and giving them the finger would be better... .but still short of wise in my book.

Does that help with the distinction between the feeling (anger) and the action (raging)?

[yellowflower]

Hi, thankyou for your advice yes I know I now have no choice but to leave I'm just at a loss in terms of where to go and what to do, I left my home and business to come and live here with him.

Now I'm exhausted and overwhelmed at what to do next, I have contact with my family but I don't feel like I could turn to them for help, I feel as though I have gotten myself into this mess and need to deal with it.

My initial wondering of whether I suffer from BPD is based on my family circumstances, I had an extremely chaotic childhood and I believe that my mother suffered from BPD/NPD, she was incredibly abusive and histrionic to my siblings and I and we have all suffered emotionally from it.

I have confided in my SO about this and initially he was adamant that my mother is a narcissist at one point even calling her 'the enemy'... .when I later mentioned this he said I was misunderstood and that he meant my idea of her that I have in my mind is the enemy, he does this very often, makes an explicit statement that is extremely loaded then twists or explains it with a nuance to it that makes it as though I'm an idiot for taking the statement at face value. He calls me an idiotic, unintelligent, confused, superficial quite often and especially if I don't grasp his vague explanations of 'spiritual' notions.

Tonight we had another argument, I have moved into a small studio apartment beside his until I can find somewhere else to live, he came into the apartment and asked me how I was then immediately started to question my state of mind and tell me that I was in a 'certain state of mind' that I will regret leaving in a few weeks or months after I left.

This has some truth in it as I have already left him once, things became intolerable, however after a month I made contact and we spent many months talking and seemingly repairing our issues before I returned, within days of returning I knew I had made a mistake.

It's extremely difficult as the words he says seem to live on inside my head and keep trying to convince me that I am what he tells me I am.

You ask if I am worried for my personal safety, yes at times, however he tells me that this means that he should be worried for his safety because this means I could get myself into a 'state of mind' where I would want to hurt him, although I have never harmed or hurt anyone in my life.

He says that if I really think he is a narcissist I shouldn't be questioning or arguing with him because he could hurt me and this is why he isn't.

Everything that I have discussed with him, personal or intimate is being used and twisted to support his opinion that I am mentally ill, he doesn't even say BPD anymore just mentally ill, he has now decided that my mother is somehow supportive of this opinion because she would often say I'm difficult or crazy. I really can't express how it feels to hear someone who supposedly loves me back up the hurtful things my mother has said about me and my siblings over the years.

I feel as though everything I do at all times of the day is being judged and noted and used against me when it suits, if I wake up late in the mornings or if I don't do things the way he would have me do them, I swear there have even been arguments over how I cut his vegetables, or over how I boiled an egg(it wasn't perfect because he didn't eat it for a while after I made it).

He says that I am a professional victim and never stop whining(disagreeing with him or standing up for myself is considered whining) which I often dispute with him as I don't feel this way at all, but on the other side, I have listened to him for over a year now talk about all of his exes and how well he treated them, how he tried to save them and help them but they were all crazy and how much it hurt him.

He is repeatedly telling me that I actually need to go to a hospital and get help, he knows full well that in this country this is not a possibility for me as it would mean leaving my son with him however when I suggested going back to my own country to do this that was when he exploded. He also cannot tell me what I need to go to hospital for when I ask just my 'illness'.

You're right about his knowledge of mental illnesses, he is obsessed with BPD and Narcissism... .he says though that even though he 'seems' like a narcissist he is not but cannot tell me why he isn't.

He reads about BPD everyday, every single day, and then forces onto me the symptoms, he will say 'another thing that the borderline does is... .' almost three or four times a day and assign BPD traits to what I think are normal reactions, constantly vilify me and tell me how vile this other me is(the BPD me) and then tell me I have nothing to be ashamed of and I shouldn't fight it or try and stay in denial.

He says that he wakes up everyday and is happy and joyous about life, I do not feel or see this in him or in his demeanour, and tells me that I am depressed and miserable. He calls himself a 'non' and and that I don't understand how abusive I am, that I am a bully and that he will not tolerate bullies.(I have *never* in my life had anyone call me a bully, if anything it has been the opposite but none of this matters to him, if I suggest that people in my life don't agree with the things he is telling me he says he doesn't care about other peoples opinions, then in the next breath he will be picking up his phone and telling me he's going to call his brother to get him to tell me that he is basically a great guy.)

To be honest most of our arguments I spend with my mouth literally open at the things being said, my partner before my SO killed himself after we broke up and called me up when he did it to tell me that he loved me and couldn't live without me before he did so. I am racked with tremendous guilt and regret over this, my SO knows this and when we argue if I don't cry and backdown, he will go so far as to tell me that my ex killed himself because of me and that it is no wonder that he did, that I could drive a man to suicide. This feels so devastating to hear this then afterwards he will say 'it's just words'.

He is adamant that his BPD traits are my fault because he says that 'nons' become borderline after contact with borderlines, even though his tempers and rages were evident within a few days of me coming to live with him. So my anger and frustration is my fault and HIS anger and rages and frustration are *also* my fault.

I feel like my trust in humans is almost eroded to the point of no return, I've read through a few BPD forums and have always been hesitant to post, I see people post things like my GF cut off all contact with me after a  minor thing and won't talk to me does she have BPD and I feel nauseous.

This is like something he would say, he belittles and downplays extreme situations(IMO) to make me feel or seem hysterical, for instance 'a piece of cake falls on the table and you have a meltdown over it'... .what he completely neglects is the abortion that I had the week before that, my trauma and exhaustion over it, that I had had a coil fitted that day and that he had decided to have a party for one of his friends that I spent the whole day preparing for whilst in pain.

I'm sorry I'm aware this seems like a just b___ing session it's just, I feel so strongly about some things that just seem to me to be so ... .unloving, unkind, unsupportive and when I try to communicate them to him he just dismisses them and I feel like a banshee, as though being healthy and strong means just suffering and saying nothing about how you feel or you're just being a victim. I have this urge to voice these things until someone *hears* me that just won't go away.

Everything has descended into a who is 'right' which he thinks is him, ultimately, in every way and never me, this is ok, as I would rather actually be wrong about my feelings about him but I am genuinely worried at times for him and also for whoever gets into a relationship with him int the future.

He keeps telling me that I need a narcissist or an enabler and that I'll just make the same mistake again and something about triangulation, but I have *NO* intention of getting into another relationship with anyone after this.

I also have no qualms about simply telling someone that I could have BPD and a relationship is not a good idea if it ever came to it but he feels to keep drumming into me that I am a siren and manipulator, it's strange that I feel the same way about him, I have said to him a few times that I almost feel as thought I was groomed.

I have no doubts time will settle things out and show the truth of our individual situations it's just very difficult because I do care for him.

[yellowflower]

I'm actually a little bit nervous about even writing here because he spends so much time reading about BPD and mental disorders I feel that it's only a matter of time before he arrives here.

[sweetheart]

Hi yellowflower,

It is potentially a good thing that you are in separate apartments, is your son with you, and does your SO have a key? Living separately can give you some space to think and catch your breath.

With regards to your SO finding this forum, make sure you remember to clear your history after browsing and close all your browsers. Are you on a shared device, if not do you use a passcode?

I understand why you might not feel able to contact your family, given some of the things you mention in your post.  However if their support is available to you and your son, and you are on good terms with them, then I would encourage you to contact them. It might help you feel less overwhelmed and isolated if you have contact with someone outside the relationship.

I'm hearing that you are wanting to leave but worried about what to do and how to manage because you are so isolated. We can put you in contact with crisis helplines and support local to your area. I will sort out sending you this information. It doesn't matter whether you change your mind, or remain unsure of what to do, these services will listen, support and advise you for as long as you need them to.

We can offer you ongoing support and advice for as long as you need it as well, whatever you decide to do.


I want to check with you again whether you have any concerns for your personal safety, and that if you do and you find yourself in a situation that puts you or your sons safety in question that you would know and be able to contact the police if necessary?

Below is a link that I hope you might find useful, it offers a lot of useful information including safety guidelines for you to consider https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

[Grey Kitty]

yellowflower, what you are going through sounds incredibly tough right now.

What you describe your SO doing and saying to you is verbally abusive and manipulative. You do not mention him being physically abusive, but what he says about it is very disturbing to me.

He has been doing nearly everything he accuses you of doing. One common BPD behavior is projection (read more about it in this link) This is when he finds his own behavior, beliefs, or feelings uncomfortable/unacceptable, and as a way of dealing with this, he projects those things onto you, and then attacks you for doing them.

Now he says you are likely to become physically abusive. If this is projection, I'd it as an indication that he is at risk of becoming physically violent with you soon. People who are behaving abusively tend to escalate the abuse over time if nothing changes the situation. What was screaming may become pushing, or blocking you from leaving (Which IS domestic violence in most all jurisdictions), and then escalate further.

Please read this, and look for any local DV resources that may be able to help you.

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Take care of yourself and your son, and do be careful about keeping him from finding you here, taking precautions like sweetheart listed. Be cautious about sharing details here that would clearly identify you should he find his way here. If for any reason you think you may have done that already, or if your username here is one your SO might recognize, or if you have any reason to believe he has already been reading your posts here, please ask for help. The staff here will fix things and deal with it.

[BrokenButterfly]

Hi yellowflower, I hope things have improved for you in the last month.  I know my reply is a month late, but I wanted to say my heart is breaking for you.  Probably selfishly of me, because my situation is not much different to yours except I only live in a different state to my friends and family not a different country, and I can some healthcare when my husband isn't too controlling with money.

The only other difference is I know my husband is either projecting or delusional or gaslighting.  My first husband spent most of our marriage gaslighting me, to the point where I believed I was crazy - it took years of therapy both during and after our marriage to recover from it.  This time around I've got supportive therapists and because of the crap in the past, I've been thoroughly assessed for BPD and told I don't have it, not even close to it.  I've even done a mixed group for DBT (people with all sorts of diagnoses) because of having PTSD, and been told I could stay part of the group but there wasn't much point in me doing another "round" of it, that I would be better to just continue with the therapist working one on one using some other therapy to work on my PTSD.   I mean, there are good stuff in DBT for nonBPs.  That was the whole reason I was referred to do it for my PTSD.  I also think it would be a really good therapy for my daughter for a number of non-BPD issues.

But yes, it worries me that posting will lead to my husband finding out, since he insists I have BPD even though he has been repeatedly told by professionals I have PTSD (and bipolar, anxiety etc - I'm completely open about what I do have) and definitely don't have BPD.  But I'm tired of being scared of him. So I'm going to start talking about what he has put me through.

As long as it helps reassure others they are not alone and they are not crazy, it's worth the risk.