meds & Counselling

[JenPadden]

Hi there,

This is my first time posting on this site.  Our 20 yr old son was diagnosed with BPD in Oct/15.   He had taken some pills & ended up in a psychiatric ward in our local hospital.   He was released after a week after agreeing to take his prescribed Meds and go to counselling both individual & group.  It's been very difficult as he's never gone to counselling & quit taking his Meds as he said he doesn't want to become addicted.  He's been a marijuana user for about 6 years. 

He's had various jobs that haven't lasted long at all.  He now feels trapped that he has no references to get another job.  He quit school in grade 12.  He tried 3xs to go back but just couldn't seem to do it.  We try to put the pressure on him about school or a job.  We've even threatened that he'll have to leave if he doesn't do something.

He's been at his worst the last few months.  His relationship with a girlfriend ended before last Christmas.  That ex-girlfriend is now friends with his friends that he grew up with.  He won't speak to those friends as he feels they've betrayed him.  He now sees a few other friends who at least one we feel is an alcoholic.  We don't like this person & wont allow w him in our house. 

So our son now sleeps in the basement & spends most of his days there.  We try to talk to him.  He eats but very little. He won't clean up his dishes, won't do other stuff either that we ask him to do.  He was always great before but this is something very new.   Tonight I tried to talk to him that he must see a counsellor & may very well need medication.  He blew up at me & said we don't care about him at all. He said we go on our little drives on the weekend while he's left crying in the basement while deciding if he should go jump in front of a train.   I was shocked but his dad & ive been worried for a long time.

Soo... .what should we do?   Do we take this threat of suicide seriously & have him committed?   He had gone voluntarily to the hospital in Oct but they detained him when there was the threat that he might be trying to take pills. He was so angry he had to be tied down. I'm upset they only kept him for a week and let him leave & left him to his own devices.   We aren't equipped to deal with this. He won't talk with us, won't spend any time with us. 

When he was 16, we called the police when we tried to take his marijuana & he busted holes in the walls, etc.   He was charged with assault on me.  He's never forgiven me for that.  He doesn't have a record.  The court tried to force him into counselling but he went to a few sessions & stopped.  They put a 1 yr a keep the Peace and dropped every thing.  But he's never forgotten it.   

weve had some very good times since but he's never been able to fully let things go.  He blames everyone for everything that's gone wrong in his life from us to tachers to bosses to girlfriends to friends.  My daughter who is married with 3 children thinks that we all need professional help.  She thinks that my husband and I are actually hurting him because we have never been strict enough to & set coundaries for him.    She thinks, if he doesn't get counselling and or go back to school maybe as a mature student or get a job, that we need to throw him out of the house.   She feels that leaving him to fo on the way he is is destroying him.   We feel that maybe being out on his own could help but there's also our own fear that he'll end up on the streets & we all know that mentally ill people have higher rates of suicide.   Being BPD, he's already at risk.   Can someone please advise us what we should do?  Has anyone experienced this with their BPD young adult?   Thanks for listening & I hope to hear from a few of you very soon.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Setting boundaries with anyone can be tough, but more so with a person with BPD. It will be tough given his age, the substance abuse, and his anger over the past, but consistency is crucial. Instead of asking him to do things, have you tried just telling him? This may seem a subtle distinction, but to an emotionally immature person, it's not. A pwBPD has uncontrollable emotions. Equivocating, though it may seem polite, can often result in more dysregulation. Take a look at this article on boundaries. There is a link to a workshop/discussion at the end where members discuss their experiences:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

His suicide talk sounds concerning. Committing him is a drastic step; he's kind of been there. How do you talk to him when he says these things?

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

I'd guess that you and your H go on drives to gain peace, a form of self care. pwBPD have a core fear of abandonment. It sounds like he's going to a very dark place when he feels this. It doesn't mean you are really abandoning him (and it's totally valid that you need space), but it's probably what he feels. How do you talk to him when he take about suicide?

Turkish

[Stela]

Hi Jen,

Your story is very similar sounding to mine.  My son is 19 and was diagnosed two weeks ago.  We've known for a long time something wasn't right.  We also see anger, inability to hold onto a job, etc.  He blames everyone else around him for his problems when he's in a rage.  When he's calm, he's able to talk to us rationally, but there is always a danger of things devolving.  It truly is like walking on eggshells.

I know my son told me and the neuropsychologist that diagnosed him that even though he seriously thinks about suicide, he does not want to actually die.  He has lost two friends to suicide (within a year of each other) so he has seen what suicide does to a family, to the friends, and to a community.  That being said, pwBPD are also impulsive.  I do worry that one time he will just do something in an impulsive moment and that will be it.  It's a horrible fear to live with.  What do you say to your son when he tells you this?  They know - that is the one thing that a parent most fears. 

He also smokes weed very frequently.  The neuropsych told him he needs to stop. Do you feel that it makes your son's symptoms worse or does it help calm him?

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It just sucks.