How to enforce the parenting plan?

[flourdust]

I'm getting ready to file for divorce, and I'm putting the final touches on my settlement offer to my wife ... .which includes a parenting plan. It's very, very detailed, with the assumption that I can't just have a divorce with a pwBPD where we can amiably and rationally compromise on differences. I could use a little help on a few issues I'm stuck on.

My problem is that I can't figure out what enforcement I can put in the plan. Let's say that Parent A is supposed to pay for half of the child's clothing but doesn't. Or Parent B is supposed to communicate scheduling changes using the Our Family Wizard website but instead makes phone calls at the last minute. I don't want to have to rack up court time and lawyer fees every time there's a violation of the agreement. Is there some way to build a punitive mechanism into the agreement if one parent violates the terms?

A second issue is conflict resolution or mediation. The plan says that both parents will live within a certain geographic area. If one parent moves, they both have to agree to any modifications to the parenting plan. If there isn't agreement, then there needs to be some mediation or dispute resolution process. But what should that be?

[Thunderstruck]

A second issue is conflict resolution or mediation. The plan says that both parents will live within a certain geographic area. If one parent moves, they both have to agree to any modifications to the parenting plan. If there isn't agreement, then there needs to be some mediation or dispute resolution process. But what should that be?

Check with your state laws on this... .in my state this is already spelled out. A parent can move anywhere within 50 miles, but if it's more than 50 miles then they have to go through the court process.

You might want to consider... .whose address will be used for the school district? If that parent moves, then what?

[flourdust]

A second issue is conflict resolution or mediation. The plan says that both parents will live within a certain geographic area. If one parent moves, they both have to agree to any modifications to the parenting plan. If there isn't agreement, then there needs to be some mediation or dispute resolution process. But what should that be?

Check with your state laws on this... .in my state this is already spelled out. A parent can move anywhere within 50 miles, but if it's more than 50 miles then they have to go through the court process.

You might want to consider... .whose address will be used for the school district? If that parent moves, then what?

Thanks! I will look into state law on this.

I put in the agreement where D10 will go for middle school and high school. The address isn't an issue, as we live in an open enrollment state. Children can be enrolled in almost any school district.

[flourdust]

Hmm. It appears that in my state, court permission is required for the custodial parent to move the child out of state. If there's a geographic restriction in the parenting plan (which there is, in my proposed plan), then any moves outside the region are considered a change in custody and have to be approved by the court.

[ForeverDad]

A court will not tell a parent he or she cannot move away.  We're adults, we're allowed to do what we wish, more or less.  However... .the court does control what happens if the parenting schedule, children's residence or other aspects of parenting are impacted.  That is where the court may have to step in and decide if the parents can't agree on changes.

That's why when sometimes a member writes stressed out that the Ex wants to move, I respond, "So that you don't appear to be controlling, tell the other parent that the parent's move is okay, just the children can't go too, children stay local."  Yes, I know that may not work, but my point is that our focus should always be expressed, not on what Ex does or doesn't do, but rather how the children are impacted.  (And if the Ex does move away and doesn't take the children, that's still okay.)

This is why, when my divorce was settled with 50/50 time my major requirement to settle was that I be Residential Parent.  Otherwise if my Ex moved (she did move out of the county a year later) then it was her residence elsewhere that would determine the schools, etc and I would have had to follow.

[livednlearned]

It's tough to think this stuff through in advance. 

The parenting plan is a way to signal to court that both parents agreed on something. If, after a period of time, there is a pattern of her not following the plan, you can take that documentation to court and say, "Here's example A, B, C, D, E, and F. We have a problem."

Your job is to present the court with a solution.

She will have trouble complying with the solution.

Then court starts to see that she has a problem obeying court.

This stuff takes a long time and even then, getting compliance is pretty tough. BPD is an impulse driven disorder so there is a compulsion to get her needs met that she probably can't control very well.

I say that because if your parenting plan lists enforcements that you cannot reasonably enforce, or if you have enforcements that you don't enforce, then you send the message that the parenting plan is just a piece of paper.

It's the same with consequences when someone violates a boundary of ours. We have to be able to follow through with the consequences, otherwise the boundary seems like a puff of wind.

What you might want to consider is leverage. For example, if she has a habit of making last-minute changes to the parenting plan that mean you lose time with your kids, then leverage that by saying any time missed gets added to your next visitation. Or something like that.

If she misses time with the kids, you may want to let it go because if you document that time, it's possible down the line that you can walk into court with a spreadsheet of status quo and ask for it to be made legit.

Last thing. Try to put yourself in the judge's shoes, even if you have no intention of ending up there. Judges don't want repeat customers. They want someone to walk in with a reasonable solution to the chronic problems. If she is not paying for half the kids' clothing, have a solution for how to fix the problem. Courts are terrible at coming up with good solutions, so this will fall to you.

What court seems able to do (in my experience) is sanction legal fees and order evaluations, taking away or giving more time with the kids, taking away or giving legal custody, etc.

It takes a while to get the hang of what court can and will do, and what it can't and won't do. Or what it acts like it can do, but does poorly 

Documenting the non-compliance is tedious and time-consuming, but it also helps you build a sufficient case when you want to reset the boundary that she will invariably be testing.

[flourdust]

Thanks for that thoughtful commentary. It sounds like my struggle to come up with simple consequences or enforcement isn't unique, and there's no clear answer for that.

Things are moving forward. I've retained an attorney, and we're meeting later this week to go over the plan and my proposal.