Helping daughter to agree to therapy

[smHelpMe]

Hello All, I have been so sad for several years now and to have now found this site fills me with some amount of hope. Our family has been struggling in isolation too ashamed to discuss with anyone and basically feeling like we are a damaged outcast family. So much of what is written mirrors what we have been going through - it's eerie.

Like many of the posts, we love our 23 year old daughter very much but her choices frighten us. She has gone through and is going through a lot  of pain. She does not live with us, has a minimum wage job and spends most if not all of her earning on pot, cigarettes and alcohol. She says she wants to give them up and has tried a couple of times but is making no progress. She completely shuns any discussion of getting professional help. She was academically gifted through out so it's heartbreaking to see what her life has become. This has affected me so much I started having suicidal thoughts and am now in therapy and on anti-depression meds.

So my question to this community is

1. What strategies and/or discussions helped persuade your loved one to agree to therapy?

2. I've been reading about DBT. Is that the recommended approach for BPD?

I would be very grateful for any information you can share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there

Welcome!

I've been active in this board from mid-Dec and so am still a newbie. Our BPDs25 was diagnosed last sept following a crisis. He's a long term drug user but insists he only smokes weed now, this is to self medicate to calm those racing thoughts. We spent many years seeing these odd behaviours and fears but not understanding if it was the drugs or something underlying. We've shouted, moaned, pleaded, manipulated, try to force, kicked him out, had him back, detox, counselling, but NOTHING ever worked.  Diagnosis brought relief. Drugs make things more difficult and complicated though. It's all just so sad.

Our Bpds is bright, very articulate and a deep thinker.  We've gone from high expectations to shear desperation as we finally realise his limitations.  He was an underachiever and a history of failed courses and dropping out. He's spent his life with me constantly wagging my finger at him.  However,  he's found a way to exist: menial work casually outdoors, smoke pot every evening, live day to day with no future plans. He's an adult and we are learning to accept he makes his own decisions. Importantly, we will learn to watch him suffer the consequences; we have a history of throwing money at him and his problems. 

He is not seeking treatment and there seems very little point trying to force the issue because, for it to be successful, he has to be fully committed. He has to want it for himself. 

Currently, he's very comfortable living at home with us.  We enable his lifestyle and we are very aware of that. However, with the support from this forum we are seeing signs of improvement. I understand about boundaries, limits and house rules now. Rule 1: no money is ever given to him. Rule 2: he pays towards his living expenses.

We've been working really hard at changing our own behaviours, improving communication and for the first time ever we are hopeful he will be able to life independently at some point. How can I ask him to change his behaviours when I'm not willing to change my own? I model behaviours and the rest of my family have followed (so far). It's been utterly amazing to see my son finally grow in very small ways as our relationship improves.  I validate and then validate more! and very occasionally encourage my Bpds very gently to seek treatment.  I keep my mouth shut and do not offer suggestions about how or what he could do (well, I try to!).  He is now opening up and shares his frustration and madness of having to smoke weed. I'm hoping he will eventually give up but, to be perfectly honest, I doubt he ever will.

You ask what you can do?

Read as much as you can about BPD on this site, learn as much as you can as you will better understand your daughter. It was a painful process as I discovered I was very much part of the problem. Learn how to validate and practise, practise. I have recounted conversations and asked for feedback on this forum and found it very helpful.

I've realised that I need to be the parent he needs me to be. We strive to get him to a point that he can live independently. I'll never be able to share success stories with some of my friends who have "normal" successful lives but I've learnt that my son is a great person and has many wonderful gifts and I can only hope he overcomes BPD to live a happy and fulfilling life of his choice.

I look forward to reading your posts.

There's very many on this forum who have successfully got their adult children to live successfully on their own. A wealth of information on how they have dealt with their own situation etc. You are not on your own.

[lbjnltx]

Hello and welcome to the Parenting Board! 

My d was diagnosed very young so therapy was a requirement.  As an adult it was her choice to go to therapy and she did for a while.  It was a great refresher for her to use the skills she has, be accountable for using the skills (or not) and taking responsibility for herself/her emotions/her belief system.

As a young girl (age 12-13) she did some DBT outpatient, (no group available) with her T who was self educated on DBT (that's all we had access to).  She had workbooks that she would occasionally invest time in and it just didn't click with her.  Some of the skills she uses still as do I.  So DBT is the standard for BPD treatment and each person will invest/benefit as an individual.  DBT is completely self motivated and that is the key component for any treatment to be effective. 

lbj