Consiqenses of No Contact

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

What are the short and long term consiqenses for my son if I'm not in his life?

I'm working hard on getting well and learning to deal with his BPD mother, haven't been with my son for over 4 weeks. After her rape alligation I needed time to regroup.

Thank you.

[Turkish]

What's your definition of not being in his life?

[JerryRG]

I've been away going on 5 weeks, I'm not sure what I can do realistically with my health concerns, chemo.

[ForeverDad]

Short term... .while you're out of the picture (1) she may not get overly triggered but (2) the longer you don't have contact with your son the harder it will be to get back into his life.  If you try to get back into his life later on and it ends up in court then it may be more of an "uphill struggle" since she's likely to claim you are an absentee dad (and downplay why you've been absentee).

Even if you are laying low, recovering your health and keeping your distance while licking your wounds, have your family court lawyer (if you feel unsafe to email her directly) send her or her lawyer a letter stating you are seeking to set up a parenting schedule.  Likely she will ignore it, or reject it, or overreact and make renewed allegations.  Whichever, be safe.  For self-protection, make exchanges only in public places, perhaps even in a local police station or sheriff's office.  Record yourself.

Long term... .be as involved a father as you can be, your child needs a stable person in his life.  It's hard to say in advance how much time you'll have with him.  If she seriously misbehaves and obstructs, the court may grant you more and more parenting over time.  A reasonably normal parent can expect to have alternate weekends and at least an evening or overnight in between, perhaps more.

Yes, she will protest and plot but court shouldn't prevent you from having at least reasonably normal parenting time, even if it is on the low end of the spectrum timewise.  Overall, court will ensure that you have more time than she would grant you.  So as much as court is glacially slow and often not even fair, generally its orders are better than the crumbs the Ex would allow.

I started out with alternate weekends and an evening in between.  Then moved up to equal time and Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Then move up to Legal Guardian.  The moved up to majority time during the school year.  So it worked for me.  However, it did take a while, about 8 years for all those changes.

[JerryRG]

I really was wondering about my son's psychological wellbeing if I stopped seeing him.

[Turkish]

I really was wondering about my son's psychological wellbeing if I stopped seeing him.

How would you feel? Can you put yourself in his shoes?

I could answer this from my POV, especially being adopted, never having known my father (or any father thanks to my BPD mother--- who adopted me as a single mother, so not exactly similar), but it's more useful to see yourself from his point-of-view.

[JerryRG]

I will not be around my son's evil mother ever again. She's the sickest person I've ever encounte8red

She will kill my son and me if given a chance

[Turkish]

I will not be around my son's evil mother ever again. She's the sickest person I've ever encounte8red

She will kill my son and me if given a chance

You're going through a lot with your own health, and that's a major priority. Do you really feel that she would harm your son? Have you reached out to anyone about this, or are you keeping it to yourself? Is your concern about harming him regarding your continued prescence in his life? Like if you withdrew, he would be safe? (Relatively, because being with a low functioning BPD parent, kids are not necessarily safe--- my mom almost put me into a coma when I was 13 due to her dysregulation).

[JerryRG]

My son's mother is totally insane and everyone knows it but her. I have no idea what she will do to him because I'm no expert in BPD. Her bf is just a deranged or he would see it too. I have to sit back and wait for them to harm him or give him away as they both said last time I did communicate with those two morons. I'm sick of dealing with insane people.

I cannot protect my son from them and their rose colored glasses they wear thinking they are cool and got life by the tail and they can lie and cheat and manipulate me into anything.

I won't be a part of this madness any longer, let them kill each other I don't care anymore.

[livednlearned]

Hi JerryRG,

You have a lot going on now, friend. Are you having trouble sleeping?

We're here to listen and walk alongside you.

Write letters to your son to tell him how you feel about him. Not about his mother, not about her boyfriend, just about him, your son.

Is this something you might consider doing?

[Thunderstruck]

Children of a BPD parent have a higher risk of developing mental disorders themselves (BPD, NPD, anxiety, depression). I would think that they are also at an increased risk of abuse (physically, mentally). Not to mention the feelings of "Why? What did I do that was so bad that daddy doesn't want to see me?".

When they have a non parent in their life, those risks are greatly reduced.

Believe me, I understand the struggle.   You feel like you're in this tug o war where the child is the rope. At one point you just think "I should just let go, it'll be better". From my experience and watching my SD over the past 4 years, what has been the best for her was getting a court ordered schedule in place (we got 50/50) and sticking to it. She knows what to expect, she gets to see both parents, she feels loved by all. The stability of it has done wonders for her.

[JerryRG]

Hello livednlearned

I didn't sleep well last night, I'm home resting. Yes I could write letters to my son. I tried a few times but it was painful. He wants to be with me.

I never had much faith until I finally found AA, I know what faith is but it's a new concept to me.

I gave up so many times in the past with my son when his mother made threats and said hurtful things.

I have to learn to just allow her to be who she wants to be.

She is my mother in almost perfect form, reincarnation? Lol.

My mother hated men, my father hated women, it's really amazing any of us survived that environment.

I should know by now I have nothing to worry about but I choose to make myself miserable.

Thank you for the letter writing idea, many people tell me my ex won't stop until she destroys me. She met her match this time and now she will use an innocent child to bully. I remember my son just getting right in her face when she would scream at him. He's huge, he's strong, he won't stay a little boy forever.

[livednlearned]

She is my mother in almost perfect form, reincarnation? Lol.

Have you posted on the Coping & Healing board about this? For many of us, we ended up in relationships that bear a strong resemblance to mothers and fathers who had BPD or at least traits.

Coping & Healing is a powerful place to connect the dots and learn to free yourself of the burden you carry from being raised in a dysfunctional family of origin.

[Sunfl0wer]

My situation was very different, however, visitations with another adult who was not my uBPD mom gave me hope that there was someone out in the world that cared.  Hope of another possibility in life is what helped me have the fortitude to go on in life and get me through toughest times with her.

Had I not been exposed to another 'world' or dynamic, I may not have understood there could be anything to hope for in life but the hell I was living.  Now I am not saying that my visits went well or smooth, but for me, just the fantasy of something better kept me alive.

Oh, btw, yes, my mom got all wound up and anxious over visits and created all stressful drama.  For me, I actually recall secretly enjoying this pressure on her and seeing her come undone and having to behave.  I knew that week I would be beat less so bruises were not evident.  I felt some imaginary force was protecting me for the week up until visits and like whoever it was, had control over her.  I did not mind the extra stress that week as she seemed to be more 'put in her place' than usual. While she appeared more stressed and such, it was clear to me she was afraid of being caught misbehaving or such so I knew it was about her behavior, and this was somewhat validating.

Of course, we all feel aND process stuff differently, however, I thought sharing mine is one to add to the realm of possibilities.

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone for your input

I can make excuses or just do what I know is right. I have this fear of my ex and many people tell me she only has control over what I allow her to have.

In the past I gave her way too much control just to get along with her, big mistake and I just taught her she could treat me any way she wanted and I would accept it.

Bounderies bounderies bounderios

I realize my son needs me for stability and he just needs his daddy, my dad was rarely around so I just dealt with it. I can be there for my dear son.

Fears are the enemy here, my immaturity and fear of the future.

My exgf is a very low functioning BPD and she will harm my son even if she don't deliberately decide to do it.

No matter what I need to step up for my son and give him my love and balance and peace. He longs for stability and routine and nurture to grow up sound and healthy.

All my life I've asked why? Why was I born into such a miserable dysfunctional family, why my best friends died beside me at such a young an age, why I survived so many horrible accidents and abuse and suicide attempts, and no one seemed to care.

It don't matter why, the point is I'm alive and as long as I'm here I have choices, my son has few and being born into dysfuntion was not his choice or fault.

I can make a difference if only for a day, a week or a year. Living in fear of the future only keeps my today miserable.

I've learned so much, I have so much more to learn and children can be some of our best teachers.

Thanks everyone, have a great day.

[livednlearned]

That's a really powerful post, JerryRG.

Filled with a lot of insight and self awareness.  

You give comfort to people who are where you are, the many who read and aren't ready to post yet.

And you give strength to people who feel they cannot manage.

I'm so sorry your past was filled with sadness and despair.

We are given hard beginnings and have a lot of material to work with when we begin to heal. And in healing we heal others. You will have so much humanity to share with your son, and he will be better off knowing how much you love him.



LnL

[JerryRG]

Thank you for your kind words livednlearned

Of all the why's I ask maybe being able to help others through life is all we need to know, I thought I could save my exgf, I guess saving my son from a little less torment is enough. We can't be perfect but we can be there.

[ForeverDad]

Much of the dysfunction in ourselves and our lives is generational, that is, examples handed down from one generation to the next to the next.  We all grew up in some level of dysfunction, some less, some more.  Our challenge is to break that pattern.  Help the next generation, our children, to not just survive but also prosper.  With practical peer support, greater understanding and knowledge of skills and boundaries, we can succeed.

This reminds me of a post I made years ago.

Most abused grow up to become abusers themselves.

Pardon me if I go slightly off topic here, but I thought I'd respectfully correct the above statement, presuming my searches found valid results.  Please note below the web site below which states that only about 1/3 of the victims of childhood abuse go on to be abusers, not "most".  Not much comfort, I know, but think of those wonderful 2/3 who are survivors but don't perpetuate the generational abuse cycle.

I remember speaking with one person who said that abused children face a choice, whether to become abusers themselves or not.  It is not so much a conscious decision for a person to do so, but over the course of time decisions are made that demonstrate whether he or she crosses the line over into abuser territory.

*Why is it most often assumed that the person with BPD is the abuser vs being the abused?

This is a example of a common pattern that has been repeated millions of times in millions of families:

Little son/daughter sees parents screaming and fighting all the time, maybe both aggressive against each other, or maybe just one fighting and the other one taking it passively.  Maybe it's directed at the kids too.  The poor little innocent kids either see abuse or are abused and they tell themselves, 'When I grow up I'll never do that to my spouse or to my kids or let my kids see/hear that.'

Well, guess what, the child grows up and does just what the parents did.  That's the example they grew up with.  That's how an abused person can become an abuser years later without even realizing it.  From abused to abuser.

I've talked with some parents who had bad tempers and they admitted their own parents were that way too.  Yet it was so hard, so very hard for them to realize the connection and to fight the urge to vent without self-control.  Many (but of course not all) adult problems seem to have roots in childhood when basic personality is being developed.  I don't say this to add or remove blame to anyone, but just knowing that sometimes events in childhood have serious repercussions years later may help abuse survivors to not feel so bad about themselves and to work hard to recover.

[JerryRG]

I agree Foreverdad

I have a difficult time holding my tounge and I can be verbally abusive and that is what I seen growing up. I am getting better but habits are not easy to break.

My sponsor told me if we cannot control our tounges we will never fully recover.