Summer Schedule

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This happens every summer, it's driving me crazy.

Our temp CO is kind of vague about summer vacation. "The parents shall alternate a week at a time beginning with the regular week end schedule unless otherwise agreed. Each parent may select one period of two consecutive weeks. The Father will have the first choice in odd-numbered years and the Mother in even-numbered years. Notice of the selection shall be given by April 1st."

Last year in March DH gave his two week selection. He had to practically hound uBPDbm to give hers. I think she finally did sometime in mid-April. We sent a schedule that divided up the rest of the weeks evenly to accommodate both of our weeks. uBPDbm never officially agreed to it and a week before school let out tried to completely change everything. It was a mess.

To avoid that, in March this  year we said "Let's do away with the 2 week thing because it causes too much arguing. Let's just make it simple and do week on, week off, exchanges Fridays at 6pm. Do you agree?". uBPDbm said she agreed to week on, week off.

Well NOW she is backpedalling and saying she never agreed to the exchange being Fridays at 6pm and wants to exchange on Thursdays because she works late on Fridays. Actually, she originally was saying that we "need to" change the summer schedule to be the same as our school schedule (2-2-5) because she wants to get a second job and she told them her availability is on the nights we have SD11.

I suppose there's no conflict and we week could do week on, week off with exchanges on Thursdays... .even though it's just really weird. And I don't see why not Fridays. ::shrug::

But what is bothering me... .according to uBPDbm, she will be working:

Monday: 1st job all day, 2nd job at night

Tuesday: 1st job all day, 2nd job at night

Wednesday: I think she sometimes works, sometimes has off

Thursday: 1st job during the day

Friday: 1st job during the day but she said it's her "late day"

Saturday: 1st job during the day (2nd job every other weekend)

Sunday: off (2nd job every other weekend)

That's a lot of time for SD11 to be left alone, and I don't really see the point of SD11 being over there if she doesn't even get to spend the time with her mom.

[Thunderstruck]

This happens every summer, it's driving me crazy.

Our temp CO is kind of vague about summer vacation. "The parents shall alternate a week at a time beginning with the regular week end schedule unless otherwise agreed. Each parent may select one period of two consecutive weeks. The Father will have the first choice in odd-numbered years and the Mother in even-numbered years. Notice of the selection shall be given by April 1st."

Last year in March DH gave his two week selection. He had to practically hound uBPDbm to give hers. I think she finally did sometime in mid-April. We sent a schedule that divided up the rest of the weeks evenly to accommodate both of our weeks. uBPDbm never officially agreed to it and a week before school let out tried to completely change everything. It was a mess.

To avoid that, in March this  year we said "Let's do away with the 2 week thing because it causes too much arguing. Let's just make it simple and do week on, week off, exchanges Fridays at 6pm. Do you agree?". uBPDbm said she agreed to week on, week off.

Well NOW she is backpedalling and saying she never agreed to the exchange being Fridays at 6pm and wants to exchange on Thursdays because she works late on Fridays. Actually, she originally was saying that we "need to" change the summer schedule to be the same as our school schedule (2-2-5) because she wants to get a second job and she told them her availability is on the nights we have SD11.

I suppose there's no conflict and we week could do week on, week off with exchanges on Thursdays... .even though it's just really weird. And I don't see why not Fridays. ::shrug::

But what is bothering me... .according to uBPDbm, she will be working:

Monday: 1st job all day, 2nd job at night

Tuesday: 1st job all day, 2nd job at night

Wednesday: I think she sometimes works, sometimes has off

Thursday: 1st job during the day

Friday: 1st job during the day but she said it's her "late day"

Saturday: 1st job during the day (2nd job every other weekend)

Sunday: off (2nd job every other weekend)

That's a lot of time for SD11 to be left alone, and I don't really see the point of SD11 being over there if she doesn't even get to spend the time with her mom.

[david]

Our court order states that all agreements must be in email and both parties must agree. Once an agreement is reached it can not be changed unless another agreement, by both parties, is reached in another email. This eliminated my ex changing things every few weeks. I simply stated that we already had an agreement and would give the date of the email. Several times of that and she stopped. I have changed minor things when something came up.

I would ask about the work time and time with SD11. I would simply say , What are your plans with SD11 when you are working ? Might be a better way to ask but I do believe leaving an eleven year old alone is not a good thing for her.

[Thunderstruck]

Our court order states that all agreements must be in email and both parties must agree. Once an agreement is reached it can not be changed unless another agreement, by both parties, is reached in another email. This eliminated my ex changing things every few weeks. I simply stated that we already had an agreement and would give the date of the email. Several times of that and she stopped. I have changed minor things when something came up.

This hasn't worked for us.  We reach an agreement and then uBPDbm backpedals and gaslights. She'll claim she only agreed to part of it or that she never agreed at all. It causes a huge round of conflict and lots of wasted money with the L until we finally reach an agreed order. All of this because she can't plan ahead for the summer.

We need a very specific summer order.

Or maybe we need to be more clear in our communications? Like after uBPDbm "agrees" say something about how her agreement means she agrees to the entire contents of the message and this is her last chance to object? Then state that this is what will be followed until another agreement is reached.

I would ask about the work time and time with SD11. I would simply say , What are your plans with SD11 when you are working ? Might be a better way to ask but I do believe leaving an eleven year old alone is not a good thing for her.

SD11 is going to be left home alone. There is nothing we can do about it. We've tried going to the court and the judge said "BPDmom can do what she wants during her time".   That was a waste of a couple thousand dollars.

[Thunderstruck]

We told her we were ok with the Thursday exchange. We also gave her most of that first Thursday night because she wanted to take SD11 to her graduation.

In exchange we're getting... .residential parent for school purposes.  

This is big. It means we don't have to worry about what middle school SD11 will be attending in the fall. phew!

We're getting this in an agreed order and filing it with the court. Quickly, before she changes her mind!

[david]

I used to repeat what ex said in her email. I would say something like, dad picks up boys at 9am Monday, july 11 and the boys are with him until july 18.Mom picks up boys july 18 at 9am etc for teh entire summer. I would spell out exactly what was agreed to and ask if that is what she agreed to. Our order also states that such emails must be responded to within 48 hours.

Back around 2008 (unsure exactly when) ex would disagree with things after they were already agreed to in an email. I would then file a contempt of court against ex. I forget the exact procedure but I spent a day in the law court in our county to find out how to do that pro se. I then used a previous paper filed by my atty as a template so it looked correct for my county. The first time I did that the clerk wanted to know what attorney helped me. I explained what I did and they didn't believe me because, " It looked too good to be done by someone that wasn't an attorney." I thanked them for the complement. I believe I needed three copies and they all had to be time stamped at the court. It is a struggle the first time but once you figure out the procedure it is real easy especially if you have it on your computer. All you have to do is modify the dates and particulars. If you don't have a template you might want an attorney to do it the first time and then follow that template.

 

I only had to do that, if I recall correctly, four times and then my ex stopped testing me. Once my ex stopped "winning" in court things got easier.

As far as leaving SD11 alone at her mom's. I would document the summer and whenever she was alone as best as possible. Six months to a year of that and then you can file for a custody modification based on a change of circumstance. If SD11 is alone make sure she has a way to communicate with you and your spouse and go over various scenarios. Also, why would the courts disagree with SD11 calling you and asking to be picked up to come over until mom gets out of work ? or something similar since she is on her own

My ex had the majority of time during the school year. I had an entire year , documented, of every homework done by our boys. They did over 90 % or 95 % when they were with me. The little they did with her was either incomplete of incorrect. I then filed for a change in custody. Ex delayed it for almost two years but never changed her behavior. I continued to document. I had a pile 6 to 8 inches tall of every homework for that time period. All were signed and dated. I then made a single sheet that explained the pile. I had my atty introduce the entire thing as evidence. I needed three copies of everything. In court the judge got a copy and ex got a copy. It was up to ex to either agree with the top sheet or go over the entire pile right then and there. She agreed with the single sheet and that was introduced as evidence. Judges must base their rulings on the evidence and paper evidence holds more weight then verbal testimony.

I would do nothing until the residential parent is finalized through the court.

[ForeverDad]

In exchange we're getting... .residential parent for school purposes. 

This is big. It means we don't have to worry about what middle school SD11 will be attending in the fall. phew!

We're getting this in an agreed order and filing it with the court. Quickly, before she changes her mind!

Yes!  Very, very quickly.  Withdraw agreement to Thursdays if she renegs on the RP designation.

You've included the CE in this agreement interchange or will forward it?  That gives more weight to the CE also including that recommendation in the CE report.

In my view being RP has some benefit even if the lawyers insist it means nothing.  One likely benefit is that the school is more likely to default their calls and letters to you first.

This is concerning "Residential Parent for School Purposes".  In Shared Parenting that's all RPfSP means, just to determine where the children attend school, or so both lawyers told me.  The both insisted it really didn't matter.  How wrong they were... .

(1)  On trial morning upon arriving "at the court house steps", when my ex couldn't drag out the 2 year divorce process any longer, I was told she was finally ready to settle.  I said, I will settle only if I become Residential Parent, otherwise let's start the trial.  She literally begged to stay Residential Parent (she had it in the temporary order during the two year divorce) but I held firm, it was that or proceed with the trial.  Both lawyers told us it was ridiculous, that RP meant nothing in Shared Parenting except which school the child attended.  But I held firm and got it.  Since three months were still remaining in the school year, the school let me apply for Open Enrollment for the rest of the year.  The very next month the school principal notified me that due to his mother's continuing incidents at school including attempted pick ups on days that weren't hers, the board was denying my Open Enrollment and I had one day to enroll him in my own school district for the last six weeks of kindergarten.  Imagine... .Kicked out of kindergarten... .

(2)  I called CPS earlier this year to report my ex had again taken our child to the local children's hospital's ER to make allegations yet again.  Asked if I lived in mother's county, I said, No.  The CPS staffer then said to contact CPS in her county.  When I said all our history is in this county, I was told, their systems now share records between counties, so I should call her county's offices.  I asked, Why hers and not mine?  The CPS staffer said, You call the Residential Parent's county offices.  I replied, I'm Residential Parent!  **OOPS**  Many agencies still make assumptions that the mother has control of custody, residency and parenting time.

[Nope]

We told her we were ok with the Thursday exchange. We also gave her most of that first Thursday night because she wanted to take SD11 to her graduation.

In exchange we're getting... .residential parent for school purposes.  

This is awesome. But too easy. Yes run, don't walk, to court to get it entered. She seems very low functioning and getting a kid signed up for a new school system is a multi step pain in the rear. Perhaps that was more than she could handle. Expect to hear for the next seven years all about how she did you a favor and you've returned that favor by being mean to her.

[ForeverDad]

Yes run, don't walk, to court to get it entered.

This is off topic but that phrase reminded me of Cary Grant's last big movie (1966), "Walk, Don't Run."  He was only 62 but I understand he decided he would retire from movies while he still looked good.

[Thunderstruck]

ForeverDad... .I thought of you when we made that deal. I don't think uBPDbm understands what it means that we're now the RP, otherwise I doubt she would have agreed! It'll be such a relief, though, that she won't be able to just up and move and uproot SD11 because she feels like it.

Nope... .I agree. It seems too easy. uBPDbm just gave us the "cold shoulder" for a week by not checking OFW messages that we were trying to send to her. I think that something triggered her and she realized that changing schools was not going to happen. (maybe the CE said something to her? Maybe the school told her that they needed DHs approval as well?).

We sent her the wording we will be putting in the agreed order and her response was:

":)on't you think it's ridiculous to have the attorney type this up when we've already agreed to it? It's such a waste of money. That money would be far better spent on things [SD11] needs."

Yes... .but we also 'agreed' in March. 

[david]

You have another documented agreement in her response.