Help:(

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have an adult child that I believe has BPD.  It started with an eating disorder at the age of 14.  I thought that her problems were caused by this disorder. 15 years later, after many battles amongst family and friends, I began scouring the internet with her symptoms in hopes of finding answers.  We need to get a diagnosis from a professional... .We have seen many during her lifetime and none mentioned BPD. She displays low self esteem, angry outbursts, depression, ED, impaired relationship, emotional instability... .And the family has to walk on egg shells when she comes home.  She has moved 15 times in 17 years. We help her and foot the bill. We think she is searching for happiness? I have such a long story- this is only a part of it... .But we need help. She will not go to a counselor... .I need to set up boundaries - when she is down... .The text msgs. are to me. One after another ... .Threatens to take her life and blames me... .Sometime 30 msgs.  I quit responding or say STOP.  I Don't think I can do this much longer

[Tanker]

I have an adult child that I believe has BPD.  It started with an eating disorder at the age of 14.  I thought that her problems were caused by this disorder. 15 years later, after many battles amongst family and friends, I began scouring the internet with her symptoms in hopes of finding answers.  We need to get a diagnosis from a professional... .We have seen many during her lifetime and none mentioned BPD. She displays low self esteem, angry outbursts, depression, ED, impaired relationship, emotional instability... .And the family has to walk on egg shells when she comes home.  She has moved 15 times in 17 years. We help her and foot the bill. We think she is searching for happiness? I have such a long story- this is only a part of it... .But we need help. She will not go to a counselor... .I need to set up boundaries - when she is down... .The text msgs. are to me. One after another ... .Threatens to take her life and blames me... .Sometime 30 msgs.  I quit responding or say STOP.  I Don't think I can do this much longer

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Herodias]

Look to the NAMI website for some help. National Alliance for Mental Health. I took some classes they had locally and there were allot of parents dealing with children and adult children there. Hopefully you have something like that in your town. It helps to get involved with other people going through it to learn what you can do. When someone is suicidal you tell them you are not qualified to help them and you will call for help if they need it. This will either get them to stop if they are not serious, but if they are-call 911 and tell them you need help. Mine usually would do the whole cry for help thing, but when he was serious, he would act like I should know... .I didn't always, but usually he would tell me yes, to call if he was. Sorry you are going through this... .

[lbjnltx]

Hi Tanker,

Welcome to the Parenting board, we are glad to have you here with us though sorry to learn that your d29 is suffering and you, along with the rest of your family are suffering too.

Attending a NAMI group or an NEA-BPD Family Connections program is a good idea that Herodias suggests.  In conjunction with an individual therapist, and this online support group can really begin to gain clarity on what is the most supportive, self protective decision to make in situations where fear and confusion usually reign.  It isn't ever easy, and it can get better.

Knowing my daughter (dx with ODD, MDD, and Emerging BPD at age 12) I would venture to guess that the reason your daughter is constantly moving is because she is looking outside herself for the cause of her unhappiness/stress/chaos.  It is her job, her boss, her environment, her friends, her lack of friends, her housing, etc that are making her unhappy.  The constant in all of these is of course "her". 

Rather than enable her to continue to look outward by footing the bill for yet another move, have you thought about supporting her by offering to pay for self help (life coach well versed in BPD and ED, individual therapist, Residential Treatment, Intense Outpatient Treatment)? 

Dealing with suicidal threats is a scary and painful thing.  We are unsure if the threats are for manipulative purposes or the intent is real.  I will say it is both.  It has been my experience that when my daughter would say "I want to kill myself" or "I'd rather be dead" etc... .that she truly does, in that moment, feel that way.  It isn't to manipulate me and I do feel manipulated.  Couple these intense in-the-moment feelings with the impulsivity that comes with a BPD/traits of BPD diagnoses and the perfect storm does exist.

Developing an understanding of how to best handle these suicidal threats can be a great relief.  Here is some information to help you get a broader perspective and aid you in developing a plan of action regarding suicidal threats:

WorkShop:  Dealing with Threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Crisis Safety Plan  Particularly Part II that talks about knowing the consequences and potential outcomes of any action that you take.

Please stay with us and continue to let us know how we can help.  We are here to support you as you learn how to take care of your needs and support your daughter.

lbj