My story

[Moshi]

I joined a few months ago but finally able to bring myself to post. I am not even sure where to begin. I have a sister with undiagnosed BPD, and my mother might have uBPD as well. My mother and I no longer speak, so it's not as much as a direct issue currently, though it obviously affects areas of my life still. Honestly, cutting her off was the best decision I ever made and I've never been happier.

The biggest issue for me now is my sister. She has always been difficult, erratic, moody, explosive, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, happy one second, angry the next... .the list goes on. I have had to walk on eggshells my entire life with her, my mother and father (who passed), who all have different but also similar symptoms of uBPD. For my whole life, I thought I had a normal family and that is was me that was the problem - and I struggled privately with my own depression, anxiety, etc. Once I sought help (therapy) and developed positive, loving relationships with my husband and friends, I realized just how dysfunctional my family is. It was my therapist who first suggested my sister may have BPD. Something really clicked then. It felt like a huge relief to even have a name to it.

The majority of the time my sister does not think she has any problem, but that the problem is with everyone else in the whole world around her. She recently said she thought she had BPD (a breakthrough, finally!) but then went back to denial other times afterwards. Regardless she refused to seek any help. She is constantly unhappy with her life - work, marriage, friends, etc., but again, she thinks it is all them and not her. She has a child and seems like a good mom now, but I worry how long that will last as her child gets older and the longer she postpones treatment.

Right now we live quite far away so I am able to minimize contact and just recently learned about "medium chill." I am not always successful because I am sometimes kept on the phone for hours and hours, listening to her new issue with so and so or whatnot. I've learned not to share things about my own life because of her judgements, but it's not as though she ever really asks or anything.

So currently she's in a bout of depression and wants to move closer to me. Admittedly, I am freaked out. I don't think I expressed much positivity to the idea and I don't think she will actually go through with it, but I am not sure. As such, I am very stressed out and anxious. I do not want the responsibility of taking care of someone that refuses to help themselves (having already done this for years) and I did not sign up to have the responsibility for her kid. I just feel lost and hopeless. Mostly, I am so exhausted and frustrated and I just want to focus on my own life and recovery.

Anyway, thanks for providing a space for this. Not sure where to go from here, but at least this is a start... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Moshi:

Welcome

I'm so sorry about what you went through/are still going through with your uBPD sis. Good to see you post.  There are very helpful people here. I find that posting about my frustration helps me vent and you can gain some helpful information and support along the way.  

I can identify with much of what you are saying.  My situation is with my uBPD sis.  She won't go to counseling, because she says "she doesn't need it".  I, also, choose to go to therapy, and that is where I learned about BPD.  After a few sessions, my therapist said I might be interested in reading the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  I bought the workbook as well.  A lot of light bulbs turned on when I read it.  The book referenced this website, and that was what brought me here.

My uBPD sis and I are still acting as co-trustees to close out our parent's estate (both recently passed).  I'll spare you the details, but my sister got a lawyer and now I've had to get my own lawyer to deal with her.  I can certainly identify with excess worrying and anxiety, especially when we aren't sure what the uBPD in our lives will come up with next.

I just bought another book, that my therapist recommended. "The Worry Cure" by Robert Leahy.  (If you search for that one, pay attention to the author, as there are multiple books with the same, or close to the same title).  I asked for a recommendation, as I was worrying way too much about forthcoming interactions with my sister.  Anxiety has been consuming me, so I'm on a quest to tame it.  I can't wait for the day when we have finished the last bit of trust/estate business.  Maybe then, I can go total no contact (NC) with my sister and finish my grieving process and concentrate on more pleasant things

I, also, found a book called "The Anxiety & Worry Workbook", by David Clark and Aaron Beck.  It is a cognitive approach.  Something to consider reading.



Take care & do something nice for yourself.  If you are still in therapy, perhaps your T can help you with some strategy to get through the anxiety. I'm getting quite a collection of stress relief tools,

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Moshi!  

So glad that you have joined us and especially that you took the big step to post!  It is so overwhelming to find out about BPD and as you learn more and more, the light bulbs keep coming on. As I'm sure you've seen from reading other posts here, there is a lot of help and understanding from the members.

Sounds like there are a lot of very typical BPD behaviors in your sister. I am sorry for the stress that she is putting you through. I can certainly understand why you are so triggered by the thought of her wanting to move close to you. If my uBPDm had done the same, I would definitely have freaked out!

I am glad to hear you have a T. Are you still in T? It is so helpful to me when I speak with my T and gain help for each challenge I face.  Is there anything in particular that you are able to do that you find soothing?


Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

 

Oops, lost my Internet connection.  I went back to edit my previous post and ended up with a 2nd post.

Some of the stress relief things I've tried are: Guided meditation, aromatherapy and a coloring book app on my Ipad. 

Part of the challenge I deal with is that I get a good pace going with stress reduction efforts, then another stressful situation happens, and for a period of time I tend to abandon the stress relief tools.

[Moshi]

Wow, thank you so much for the supportive responses Woolspinner2000 and Naughty Nibbler. It means a lot to not have to be totally alone in this. I feel it's really hard for friends to relate when they don't know anyone with BPD. Most people think I am exaggerating when I describe my sister. It's so consuming.

I have been meaning to check out "Stop Walking on Eggshells" for a while now. I may bite the bullet and finally get it. Therapy has been somewhat helpful for this and for other issues, but it's not 100%. I am trying to relax more and focus on self-care. I may get that coloring book app you mention... .I recently downloaded a jigsaw puzzle app on my iPad and really liked that. I am the same way, I get on a kick but then stressful things crop up and then I'm back on some bad habits. I think I recently hit my "now or never" point and I am really going to make every effort to take care of myself and health.

Thanks again for all your support.