Live at home, Mom has BPD, need help.

[Dhand77]

Hello all,

I don't even know where to start. I was recently discarded by my exBPDgf, started therapy, discovered that I am co-dependent and my mother also has BPD.

I'm 38 years old, and I've never left home. My mother raised my brother and myself alone for the better part of my life. Throughout the years, I'm constantly criticized, put down, made to feel inferior, guilt tripped whenever I show signs of autonomy, and kept finically weakened because she has always taken 40% of my earnings and then told I contribute nothing when I question things. I'm always threatened to be kicked out if we have a disagreement, she has never showed affection towards me, and I'm constantly being called self centered whenever I want to do something for myself. It's ALWAYS about her. ALWAYS. She doesn't even talk to me about my interests, she ONLY talks about her. She's miserable and hateful. Never takes responsibility for her actions and is ALWAYS the victim.

Thanks to therapy, I now realize I HAVE to get out.

Which in lies my conundrum.

We co-parent my nephew, whom she has custody of, after my brother's drug addiction resulted in him losing custody. We have been raising him for the past 6 years. I feel like leaving would be abandoning him. I know, I'll be painted black if I leave, the same way my ex is currently painting me black.

I'm also in no financial shape to leave at the moment. I want to create an emotional healthy lifestyle, and I realize if I remain here I'll never be able to do that. I'll never be independent. I'll always be controlled, bossed around and told what to do. I always have her sabotaging my relationships, so she can be the primary relationship in my life. At 38 years old, I've finally awoken, and I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Dhand77 

I have a uBPD sis.  My niece is close to your age and still lives with her mother.  As seems to be the norm, my niece is in therapy, but her mom isn't.

So sorry about your situation.  Have you thought about talking to your therapist about guiding you to put a plan in place to work towards a brighter future?

We co-parent my nephew, whom she has custody of, after my brother's drug addiction resulted in him losing custody. We have been raising him for the past 6 years.

How old is your nephew, 6 or a couple years older?  Does he have any contact with his mom or dad?  How does your mom treat your nephew?

I'm 38 years old, and I've never left home. .  .  .  .and kept financially weakened because she has always taken 40% of my earnings

It isn't uncommon for adult children to contribute to the household, but sounds like you may feel like a hostage?  How can she "take 40%" of your earnings without your participation?

What can you do to prepare for a better paying job?  Can you learn some skills, a trade perhaps?

Thanks to therapy, I now realize I HAVE to get out.   

You can't change your mom, but you have the power to change you and your situation.  Tell your therapist that you want to make a plan to get out of your mom's house.  Ask her/him to help guide you to make that plan.  Brainstorm a list of all the things you need to do to move out.  What are the options? (rent a room somewhere for awhile, live with a friend and pay some rent, etc)

Goals are best broken down into steps and it is helpful to have targets along the way.  (i.e. 25% mark, 50% mark, etc.).  You would likely have a group of individual goals to discuss with your therapist:  Job and income, moving out, and co-parenting your nephew.

It may seem overwhelming right now, but once you start working on some goals, you will feel more empowered and hopeful for your future.  Even when you move out of your mom's house, you can still have contact with your nephew and participate in his parenting.  Your mom may add a degree of difficulty to things, but once you make some milestones with your goals, you can get more confident.

Perhaps you might think about some goals and ideas, write them down and take your list to your next therapy session.  I'm thinking that in the long run, that breaking free from your mom will make you a better roll model for your nephew.  You may have some challenges along the way, but you can do this! 

Best wishes

[Rock Chick]

Sounds a lot like my bf's mother. Well most what you said Dhand77. My BPD is ALWAYS the victim and we are always the meanie, the bully, the abuser, the a*****e, etc. She too criticizes, puts down, guilt trips etc my bf (and sometimes me) all the time and esp. when good things happen to my bf and I or we try to live our lives spend time with each other etc. She was like this before my bf and I met too. She gets worse with age. My bf also contributes to the bills on top of paying for his own bills yet she always says she pays for everything and he doesn't pay for anything or says the apartment is hers she pays for it. When in reality the government and disability pays for the place and bills and the rest her son pays and if he didn't she be on street like renters insurance and 25% of the rent and over half of gas n electric cable etc. I hear ya about being threatened to be kicked out... .thats our BPD's newest thing... .started beginning this yr about... .she threatens to kick out or call the cops to get him out of there and bans him from place etc. Oh self centered we have heard that one b4 as well as selfish greedy etc.

Reading your post is it possible she could also have some co-morbid other personality disorders like histrionic, narcissistic etc? Just curious.

I hope things improve in your life Dhand77. Hugs!

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, Dhand77. 

I'm glad you've joined us. After 38 years, making changes will feel challenging and scary, but it sounds like you are ready! It's great that you have professional support in place already. I think Naughty Nibbler's suggestion of enlisting your therapist to help you create a plan for living independently is great. S/he will probably also have some advice for ways you may be able to continue being there for your nephew as well. If you have access to legal advice, I'd recommend that, too.

I remember feeling almost paralyzed every time I tried to make a decision--a lot of that is being conditioned that any single wrong move would be catastrophic. The good news is, real life in the world outside my mother's house doesn't work that way. I can decide what I want and need and it's still okay, even if I make a misstep or two--there's always a solution to any problematic situation. You might find that you can put down some of your anxiety, that you don't really need it all. I wish you all the best as you move into this new stage of your life. 

Wishing you peace,

PF