Here we go again...

[Eyeamme]

Hey Ray

I feel for you.  I know what you are going through.  You need to remember that these are the choices she is making.  You would have different ones for her.

I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

Eye

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Very sweet and extremely appreciated that you reached out after I had second thoughts about posting my last post... .

Us birds gotta look out for each other you know!

But on a more serious note, this really is a very difficult situation.

Things have continued to spiral out of control.  It seems everything in my life is currently out of whack. Most days it's hard to even get out of bed let along function at work.  I think it's pretty clear to see that I'm depressed... .

Are you getting help for yourself perhaps? Perhaps a therapist to help you deal with this depression?

She's still staying out all night most nights.  Our meeting with the lawyer is this Wednesday where we are going to discuss how we can get her back in to an RTC.

I hope this meeting goes well and that you'll be able to come up with a strategy to get your daughter the help she clearly needs.

She comes home from time to time to grab clothes, shower and than leaves again.  I'm to the point where I don't put anything past her so I'm not even calling the police when she doesn't come home. Hopeful that with the help of the lawyer and the judge we can get her sent back to RTC to at least have calm and peace restored at home.

From what you say here it becomes clear that you really don't feel safe around her anymore which only makes it even more important that you daughter gets help.

I feel like a shell of the self I once was.  Always miserable and angry when I once was happy and optimistic. I don't like myself very much these days.

You have been through this before with your daughter, but then things seemed to get better. To now have to be dealing with the same thing again really is a significant blow so I understand why you're feeling this way. No loving parent would be happy with their child behaving the way your daughter does and the fact that it is affecting you so, is also a sign of how much you care about her. You want the best for her and then it is very tough to see things unraveling like this.

These negative feelings are real and understandable, but can and hopefully will also pass again. I too encourage you to be gentle with yourself and very mindful of your own feelings as you deal with all of this

[raytamtay3]

Hello everyone.  I just wanted to stop by to let everyone know that we met with the lawyer (new one from last time as the former had to close practice due to an illness).  We told him all of the challenges we are facing, and what we would like the outcome to be, etc.  Even mentioned the idea of writing the judge a letter asking her to court order DD back to Residential.  She said that would be an ok idea, and to please send him a draft first which I will.  I drafted one today and sent to my DH for his review/input.

Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning as it was 4:00 am), I woke up to go get a glass of water from the kitchen when my house phone rings.  Here it was my DH calling from the garage saying how DD's friend was out front flashing her headlights at our house obviously trying to get the attention of DD who was asleep in bed.  He wanted to call the cops and I, or should I say dummy me, told him to just go out and tell her to leave.  He did.  She claimed DD had told her she could wait there until her father called... .DH said that sh*t doesn't flush around here and to beat it and if she ever comes to our house doing that crap again, he's calling the police.  

Next morning I woke up before DD and heard her on the phone with said friend.  From what I could gather there must have been a party or something going that her friend was trying to get her to go to.  Well DD was in the bathroom at the time talking to said friend and she comes storming out and slams her bedroom door.  Her room is right across from ours and DH was still sleeping.  Then she proceeded to turn her radio up full blast.  I knocked on her door asking her to turn it down and she said “no, I want to wake his dumb a$$ up”!  Saying how her friend got locked out of her house and she was waiting for her father to call her. (LIE) I said she could easily wait at his house.  At first I wanted DH to shut the power.  And I really really should have had him do it.  But I just started Lexapro and Wellbutrin this past Thursday, and had already woken up with extreme anxiety to the point my heart was racing (side affect).  After telling DH this, he agreed that at that moment it might not be a good idea to have to do that because we both know how things would escalate which would result in the police being called.  So she got away with it! I am beyond pissed off.  I am at my wits end.  I am so done with her.  Forget about validation forget about any of that crap because I cannot do it anymore because it is simply ineffective with my DD.  It might work with some, but not mine.

Just pray for us that DD is court ordered back into a residential center because I don’t know how much more restraint I can have.

On a side note, I had my very first panic attack on this medication I have been giving Saturday night to the point I thought I was going to have to go to the ER.  It subsided after about ½ hour but it was horrible.  But just to show how desperate I am, I am trying to preserve until the side effects where off just to feel better and help me through all this crap!

Oh and PS, we are like 90% sure DD is no longer working.  So that would be 3 jobs in 6 months.

[raytamtay3]

Oh and one more thing.  She got a ticket for being a passenger in a vehicle without a seatbelt on that's been sitting on the fridge for a month that she has not paid.  She had the nerve to call me today to ask me to find out how she goes about paying as in location.  I told her to figure it out.  Of course that resulted in her cursing me out and my hanging up.  This is her mindset.  Treat us like garbage and then turn around and ask for something. Nope - sorry - no more.  You think your mature enough and old enough to come in all hours of the night if at all - well than your old enough to figure out how to pay a ticket. Where's the angry emoji on here? .

[infiniteeyes]

Raytamtay as we always say to each other your story is almost an exact copy of ours.

I too developed pretty severe anxiety (to the point of agoraphobia) and i have been on meds for the last 8 months. Sticking with them is a good idea and I found that for most people including me it takes about 4 weeks to feel the full effect. Before this I would have been anti meds but I have to concede that I could not have coped with the last year without them. I only wish I had started them sooner tbh.

I was having panic attacks on a daily basis and I did end up in ER at one point.

I understand your frustration completely. I did learn all the tools also and read all the books. We even did the DBT course and other family programmes. None of which worked in the long term. But instead of getting bitter about my time wasted I have learned to value what I have learned as I can use it in my interactions with other people and has made me a stronger & wiser person (a little) 

My DD16 has been in residential for 5 months now, her first time. I havent seen her in 2 months. The funny thing is the same relationship which caused my anxiety was the same relationship which helped me to overcome it as I had to bite the bullet and leave my house and travel 3 hours to visit. Not that my DD recognised or appreciated how difficult this was for me.

I will light a candle for you and say a prayer that the judge does in fact make the decision to send your beloved DD back into RTC for both of your sakes and the rest of your family too. Hang in there my dear 

[Lollypop]

Hi raytamtay3

Oh my word, just read all of this thread. I really feel for you and I've been there with those "enough's enough, I've had it". I've been so angry, resentful and completely hated my Bpds for every single thing he did to us. This eventually turned to a complete flat feeling of hopelessness. But with every crisis there comes change. And here I am now in a far better situation. See how I used the word "I"?

Breathe my friend. Pause. You can find a way to stop the chaos. We are all trying, feeling, our way to living a happier life despite our problems. It can be done, it just takes a lot longer than any of us like.

Hugs to you.

L

[raytamtay3]

Thanks everyone.  It is extremely comforting to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that unfortunately so many people are suffering as a result of mental illness in their families, on their own, etc.

I must say though, I feel better today and am hoping perhaps the medication is starting to kick in a bit.  I realize it's only been a week and a realize it could just be the placebo affect many talk about BUT I WILL TAKE IT!  I feel like the fog has lifted and the dark cloud is dissipating. 

I literally felt like that new commercial out there for some depression med where people carry around that happy face sign.  Only thing is, I couldn't even fake a smile. That is how bad it was.  I find myself laughing again. 

DD came home to grab clothes again last night and left again.  I just stared as she walked by, which she did with a smile and giving me the peace sign.  Then says "damn mom, I can't even look at you because you give me the death stare".  I had no words.

I am just hoping and praying she's ordered back.  I still cannot believe she reverted right back.  WOW.

[raytamtay3]

I know this is my own darn fault for not listening to others when they said DD16 should have gone to a halfway house prior to coming home.  I wanted to believe she was reformed and would do everything in her power to not put herself in a situation where she would have to go back…

I still am in total disbelief that we are back to square one.  I just mailed the letter to the judge…our lawyer mentioned how that there is no guarantee that the judge will keep the letter between herself and me.  While I wish it could be that way, I know I have to “man up” and deal with it and take ownership of my part in trying to get DD help again.  But my nerves are shot!

DH and I are thinking there is a potential the judge will have DD go on probation and set guidelines she will need to follow, which I’m sure will be to follow the house rules like before, and that I am to report to the probation officer if she doesn’t.  So that will mean we have to go back to calling the police when she stays out past curfew.  I feel like this nightmare is never going to end.

[jellibeans]

Dear Ray

Just reading your post and getting caught up. I am so sorry for the pain you have been going through with your dd. I think things with my dd got really bad before she turned 18. Do what you can before she turns... .afterwards things become very difficult.

I have a few questions for you regarding Dd... .

1) When she doesn't come home do you report her missing to the police or run away?

2) Have you considered changing the locks on your home?

3) Have you tried to get the police involved... .saying she is a danger to herself? Get her on a 72 hour hold?

Right now I really feel you dd has addiction issues... .drugs will prevent someone from making the right choices... if you are looking at RTC please make sure they also have experience with drugs/alcohol. She needs a dual dx facility.

Ray what are you doing for yourself? Can you get to a place of letting go? This helped me a great deal. The realization I can not control my dd. It is very freeing and has helped me cope when things are not good. let go... .for school... .for now. There is always time for her to get her HS diploma.

What I see as the real issue right now is that she is coming and going as she please from your home and not respecting you or your home. How to deal with that? See question above.

Please keep us post Ray. I am not here much but I try to get on when I can. To let you know things are better with my dd. We are in good place right now and I am just living in that moment. I am not worrying about the future... .I hope things get better for you... .hang in there

[raytamtay3]

Sorry I'm just now responding.  What are we doing when DD doesn't come home? As much as I know this isn't the correct way to go about it, nothing.  The plan DH and I have is when she's on probation, which more than likely will be ordered at court tomorrow, is when we are going to begin getting the police involved.  This way it's pretty much a given that she will have a bench warrant which will mean she will go to juvi and the entire cycle of how we got her in RTC will begin again.

She's been gone for 4 days now.  I know she is safe because we've textd back and forth a couple of times coupled with her posting pictures on instagram.  Thankfully she isn't savy enough to have it private yet... .

[raytamtay3]

I just heard from DD who said she is moving out today. Said how I said she could.  No, I said by law, she could not.  Now she's saying tomorrow she is going to talk to the judge about being emancipated.    Hell if I knew for a fact she could be, I would not stand in her way! She just doesn't get it.  I told her how judges want to see at the very least, you have a job for a year, a savings, a place to stay - basically that you are financially able to support yourself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hope all goes well today ray.  Let us know the outcome, we are thinking of you and your family.


lbj

[mggt]

   luck ray with all of this I know personally as we all do how devastating and trying this all is

[jellibeans]

Ray

I am sorry the struggle continues... .I hope the day goes well for you and your DD. I have been through some of the same things with my dd and I know it is hard to keep hopeful and also hard to know when to let go. It seems the more we try and control the more they rebel. My dd was dx with ODD when younger and I have seen her say no to a suggestion soley because I have made it.

Last year my dd didn't spend much time in our home. She was in rehab or sober living. I like to say that was a less stressful year but it was not. I do know that when she turned 18 things did change a bit. Instead of her telling us she was leaving she started asking to stay and that is when we could put boundaries in place for her to live in our home. It was very eye opening at times to see how much our dd really struggled on a daily basis and how much she needed us. But here is the most important thing that happened... .she started to appreciate our home and us for what we have done for her. Now we are not always the enemy. Some how we are getting a bit smarter every year!

If she wants to go I would let her try... .it is my experience that the grass is not always greener on the other side and they start realizing what they gave up. I hope the day goes well. Hang in there... .try to remain hopeful and let things play out.

[wendydarling]

Ray

While way outside my experience I send you my love and support alongside all. 

WDx

[Shell Shocked]

I know this is an older thread but goodness I can relate to so much of it.  ((hugs))  My daughter decided this year (senior year) that our rules are stupid and she doesn't need to follow them anymore.  It has been a rough year.  She also leaves for days at a time and will text me that she is at a friend's house.  She is in danger of not graduating and I am not sure what the future holds for her. 

[raytamtay3]

Hi Shellshocked.   Thanks for your reply, and I am sorry that you are dealing with the struggle as well.

DD is in a shelter pending placement at a program that is much like foster care. Only, I will maintain custody. It will be with a family specialized in dealing with kids like DD16.  There is suppose to be one other female there as well.  All I can do at this point is keep my fingers crossed and try not to anticipate what's going to happen with that... .

[raytamtay3]

Had court today.  The judge was not in a good mood (thankfully).  :)D was trying to get moved from the shelter she is in to another shelter stating she felt unsafe because evidently at the house her and two other females are at has people banging on the windows in the middle of the night and a couple of times the door has been wide open when they've come back from being out.  She asked our lawyer to ask the judge if she can move to a different shelter and the judge said no - pending documentation proving what DD says.  Because I am FINALLY aware of DD's manipulation tactics, I believe she wanted the move because the other shelter isn't as strict.  We used them the last time we were going through this.  In the one she's in now, if you so much as raise your voice, your visits are suspended.  Not only that, DD knew I'd have to be the one to transport her and probably had every intention of badgering me about getting her cigs, taking her home to get more clothes at which point she'd try to use the phone, etc.  I'm sorry, but she has completely lost my trust.  Our lawyer is going to contract the district police where DD is staying to see if they have reports like DD has said and if so, then present them to the judge to move her.

DD threw a fit in the lobby of the court house.  She was cursing saying how because she is mixed in with African-American girls and staff (DD is not prejudice at all, and in fact, thinks she's African American too), it's rednecks doing it and how nobody will be happy until she gets hurt.  At one point an office had to tell her to calm down at which point, DD stormed off to wait at the elevators.

I do not like our new lawyer.  We had a sit down before we went in and he was saying things like the police had no right to search DD's purse when they were pulled over (when they found the heroin) how 8 bags is nothing, how they cannot prove the shoplifting charge and how the drug pharinilla (sp?) charge was bogus! I was like What the heck?    So I was glad when the judge mentioned how DD has been in two RTC's and our lawyer rebutted that she completed them, that the judge recounted how that may be so, but she has had three charges since coming out, how she's a flight risk and needs to stay at the shelter she is at, etc.  I was like thank you!  

So we wait until a bed opens at the program DD is to attend which could take a month.  Which DD is not happy about the fact she needs to wait as she wants to start her time and get it over with.  "Even if I have to go to a different program that doesn't help. I want to start my time now"! She screamed in the hallway... .

She also asked the lawyer if she could be given custody to CPS so that she can start transitional living.  Apparently she can at 18 if she's under my custody, but 17 (which she turns in September) if I don't have custody.  The lawyer never did answer that.

Again, I cannot believe we are back to square one.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update raytamtay3

Based on how you describe things, it seems the judge was very wise to not make any rash decisions without any evidence supporting your daughter's claims.

It also seems that the lawyer is primarily focused on getting her 'off the hook'. Since he is a lawyer, it perhaps make sense to look at it like that, but getting her 'off the hook' now might not be in your daughter's best interest in the long run.

Back at square one perhaps, but another way of looking at it is that the first steps have been taken to getting your daughter back on track.

Take care my yellow feathered friend

The Board Parrot aka The Big Blue Bird

[raytamtay3]

Hello Mr. Parrot. .  I know it's the lawyer's job to defend and win cases. And really, he's trying to get the charges dropped but also push for the program, so I guess I shouldn't be upset.  I think it's that by him saying that the charges are no big deal in front of DD is what makes me cringe because then she says," see, even the lawyer says it was no big deal mom".

I like your analogy.  Yes, another step to get DD back on track.  One last ditch effort really... .

Thank you.   

[C.Stein]

This thread has reached its post limit. The thread has been split and the new thread can be found here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294059.0

Thank you to all who have participated.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders