should I not fight and let her take temporary custody ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm on a tight budget and have advised my lawyer. 

I get conflicted at times because I am the sane one and her craziness is multiplied when they are around her.  It is so sad to see, and she butts into almost every private conversation I have with the kids.

Our schools have let out for the summer:  camps don't start until the following week.

One source said to put on mu own O2 mask first.  I moved into the basement three months ago and at least have some solace there.

I am trying to do projects/fun  things with the kids when I can.

Do I file and lay low?  I don't want to make nice--I have had too much pain.  But what about the  kids?

[gary seven]

I'm on a tight budget and have advised my lawyer. 

I get conflicted at times because I am the sane one and her craziness is multiplied when they are around her.  It is so sad to see, and she butts into almost every private conversation I have with the kids.

Our schools have let out for the summer:  camps don't start until the following week.

One source said to put on mu own O2 mask first.  I moved into the basement three months ago and at least have some solace there.

I am trying to do projects/fun  things with the kids when I can.

Do I file and lay low?  I don't want to make nice--I have had too much pain.  But what about the  kids?

[ForeverDad]

As a general rule you can't do much to reduce the odds of triggering a controlling pwBPD, at least not for long.  With that in mind, do what you think is the right thing to do for yourself and just as importantly your children.

For example, would your child or children be better with the other parent in charge, or you?  I think the answer is obvious.  So even if there's not much hope of court listening to you at first, you still need to speak up as often as appropriate so court doesn't assume you're like other dads who are willing to lurk in the background and will for mother to be in charge.  If you don't want her in charge of the children's lives then it's proper for you to let the court know your reasons to contest it.  They may not listen now but eventually when they get a better picture of her, they need to have it in the record that you've always been willing and asking to step forward.

That's what I faced when I separated.  I wanted temp custody.  I though it was a least possible since she had just been arrested for Threat of DV against me.  Turned out family court didn't give it any attention so far as I could tell.  I have since come to conclude family court gives much less weight to adult behaviors than parenting behaviors when dealing with parental issues.  My court asked one question, what are the work schedules.  I worked so I didn't have her 'history' of majority parenting.  She got temp custody even though the other court had blocked her from approaching the house for the next several months until that was resolved.

Then and until now I've always been prepared to state my case that I'm the more stable and reasonably normal parent.  It took years before the court fully recognized it, some 5 years to go from alternate weekend to full legal custody, but during all that time I never gave up presenting my perspective and solutions.

The easy way out is not to let things be done to you.  Yes, it may happen anyway, but you have an obligation to yourself to stand up for your children even if at first little attention is given to you and your position as a reasonable normal parent and the more stable parent.

Do you understand what I'm saying?  If you don't stand up when you can and the court largely ignores you, you'll kick yourself for a long time.  If you try to stand up and the court largely ignores you, you'll at least know within yourself that you did what you could.  Reminds me of a post I used to make years ago... .

Think of the example you would have given your children if you would have stayed and continued being the appeasing, blamed, doormat parent.  This example, standing up strong for what you felt was right, as seemingly insufficient as it appears now, is and will be important to the children, they will see a clear distinction between the parents and adult behaviors.  It you had done nothing it would have harmed the children in more basic ways.

As has been often stated here, we can't protect the children all the time.  Even courts don't step in unless the abuse or neglect is sufficiently substantive in their eyes, apparently they expect all children to have some tough spots in life while growing up and so don't try to avoid every bump in the road for them.  So what do we do?  We just do what we can.  Our children don't expect us to be Superman or Superwoman able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  Years from now if they ask, ":)ad/Mom, did you fight for me?", all they want to hear is, "Yes, I did, I did all I reasonably could."  For them, "reasonably" will be enough.

[sanemom]

The easy way out is not to let things be done to you.  Yes, it may happen anyway, but you have an obligation to yourself to stand up for your children even if at first little attention is given to you and your position as a reasonable normal parent and the more stable parent.

Do you understand what I'm saying?  If you don't stand up when you can and the court largely ignores you, you'll kick yourself for a long time.  If you try to stand up and the court largely ignores you, you'll at least know within yourself that you did what you could.  Reminds me of a post I used to make years ago... .

Think of the example you would have given your children if you would have stayed and continued being the appeasing, blamed, doormat parent.  This example, standing up strong for what you felt was right, as seemingly insufficient as it appears now, is and will be important to the children, they will see a clear distinction between the parents and adult behaviors.  It you had done nothing it would have harmed the children in more basic ways.

As has been often stated here, we can't protect the children all the time.  Even courts don't step in unless the abuse or neglect is sufficiently substantive in their eyes, apparently they expect all children to have some tough spots in life while growing up and so don't try to avoid every bump in the road for them.  So what do we do?  We just do what we can.  Our children don't expect us to be Superman or Superwoman able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  Years from now if they ask, ":)ad/Mom, did you fight for me?", all they want to hear is, "Yes, I did, I did all I reasonably could."  For them, "reasonably" will be enough.

This and a hundred times this.  One thing that we have gone back and forth about is clearly, when we go to court, we poke the bear more, and the kids are exposed more to the crazy.  And, in our case at least, the kids get mad at us for "suing poor mom," but at the end of the day, we need to be able to tell the kids that they were worth fighting for.

[gary seven]

FD:

I too don't have the recent history of majority parenting becuase I am the working parent.

Surprisingly she recently has posted in several of her groups she is ready for P/T work.

When she was more dysregulated, I did everything: cook, clean, take the kids to school, etc.

I guess it is time to photograph everything of value to me in the house, and start to off-load the smaller things into a safe place.

It will put me in a less desireable part of town (cheap rents).

I get the point that the kids can't see it now--but it woould be worse if in 8 or 9 years, when they are able to understand, that I tried to get it right.

I had no idea I married a monster, whose "dreams of a family" meant I was the husband and father and ran the house, "sort of," until she exerted her pressure on me.  She still can't run a household.  "It's a mess in here.so I will just do nothing.You can do it all"

What about the children who are complete repellant to her now --the boys--who don't listen to her and make her yell and scream?  It happened yesterday at dinner again.

I guess that is where the professionals weigh in?

The kids' T and my T have said they will not testify in court--they are afraid of her, too.

G7

[Panda39]

The only thing my SO regretted when he divorced is uBPDxw was leaving his children with her the majority of the time.  He initially saw them every other weekend and Wednesday evenings for dinner. 

This gave their mother all the time in the world to work her parental alienation campaign, to use her children as weapons against their father, use them as spies, drag him into court with false aligations of abuse and at the same time neglect them by keeping them out of school, not getting them the medical care they needed, had them living in filth and eventually put those kids through 3 evictions.

My SO had to fight twice as hard to win back the hearts and minds of his children and undo the damage.  So what you think might be easier in the beginning... .letting go of your kids to keep the peace in reality will make things doubly hard for you and them in the end.  You may also be inadvertently showing the court that having them live with their mother most of the time is acceptable to you by allowing it to happen.

I know it's hard, it's scary, and overwhelming to fight for your kids now but it will also be hard, scary, overwhelming and IMO more damaging if you wait.  Both choices are hard... .choose your hard.

Panda39

[whirlpoollife]

Document what you do as a parent.  Its difficult for us nons because we take care of kids and household as second nature and just do it. 

Who wakes the  kids for school, gets them washed and dressed, pack or pay for lunches. Who helps with homework.

Who makes and takes for medical  appts.  Who's with them in the night when they are sick? Who buys their clothes as they grow? 

You get the picture... .detail it.  Present it to your L to use at the custody hearing.

I lived in the living room last years of marriage ,  and lived together after filing. Xh was very power and control  and manipulating.  The PA started immediately , not only from xh but his entire family.  It was hell... .but what was my other option? 

If you give your x2b more time now with kids, then when the custody hearing starts, that will be the starting point to make YOU compromise , meaning you give up more time.

You are beaten down right now so being nice and giving her what she wants seems easiest , but as I have learned , giving in to the PD spouse doesn't make them stop. They didn't appreciate what we did for them in the past , they sure aren't going to now.

[gary seven]

Document what you do as a parent. ... .Present it to your L to use at the custody hearing.

... .You are beaten down right now so being nice and giving her what she wants seems easiest , but as I have learned , giving in to the PD spouse doesn't make them stop. They didn't appreciate what we did for them in the past , they sure aren't going to now.

The only thing my SO regretted when he divorced is uBPDxw was leaving his children with her the majority of the time.  He initially saw them every other weekend and Wednesday evenings for dinner... .You may also be inadvertently showing the court that having them live with their mother most of the time is acceptable to you by allowing it to happen... .I know it's hard, it's scary, and overwhelming to fight for your kids now but it will also be hard, scary, overwhelming and IMO more damaging if you wait.  Both choices are hard... .choose your hard.

Panda39

The psychological tolls on me and also the kids change more with her moods.  I have to climb this mountain, and take in the view of what lies ahead for me and them.  Thursday I meet with the L a third time.  I have been keeping a diary of the day-to-day-behaviors in a series of emails I send myself called Not to Forget.  I started in 2012 and just wrote #44 this morning after pretty much observing her inabilities to calm down .  I even called her on it. She stepped down a bit. A small victory, a small boundary, a small limit laid down.  For me deep inside it was a great way to end the holiday weekend.

[ForeverDad]

I guess that is where the professionals weigh in?

The kids' T and my T have said they will not testify in court--they are afraid of her, too.

Yes, many T's won't testify.  It can expose them to licensing complaints, however unfounded, to the state boards, etc.

But generally they will communicate with a Custody Evaluator.  (Most of our cases seem to require a Custody Evaluation, just make sure it is a qualified one.)

Panda makes a very good point here.  Even if your finances are limited, you can still stand up for your children.  And fathers often have an uphill struggle.  Don't make it be more uphill later by not using strategy and resources (such as here) now.

The only thing my SO regretted when he divorced is uBPDxw was leaving his children with her the majority of the time... .

This gave their mother all the time in the world to work her parental alienation campaign, to use her children as weapons against their father, use them as spies, drag him into court with false allegations of abuse and at the same time neglect them by keeping them out of school, not getting them the medical care they needed, had them living in filth and eventually put those kids through 3 evictions.

My SO had to fight twice as hard to win back the hearts and minds of his children and undo the damage.  So what you think might be easier in the beginning... .letting go of your kids to keep the peace in reality will make things doubly hard for you and them in the end.  You may also be inadvertently showing the court that having them live with their mother most of the time is acceptable to you by allowing it to happen.

I know it's hard, it's scary, and overwhelming to fight for your kids now but it will also be hard, scary, overwhelming and IMO more damaging if you wait.  Both choices are hard... .choose your hard.