had relationship when seperated from pwBPD.. What do I do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't really know how to pose this question as this is pretty difficult for me to discuss.  When my husband and I were seperated last year I ended up having a romantic physical and emotional relationship with a man that I've known since before I met my husband.  This kind of came out of nowhere, but for me- it was nice.  A nice escape from having to deal with my SO.  I don't have any guilt for what happened, but I'm stuck trying to decide if I should tell him or not.  Would it help make my decision to leave easier? I have this feeing in my gut that my SO would never forgive me and would ask for a divorce anyways.  But, because he is BPD- I feel like he might go off the deep end.  I don't know.  The same husband that told me after we had reconciled that he would have made my life hell had I of gone through with the divorce.  Has anyone else experienced this? Also for reference- I do not want the other man in my life if I did go brought with the divorce.  The divorce would be for me and my children- not for anything else.

[Punchdrunk]

I don't really know how to pose this question as this is pretty difficult for me to discuss.  When my husband and I were seperated last year I ended up having a romantic physical and emotional relationship with a man that I've known since before I met my husband.  This kind of came out of nowhere, but for me- it was nice.  A nice escape from having to deal with my SO.  I don't have any guilt for what happened, but I'm stuck trying to decide if I should tell him or not.  Would it help make my decision to leave easier? I have this feeing in my gut that my SO would never forgive me and would ask for a divorce anyways.  But, because he is BPD- I feel like he might go off the deep end.  I don't know.  The same husband that told me after we had reconciled that he would have made my life hell had I of gone through with the divorce.  Has anyone else experienced this? Also for reference- I do not want the other man in my life if I did go brought with the divorce.  The divorce would be for me and my children- not for anything else.

[Notwendy]

This is just me, but you don't feel guilt and are planning to leave your H, so what purpose would it serve to tell him. If you are telling him this info, in order to have an effect on him- to make him do something- then that could be considered manipulative. It could also backfire. He might dis regulate, get violent, or possibly use it against you in court. Some states consider adultery in divorces when it comes to child custody and technically, you were still legally married.

Even if you didn't want a divorce- this kind of information can have a major effect on the relationship.

I have not been in your situation. However personally, this is the kind of information I would consult a therapist about if I was even considering disclosing it. I would not be able to decide if it was the right thing to do, or if it was, how or when to say it.

Even without BPD, the emotional response to this can be huge, and hurtful. I would want to be as cautious as possible and so would want professional support and help with that. 

[Punchdrunk]

You're right, I'm not trying to be manipulative- I do love him- but as the father of my children- I'm no longer attracted to him and have lost trust with him after all of his rages over the years.  I think I was just pushed so far away and did not think that there was a chance we would reconcile.  I made a rash decision, and now emotionally I'm paying for it.  I am working with my therapist in hopes that I'll be able to find some sort of clarity in what to do.  Maybe there is a bit of guilt that I'm feeling.  He has never told me, but I do not think that he was with anyone else during our separation.  I do not want to hurt him- that's the last thing that I want to do, but it's eating at me now.  I guess I really just need to decide if I'm staying in this marriage or not.  I probably will not tell him, but it's definitely weighing heavy on my heart recently.  Thanks for chatting.

[Cat Familiar]

You were separated at the time and headed toward divorce. Given the trials and tribulations of putting up with a partner with BPD, it was probably a pleasant distraction and it gave you a different perspective.

Knowing how people with BPD deal with emotions, I don't think telling him would be a good idea. He may get over it for now, but then he will have ammunition against you in perpetuity. And frankly, if your relationship was so rocky you had separated and were heading toward divorce, I don't think it's any of his business. Pardon my bluntness, but if you didn't contract any STDs, then I would say you shouldn't tell him. But you know yourself best.

[Notwendy]

I have a couple of friends whose marriage recovered from infidelity on the part of one spouse.  I don't know all the details but I do know that it took a great deal of work and counseling for both parties- to bring the marriage to a point of recovery. Both sides had to look inward at themselves in the process and take accountability for their own part in this. This is not to blame the "victim" but to discard that black and white vision and each take responsibility for the repair work.

With BPD there is black and white thinking, victim/bad guy thinking. IMHO, being cheated on would promote the victim mode, being blameless for any relationship issues and cast the cheating person into role of bad guy- responsible for everything. I think, and I am not an expert on this that even with apology for cheating - that bad guy/victim role would, be pervasive since it is a frequent theme as it is and this could hinder steps towards repair.

I think if you wish to repair the relationship, that work done individually with a T to look at the marriage and your actions- the underlying emotional needs that you wanted to have met and if you could get them in your marriage would be more useful to deal with your feelings about this than involving your H at the moment. There may be a time to tell him, or not, but counseling and support could help you decide this.

[Herodias]

Sorry, but to me, unless you are divorced it is cheating if you have an intimate relationship with someone else. You can "date" which means going out with... , that is it. I would not tell him because you will get yourself into trouble in court if you end up there.  Maybe you had a chance to see what it would be like with someone else and make your decision. Your partner with BPD will not change without help... If he is doing that, then great. Do not tell him out of guilt from your own conscience what happened. How would you feel if he did the same? Work that out on your own.

[Punchdrunk]

Thanks guys... .I'm hoping that working with my therapist will help ease me.  You have all given me a lot to think about for sure.  But one thing I did think about was how I would feel if I were in his shoes.  I honesty can't think that I would be mad, because we both knew that we were separated and were not pursuing working on anything together.  Also he isn't seeking help, that's the reason I started seeing a T in the first place

[Notwendy]

But one thing I did think about was how I would feel if I were in his shoes.  I honesty can't think that I would be mad, because we both knew that we were separated and were not pursuing working on anything together.

I think this is a common error- putting ourselves in their shoes and assuming they would act like we would in that situation. You are assuming that although he may feel hurt, he would consider all the aspects of the situation- that he would put himself in your shoes too and have empathy for you.

This is one reason that there are issues in the first place. People with BPD don't react the same way to feelings. BPD is a disorder of modulating emotions. In the moment, the feeling becomes fact.

One example of this is that my H looked in my school yearbook and saw a picture of a guy I crushed on. YEARS before I met my H. Now, in any rational mind there is no possible way this is cheating. I had not met my H yet! It also was just a crush. I didn't date the guy and didn't sleep with him. Yet in that moment, my H felt very hurt that I had feelings for someone and accused me of betraying him.

I know that I would handle things differently than my H would if faced with this situation and we are two different people. Although some my friends were able to repair their marriages, others were not. I don't think we would be able to. People do not react to this the same way.  This is why I think something like this could benefit from a therapist's guidance.

[Notwendy]

There was a poster here a while back who had an open relationship with her boyfriend, I think, maybe a husband. He seemed OK with it in theory. However, when she went on a date, his reaction was extreme. The rational idea ( to him)  and the emotions were two different things for him.

Although you were separated, it takes a while to get over someone and not feel hurt when they are with someone else. This can feel hurtful even if legally divorced. I just think that in the moment, when he feels that hurt, no part of him would be thinking rationally. He would not be able to "put himself in your shoes".

I don't know if telling him is the right thing or not. I just think this is something to get expert help with as the reaction isn't predictable.

[Cat Familiar]

But one thing I did think about was how I would feel if I were in his shoes.  I honesty can't think that I would be mad, because we both knew that we were separated and were not pursuing working on anything together.

I think this is a common error- putting ourselves in their shoes and assuming they would act like we would in that situation. You are assuming that although he may feel hurt, he would consider all the aspects of the situation- that he would put himself in your shoes too and have empathy for you.

This is one reason that there are issues in the first place. People with BPD don't react the same way to feelings. BPD is a disorder of modulating emotions. In the moment, the feeling becomes fact.

This is one of my biggest challenges in living with a pwBPD. I still frequently assume that he will act like a normal person. Even though my husband is high functioning, he has bizarre reactions to things that would never occur to me. For example, he complained about how heavy his luggage is and how easy it is to get close to the weight limit when he flies. So I buy him new luggage and he has a meltdown. How could one even guess some of their odd behavior? And this is about trivia.

I would be cautious about disclosing your experience during your separation. Tread very carefully... .

[hergestridge]

Are you considering his feelings? It is most likely the information will hurt him. Whether you were "in the right" due to separation or pending divorce is not relevant to how it will make him feel. This will make him imagine you being intimate with someone else, and someone he knows to boot. If he has the slightest affection left for you, this will be traumatic.

How would a non-BPD person react to his partner having an affair during some kind of trial separation? Speculating in how that person will take this is difficult. I can only tell that for me as a "non" I would find it extremely triggering.

[Cat Familiar]

I second hergestridge on this. If my husband and I were to separate and he had a fling, I would definitely not want to know about it.

My ex-husband couldn't keep it in his pants. Afterwards he often confessed and then I had that imagery in my head forever. Somethings are better not known.

As I typed this, I felt triggered somewhat even though I've been divorced for years and am remarried. You just don't forget these things. I can remember the faces of dozens of women he slept with, even though my memory for other details from those years is not very sharp.

[Punchdrunk]

Thanks hergestredge and cat familiar.  That helps. A lot. I'm also so sorry for what you went through cat familiar.  When it's put like that for some reason I can feel it and I don't like it.  I really do appreciate everyone for responding to my post even though the conversation is tough.