A difficult conversation has to happen but...

[Hebrews12]

My adult step-daughter has exhibited BPD traits since her mid-teens, and the roller coaster ride hasn't stopped even though she is now in her late 30's.

(BTW: I am an child of alcoholic parents, have been diagnosed with PTSD.  I struggled to overcome people-pleasing behavior and have had to learn how to actively assert and maintain boundaries with particular personalities -not everyone -just some.  I have many healthy long-term relationships, but my relationship with my step-daughter is not one of them.)

About 9 years ago, after a traumatic and explosive, and "out-of-the-blue" confrontation, she left our town with her husband and kids and returned to her hometown to live close to her mother. 

I swore I was done with the relationship at that time. My husband and I attended couples counseling after that particular episode, and began the long process of setting and maintaining boundaries as a united front. 

I thought we were doing a good job.  We worked through some of the bigger problems with our daughter over the course of several years, and it had started to feel like maybe, just maybe we were enjoying the fruit of that labor.  She visited us with the kids and with her husband over the next few years, but we did not go see her, even though where she lives is my husbands home town.  He does not like going back there since his parents died.  And to be honest, even when they were alive, we didn't go back very often.  It's a depressed, dead end place that doesn't hold a lot of appeal to us.

Our daughter's cycle has been escalating the last year and half.  Signs we know to watch for are present.  Easily agitated, flashes of irritation that require visible concentration to suppress, quick to take offense, comments on the unfairness of life, grandiose thinking and taking on more than she can handle, stressing over what others might call small road bumps, hurt feelings, a number of comments to indicate how we have/are failing to "support" her, and many other signs that when taken individually might be written off to a bad hair day.

At the beginning of the year, she announced that she and her husband were intending to foster adopt two more children.  They have 3 born to them ranging from 14 to 9, and they foster adopted a baby who is now two.  The girls they intend to foster adopt live here, in our town.  This will be a cross-state adoption process.  A couple of months ago she flew out in a whirlwind of a weekend with no notice, stayed the night at our place, picked up the girls and flew back to her town.  At that time, I spoke with her about wisdom of such a plan.  How so many things could go wrong, and tried to share my concerns with her about her taking on too much, and how the children might suffer.  While the conversation went well in that no blood or tears were spilled, I knew she had dismissed my concerns and had not heard my cautionary words that her father and I were not going to be able to "help" her with this added burden she was taking on.  Not financially, and possibly not in the way she would need emotionally. 

A month ago, she sent a message to my husband saying "We are coming out next week."  Then a couple of days later, said she was bringing all 4 kids, and needed to stay at our place, and did we possibly have a car that would transport all of them (she knows we don't). 

I work nights and a non-traditional work week.  My husband also works a non-traditional work week.  Our house can not easily accommodate that many people.  It was a stressful chaotic week for her.  There were miscommunicated appointments between her and the current foster parent, 2 sick kids, 6 stressed out kids, and one freaked out dog.  It was horrific.  When we finally got the chance to talk to her the night before they were leaving (poor timing on our part for sure) we tried to express our concern about our observations of the week.  She came unglued (at me, not her father who started the conversation and did most of the talking) and raged though not as bad as she used to (no purple face and throbbing veins), and retreated downstairs to pack.  She left the next morning with hugs and in denial that she was angry.

After a week or so, I sent her a message saying that we needed to mend fences and perhaps we could schedule a skype session.  She gave a one word response, "Okay." and then silence.  I began to have second thoughts on the wisdom of that approach and dropped the ball by not communicating this to her.    Mother's Day came and went with only a "Happy Mother's Day M" to me over facebook.  Then a few days ago she began randomly posting on my facebook wall (something she has never done before).  And my comment to one of her's, started an avalanche that I am now buried under. 

We have rescheduled the skype session after attempts to communicate by email failed in a blaze of accusations from both sides.  I have a taken time out and reduced my communications to the absolute bare minimum.  I have tried to see this from multiple points of view, but this evening during a break at work, I reread the emails and realized I just don't want to do this anymore. I think my husband feels the same.  We had talked earlier in the evening and reviewed the work we have been through all ready, and what it will take moving forward.  I don't have it in me to work on this relationship for 2 or 3 years to get it back to a stable place, only to find out after another 4 years that we have utterly failed her, have never made her a priority in our lives, and have never treated her like we do her brothers (the two boys my husband and I had together). 

Her latest email said she wants to work on this relationship because she and her husband are moving back to our town so that he can pursue a more fruitful career and she doesn't want things to stand like they are right now.  The email posted the day before wanted us out of her life, good riddance.  The idea of living in the same town as her again makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I am reading everything on this site that I can.  I am looking at our past efforts and what we need to change when we go into this skype conversation, and frankly I don't think we have the skills or the prep time to handle it successfully.  I am fighting the urge to curl up in a fetal position. 

Do you have any suggestions for navigating the skype conversation? I know that we need to focus just on this last event (the trip out here with the kids) and I am willing to not worry about the email accusations at this point although they will really need to be addressed at some point. 

I am at my wits end and I know she is too but unable to admit it to herself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Hebrews12,

Welcome to the Family, glad that you are here looking for ways to cope with your step daughter, her family unit, and the stressors you experience.

Has your stepdaughter ever been in long term therapy and if so do you know what kind of therapy she had?  Knowing what which coping skills she has been exposed to and modeling them with intention can help both of you and the relationship.

If I am properly understanding, your stepd has already taken in these 2 new foster children and the decision is a done deal... .?  If this is correct, there is no point in even discussing with her whether or not it is wise to take on 2 new foster children, right?  So the immediate issue is how to get some resolution regarding the last visit she made to your home and the issues that arose.  

There is much to learn here on the site and it seems time is of the essence.  My best advice would be to learn about validation.  This is a highly effective communication skill that can have multiple benefits for your relationship with your stepd.  Learning how to ask validating questions can also help you be supportive without fixing, help her see what is her responsibility rather than putting them on you, and give you and her dad a sense of relief because you have a plan (now and in the future) for what to say and how to say it.

It will take some time to master validation and putting it into practice right away is the first step towards mastering this skill.

Does this sound like something you want to look into and learn now?  If so, here are the links:

Careful, don't be invalidating

Are you making things worse?  Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got? That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right.   Learn more.    

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Before you can make things better - you must stop making them worse

We often find ourselves caught in a cycle of conflict with our BPD loved one. Little good can happen when we are in this conflict dynamic.  This communication tool, "S.E.T.", was conceived by Jerold Kreissmen, MD. We've coupled it with Dialectical Behavior Therapy tools conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.  It works.

Video: bpdfamily.org/reduce-conflict.html

Advanced video: bpdfamily.org/validation-peace.html

Pamphlet:  bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf

Workshop: bpdfamily.com/message_board/topic=81610

Tips and Traps for Parents: bpdfamily.com/message_board/topic=191788

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

If you have any questions about validation just ask, that's why we are here, to learn together and support one another through the process.

lbj

[Gorges]

I just read the book that is recommended on this website  "loving someone with borderline personality disorder".  There were good tips on validating and setting boundaries, taking a break from the relationship but really trying not to end it.  I think it would apply to your relationship.  I hope this helps. You sound like a great mom with how much you have tried.

[Hebrews12]

Thank you Gorges and lbjnltx for your feedback.  I will investigate your sources. 

I don't know where she is in the adoption process. And I agree confronting that issue is moot, even though our concerns for all the kids involved are genuine and deep.

I will look into the validation technique. 

I don't know that she has had any counseling outside of the little bit of pre-marriage christian counseling she had to do before their wedding.  I know both her mother and half-sister on her mom's side have bi-polar personalities and they both take meds but I've never heard a word about counseling.  As far as coping skills, I think her involvement with the church has helped her in some ways and hindered her in others.  "Forgiveness" has become an excuse to not address problems.  She prefers to "go to God" with her pain and anger (which is good -I am ok with that) but then she simply "forgives us" for our "failures" or "trespasses" against her.  If she was truly forgiving anything, I wouldn't be here writing on this board.  If she were really ok, letting go and letting God, then that would be wonderful for her.  But she is not.  It is a paper facade and it goes up in flames and then burns everything around her. 

I think she might be on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med, but the mania/depression cycle is still there.  Not sure if it is really helping her. 

I will look at the resources given here and let you know how the conversation goes.  I am glad this forum is here.  My husband and I can't do this alone again.

Thanks.

[Mother-in-law]

Dear Hebrews 12,

I will be praying for you.

I have a daughter in law with this illness.

Learning how to validate is a wonderful first step.

And, validation doesn't mean you have to agree with her choices or

agree with what she does/says!

If you could buy the book:  When Hope Is Not Enough by Bonn Dobbs (It's not cheap, I think I paid $18 on amazon for it... .) it will be REALLY helpful.  When you get the book, read page 105.  There's a great passage there with wording on how to validate someone.  I post these phrases on my fridge so I can begin to learn a new way to

communicate.

Jesus can and does heal people, but often he uses other people to do the healing.

We have hope!

[lbjnltx]

There is a great book that is all about validation:


I Don't Have to make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg

I call it my validation bible.  If you look through the book review link above you will see that it has chapters to cover every possible relationship dynamic with validating phrases and the link to "Asking Validating Questions" I provided in my previous post to you are from this book.

You can get one used online for a few bucks.

lbj

[Hebrews12]

I have watched the Dr. F's video on validation and that helped me to understand what is meant by that term.  It sounds like a lot of work, but necessary.  The stress study he talked about using math problems, really hit home for me.  I am terrible at math and just thinking about it elevates my stress.  I tried to imagine/compare my daughter's struggle with expressing herself and her needs/feelings with my complete incompetence in math.  It helped me understand how frustrated she must feel and how there is no easy fix.  I have tried to learn math _as an adult - and I can't make the connections.  If she is facing the say inability, then -wow. 

I've also just purchased the "I Dont Have to Make Everything Better" book and will begin reading that.

I am holding off on making any decisions about whether I want to continue my relationship with my daughter or not.  I know how harsh that sounds.  But I've been asking myself, "what do I get out of this relationship?"  "What are my obligations here -she is a grown woman, not a child."  ":)o I even "like" her?" 

But then I think about my sons and how it might make them feel to see me "abandon" or "disown" one of my kids and I just freeze up. 

So, the big skype conversation is set to happen on the 26th.  I am going to do my best to stay aware of validating responses and calm body language, and see how things go. 

I am trying not to think to far into the future. When I think about her living in the same town/state as us, my stress levels go up.  So, for now it is just focus getting through this one conversation without making huge promises or committing myself to something that I can't follow through on. 

[lbjnltx]

"I will give that some thought" is one of my go to phrases when I need time to process or think through the answer to a request.