Gas lighting through triangulation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I realize now that I am being gaslighted by him through his lawyer! I was trying to tell my friend about all that is going on with the divorce. Suddenly I realized it is really confusing! He doesn't want me to file adultery on him and wants to say we have been separated and have not lived together or tried to reconcile in July/August as we did. I tried to explain to the lawyer that he needs it worded that we had marital relations which means reconciliation. In his mind we are saying we tried to reconcile and he doesn't  see it that way. I told her if his lawyer flat out asked if we had sex... .he might say yes. My friend asked if we can still get divorced. I said yes, as long as it's adultery. If we waited for another year to be up, it would be August, but if we went on his story we could get divorced on the court date next week and lie and say it has been a year in April.  She said it will still be adultery since he had the woman in my bed on xmas before we separated. I said I forgave it by having sex with him in July, she said it was still adultery in Dec. if he said we did not have sex in July. I said he wants to say we separated a year in April... .He is trying to say he didn't start dating this gf until we separated in April. I said no, they saw each other years ago and they both had pink eye together that Feb... .UUUGGHHH! Then there is the stalker! Who knows when all of that went on!  The point is; this is the life with a person with BPD! It makes no sense and it totally makes sense and it's really complicated! It's exhausting! This is what I have been dealing with all day! What affair happened when and who with and which time! Ridiculous! This has got to be a form of gas lighting- total confusion!

[Herodias]

I realize now that I am being gaslighted by him through his lawyer! I was trying to tell my friend about all that is going on with the divorce. Suddenly I realized it is really confusing! He doesn't want me to file adultery on him and wants to say we have been separated and have not lived together or tried to reconcile in July/August as we did. I tried to explain to the lawyer that he needs it worded that we had marital relations which means reconciliation. In his mind we are saying we tried to reconcile and he doesn't  see it that way. I told her if his lawyer flat out asked if we had sex... .he might say yes. My friend asked if we can still get divorced. I said yes, as long as it's adultery. If we waited for another year to be up, it would be August, but if we went on his story we could get divorced on the court date next week and lie and say it has been a year in April.  She said it will still be adultery since he had the woman in my bed on xmas before we separated. I said I forgave it by having sex with him in July, she said it was still adultery in Dec. if he said we did not have sex in July. I said he wants to say we separated a year in April... .He is trying to say he didn't start dating this gf until we separated in April. I said no, they saw each other years ago and they both had pink eye together that Feb... .UUUGGHHH! Then there is the stalker! Who knows when all of that went on!  The point is; this is the life with a person with BPD! It makes no sense and it totally makes sense and it's really complicated! It's exhausting! This is what I have been dealing with all day! What affair happened when and who with and which time! Ridiculous! This has got to be a form of gas lighting- total confusion!

[C.Stein]

He doesn't want me to file adultery on him and wants to say we have been separated and have not lived together or tried to reconcile in July/August as we did. I tried to explain to the lawyer that he needs it worded that we had marital relations which means reconciliation. In his mind we are saying we tried to reconcile and he doesn't  see it that way. I told her if his lawyer flat out asked if we had sex... .he might say yes. My friend asked if we can still get divorced. I said yes, as long as it's adultery.

How does having sex = reconciliation?  Is that how your state legally sees it?

Why does the divorce have to be on the grounds of adultery? 

[Herodias]

Yes, in this state if you spend the night together you cannot get divorced for another year separation... It is considered trying to reconcile. Besides he told me he wanted to come home to his wife and he was done womanizing. Also, he is the one who didn't want adultery, then did want adultery because you can get divorced in 3 months instead of 12, now he is back to not wanting adultery because it is a fault based state. I want it to be adultery because it is the truth and because I don't think I should have to pay for a divorce that I didn't cause. There has to be some kind of responsibility here... .finally. We still won't know how the judge will handle it until the date in court. If it is not adultery we cannot get divorced until August. I just want this over with. I am ready to take my maiden name back and move on.

[C.Stein]

Yes, in this state if you spend the night together you cannot get divorced for another year separation... It is considered trying to reconcile. Besides he told me he wanted to come home to his wife and he was done womanizing. Also, he is the one who didn't want adultery, then did want adultery because you can get divorced in 3 months instead of 12, now he is back to not wanting adultery because it is a fault based state. I want it to be adultery because it is the truth and because I don't think I should have to pay for a divorce that I didn't cause. There has to be some kind of responsibility here... .finally. We still won't know how the judge will handle it until the date in court. If it is not adultery we cannot get divorced until August. I just want this over with. I am ready to take my maiden name back and move on.

Gotcha.  Seems the quickest way to achieve what I highlighted is to get the divorce finalized as quickly as possible, even if that means accepting terms you are not happy with.

[Herodias]

After talking to my lawyer, he is making this even more difficult. Now he doesn't want to pay for anything and wants to ask the court to extend the divorce until after August! I am so disgusted with everything happening. I feel like it doesn't pay to be honest at all! He is even trying to say I am dating which I am not! I suppose he has to prove it. He thinks I am living with my parents too- ridiculous! He is making my life miserable and he is not even in it! I have offered to pay half, but I cannot afford all of this... .I was told to just go to court and bring up all of the abuse, manipulation and his drinking and adultery and hope the judge will have mercy on me and let me get a divorce  next week and hopefully I will not have to pay the whole thing myself... .This is awful! I hate him more and more... .: (

[ForeverDad]

Beware of trading away any leverage you may have.  It's clear by now that you can't make a deal with him, he will try to use it against you.  Or wriggle out of it and try to keep you obligated anyway.

So it's not a bad idea at all to present it all to the judge and let the judge decide, quite likely it will be "less unfair" than any deal you'd end up from your spouse.