Charming Man vs Witch Woman

[WendyDavid]

When my husband and I agreed to divorce, I thought we were of the understanding that it would be a quiet separation.  I promised not to bring up his mental illness to others when they asked about the divorce.  I would not talk about the harmful things he did and he would talk respectfully of me to others or not say anything at all.

We are not even finished with our divorce and there have been several instances of his bad-mouthing me.  My BPD husband is a charmer and a stand up person in our community.  His outside persona is so nice and understanding.  I've always been a person that is honest about my feelings.  Often times my image is "works a lot" and "manages everything".

So he is getting to our mutual friends and neighbors before me.  He is admitting to having some emotional problems that will get better after our divorce.  He makes it sound like he is a good man that can't deal with my abuse and my mental illness.  He says that he has been hiding my horrible behavior from the world.  He admits to making a mistake and having an affair.  He tells people that two years from the divorce, with therapy and medication, he'll be OK again and he hopes that I stick to my therapy and have a good life. 

Now I have people that I've known and trusted either avoiding me or asking me questions in order to confirm his story.  Most of these people are his family and some people he talks to more than I do.  I know all these people will be out of my life soon, but I feel victimized.  I know I can't leave my situation for a few more months and everyday I feel like my pain is his joke.  If I say that he is the one with mental illness, that his affair was actually his victimization of a mentally ill woman, that he has gone to lengths to sabotage my job, my community standing, and my relationships with my family, it sounds like too much to believe about this charming man.  His story sounds normal -- he's a good guy with a wife that works too much and is overreacting to being cheated on.  My story is too strange -- she's a woman who doesn't talk to us that much telling us that our nice friend/family member is doing destructive, illegal and immoral things.

Any advice on how I can deal with my day-to-day?  Has this happened to you, and what did you do?  The friends I have that are only mine are not local and I often have to wait a long time to talk to them.  The people my husband has told his sob story to and come into contact with me are more frequent.  I'm getting more isolated  as time goes on.  I know there is a light at the end of this, but how do I manage until then?

[khibomsis]

WD, it is a hard situation to be in. The BPD people I know do not respect promises, once you are devalued they feel entitled to treat you badly. It is especially difficult because it rocks our trust in other people, we question if we ever really knew them when they can believe such things about us. Before you know it you are on the defensive, trying to 'prove' you are not that person. And then BPD is renting space in your brain.
I am going through the same thing with my many years BPD ex, we reconnected recently in a work situation and now she is going all over basically re-writing the history of our relationship.  It seems I have become the focus of her projections of shame and this is a way for her to deal with those feelings.
It may be hard, especially going through a divorce and all, but I would advise you to ignore it. When friends come to tell me what was being said I said "tell her if she has anything to say about me to come say it to my face". This re-focuses attention on the BPD behaviour instead of my character. As for the rest I know that the truth will come to light eventually, my ex like many BPD people has a history of unstable work relationships so it is merely a matter of time. Is it possible for you to use your mental energy on rebuilding your life instead of getting sucked in? Here are some tips which might help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
We are here for you when you need friends who understand what you are going through.    , Khib

[WendyDavid]

When friends come to tell me what was being said I said "tell her if she has anything to say about me to come say it to my face". This re-focuses attention on the BPD behaviour instead of my character.

That's a pretty good idea, Khib.  I should stick with letting them know that they will see the truth, one day.  Also, thanks for the link.  I shared this theory with my husband and he is taking the day away from me to think.  I don't think he really understood it, but he says he wants to talk about it tonight.

I'm still learning how to deal with this.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life.  I've never been so hated by anyone before and I love him so much.  I also have neighbors and others that avoid me now.  I just feel like I want to right this wrong, but I know I have to let go.  If time will heal, then I want to get in a time machine. 

Its getting hard to get out of bed everyday one each day is a repeat of the last.  I'll be back here to learn from others who overcame or are currently trying to overcome these same feelings of isolation and injustice.

[khibomsis]

WD, borderline is a terrible terrible thing. Does your husband have a formal diagnosis, or how did you find your way to this site? It is an amazing place which has saved many of us, myself included, from falling off the edge. Unless people have lived through it it is really hard to explain. That is why this board is so special. We all have been where you are.

Today I tried to think of my ex with charity, she can be an amazing person to those who do not trigger her stuff.  It is a disease, that is all.
Are you going through the lessons to the right, here? They are very helpful as one tries to make sense of things. There is also the Family Law and Divorce board which you might find helpful.
Do try and get out, even if just for a walk! Take extra care of what you eat, and if possible try to practice something that frees your mind for a while. I gardened, but many here practice yoga or some form of sport. Even listening to music can be helpful, anything as long as it stops you from brooding. Don't worry. We've got your back.  , Khib

[WendyDavid]

Thanks for the advice, Khib

My husband was diagnosed, this summer.  It was decided to get him evaluated when I told his aunt that he had been creating a secret army against me.  He already had at least a dozen people that didn't even know me thinking that I was some husband-abuser.  She asked why he would do that and I had to tell her that his response when I asked him the same thing was "it made me feel good".  She immediately said he was mentally ill and she suspected it for years.

However, she is the only one in the family that thinks he is ill.  The rest of the family thinks he is just going through a rough patch -- even when they read the diagnosis.  His father thinks that mental health professionals are not real doctors and the rest of the family falls in line behind his controlling father.

I found this site because my therapist suggested I go to Alanon due to no local "family-of-pwBPD" support groups on our area.  But I didn't really fit in.  So I searched until I found this site.

One of the hard things about socializing without my husband is that we were always together and its like we are in a small town.  I can't see anyone without somebody asking me about him.  I just don't have it in me to reveal his problems to others, even if I know he would do it to me.

Thanks for the advice on how to mentally escape.  When thoughts pull me back to this reality, I like reading this site.  However, I'm not totally mentally prepared to learn about BPD, though I have learned a lot.  Its just that everything I read sounds so much like he is doomed to his horrible feelings forever.  I'm grieving the loss of the husband I thought I had.  And I'm living with the monster that killed him.  I hope that I will get the emotional fortitude to keep learning and get myself stronger.

[maddy786]

Wendy
Its a bad situation you are in but persons with BPD act in this way only... .thats a bit strange but its the truth because they are emotionally stunted within and have no empathy towards other feelings. In my case my BPDGF told me she had cancer and i paid for her treatment. We were living 1000 miles apart and inturn had to work weekends to pay her bills. For 3 years i paid and at the end i found out she had no cancer in first place and was cheating on me since 3 years. Her reasoning, why to tell me she has cancer so that i would be busy and not disturb her ! After the breakup she bad mouthed me among my friends, relatives so much that everyone thought that i was mentally ill and sick of some disorder. My own mother doubted me. She even accused me of having an affair, but when i bring up her fake cancer she cut me off in a minute.

Its sad on our part but you have to be strong and let it go. You cannot fix nor cure them. Hold onto your strength until you get divorced legally and start working on to getting your life back.

[khibomsis]

Dear WD, what you are going through sounds absolutely awful. 18 years is a long time. Has it only been since the summer that your husband has been acting strangely? Or has it been for a period of years?
I totally get the grief that you are going through. You express it so well, losing the one you love and being forced to deal with the person who replaced them. It is funny, when I think of my uBPD ex  in the early years, she was a different person. I can actually pinpoint the year things started to change. The person she is today is not somebody I would want to be with. And yet I am sometimes still quite taken aback at how badly she behaves. It is a hard thing. Grief will take the time it takes. It is worse in a way because so often only their intimates get to see that side of them. Very isolating.
I am so glad you have a therapist to support you through this! If we advise you to work towards acceptance it is only because we've been there and come out the other side. With every respect for your necessary grieving,  until we accept the reality of the disease it is impossible to move on. Your husband will only come right if he really wants to, at his pace, in his way. If he accepts the diagnosis and is under treatment than that is huge progress, so many never get that far. That his FOO refuses to accept it does not surprise me, sometimes it happens that the disease is in fact rooted in the very family, so they are committed to denial. But where you are now is not a place anybody would want to be stuck in.You cannot allow your mental health to be determined by your husbands. You will get through this.  , Khib

[WendyDavid]

Thank you for the advice and understanding.

Since my last post, I've talked to my husband a couple of times about using my (not-so-good) friend to get together and bash me.  He agreed each time that my former friend was a troublesome person to have in his life, that she wasn't going to treat him better, that she was full of anger and hate and he didn't need that in his life... .but he still wanted to have the option to talk to her again.  Last night, he finally deleted her number from his phone because he believes that such a person in his life is harmful, but we both know that he won't learn from his mistakes... .I feel like a traitor for letting him go so that he can succumb to his illness. 

You asked if he has only been acting strangely this summer.  No, he has always had a way of explaining his odd or hurtful behaviors.  He always wanted me to think he was a good guy.  In 2011, we started talking about having a baby.  He always said he wanted children.  I didn't know he was having a huge secret emotional problem about having children.  So I kept trying to have the conversation.  He kept himself too busy.  I started hearing contradictions, he always had excuses... .anyway, as the years went on, the holes in his stories were getting bigger.  After my cancer, I decided to go head-on as to why he sounded like he was lying, why he was so mean to me when he found out I was sick, etc.  As I pushed for the truth to come out, the crazier he sounded.  I called up his aunt, who works with mentally ill clients, and she said she always knew he was sick.  It took the doctor's diagnosis of him for me to see how bad it really was.  After that, he doesn't hide his illness from me anymore.

I see the writing on the wall.  I have a pretty good idea of what he will do when I'm gone.  So I'm working on me.  In the meanwhile, I've done some hiking, art, listened to music, watched TED Talks.  All these things help when he is not around.

I'm actually acting worse around my husband.  As I detach, I'm not as sensitive to his needs and act out on my own feelings.  Of course, my feelings are too much for him and he attacks me.  I'm a bit afraid that things are going to get worse while I have to live with him each day.

Since I'm at a loss, I appreciate all advice.

[khibomsis]

Dear WD, what you have been through sounds absolutely horrendous. Indeed it is the case that BPD people are not there for us when we need them most, they can be the most caring person imaginable but also the most destructive, all depending on where they are in the push/pull cycle. All the same, it will not help you to get sucked into his moods. It is great that you are keeping yourself busy and exercising. I would suggest have a look at the 'staying' board, there are many threads there about how to live with a BPD person while avoiding conflict. Sounds strange I know, but the more you can avoid conflict the more energy you will have to spend on healing from your very tough situation. How long before you are able to get your own place?  , Khib

[WendyDavid]

Hi Khib

The divorce should be final at the end of this month.  I hope he doesn't have something up his sleeve.  He is acting very different (nice and respectful), lately.  Our house could be sold in a month.  I'm looking at spending holidays finally alone.  But I see it more like peace than loneliness.

Thanks for the advice about the staying board.  They give good advice on how I should behave to change our relationship dynamics.  I have a lot of difficulty changing the way I talk to him because I have a hard time thinking of him as mentally ill.  I feel like I'm being disrespectful treating him like an invalid.  Logically I know that it is disrespectful to ignore the illness.  I live by "treat others as you want to be treated" and imagining myself in his shoes is really depressing.

I think his family is starting to calm down when they talk to me.  I'm still struggling with our friends.  I have a lot of people who are concerned about us and want to know what is going on/why my husband is doing things without me.  I feel bad shutting people out who I've been so open to before.  But I'm learning from others in the forum that I might have to keep enduring this until time allows things to subside.

Thank you all for helping and sharing.  I feel like I'm far from being emotionally better, but knowing that other people go through this is a little comforting.