I'm starting to think I have BPD

[Venny]

Hello all... .

I went through the gauntlet for five years with my recent ex who has now dissapeared. I am having a very hard time and I feel worthless. I don't want to do anything and I cry alot. It has been 2 months and I know I need to go NC but I can't stop myself. She never replies. She did once saying goodbye she will always love me and never forget me. That prompted many return emails from me that were ignored. I have been through all the stages of a BPD relationship many times. She has lied an insane amount. Basically every symptom has happened. But now as I lament and try to live I'm starting to think that I am BPD. Because of all the abuse in the end it was me who was jealous and yelled and was abusive. It was me who would push pull.  I kicked her out but really didn't want to. Help me I feel like I am going insane. Been to therapy and doesn't seem to help. I seem to be getting worse and worse. My friends and family are sick of hearing it and basically think I'm over reacting and I need to just get over it and move on. I don't know how. I wake up almost every morning with this feeling of dread. Having my opinions disregarded as well as my feelings for so long has shook me to the core. I should hate her but I don't.  I feel that I have needed her to validate me or that's how it became and now I'm left with just me... .___ty ___ed up me. Talk about fear of abandonment. I think that's why I never let her leave... .so maybe I am BPD but I certainly suck at the disengagement part. I am like obsessed it seems. Nothing else excites me I don't care about anything and had to take a leave from work. And I blame her for it all but in reality I wasn't happy before really. When I met her it was magic. I gave her all of me and shared my deepest feelings and she loved it. Now she is just gone. I fear I am forever changed and I will never find that again. I realize I guess that isn't love it's infatuation but jesus if that's not love then I don't know what is. The realization that she may have never really loved me kills me. The most ___ed up part is I know that if somehow she came back first of all everyone I know would thunk I was insane and secondly i wouldn't be able to forgive her for the pain. Inevitably I would ask her she'd shut down I would get mad and yell ect and the cycle starts again. ___

[GreenEyedMonster]

You probably have abandonment trauma.  That doesn't necessarily translate to BPD.   People on here will talk about catching "fleas."  That is when your exBPD abandons you, and you then go into your next situation, or back with them, with your own load of trauma, possibly resembling (or actually being) PTSD.

All of us want to believe that our attachments are secure when they appear that way on the outside.  Individuals with BPD teach us that things can change in a moment, over something tiny.  We lose our sense of control and security in life.  That leads to anxiety and a lot of the symptoms you describe.  Be patient with yourself as you recover and your brain chemistry levels out.  If you go into therapy again, consider choosing a therapist who has knowledge of treating trauma.  In the meantime, fill your calendar with things and people that you enjoy so that you have a series of small, secure things to look forward to.  This will help your brain recover.

I have massive abandonment fears, too.  I don't know if I'm disordered or just traumatized because I had my first encounter with the idealize-devalue-discard cycle at 12, and another at 15.  It wasn't part of my childhood experience, but it happened early enough in my adolescence to make a really big impact on me.  I have a hard time remembering myself before that.  You need to be vigilant and monitor your own emotions for these cycles so that you can address them consciously and not let them run your life -- but it already seems like you're working on just that.

[sweet tooth]

Hello all... .

I went through the gauntlet for five years with my recent ex who has now dissapeared. I am having a very hard time and I feel worthless. I don't want to do anything and I cry alot. It has been 2 months and I know I need to go NC but I can't stop myself. She never replies. She did once saying goodbye she will always love me and never forget me. That prompted many return emails from me that were ignored. I have been through all the stages of a BPD relationship many times. She has lied an insane amount. Basically every symptom has happened. But now as I lament and try to live I'm starting to think that I am BPD. Because of all the abuse in the end it was me who was jealous and yelled and was abusive. It was me who would push pull.  I kicked her out but really didn't want to. Help me I feel like I am going insane. Been to therapy and doesn't seem to help. I seem to be getting worse and worse. My friends and family are sick of hearing it and basically think I'm over reacting and I need to just get over it and move on. I don't know how. I wake up almost every morning with this feeling of dread. Having my opinions disregarded as well as my feelings for so long has shook me to the core. I should hate her but I don't.  I feel that I have needed her to validate me or that's how it became and now I'm left with just me... .___ty ___ed up me. Talk about fear of abandonment. I think that's why I never let her leave... .so maybe I am BPD but I certainly suck at the disengagement part. I am like obsessed it seems. Nothing else excites me I don't care about anything and had to take a leave from work. And I blame her for it all but in reality I wasn't happy before really. When I met her it was magic. I gave her all of me and shared my deepest feelings and she loved it. Now she is just gone. I fear I am forever changed and I will never find that again. I realize I guess that isn't love it's infatuation but jesus if that's not love then I don't know what is. The realization that she may have never really loved me kills me. The most ___ed up part is I know that if somehow she came back first of all everyone I know would thunk I was insane and secondly i wouldn't be able to forgive her for the pain. Inevitably I would ask her she'd shut down I would get mad and yell ect and the cycle starts again. ___

If you're self aware enough to realize that you have a problem, then the problem probably isn't a personality disorder.

[Herodias]

This is normal for coming out of these types of r/s's... .i thought that too. You will get it together, It just takes time. They really rub off on us and we end up with C-PTSD.  Possibly co-dependancy and fear of being alone. You will find yourself again. 

[HurtinNW]

Hello Venny!

In case anyone hasn't welcomed you, Welcome to the family! 

Going through a BPD break-up can be absolutely devastating, on top of all the trauma of the relationship. All the symptoms you describe are perfectly normal. I felt them and so did many here! All the recycles, the lies, the blame, the criticisms and devaluing, the crazy-making and gas-lighting, the rejections... .they leave us feeling deeply confused and lost and hurt. I describe the pain as catastrophic.

There are so many wonderful tools here, and helpful members. Do you want to tell us more about the relationship?

It's hard to believe, but it does get better. I recommend posting here as much as you want. There have been times I think I am setting a record! Ask questions and read the articles and lessons too.

And as sweet tooth says, my counselor has told me the same thing: if you are worried you are BPD you probably are not. A hallmark of the disorder is lacking self-reflection. That said, many of us here are working on recognizing our role in the relationship, including why we stayed even when getting hurt.

Sending you big hugs!   

[Ahoy]

Hi again Venny,

Some great suggestions/advice on here. I don't have anything to add except that all of us replying to you aren't doing so just because we feel sympathy towards you (we feel that too as well don't worry) it's because ALL OF US have been exactly where you are right now, thinking EXACTLY the same thoughts.

I was about to start anti-depressants at one stage, but I managed to pull myself together enough that I felt it was no longer warranted. The point is, these past 15 weeks have been the single hardest period of my life. If a close relative died tomorrow, I would still have to pause before saying that would feel worse.

At the time of my separation, I think I picked up a few traits from my ex. I like GEM's description of 'fleas'. I got highly emotional during some phone calls and even raged (a little). As enmeshed as we get with our partners, I think it's only natural that this occurs. Mine vanished after some time separated.

Please give yourself some slack. Why don't you use this time to pick up a new hobby that can distract you? I used some of my extra spare time doing big jugsaw puzzles and listening to awesome music, it was relaxing and even a little meditative. Find something that will get you out of your head for a little, until you can get some perspective.

I felt useless, I feel a fool, I felt I would never ever get better, I feel ashamed this was the only subject I could only talk about this with my friends (many who were sick of hearing about my ex too). After doing a lot of soul-searching and hard work, how do I feel? I feel that no only can I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's getting close, fast... .in fact I might have to put sunglasses on soon! Learn from this site and I guarantee you, this will be you too =)

[hergestridge]

My thoughts have been wandering in that direction too. When I met a new woman that was not BPD I started to think so. I was especially worried by my tendency to go all-in in relationships and attach to people I didn't really know. I started to think that relationships for me was all about me and things I project on other people, which is very BPD. And every time my girlfriend became a little annoyed with me I was scared to death. I was convinced it was the end of the relationship and she had to hold me, calm me down and explain to me that she loves me still.

I have those traits. But do I have BPD?

I had to go back to the list of criteria and see. It's good as a reality check. The thing is you can be quite f*cked up but still not have PD. I might be good for you too check the criteria. Here we go:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

- Yes. That's me. I stay will people where others would have left because I can't cope with the break-up. I feel guilty and I fear that I will be alone forever if I don't cling on to what I have. I have those feelings and they affect my life.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

- No. My friends are long-term. I don't hate them one day and like them the next. If one of my friends or a partner acts out of character I try to understand what is happening rather than devaluaing them. I attach to people slowly and gradually. Only thing would be that when (and if) I eventually have had enough of someone I just f*ck off and abandon them.

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

- No. I know what I like and I know who I am. I am the last person to pick up traits from groups or people around me. It's been like that since I was young. I have been working towards the same goals since I was a young man. I have integrity.

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

- No. If I feel the need for a drink or for sex in order to reduce anxiety and stop and think "let's not" and calm down instead. I drink and have sex when I'm a good mood, otherwise I would feel bad about it. 

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

- I have been suicidal once and that was when my wife cheated on me. I was destroyed. But no, nothing recurring. And I didn't even tell anyone.

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

- Perhaps. I have anxiety attacks and mood shifts a lot. But most of the time I can hide it from others and I keep it under control by eating right and meditating.

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

- No. I have a rich inner life. I feel that I have so many wonderful things (ideas, words) inside me that I want to communicate to the world. I can lie on a couch for an hour or two and look up into the ceiling, thinking pleasant thoughts and being happy. There is no emptiness inside me that I have to fill with external events or input.

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

- No. I avoid conflict and I'm only angry when something special upsets me. It's not every day and I have no difficulty controlling it. I cry when I'm said, not out of frustration.

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

- No. I have never experienced anything like that.

[Suspicious1]

It sounds like you're in so much pain; I'm sorry to hear that.

When you say you went to therapy but it didn't help, can you elaborate a little? Was it therapy specifically for help with the break-up, or for the issues you feel you've had in general?

Upon feeling your behaviour may have been becoming abusive then you were responsible enough to end the relationship rather than continue the abuse, however painful that is to process now.

Any of us could have BPD traits (in fact lots of nons do), and any of us could have BPD. Do you think that the behaviour you showed in this relationship shows up in other relationships? If it seems to be a pattern then perhaps that's something to tell your therapist if you haven't already?

[Fr4nz]

Hello all... .

I went through the gauntlet for five years with my recent ex who has now dissapeared. I am having a very hard time and I feel worthless. I don't want to do anything and I cry alot. It has been 2 months and I know I need to go NC but I can't stop myself. She never replies. She did once saying goodbye she will always love me and never forget me. That prompted many return emails from me that were ignored. I have been through all the stages of a BPD relationship many times. She has lied an insane amount. Basically every symptom has happened. But now as I lament and try to live I'm starting to think that I am BPD. Because of all the abuse in the end it was me who was jealous and yelled and was abusive. It was me who would push pull.  I kicked her out but really didn't want to. Help me I feel like I am going insane. Been to therapy and doesn't seem to help. I seem to be getting worse and worse. My friends and family are sick of hearing it and basically think I'm over reacting and I need to just get over it and move on. I don't know how. I wake up almost every morning with this feeling of dread. Having my opinions disregarded as well as my feelings for so long has shook me to the core. I should hate her but I don't.  I feel that I have needed her to validate me or that's how it became and now I'm left with just me... .___ty ___ed up me. Talk about fear of abandonment. I think that's why I never let her leave... .so maybe I am BPD but I certainly suck at the disengagement part. I am like obsessed it seems. Nothing else excites me I don't care about anything and had to take a leave from work. And I blame her for it all but in reality I wasn't happy before really. When I met her it was magic. I gave her all of me and shared my deepest feelings and she loved it. Now she is just gone. I fear I am forever changed and I will never find that again. I realize I guess that isn't love it's infatuation but jesus if that's not love then I don't know what is. The realization that she may have never really loved me kills me. The most ___ed up part is I know that if somehow she came back first of all everyone I know would thunk I was insane and secondly i wouldn't be able to forgive her for the pain. Inevitably I would ask her she'd shut down I would get mad and yell ect and the cycle starts again. ___

If you're self aware enough to realize that you have a problem, then the problem probably isn't a personality disorder.

This is false; there are actually many BPD sufferers that are aware of their condition.

[Venny]

Hello all thank you for responses. I'm feeling better today. I felt therapy wasn't helping because it seemed all I was doing was venting the same stuff every time. As we know it's expensive and I didn't feel any progress. I have determined that I am Co dependant which is the perfect victim for BPD. I am wondering if any of you know specific therapists for dealing with codependency and specifically how to get over BPD relationships. I feel I need some specific steps to follow.