How to approach a child to encourage them to seek help

[datcat]

Hello, my 19 year old daughter shows many traits of BPD and also anorexia. She is in complete denial about any illness at all, so is her mother. Her mother and i are separated and i am really struggling as i see my daughter ruining her life and my ex wife providing no assistance. I have 3 other children and one by one the anger and manipulative behaviour of my 19 year old means the relationships are just disintegrating. Does anyone have suggestions for how i break this. I think my daughter loves being the victim in the triangle and projects emotions on to others including me that keep her in this mode. Suggestions on actions, books to read or resources to go to would be brilliant. thanks. I am in London UK.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello datcat,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are happy to have you join us.

I'm sorry to hear that your d19 is so troubled and that your ex wife doesn't seem to be seeking support for her.  How long have you and your wife been separated?  Do you spend much time with your d19?

Having affective communication skills in your relationship with your d19 can build trust, understanding, and respect.  We have lots of info on the most affective communication skills for people who suffer with BPD or traits of the disorder.  Skills and tools like validation, asking validating questions can make a difference right away.  You can find them in the right side bar under the Tools and Lessons. 

Where do you find yourself on the triangle of communication?  How do you deal with your d19's projections of her emotions?  We have some great articles on triangulation and drama triangles in the lessons as well. 

Here are some additional resources:  https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child on how to get our kids to consider therapy and understanding BPD.  We highly recommend the book "Loving Someone with BPD" by Sharri Manning.  Here is a list of recommended reading materials for parents:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56210.0

There is much you can learn here and we are ready to walk by your side as you do... .answer questions and give you support.  I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[datcat]

Hello Ibjnitx, thanks so much for your kind reply. i will take a look at the recommendations you give and this is extremely helpful.
We have been divorced now for 12 years, and we separated 3 years before. my d19 was only 4 when we split. Over the last 2 years i have really tried with my d19 taking her on holiday just me and her and spending weekends together (she is at college in Bath UK). It just isnt working though and she lies to me and is very disrespectful. she projects anger on to me and plays the victim very well. i struggle but reading things like this site make it much easier
my fear is that my ex wife is a codependent parent and this just makes things so hard. would you believe this: i recommended to my ex that she take a look at this site. her response: the site isnt any good at all and our d19 has none of the symptoms! to me, my wife, my 2 sons (with my ex) all think my d19 has many of the traits.
i am so grateful for your comments and walking by my side
Datcat

[wendydarling]

Hello datcat, welcome  I'm in London too (north), my 27 year old daughter was diagnosed BPD last July, recently commenced DBT and lives with me. I'm sorry your ex wife is unable to support you at this time.  May I ask what traits/symptoms your daughter displays, you mention anorexia, has this come to the attention of her GP at any point? I'm sorry your daughter has been disrespectful to you and hope the tools and lessons you learn here help you communicate.

My daughter was very able to hide many of her symptoms through her teen and early 20s, or perhaps I should have paid more attention? Successful at school, uni, work and with friendships. At 18 she was very thin and I believe she was fed up with bulimia ruling her, she agreed to go to the GP who forwarded her for treatment which she attended for 8 months and then missed an appointment - the treatment was withdrawn, not that it ever worked as the treatment was only focusing on one symptom bulimia. Over the next 9 years the disorder gradually manifested, cutting, anxiety, depression, psychosis, risky behaviour, alcohol dependence ... .finally overdose and self harm hospitalisations and suicidal thoughts last year.  Sounds awful, however she is in a better place now having taken on responsibility to recover.

In 9 years the medical profession has moved on, I believe if my daughter presented herself today at as an 18 yr old to our GP with an eating disorder they would gently build her trust and explore wider symptoms for a diagnosis.  It's hard for our kids to accept and understand they need help, in my daughter's case she was focused and motivated to keep up with her peers which is very natural for all young people, regardless of disorder my daughter strives to be independent in her own way, like many.

Have you considered visiting your GP for advice at this point?

I'm a single parent, with one child, my daughter's father is unable to engage with me, like your ex - it feeds his own anxiety, it's all about him, always has been, my daughter now understands why, and accepts him for who he is. That said one of my sisters, my friends who are family and many of my daughters wonderful friends do understand her challenge, we are learning and walking together with my daughter who appreciates our support.

Glad your wife and your daughters siblings are walking and learning with you and your daughter. 

WDx












 

[Bright Day Mom]

I echo what the previous posts say, all good stuff, we are so lucky to have each other to lean on!

One thing that helped with my daughter was having the conversation. Before doing this, I would recommend the tools to the right "listen w/empathy", validate, etc.  "Honey, how do you feel?"  It seems to me you may feel... .down, anxious, a bit thin, whatever, don't name them all an risk overwhelming her.  I told my daughter that she deserves to live a happy, healthy, joyful life that there is help available and we were going to go thru it as a family.  No, she wasn't excited to meet yet another therapist, but SHE wanted to feel well.  I think that is half the battle.  She is now in a 9 month out of home placement and progressing well. 

Good luck in your journey and know we are all too familiar.