How to deal with blackmail?

[Jacidrinkswine]

My BPD ex is blackmailing me . She refuses to accept that I want no cantact. She has some things on me - mostly embarrassing. She has indicated that she would fabricate a rape charge. She is very ill and in therapy but it does not seem to be working. Any advice on the blackmail - which is basically she wants me to take her on vacation and be nice to her. I know she is toxic and seeing her can only cause trouble.

[Rayban]

My BPD ex is blackmailing me . She refuses to accept that I want no cantact. She has some things on me - mostly embarrassing. She has indicated that she would fabricate a rape charge. She is very ill and in therapy but it does not seem to be working. Any advice on the blackmail - which is basically she wants me to take her on vacation and be nice to her. I know she is toxic and seeing her can only cause trouble.

Fear Obligation Guilt


The BPD weapons of choice. In this case, it seems like she is using FEAR to keep you in the relationship. You have to weigh your options. Leave her and go no contact, and bite the bullet on her exposing some embarrassing stuff (what does that say about her, to others that will see that) or continue being in a relationship with a manipulative partner. What will it be next time?

[Panda39]

You might also beat her to the punch and talk with whoever you think she will tell.  Just let them know that she has some issues and that you are going through an ugly break up and that she has threatened to badmouth you.

I made sure everyone in my office at work knew about my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (udiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and what she was capable of.  They knew me and knew about her.  Thankfully she never tried anything but I knew I would have the benefit of the doubt if she ever did.

And if she does tell people some embarrassing things don't you think that's better than continuing a farce of a relationship with with an abusive person?  Blackmail is abuse.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

If you are worried about the legal risks, you need to build some good defenses.  First, seek the legal advice of an experienced criminal lawyer, just in case.  You may not need to pay a retainer, just a solid initial consultation.

Second, never ever admit that you may have done anything wrong or improper.  Might be good to interject, "You know that's not true... ."  You never know when she may be recording or saving communications.

Third, save any documentation (letters, emails, recordings, etc) in case you need them to defend yourself.  It would be unrealistic for her to claim rape or other misbehaviors if she is seeking MORE time with you.  A victim would try to stay away from an abuser, not seek out more contact.

Oh, and don't drink wine with her.

[Jacidrinkswine]

The insanity is all she wants is me to take her on vacation but if maintain no contact she wants to ruin me. I just want to have a normal breakup but she refuses to let go.

[Panda39]

The insanity is all she wants is me to take her on vacation but if maintain no contact she wants to ruin me. I just want to have a normal breakup but she refuses to let go.

If she can't let go then it is your job to let go... .set the boundary... .the relationship is over.  How will she make a false rape charge if you don't have any contact with her.  You go on vacation with her and all that does is give her more time with you to create more lies, or create a situation where she could call the police and make a false allegation. 

Also, keep store receipts, restaurant receipts, dates that you have appointments etc. so that you have a way to document/corroborate that you were no were near her if she does actually make some kind of allegation.

Example: Gee officer how could I have been at ex's house on Tuesday at 4p I was at the grocery store across town... .here is my receipt from the store.

[oery]

I also advice you to seek legal advice. Otherwise, she can make some dangerous situations that can affect you badly.

[Waddams]

Most smartphones offer the abililty to track your movements.  I'd turn it on so I could verify my whereabouts.  Also, pay for everything with a credit or check card - bank statements will show times and places of transactions.  That way, if you lose a receipt, the bank statement can verify where you were.

Document her threats.  Keep texts, etc.  I have an SMS Backup app that archives texts to a Gmail account. 

I'd actually take the documentation to a magistrate and ask for a TPO/no contact order.  She's making terroristic threats.  Even if you get denied, having it on the record later that you were concerned enough to file for it will add weight to your position in future legal involvement.  Also go to your local precinct and alert the cops, ask for their advice in how to de-escalate the situation, how to protect yourself, etc.

Next, if she had a key, change the locks.  Change your phone number, etc.  Go total NC.  Change your habits for a while, find a few new places to hangout, etc.  Block her on social media, and change your security settings so you're not searchable.

And personally, I found when I was getting myself out of a situation with someone that was acting out like this, it's a great time for a trip out of town.

[adventurer]

I have an android phone and turned on google location services so my entire history of where/when I am is recorded on my google maps timeline - this timeline is only visible when logged into your own account.  I am also paying with debit card as much as possible for a paper trail.

I have not been blackmailed but she has floated a couple strange accusations to me, I have just responded for her to give the police my cell number if the need to contact me regarding anything and ignored everything else she said.

I have an app ACR that can record all voice calls over my cell phone, I am in a state that allows this without the other's knowledge.

Definitely get a consult with a criminal atty - you could probably cover your concerns and possible preemptive defense measures in 30 minutes.