I am soo tired

[lonelyh1]

I am soo tired.  I have a child and that is what is keeping me here

But I feel like I am going to have a heart attack.

Apparently it is all my fault. 

[loosingit07]

I feel your pain.  I too am exhausted from all of this... .I just need answers.  My son will be 18 in just 6 short months.  I feel like I am racing a clock. Prayers to you and yours.

[gotbushels]

Hi lonelyh1 and loosingit07

It's hard being the receiver of a BP's dysregulation. My sympathies to you both and to your families.

Something that might help you is to recall that you are a separate person to the BP. This allows you to keep a healthier level of detachment from them. It helped me in my relationship, despite the abuse she hurled at me. Focus on it, validate and let the dysregulation pass in a healthier manner.

Stay strong and I hope you both find time to rest.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Agree, it's exhausting to be in a BPD r/s.  It's easy to get burned out.  Believe me, I've done it.  Agree w/gotbushels that it helps to focus on yourself as a separate person, enabling you to partake in the r/s with detachment.  Their problems are not, strictly speaking, your problems, although I know they don't see it that way.  Persons w/BPD are expert at shifting the blame and responsibility to the Non.  If you're not careful, you can get overburdened by the extra weight.  The goal is to lighten your emotional burden by not taking on all the blame and responsibility.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it's unbelievably emotionally exhausting to be with a pwBPD. And other people, friends and family, have absolutely no clue how difficult it is. That's why this group is so helpful. We completely understand. Please tell us more about your situation.   

[lonelyh1]

Well she kicked me out of the house at 23h00.  It is 3 degrees here.

Then locked the gates so I was stuck between the house and could not get out of the front yard(high walls).

I was ready to leave.  Then she got her mother to call me and convince me to stay.  And I felt sorry for her

Needless to say I think she had another affair in feb this year.  She is an excellent liar  and I am still here after 10 years.

God I am hopeless... .

BTW I am seriously clinically depressed.  Going to a therapist helped but I cannot afford it and I have no time any more.

[lonelyh1]

oh one more thing for the fire.

She says her affairs are all my fault.  No blame for her.   Just unreal.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Lonelyh1,

Dude, I am here for you. I've spent the decade from the age of 43 to 53 living with a pwBPD girlfriend. I've had her arrested for domestic violence twice. I've moved out twice. Clearly things are not working. I ended things for real about 3 weeks ago.

You are caught in her web and it's your fault, just as it was my own fault in my case.

All you need to do is stop responding to her. She wants the response. Just do whatever it takes to block her out. You will be able to predict the pattern like a clock:

If you stop responding to her today, she will freak out tonight and threaten to harm you or cheat on you or blah blah blah. Tomorrow she is remorseful and the day after she is vindictive. Then back to freak out, remorse, and vindictiveness.

It's up to men like us to break this cycle, because WE perpetuate it.

The skunk will never make me happy in spite of what she says. She is incapable. If reading this board alone doesn't help put this illness to light, nothing will.

Thanks to this board I now KNOW she's never gonna change and I need to kick her to the curb. You need to do the same in my opinion. Screw giving her a chance, she's had 10 years to prove to you she is capable of changing and you're still in the same boat.

Get out of the boat, Lonelyh1. There's a lot more fish in the sea than your can of spoiled sardines.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I think that being able to name your feelings, and recognize that you are tired out - and importantly identify that it is the other person's actions that are wearing you down, are all important and lead to healing. 

I spent too many years being tormented in the FOG and assuming it was my fault, and my job to fix it. 
I got much better when I started picturing the trouble for what it is.  Not all my fault. 

I now have learned to keep my boundaries.  I picture myself as an island with bridges reaching out to others, including my uBPDw.  I have bridges that go half way, and if anyone wants to meet me, I'll be half way.  I won't cross into crazy-topia anymore.  I give myself time to do what I want and need, without apology.

[gotbushels]

oh one more thing for the fire.

She says her affairs are all my fault.  No blame for her.   Just unreal.

If a car runs a red light does it make it the red light's fault? My ex cheated on me. If she attempted to describe this as, "You were working late, I tripped and fell on him, it's your fault.", is that accurate? We all have a role to play but I encourage you to consider how to appropriately view statements from her.

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[Circle]

Thanks to this board I now KNOW she's never gonna change and I need to kick her to the curb. You need to do the same in my opinion. Screw giving her a chance, she's had 10 years to prove to you she is capable of changing and you're still in the same boat.

Get out of the boat, Lonelyh1. There's a lot more fish in the sea than your can of spoiled sardines.

No doubt!

[Cat Familiar]

She says her affairs are all my fault.  No blame for her.   Just unreal.

Yep. My ex-husband told me the same thing. That if I was a "better wife" he wouldn't have needed to cheat. Got to love that psychopathic logic.

[Lilyroze]

She says her affairs are all my fault.  No blame for her.   Just unreal.

Yep. My ex-husband told me the same thing. That if I was a "better wife" he wouldn't have needed to cheat. Got to love that psychopathic logic.

Been there done that... .anyone for a tshirt? ... .LOL

The behavior, the excuses, the rages all inappropriate. The fact he was sick physically and my son is why I stuck it out, was more a caretaker. Now boundaries, and he is fine, wanting and having affairs with many while we deal with the aftermath.

The difference now I don't care, have my boundaries, know my core values and accept my part in why I put up with this. Healing my codependency of wanting all happy, and trying to fix it. I am no longer D Reid happy home-maker( even though I work, have had businesses etc) or Pollyanna.

  My son pointed out the part in the Willie Wonka movie when he is going through the tunnel is how my husband would get when he get crazy about his issues ( for example a car issue)... .The minute I didn't have my preschool romper room voice for all the insane rages he would say it was all my fault.

I do want to add when first got together or married he seemed very shy, sweet, creative, hard working. I am not taking that away, and why you might be staying as well. Most of that was to mirror what I was looking for. I do appreciate the good in him, what he was. Though the signs were there even with the good, it was easier to mask.

Just now like a whole different person, especially when painted black, so trying to put all on me. Over the years has gotten much worse in how he treats family, work co workers, and many. He can change on a dime. I guess I am telling you, as you also put in years, she changed on dime, threw you out, then wants you to stay.

In normal relationships people can get heated in moment, yell, be upset, or change their mind. But there is apologies, no silent treatment, and accountability and not cheating. There can be misunderstandings with communication, financial, kids, but not online cheating, or cheating, then blaming. That is not healthy nor your problem she chose that route then to work with you.

lonelyh1, I am so glad you found the board, there are so many tools, articles, and support. I hope you get the support you need on making a plan to move forward which is best for you.

I see you are on deciding board, so if you stay with the boundaries you need, requirements to stay such as counseling on her part, or the means to move out, heal and start your life again. Either way you are important in this, and she can't be the center of it all any-more. Your health, security, well being, matter.