I've posted various times before, so people who might be interested in the full story can read my previous stuff...
Firstly I don't want to put off the wrong idea, specifically that I am being naive or hopeful or sucked in etc. Been there done that, dealt with the pain etc etc. Now my life's pretty good. And in most ways I'm extremely glad I was able to experience it all because it has shaped me into someone much stronger and way more resilient. Stubborn and in some ways I cherish the sadomasochistic parts of this life, which our natural tendencies make us run from and recoil. But yeah, I find myself a stronger person after a very hard few years of pain, but now I'm good again I find myself missing the challenge, haha.
Well... .It might be because she was my first ever introduction to sex, but I find that I can't really find that genuine intensity and power struggle with 'normal girls'. Thing is, when I first met my ex, I was a virgin and she definitely tried to capitalise on my lack of knowledge... .She hid her extreme past, she used any opportunity to get off on me being way too easily turned on, and she pretty much shaped and forged the entire dynamics of our sex life and the little I could really say I knew about it. So, because I was new, she could just whisper in my ear things and I would get an electric feel in my gut. She would be able to spread her legs open and make me watch her touch herself and because hers was the only vagina I'd seen then in person she just got off on being my porn to jack off to. Actually, she became somewhat aggressively sexual and after turning me on enough that I couldn't think straight she'd start riding me, saying she wants to rape me, even got to when I was on top she would pull me harder in wanting to control the speed like I was some kind of sex toy, which yeah she did call me. She even called my dick "mine".
Well, eventually that numbed me because, while it was hot, in many ways it was just a fetish for me that I was bad at controlling but ultimately I couldn't respect the kind of human being she was. I felt like I wanted an honest girl, and obviously I didn't want to lose my whole essence as a free human being. I ultimately left because I wanted to be in control, of myself and I guess in sex, and since her I haven't really been like that again... .Girls I slept with I'm usually doing the work... .
Can't help feeling like I miss it though. Maybe because it was the first time I ever experienced sex or because of the intensity and passion of her sex drive driving me crazy, I sometimes wish I was just naive again so I could continue with a girl that made me ___ her 5 times every day... .I wasn't naive at the time- I knew what she was doing but I got so addicted... .She had a whole system of reinforcement where the sex was very obviously about giving her complete sexual power over me... .But it was just so ___ing hot. Might be worth mentioning I have a size and girth that I know makes girls pretty happy... But actually that's partly why I don't want to ___ her. Because I ___ing know how good it will make her feel. And because she was generally a BPD type evil person I don't know if it's morally right to share my dick with her... .
But anyway, I moved forward, I have other girls, I'm fine blah blah and after a long time she sent me a Facebook message and unblocked me. Saying how she wants to thank me for putting up with her when she was a "terrible human being". No word of actual apology in there but that's the closest she's ever come. Actually I do see through it: I've clearly been moving on and she wants me to respond so she can be like "he still misses me". Well, I didn't do that, and at first had no urge whatsoever, I really have decided I don't want to be with a girl like that long term, being some girls b___. Haha.
BUT- I got horny lately and started remembering stuff. Maybe I could just let her come see me, and I just play along. Let her think she's got me back under control again, when really it's win win as I really really want to relive that again... .I'm ___ed up because of her I guess but I love it... .Hate it a little but love it.
Ok, so bearing in mind that this time I am 1) not in love with her and 2) have other girls as options to protect me from getting attached; question is: is it ok if I let her try to control me again. It's a bad habit she formed, so she ought to be the one that deals with it. There is nothing hotter than an actual psycho genuinely, not role play, trying to control you sexually... .I'm considering letting her back in somewhat and jumping back into that crazy volcano.
