Shared Parenting Schedule Help?

[axbadt]

Hi Everyone! 

A friend introduced me to this community and am looking forward to any advice and support you may have to share. 

My husband and I are trying to gain 50/50 access of his daughter.  Three years ago he and his ex-wife agreed that when their daughter turned 8 they would share 50/50.  Note:  it was 40/60 at that point.  Now, the child is 8 and mom is claiming that is not what she agreed to.  She said "we must have had different definitions of what shared parenting is". 

We laid out the benefits for the 50/50 for the child but still disagreed.  We filed a motion to the court.  Her response was to attack dad as being a bad father and was going to request a 'parenting assessment'.  My partner and I ran around getting affidavits proving he is an amazing and fully involved father and when we get to the first appearance, his ex claims that she agrees he is a good parent but now wants a child assessment as child has 'issues'.  It goes on and on and on.  She tells us she'll consider something - we send her the settlement offer and then she wants the opposite.  We have been nothing but agreeable to all her demands but it seems like it is just a stall tactic and I am looking for advice on the best way to go forward.  We truly want the best for the child.  She's asking to spend more time with dad (and her two step-sisters that she adores).  The current schedule has roughly 12-14 transitions a month - so there is no consistency and routine.

Mom now states that child needs to see a psychotherapist who can help her deal with any concerns child may have (anxiety, shyness, etc) and hopefully, the psychotherapist will be able to recommend to the court what parenting schedule will work best.  We have agreed and have taken the child now twice, mom has once, however, the therapist was chosen by her lawyer and ex-wife is covering cost on her benefits so we are concerned its weighted in their favour.  Also, when we meet with the therapist she said her main objective was to help the child deal with any issues and that she would not be laying out a schedule. 

I'm seeking advice on how we should handle this situation.  We would like to go forward - to court - as mom continues to lie, change what she wants and seems like stalling tactics.  Also whether we should continue with this therapist as it could potentially work in our favour as she has already seen some 'indecisiveness, perfectionism, low-selfesteem' in the child which we believe is a result of living with her mother who has BPD and may be a result of so many transitions a month.

Any tips, advice or recommendations on how to go forward would be greatly appreciated!

[Nope]

Welcome fellow step mom!

There are quite a few of us on these boards. You are not alone. It sounds like you are struggling to get your husband's ex to agree to something that should be quite reasonable. Is your husband's ex diagnosed? Is she usually unwilling to compromise or obstructive? Even with a high conflict co-parent there are different severities.

Do you have a strong proactive lawyer on your side? Have you asked how often 50/50 is done where you are?

My first advice is to get a court date set to have your motion heard. The kid's mom is not likely to be interested in reaching an agreement unless there is a looming and unavoidable court date. Remember, the current schedule is in her favor so the longer things stay the way they are the longer she is getting what she wants. If she drags her feet and you husband is not proactive she could drag this out for years simply by doing nothing and agreeing to nothing.

[axbadt]

Thank you - this is such a great community to hear from a third party.  We agree that we need to get our case heard in front of a judge as she has never nor will agree to any of the suggestions we have offered over the last three years. 

Last question:  we have a motion date set for July 29.  Her lawyer is telling us he will object to this as they need more time due to the therapist.  Can they do that?

[david]

Have a schedule in writing that is what you believe is best for D8. Have all the holidays spelled out, birthdays (that can includes stepsisters birthdays to celebrate), etc. Usually the courts want major holidays rotated year to year. I was challenged on certain aspects of my schedule. I had reasonable answers to all the challenges. Ex had nothing to offer. The judge basically copied and pasted it as our custody order.

My ex usually shows her hand before any hearings so I pretty much know what she will object to and why. I always have "solutions" (answers) to all her "concerns".

If you have three years of suggestions and she has disagreed with every one that may be something to show in court. If you have it all documented through email,etc that would be good. Have a synopsis of the three years as a header page. I have used that tactic with great success. Showing that you try to co parent and the other party completely refuses to work anything out points the court in a certain direction of thinking. After that you can introduce the solution you have.

I copied every homework from our youngest for an entire school year. Because of delays by ex it became three years. The pile was around 6 or 8 inches tall. I had one piece of paper showing that our son did over 95% of all his homework when with me and the 5% he did at his mom's was either incomplete or full of errors. I signed every homework he did with me and ex signed everyone he did with her. I had three of everything. One pile for the judge, one for opposing counsel, and one for my atty and me. My atty handed the judge the pile and he looked at the top sheet. A pile was given to ex and she was allowed to go over each paper or agree with the top sheet. She agreed and that top sheet was introduced as evidence. That piece of evidence carried more weight than verbal testimony.

[Nope]

Thank you - this is such a great community to hear from a third party.  We agree that we need to get our case heard in front of a judge as she has never nor will agree to any of the suggestions we have offered over the last three years. 

Last question:  we have a motion date set for July 29.  Her lawyer is telling us he will object to this as they need more time due to the therapist.  Can they do that?

Lawyers like to throw every possible thing out there and see what sticks. When the lawyer brings up this objection I would point out that the counselor stated that they will not give a recommendation so waiting for something that wouldn't be forthcoming isn't going to change the situation. Though if she asks for a continuance she is likely to get two or three of those before a judge runs out of patience.

You can try asking for a custody evaluation since depending on where you are located the evaluator can make recommendations to the court. Getting that underway would at least mean the only thing you'd be waiting on before court would be the completed evaluation. Though I'd warn you of two things: 1. There are good evaluators and bad evaluators, so do your research. 2. An evaluation can take anywhere between several months and a year. We have one very unlucky member on these boards who has been waiting two years for hers, but that is highly unusual.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer told me judges almost always grant a continuance or two, it's when there are more that judges start getting peeved.  My lawyer had agreed with one or two - the action at that time was about a year in process and on track to take at least 18 months - but when another continuance motion popped up he told me he was going to object.  Before he could submit anything the magistrate denied it!  Hard to keep them all straight, but I think Ex was supposed to have stomach pains and needed to go see a doctor.  It was a pre-trial which only needed lawyers to be present. Whether or not the magistrate had looked at the length of the current action and seen how long prior motions had taken, I just don't know, but I think it was only that Ex didn't need to be present that made the decision. 

Can your lawyer object, stating or writing that there is benefit for them to appear in court, that some things can be addressed.  For example, school will soon be starting.  A continuance now would put the next hearing into the school year and the court might not feel an incentive to change the order sooner rather than later.

Do you have any documentation of that equal time agreement?  While just about anyone would want to avoid changing an order to end up with less time, a person with BPD will got to extremes to avoid that.

When I had equal time, our custody evaluator recommended equal time should have frequent exchanges.  I had been in a high conflict divorce so I wanted fewer exchanges, such as alternate weeks.  He disagreed, son was then nearly 6 years old and he said children until 10 years of age need more frequent visits and he recommended semi-weekly visits.  It was a 2/2/5/5 schedule also called 2/2/3 schedule.  One parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and the Fri-Sat-Sun overnight weekends are alternated.  It averages out to two exchanges per week.  I chose the second half of the week so I could help out and monitor weekly assignments.

[Thunderstruck]

Have you  had a case management hearing? I don't know if they do that everywhere, but for DH, when his case was stagnant the judge scheduled a case management hearing. DH, his L, and uBPDbm (pro se) all sat down with the judge and stated the things that they needed to complete and how long we had to complete it (discovery, CE, mediation, proposed parenting plan, trial).