Am I doing the right thing for my daughter?

[Maribela]

It's been a while since I posted but I'm a big lurker and come back repeatedly to read others' stories.

My adult daughter has BPD and is very low-functioning in that she really can't hold a job or live on her own.  She is extremely self-abusive and over the years (she is about to turn 30) has had anorexia, bulimia, self-harms, is an alcoholic and abuses any other drugs she can get her hands on.   Several years ago when she was still on my insurance, I sent her to a drug rehab in S. Florida as the thinking is that addiction issues must be addressed first.  She did ok for a little while after that but since then she has been cycling in and out of hospitals, emergency rooms and psych wards.  She avoids treatment and help when it's offered to her, and just looks for people (men really) who she can live with and who will take care of her and who she can control.  Even those situations never last more than a couple of months as eventually her bulimia and drinking make her impossible to live with.  She has already been kicked out of every sober house in South Florida.   Living at home is not an option as she will not comply with rules and I can't allow her to harm herself on my watch. 

The reason for my post is that I'm questioning whether or not she is even capable of being independent.  She had a relatively good year in 2015 and actually held a job and a relationship for a good part of the year.  That all ended in February and she's been in a downward spiral ever since.  I've been distancing myself physically which makes it difficult for me to enable her, but it almost seems like the longer she is trying to make it on her own the worse she gets.  She does not seek help unless it is forced on her and the reason for the good half year that she did have was that she got herself arrested for shoplifting and they made her go to rehab.  Her diagnosis was made several years ago after an involuntary commitment landed her in a state hospital for 5 months after swallowing razor blades.

After not hearing for her for about a week and a half she contacted me yesterday looking for money for a place to stay.  I told her I wanted no communication with her until she got some treatment and she spent the whole night texting me trying to engage me in conversation.  I'm sad because tomorrow's her birthday and she's homeless and sick and far away.    Thanks for reading. :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

wow, all I can say is that I am really sorry. IT sounds awful.  I feel for you. I hope you can find a way to cope. I am sure you love your daughter and it is hard because you want a relationship but do not want to enable... .

[Darkbeforedawn]

Wow! Your story breaks my heart.  I can relate to a lot of what you write.  I am so so sorry that you are suffering as a mother.  No one deserves to see their child behave this way.  If you pray then can I encourage you to just pray for her?  I don't know a lot about enabling and I quite possibly enable my daughter without realising - I am not sure.  It is almost like we have to go against our maternal instincts that have been anchored into us.  It is almost cruel that we have to be so firm with our kids.  It also begs the question - how low do these people need to go before they will try to help themselves... .?    to you x

[Maribela]

Can symptoms be so bad that she really can't live on her own?  I've been screwing up my courage to enforce NC for a long time, and knowing my daughter she will take that as a signal that she should do something  outrageous to get my attention and sympathy.  Of course my hope is that she would take that as a message that she better start taking her health seriously, yet she has never responded this way before.  I think sometimes she slips into psychosis.