my daughter

[artmama]

My 30 year old daughter has had difficulties with emotional disorders since she was 16. She is no longer able to live independently and I agreed to let me move in with me. Since the move in date is rapidly approaching my daughters anger with me has spiraled and I am frequently the target of her rage. I want to be as loving as I can, but I am feeling constantly beat up with her anger and blaming. I have told her that I will not allow myself to be targeted in that way when she lives with me and will disengage when that happens. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Daughter and Mom,

Great idea to post together. There are lots of tools on this site you can learn to use in your everyday life that will help in your communication breakdown. My d16 has BPD, depression, anxiety, etc. and it is soo challenging.

I too have felt like why in the world am I always her target, feeling that everything is taken out on me! Guess what, it's because I am the 1 constant in her life; she knows she is unconditionally loved and I will NEVER turn my back or give up on the challenges we face.  She too was in extreme internal pain and was suffering terribly (you can get better).

One of my d's therapists said if we all just make a small change, a big difference can be made and she's right!  It is great that you both came to the site to get input from others whom are in similar situations and do not have a horse in your race (so to speak).  It shows you two recognize you need help and are willing to ask for it.

Everyone needs to be heard, uninterrupted. No this does not give either of you right to be disrespectful or to create a shouting match; nothing positive can be accomplished in that way. If you need a "time out", then that is respectable... .let's take a breather and continue the conversation after we've cooled off. NOT stonewall, change the subject, etc. Listen, validate and listen some more. 

My D and I have a code word, which alerts me when her frustration level is high and she isn't feeling safe. This has been extremely helpful,  I take her out of the situation, sometimes just for a ride in the car, usually to the local coffee shop we get a little snack, she doesn't self harm and I follow her lead (if she wants to talk about it or not or if she wants to talk about something totally unrelated). The intensity usually drops, and crisis is adverted.

If you already aren't,  get in with a social worker who can work together as part of your team and assist you in communicating and sorting thru all of this. 

There are many people here that have walked similar paths, situations can improve you just need to make the commitment to each other.  You can do it.

[tristesse]

Hello artmama, Welcome to bpdfamily.

I hear the apprehension in your words and want to say that I am so sorry you are having to feel like that.

Has the move happened yet? How are you doing now?

[Since the move in date is rapidly approaching my daughters anger with me has spiraled and I am frequently the target of her rage. I want to be as loving as I can, but I am feeling constantly beat up with her anger and blaming. I have told her that I will not allow myself to be targeted in that way when she lives with me and will disengage when that happens]

I want to address the issue of your daughters spiraling anger and the rages. If she is a typical BPD, the pending change in daily life has her feeling anxious, and like things are out of her control. While there is never a good excuse for abusive behaviors, it is an explanation. She probably doesn't quite know how to get control of those emotions, and she targets you, well, because you are her parent who will love her even when she is hurtful. you won't leave the relationship, won't abandon her.

You are correct to tell her that it is unacceptable and you will disengage, set boundaries and communicate them to her. There is a host of helpful information here, tools and lessons that will help you learn the best possible way to communicate with your daughter,. I will suggest you start with those, they are on the right side of the board.

Then I believe you should focus on self care, we all need to take for ourselves, and to nurture our own needs, don't let anybody convince you otherwise. Please keep posting and we will be here to listen and advise. The more information you can give , the better we can advise.

Take care

[lbjnltx]

Hi artmama,

Has your daughter moved back in with you yet?  How are you managing?

2 adult women, especially mother and daughter, who are used to living independently and are trying to make it work under the same roof is challenging... .add in BPD and it can be a lot.

We are here for you!

lbj