Not sure anymore what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been with my husband for 15 years. We've been married for 9. When he is happy, he's my best friend. We laugh, he is supportive and helpful. When he's not, he verbally abuses me. He calls me stupid and screams for hours making me cry. Our sex life is not great. He is not always an equal participant and many times freaks out, especially if he has been drinking. Still he insists on having sex almost every night. If I say no, he gets really upset that I don't love him or feels guilty and freaks about wanting it too much.

I've always just kind of dealt with it because his good moments are really good, and he was willing to seek help. Over the last year, he's refused to seek help, and honestly his verbal abuse during outbursts is wearing me down. I would never consider leaving during his good times. He's wonderful, but how much criticism and abuse do I take before I say enough is enough. I'm so confused.

[Jlh77]

I've been with my husband for 15 years. We've been married for 9. When he is happy, he's my best friend. We laugh, he is supportive and helpful. When he's not, he verbally abuses me. He calls me stupid and screams for hours making me cry. Our sex life is not great. He is not always an equal participant and many times freaks out, especially if he has been drinking. Still he insists on having sex almost every night. If I say no, he gets really upset that I don't love him or feels guilty and freaks about wanting it too much.

I've always just kind of dealt with it because his good moments are really good, and he was willing to seek help. Over the last year, he's refused to seek help, and honestly his verbal abuse during outbursts is wearing me down. I would never consider leaving during his good times. He's wonderful, but how much criticism and abuse do I take before I say enough is enough. I'm so confused.

[ArleighBurke]

Jlh,

Firstly: WELCOME! There are many people here who will be able to listen, understand and hopefulyl help you.

I'm sorry you are in the situation you are. Many here are in, or have been in, the same place.

Things CAN get better!

Learning to live with a BPD partner is a long process, but there are many techniques to allow you to stop being worn down, recharge and get the most out of your relationship. Unfortunately it will never be "normal" - there will always be times when he will disregulate - but the techniques should make these bursts less often, and make you better able to deal with them.

Read this site about Validation. It's a communication technique that may help reduce the anger and arguements. There are lessons and examples on how to use it.

Is your husband officially diagnosed? Is he in therapy? Do you have children in the house?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Jlh77:  
I'd like to join ArleighBurke with welcoming you!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your husband. 

Has he always been this way, or have things gotten worse over the years?  Has he ever been treated for a mental illness before, perhaps for anxiety or depression (any family history)?

There are a lot of good communication skills and techniques to use.  Some of the links to the right of this post could be helpful.  I've added some links below that you might want to review:

Here is one on BOUNDARIES

This one addresses circular arguments (JADE)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

This link is to a 3-minute video on ending conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

If you aren't in therapy, it might be helpful for you to start your own therapy.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jlh77, Welcome!  It is confusing.  Your situation is quite familiar to me.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone, believe me.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years (separated after 13) so I know where you are coming from.  The place to start, in my view, is with yourself.  Be good to yourself.   Put yourself first for a change.  Think about what you want, about what is acceptable to you.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Each person has to find his/her way through the BPD forest, in my view.  It's about you finding your path again.

LuckyJim