Divorce with my BPD wife.

[Mikeyboy]

 I hope I am in the right place to post this introductory post.

 I have been married to my wife for 7 years. I have three children with my wife. One is the oldest  and he is my stepson from her 1st marriage. I have another son with her and a daughter with her. All the children are under the age of ten. We own a nice home together. The kids are very bright and active and so far in life haven't had much to worry about except the goldfish dying. I have enjoyed a decent relationship with her parents and her brother and his wife, and her cousins. They are all good people in my opinion and they always seemed to give me a fair shot.

Maybe a few facts to get started.
-First, I love my wife. I have been tested to the limits of my being at times.
-I believe my wife is mentally ill. I love her and don't say this except that its true.
-She does have a history of mental illness in her family. Her grandmother on her mothers
 side was actually in a mental hospital for at least a few years if I remember the story
 correctly and I do believe her mom has some issues beyond what is average or normal based
 on what her father told me about on a few occasions.
-My wife takes generic Zoloft and has on and off for years except when pregnant and nursing.
-I believe she has some sort of BPD and I have thought so for at least two years.
-I have asked her a couple of times if she felt she was sick or needed help. I don't know if I 
 asked in the "correct way" but I feel like I did in a loving kind respectful and caring way.
-My wife has never said sorry to me except maybe twice since I have known her.
-My wife is a habitual liar, extremely two faced, and very disloyal. These are mainly in the
 avenues of social interaction such as non stop gossip and constant new, shallow, and    short lived friendships. Social media is her main addiction
-My wife is intelligent and educated. She is extremely creative and artistic. She has a great sense of style and is very charming.
-She had a good job when we met and were married. We started having children. She
 stayed home. She was an awesome mother and made our household run once our income
 was cut in half. Later I learned just how dysfunctional she was at work.
-I married the most beautiful woman in the world. She is so naturally gorgeous. Her smile
 is to never be forgotten. She is seductive and alluring in all the typical BPD ways.

I know there is more but I'm not a professional writer. Here is a quick outline of where things are today with us.
Things started getting really bizarre in 2015. We had our share of marital issues the whole marriage but 2015 was coming to a head. She was on social media nonstop. I was working full time and coming home and doing more than my share of the cooking and cleaning. I was always an awesome husband in that way. I always did more than my share of work around the house as a maid cook and handy man. I am a good father but I obviously didn't have the same time to put into it as she did because she did stay home. By early 2016 our problems were manifested differently. She wasn't sleeping in our bed. Sex was becoming almost non existent. She would be up on the phone, mainly texting, all night while the kids and I slept. No hi, bye, how are you, anything. Finally in early spring I asked what was wrong. She told me anything and everything she could think of as to why she wanted a divorce. There were a few things that I feel like every marriage has at times but the majority of it was just statements to demoralize me so much as to get me to leave. She basically asked me to step away from her the children and our home. I told her I'm not leaving the things I love most in the world. One week later I come home to find that she filed for divorce on her own and wanted me to sign it. I again told her I have no intentions of leaving anything and that if she wanted a divorce I cant stop her. I continued staying in the house. I worked, paid the bills, cooked, cooked, cleaned and whatever else it took just to get through the day. She would go out one night a week for about 5 hours. I came home from work one day and her the children and even the dog were gone. I found out that evening she had filed a VPO (victims protection order). It was denied by the judge. I was still in the home and had already contacted an attorney because I was scared at this point. Within a week and a half she filed an emergency restraining order. The hearing was just a couple of days away. The hearing went better than I thought in that the emergency restraining order wasn't granted but I was told by the judge to leave my home. Her and the children were to live there temporarily. The big hit during the hearing was hearing about all the abuse I did to both her and the children mainly during the last 2 years of our marriage. Some of the stuff she was claiming I did were just bizarre and would've landed me in jail a hundred times over. So the summer starts. I'm able to see my two biological kids (50-50 through summer) and start paying support and alimony until we have a temporary order hearing that my attorney filed which will be late summer. I find out, through kids talking, that a man has been over the house on a regular basis. I think I know who he is. I can go into that later.

I believe my wife has every intention of divorcing me. She became extremely hateful and accusatory once I wouldn't just walk away. She is seeing someone less than one month into the divorce and has him around the children. I believe she knew him before and I have my reasons why. The neighbors have been told I roughed her up then packed my stuff and said I'm not coming back so therefore abandoning her. Obviously not true but I think you can see the story she's crafted about the abused housewife left without any money for her and her children. This is all to safe face from having lied to get me removed from my own home so she can move on with her life in a new direction.

[Mikeyboy]

 Since she left and filed a vpo then  restraining order she has had zero contact with me. Outside of the physical abuse she falsely accused me of she also claims that I continually harassed her on the phone and texting since she filed. She has not shown herself when I pick up and drop off the kids. I have not contacted her except to tell her I'm about to bring them or pick them up. She has completely shut me out. I realize she thinks she is moving on and that's the typical behavior but I'm still amazed at how absolute of a job she has done in just pretending I don't exist. I do think she was talking to and spending a few evenings out with another man in the last month we were in our home together. I want to say she slept with him just because of her behavior but I am starting to accept the fact I will never know the truth. The whole experience dealing with her through her attorney has been nothing but lies, although effective, and is designed just to wear me out which I admit has caused me to have thoughts on giving up the legal fight with her. The abuse allegations were investigated by the authorities and nothing was found. I asked for the children to have their own attorney and the judge granted that. I do think its obvious to anyone who looks at all the documentation that she is lying. The ruthlessness still amazes me. My wife knows I'm not anything she claims I am but I think she's doing it just to destroy me and validate her actions and attempt to keep herself from looking back at herself.

[Makersmarksman]

I would recommend picking up and reading the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.  It will define pretty clearly her behavior, telegraph her actions and give you practical tools with with you can handle your situation. I understand that its hard for you to understand, to in fact believe she could be acting this way towards you but after reading the book you will not only understand, you will be prepared for all the punches yet to come.

[ForeverDad]

A few general comments... .

Now that your spouse has made such emphatic allegations, it is very unlikely she will recant and try to get back together.  Not that it can't happen but unlikely.  And even if she did, would you want her back after (1) she made public/legal allegations of DV and child abuse and (2) has jumped into another relationship?  Even if you have deep religious convictions about marriage, that could be infidelity that is a religious basis for divorce.

Depending on the level on conflict, you may decide it better to have exchanges at a neutral location such as a restaurant, parking lot or even the local police station.

The older child is not considered by the court to be your child.  That's sad, but unless you adopted the child the courts usually stick to the legal concept that another man is the father.

My divorce took nearly two years.  (Our cases usually last 1 to 2 years.)  My then-stbEx had such a favorable temp order that she delayed the case as much as she could.  She never would agree to a reasonable settlement, she was too entitled and too in control.  However, courts prefer settlements and even our cases can surprise us with a settlement.  Just seldom early in the case.  Mine was at the very end of the divorce process, mediation had failed, settlement conference had failed, but on Trial Day she reversed and agreed to settle on less unfair terms.

[Mikeyboy]

Thank you very much for the book recommendation. I will order it.

[Mikeyboy]

Yes she has jumped into another relationship. The man she is seeing is a city employee. He oversaw some grant work done on our property. I met him a couple of times and had a few phone conversations with him as well. He has been professionally documented at my house with his vehicle etc. When he goes to my marital home he backs into the driveway so as to hide the tag from street view. The only way to see the tag is to walk up behind the truck and look between the bumper and the wooden stockade fence hes backed extremely close to. If you want to hide his identity park in the garage and she can park outside the garage. The garage is two car but I have a lot of building materials in there from projects I was intending to do while still in the house. My wife isn't trying to hide the fact someone is there, she is trying to hide the fact of who it is because she knows I know who it is once I see, and now saw, his face. They never go out. She has him over every night of the week that the children are with me. He used to come over when the kids were with her as well but recently has changed his visits to when the kids aren't there. He comes over and never actually stays the night but is there long enough. I'm sitting here watching all this happen while she emails me asking for some random meaningless item from our marriage in a nice and concerning email. I really believe she is ill. The fact she is in our home, on our couch, in our bed with this man is really surreal. He has a pretty large beer belly which is odd because my wife thinks its one of the most unattractive features a man has. I really feel she has downgraded both with his physical appearance and economic status. I just thought I would throw that in there. I will be talking to the Guardian attorney about him and we will be introducing him into the court minutes according to my attorney.

[Mikeyboy]

This may sound pathetic but I'm using this for discussion purposes as well as a journal of sorts.

I know for a fact as I sit here while my children are in bed at my temporary residence that he is over at my house with my wife. I was told by my 6 year old son that my stepson plays on his xbox one all night which was a present from my wifes boyfriend. Before this my son stepson was in ballet and had two dedicated parents supporting him in every aspect of his life, school, dance, reading, exercise, everything. Now hes moved into our "game" room in the house because he just plays a certain video game all the time. I consider myself pretty mentally tough and yet this has challenged me at times. I just don't get it. I still ask why. The best thing I have going for me is I have done this with complete integrity honesty and I have had zero contact with her.

I feel sometimes she is worried about the judge and its making her more desperate and unstable.
I had an odd thought last night that I want to get her, and therefore myself, drug tested.
I'm realizing more and more that she just wants to stay home as much as possible but wont mind working if its a "fun" job that requires little actual production so she can have enough money to keep the latest model smartphone and to go shopping. She expects her man to provide the real work and the fruits of that.
My yard was the best on the block. Now the lawn is going down hill and one of the many trees I planted is half dead due to the lack of just a few minutes watering here and there. The material aspect of the lawn isn't that important but I put a lot of joy and work into that yard with my kids and sometimes she actually helped as well.

Please someone tell me is all this stuff with BPD just something we tell ourselves to make sense of these women and men or is this for real? I'm only 2.5 months into this and I'm stable but I do fluctuate between the thoughts of my own and wether I trust them or not at times.

My wife is very social. She seems to have become a slight recluse at least compared to her normal behavior over the years. She doesn't attend her exercise classes anymore, They stay up late and sleep into the late morning hours. She doesn't take the kids out very often. I'm realy worried shes going to get married again right away and take my kids along for that ride.

enough for now thanks