I'm making myself sick with this. I want out but I havn't or won't move forward.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Many many many times I have been asked on here and from others "So what keeps you from leaving if you want to so bad?"  I honestly can't figure that out and I am making myself sick trying to find out how to leave and why I don't.  I take my free time and read up on how to stand up for myself, or how to separate or how to stop being a doormat. Its almost becoming an obsession.

Why do I stay? I don't get why this question is so difficult.
Why do I want to leave? This question has so many answers.
I hate being treated poorly and disrespected. I want to be independent. I want to see my family. I want to be able to make my own decisions without fear of making her angry. I don't want to be told I am hated but at the same time needed. I hate being expected to be responsible for someone else's feelings when I know that isn't possible. Yet I try anyway. I hate being the one that has to end up making decisions and then being told it was the wrong one. I hate feeling like every option I have will only make her mad. I hate that I do a lot and I mean a lot for her and she still hates me. I hate being asked if I will come back if I am only going to get up to get a glass of water. (Like I am going to say I'm thirsty then get in the car and drive to the other side of the planet. Hmm wonder if that is actually possible because I would like that very much  )

I could keep going on but you get it.

[Cipher13]

Many many many times I have been asked on here and from others "So what keeps you from leaving if you want to so bad?"  I honestly can't figure that out and I am making myself sick trying to find out how to leave and why I don't.  I take my free time and read up on how to stand up for myself, or how to separate or how to stop being a doormat. Its almost becoming an obsession.

Why do I stay? I don't get why this question is so difficult.
Why do I want to leave? This question has so many answers.
I hate being treated poorly and disrespected. I want to be independent. I want to see my family. I want to be able to make my own decisions without fear of making her angry. I don't want to be told I am hated but at the same time needed. I hate being expected to be responsible for someone else's feelings when I know that isn't possible. Yet I try anyway. I hate being the one that has to end up making decisions and then being told it was the wrong one. I hate feeling like every option I have will only make her mad. I hate that I do a lot and I mean a lot for her and she still hates me. I hate being asked if I will come back if I am only going to get up to get a glass of water. (Like I am going to say I'm thirsty then get in the car and drive to the other side of the planet. Hmm wonder if that is actually possible because I would like that very much  )

I could keep going on but you get it.

[Wize]

 I honestly can't figure that out and I am making myself sick trying to find out how to leave and why I don't.

We stay because of the benefits we get.  That's why we do anything.  If it was all bad it would be easy to leave.  I can't speak for anyone else but, I stayed for so long because I love her and I remembered those extreme highs, that intense love and connection we shared.  It felt so very real, but the fact is, it was just a fantasy.  When we're painted white, pwBPD have a way of making us feel like the most important, valuable people on earth.  But there's no stability, there's so much abuse and in the end, it simply won't work. 

Cipher, you listed all the reasons you have to leave.  Logically and rationally you know the relationship is doomed.  Emotionally you don't want to leave.  You need to let logic rule on this one.  Like a dying, infected limb it's time to amputate.

[byfaith]

Hi Cipher,
There is a deep core issue within yourself that you need to somehow locate and begin dealing with. I know what mine is. I have located it. Now I have to deal with it. It is not easy.

Do you have any idea what your root issue is? You described here what your problems are but what makes you let yourself become this person and remain in an abusive marriage?

You are driving yourself crazy. I am not sure what to tell you at this point other than you are going to have to find out who you are and then deal with it.

Look back on your childhood. I am not saying to blame someone but what is it that formed the person you are now?

I hope you find some peace and a clearer path.

[byfaith]

I agree with Wize.

But from all of your posts I hear nothing that sounds like there are any type of benefits?

I hope for your sake though if you do end up leaving this marriage that you at least begin to understand what it is that makes you do the things you do.

[Cipher13]

Do you have any idea what your root issue is?

Here is the closest thing I have come up with. I am a people pleaser and do not want to let anyone down. Very early on in out relationship when it was getting serious (it go serious a little too fast now that I look back on it) she asked what kind of relationship I wanted. I said one that lasts and stays for a long time. And in that conversation she let me know her past of all those previous men that have let her down and were selfish and all that. So I was determined to not be like them and stick through thick and thin. Even through al the red flags. Even at the very first time she wanted to break things off in our early relationships I to was thinking "you time to get out". But nope I begged and pleaded to keep this relationship not wanting to seem like I give or that I never cared. It is how I still behave. I know she is the type that doesn't want to be left alone to do things alone. So if she say "I'll go I guess and you can stay here. " My gut says yes that's  good idea. My mind says not its a trap she wants you to go. And when I have listen to my gut the guilt brigade comes out and I end up going anyway.

[Meili]

Is it possible that there is something that caused you to be a people pleaser and not let others down when it is to your own detriment?

[Cipher13]

I've tried to rack my brain about where and when I became this people pleaser. Either I need to be put under a deep hypnosis to recall it or it just isn't there for me. I do know this. I'm every single romantic relationship I have forked over my sense of personal identity to the girlfriend. More so with the ones that have had stronger personalities.

[byfaith]

what was your FOO like? (Family of origin)

This is where the foundation for my issues were established. Me shutting down when dealing with certain situations can be traced back to how I dealt with seeing and hearing my dad beat my mom, them hollering and screaming at one another. As I grew older I was a pawn in my mom and dads issues between one another after they were divorced. I look back and there was always an issue between the two with what was being provided financially I guess I formed guilt feelings onto myself. It goes deeper than this but you get the point.

What we have to do is dig down deep to understand these things but then the harder part is dealing with them as an adult and putting all of those things into the proper perspective so we can have healthy relationships. Easier said than done.

[Cipher13]

what was your FOO like? (Family of origin)

I've gone down this road in T before a few times to figure this out. There is nothing there that I would think would be a source for how I am. To be honest my parents have a super (and almost ideal) relationship. They communicate well. They are open and approachable. My mom might be a little more optimistic than the most individuals but that's about as destructive as I can find in my past. I was never over nor under punished. My father is more assertive than I am and my mother might be as complaisant as I tens to be maybe. There is not form of abuse I can recall. Like I said unless I need hypnosis to recall it I just don't know if its there.

[Waddams]

I can't speak for everyone, or even if this is your issue.  However, I had some FOO issues that honestly required me to learn to almost reparent myself before I was able to overcome them.

I had a massive fear of letting people down.  I thought I had to be this iron man and never falter.  It never occurred to me that there was a caveat to that statement in that I thought I had to be this iron man and never falter for other people and I took it to the extreme where I was faltering for myself.  It was so simple, but once I realized I wasn't faltering for other people but instead they were faltering for themselves and me, and there was nothing I could do about it, it changed my way of thinking.

If/when you leave, you aren't letting your wife down.  You aren't failing her.  She has already failed herself and she's doing it on a big enough scale that she is allowing her own failure to negatively affect you.  That's the cold hard truth.  She has gaslighted you into believing otherwise - that you are the problem. 

Deep down you know that's not true, but you've got yourself convinced you have to fix things so she sees the truth.  You think you have to fix her.  However, you didn't break her.  You can't fix her.

For me, I ended up thinking of myself as having different parts - one was almost an "inner 5 year old child" deep down and that's where all the emotions came from.  Then I had an adult self, someone that parented that 5 year old inside me, comforted him, etc.  I imagined adult me leading the way and leading that 5 year old deep down through hard things I needed to do, with comfort and love and support directed at myself (that whole self care thing - like going and getting myself and ice cream before I went home after work).  It worked for me, anyway.  Still does.

And that brings me to the summary point - self care.  If you want to rebuild the strength to leave and protect yourself, you have to start exercising self care. Nobody else is gonna do it.  Start caring for yourself in little ways, next thing you know, you're doing it in bigger ways, then all the sudden you find yourself getting stronger and stronger.  And you start to feel the ridiculuousness when she has a cow about it, and you use your new strength to hold boundaries and take action for yourself.

[Cipher13]

but you've got yourself convinced you have to fix things so she sees the truth

Waddams that is 100% spot on. I do have myself convinced I have to fix things (also she tells me I have to fix things so that adds to it) and I am doing all the extra things to get her attention and say hey he's really going beyond the norm for me and I expect too much from him.  It is if I am doing all of these things prove to her that they are beyond what an average person would do for someone they care about.

I was surprised last night when she actually washed the dishes while I was working on a home improvement project in our bathroom. When I heard her washing them my mind told me to make sure I acknowledge her for doing them. Before I could even get the words out she needed to let me know in her own way she had washed the dishes aren't you so proud of me? I kept my comments and was appreciative. I do them to keep from arguing because we at one point agreed to share the work load at some point.  This is more of a slight rant sorry about that. 

[HopefulDad]

Cipher, you've made the key first step: acknowledgement.  Any next steps will come when you are ready.  Ready has no firm timetable.

[earlgrey]

Cipher Hi there, I am going through pretty much the same thing.

The bit I am now getting, that is really helping me, is seeing I exist, and this is VERY difficult. And very nebulous.

Just being able to understand you/me/us actually have a vote, a thought, a feeling.

I've never been able to grasp that; it has always been important to see others' needs.

When eventually you can say this is me, I exist, you can slowly begin to make choices.

I know it is all very personal, but this is how it is developing for me.