Again

[penny52]

My undiagnosed BPD daugher (27) is at it again,  she just called me and said that her live-in boyfriend beat her up and broke her arm (she has another man on the side also) and she doesn't know where to go since they were getting ready to buy a home and her lease will be done.  This is happened before and in the end we found out he didn't do anything so I'm not sure how to handle this, I did say her and the kids could come here and stay but I'm very anxious about this for reasons I'm sure most of you are aware of, she is very messy, arguments, no thought of watching the kids while she is here ect... .she also has 3 dogs, I said only one of them could stay. The icing on the cake is my mother is dying, so I have been driving to sit with her when I can.I have been following the lessons from this site and books so it has been fairly calm for me lately , I set my boundaries and have been keeping them. I guess I'm just venting. I love my daughter but have a hard time spending more then a couple of hours with her. I'm a widow so helping with expenses would not be possible so I can't even help her with rent. She hasn't worked for 6 years and just lives off money from the state and whatever child care money she can get. And she always has some terrible illness that seems to just disappears after awhile, thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

So sorry to hear this,  when gc are involved it is to much more hard.  what to do and how to do it thats good that you told her they could come and only one dog . Sending prayers things work out for you and family 

[RunningWithScissors]

Penny52 - Just chiming in to offer support.  We're hear to listen so please vent whenever you need to.

I'm sorry you're in another crisis situation that's not within your control.  I suggest the best advice now is to do just what you're doing - identify what you're willing to do to help, let your daughter know, and stick to those boundaries.

My step-son careened from crisis to crisis for several years  - it felt like being on an emotional rollercoaster.  Until my husband and I stepped off the rollercoaster and decided what we were willing to do, the chaos continued.  Not easy to do, particularly when you get a call from your underage child that he's been beat up and is living out of a backpack on the streets!   Usually, any suggestion we offered was dismissed so we learned to simply ask questions i.e. 'So what are you going to do?  What options do you have?  What can you do right now to make things a bit better?'.  Each time the chaos cycle started, we stepped back and let our son know that while he had our support and we would help him find resources, we would not rescue him.

In your situation, you've already set some limits.  You might consider identifying time limits to your offer of taking in the kids and a dog, such as keeping them for 30 days only.  And, you may need to identify what happens at the end of the time limit such as 'I will drop the kids off with you and take the dog to the animal shelter' - but ensure you will stick to whatever limits you establish.  If she needs to move, you could direct her to affordable housing options or shelters, but let her contact them.   And validate, validate, validate - it's a tough time for everyone!

Good luck!

[penny52]

Thanks for listening, I too, decided to step off the roller-coaster a couple of months ago, I just try to be there for the granddaughters. The tip about the time limit is a great idea, I really doubt if she will stay with me anyway, she hated the rules I setup last time she talked about moving in. The boyfriend did get in touch with me today and said she agreed to counseling, so we'll see, I have heard that one before, so fingers crossed, maybe this time she will go!