Her sickness is my sickness.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is my first post, however, I have been reading post and the site for some time now.  I am at a place where my wife and I teeter between separation for periods of time and then see each other for short periods of time but in my opinion, she always sabotages any sort of gains we make.

A quick synopsis of my story is my wife and I have been in a relationship since 99' and married for almost eleven years.  Our relationship always had its' troubles, but during the years we had therapy and worked at it, I felt we were a solid healthy couple. About 4 years ago my wife began to withdrawal from our relationship, drink (which she had quit), and shortly after I caught her pursuing another man. Shortly afterward, she moved out and got her own apartment. Her relationship with him wasn't a normal affair--an emotional one (which makes it worse in my opinion), from what I could tell. Ultimately I would come to learn I believe she was going through the idealization phase with him and devaluation with me.  I outed their relationship to his wife and it was over.  About this same time, I was watching a TV show that described this woman and her problems and stated she was a BPD. The description sounded just like my wife and my interest in BPD began.

My wife told me the reasons she left and what she was unhappy with me about, so I worked on myself and she ended up coming back home.  Shortly after she had an epiphany and decided she had a drinking problem and would go to rehab.  Our insurance would only pay for a outpatient substance abuse program and not the all inclusive inpatient rehab, that includes the mental counseling she needed. My wife got better for a short period of time, but after about 8 months started to act erratic and combative and a couple of months later I discovered she had began drinking.  She again moved out and that was 15 months ago. We have had many on and off periods during that time. My wife has abandoned all of her obligations we acquired together. From the countless hours of reading and research, I believe without a doubt my wife has BPD and she refuses to accept it or at least admit it to me or seek counseling to get a true diagnosis.  Even though since I've introduced the possibility to her, occasionally she will bring up an example of someone else being BPD.  Also based off of classic BPD symptoms, I believe these feelings that she cannot cope with drives her to drink to alleviate the pain.

She goes through these periods where she misses me and wants to hang out with me and spend time at our home.  Then suddenly she will go recluse. At this point she is so erratic, refuses to seek help, and I have went through this for so long; I am at the point I think I know what needs to happen and have no more contact with her, but to stay steadfast and focused has been another challenge.  I truly love her, but she has deteriorated her and that is her first love now. The last challenging thing is that we both work for the same company. I don't have to see her most days at work, but I do occasionally have to see her.

[RealizationBPD]

This is my first post, however, I have been reading post and the site for some time now.  I am at a place where my wife and I teeter between separation for periods of time and then see each other for short periods of time but in my opinion, she always sabotages any sort of gains we make.

A quick synopsis of my story is my wife and I have been in a relationship since 99' and married for almost eleven years.  Our relationship always had its' troubles, but during the years we had therapy and worked at it, I felt we were a solid healthy couple. About 4 years ago my wife began to withdrawal from our relationship, drink (which she had quit), and shortly after I caught her pursuing another man. Shortly afterward, she moved out and got her own apartment. Her relationship with him wasn't a normal affair--an emotional one (which makes it worse in my opinion), from what I could tell. Ultimately I would come to learn I believe she was going through the idealization phase with him and devaluation with me.  I outed their relationship to his wife and it was over.  About this same time, I was watching a TV show that described this woman and her problems and stated she was a BPD. The description sounded just like my wife and my interest in BPD began.

My wife told me the reasons she left and what she was unhappy with me about, so I worked on myself and she ended up coming back home.  Shortly after she had an epiphany and decided she had a drinking problem and would go to rehab.  Our insurance would only pay for a outpatient substance abuse program and not the all inclusive inpatient rehab, that includes the mental counseling she needed. My wife got better for a short period of time, but after about 8 months started to act erratic and combative and a couple of months later I discovered she had began drinking.  She again moved out and that was 15 months ago. We have had many on and off periods during that time. My wife has abandoned all of her obligations we acquired together. From the countless hours of reading and research, I believe without a doubt my wife has BPD and she refuses to accept it or at least admit it to me or seek counseling to get a true diagnosis.  Even though since I've introduced the possibility to her, occasionally she will bring up an example of someone else being BPD.  Also based off of classic BPD symptoms, I believe these feelings that she cannot cope with drives her to drink to alleviate the pain.

She goes through these periods where she misses me and wants to hang out with me and spend time at our home.  Then suddenly she will go recluse. At this point she is so erratic, refuses to seek help, and I have went through this for so long; I am at the point I think I know what needs to happen and have no more contact with her, but to stay steadfast and focused has been another challenge.  I truly love her, but she has deteriorated her and that is her first love now. The last challenging thing is that we both work for the same company. I don't have to see her most days at work, but I do occasionally have to see her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RBPD, Welcome!  The description of your r/s has many hallmarks of BPD.  Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes, so you are not alone, believe me.  BPD is incredibly complex and challenging for the Non.  How can we help?  Do you have any particular questions?  Just posting on this Board, in my view, is a step in the right direction.

LuckyJim

[ForeverDad]

Do you have children?  If you don't have children, then you don't have to worry about the complicated custody issues and parenting schedules.

Living with a person with BPD (pwBPD) has had many comparisons made.  One is roller coasters.  At first when you ride a roller coaster you're thrilled but the constant and repeated ups and downs soon can give you a headache and even make you queasy ill.  Compare your periodic separations as times you came into the station and got off the roller coaster.  However, until now you've gotten back onto the ride before long.  For the same ups and downs.

So would it be appropriate to ask whether you're wanting to get back on the roller coaster cycles — and for how many more times?

I sometimes refer to "Staying" and "Staying For Now", my personal descriptions.  The difference?  Staying means the other person is making solid progress so the former chaos and dysfunction are so much reduced that a healthy future together is a realistic expectation.  Yes, there can be setbacks, but the overall direction is positive.  On the other hand, Staying For Now indicates you aren't sure which way things will go.  It's that interim time when, now that you know what you're dealing with, you try to learn communication skills, coping skills, improved boundaries and most importantly make practical attempts to get your spouse into progressing therapy.  By educating yourself you can make more informed and more confident decisions.  By using smart techniques to introduce your spouse to counseling, you may get different results than before.

However, there's only so much one person can do to turn an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship into a healthy, functional one.  It takes two working together to make a relationship work and only one to make it fail.  So, do you think she's had enough time for you to determine whether she will improve enough to support the marriage.  With the information you've learned thus far, is there any reason to make new attempts and see how they turn out?  That's for you to ponder and decide.

[VitaminC]

At this point she is so erratic, refuses to seek help, and I have went through this for so long; I am at the point I think I know what needs to happen and have no more contact with her, but to stay steadfast and focused has been another challenge.  

Hi Realization,

you are welcome here. I am glad you have decided to post and talk with us. Members here have a many experiences of their own that will resonate with yours. We help each other and try to do so responsibly and mindfully. And the site has some excellent resources, as you'll know if you've been looking around for a while.

It sounds as if you are working very hard to understand, support, motivate, and accept. Would that be a correct summary? I am struck by your desire to remain "steadfast". It's an honorable concept, isn't it? Please tell us steadfast in what way and to what?

It also seems to me that you are focussed on getting your wife into treatment. When someone close to us is erratic like that, and visibly damaging themselves, it can be very hard to stand and watch.  Have you seen this information?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy
It's a good article to review, even if you've read it before. Is that helpful for your particular situation?

How about you? How are you taking care of yourself during all this? What do you think you need right now?

[RealizationBPD]

Thanks for the reply Forever Dad & Vitamin C.  I like that analogy about the rollercoaster, I will keep that in mind.  No I do not have any children. Also I would say that I'm in the staying for now category, as she hasn't sought any recent help.  She was in therapy over two years ago, but relapsed badly. She recently left on vacation for three weeks and went back home to her parents in another state. The day before she left we had gotten along great. She had came over to our house because I was going to watch her dog while she was gone. The day after she arrived home, I called her to see how she was doing and without going into to detail, based on some slight, she got nasty hung up on me and wouldn't respond when I called back or texted.  At that point I decided that I didn't want to expose myself emotionally to her drama and didn't try to contact her. For twelve days, she never contacted me, not even to check on her dog.  Then suddenly on the 12 day, she attempted to contact me. After I didn't respond the first couple of times, she got aggressive and started calling every hour or so, sent multiple text and even tried to contact me on our work instant message system. She would leave messages about how sorry she was and that she loved and missed me, etc.  I felt like I was seeing the full cycle of devaluation turn in to an attempt to avoid abandonment.  She came home 2 days ago and is suddenly open and reflective on her life.  She told me that her parents told her that they think that she needs help and that they wish she would work things out with me as they think I'm good for her.  However, she is not fully open when I talk about certain topics, number one is her alcoholism. Her mother has been in contact with me and has been very candid about their family history and that she believes my wife needs help and has asked me to try to be there for my wife. I talked to her last night and I could tell she had been drinking.  I'm not so sure she is really wanting to get help and that this is just an expansion of attempting to avoid abandonment and she is just telling me what I want to hear.  This disorder really sucks and is so hard to understand how someone can make a simple life so complicated. 

VC to answer your question about being steadfast. What I meant was that I'm trying to not get sucked into the drama and for the most part not have much contact with her. My attitude is that our relationship cannot work unless she addresses her mental health concerns and alcoholism. I'm at a point since she has come home where she has expressed that she might be ready for help. I will read the article that you linked later when I get home tonight. You asked what have I been doing to take care of myself. The main thing is keeping busy, mainly with work as I have long days. 

Thank you all for taking the time and giving me insight.