Vent, 16 year old without license took my car in middle of night

[DisneyMom]

So my 16 year old BPD DD came home on time last night before her curfew, got ready for bed, and then came upstairs to my bedroom saying she felt a little sad and lonely (after being out with friends for hours). So I put down my book and invited her to sit with me and watch some of the olympics on TV and I'd keep her company. She wanted a bottled water. I have them in a locked area downstairs so I offered to go get her one. A short time later, her mood seemed fine. She said "good night, I am going to my room now to try and get some sleep" Now, there was something inside me that just KNEW something was up. Because there is a history of her making little announcements using words she knows I want to hear to manipulate me into feeling comfortable before sneaking around and breaking rules. Still, I went to bed because she didn't seem in one of those unsafe or fuzzy moods that come before she has a cutting incident. I thought at worst, she is going to open her window up and smoke a cigarette.

The next morning I see there has been constant phone activity on her phone on our verizon log until 4:30 in the morning. Still, not too unusual for her. Later in the morning I went to give my younger DD a ride someplace and thought, that's odd. I was sure I parked my car in front of my van on the street. Now it was behind the van. Then I turned on the engine. It smelled, the engine light lit up, and my nearly full gas tank was on empty. I covered my suspicions in front of my younger DD, and used our other vehicle to drive her. Once home, I dashed upstairs. My DH's key was missing off his nightstand. My DH is out of the country right now on business. I woke up DD, emptied her purse and asked her for the key and what happened to my car? She produced the key and did not deny taking it. Why? She said it was purely impulsive, because she was just bored, she didn't even have a destination or plan in mind, she was just bored. I'm sure there's more to the story. Her first version was she just drove around the block and I said that would not use up a tank of gas, then her story changed.

She will be 17 in Saturday and only has a permit, no driver's license!  She has too much anxiety and executive functioning issues to make the call to schedule her behind the wheel lessons, so she is stalled on being a legal driver. We are not reminding her and begging her to follow through on this. Clearly, she isn't emotionally ready to be responsible with a car anyway.

Now I have to service my mini cooper, again. We've had a lot of service issues with that car recently, and it is very expensive. DD feels bad and wants to pay for it, but she has no money and no job, so she can't pay for it anyway. I'm so angry and hurt by this. I just put my car in the garage, I do not want to see it on the street out my front window, and I am seriously thinking of selling it back to the dealership on Monday. I'm not even able to work right now, and honestly, I hope my DD never sees this car again. I know I don't want to see it.

I probably won't even tell my DH and other DD about this because younger DD is so negatively effected by all the trauma/drama with her BPD sister, that HER mental health is at serious risk. I have to protect her at all costs. DH will just get very mad and we will fight about what to do about it. His reaction would send BPD DD into a tailspin and I will be left dealing with the aftermath. That is NOT worth the stress, you can all probably relate.

Rant over, thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Goodness DisneyMom, vent - so very sorry to hear this – and how you are rightly hurting, angry and frustrated. As you say, clearly your DD isn't emotionally responsible to be in charge of a car and your daughter standing back from completing lessons says it too. Though when bored and impulsive it's absolutely fine ... .

What is the consequence though for such behaviour – what is she learning about understanding the impact her behaviour has and how to change, you say there has been much drama/trauma – is any progress being made? Is keeping this from you H walking on eggshells, and how will your daughter view that …. It’s ok? I understand you protecting your young daughter.

It’s tough, how are you feeling today?   The last car I owned (15 years ago) for some reason was an unhappy one, worth thousands of £s got it picked up and taken away at my cost. Such a relief.

WDx