No contact and feel like going insane

[Skyglass]

It's exactly 6 weeks no contact. I'm on vacation and should be happy as a clam. Or I thought that being on vacation somewhere in a completely different location would have soothed my soul. When I wake up every morning, my eyes tear up and I am consumed with thoughts of Why Why Why. I feel guilt and shame from the final discard. Feel like I wasn't good enough and I failed. If only I could have said something different or acted a different way, proved myself that I loved him by moving in together like he wanted, I wouldn't be in this miserable pain. I refused to take up his offer to move in together after 3.3years of being in a committed relationship. But I wanted him to do it on his own- get his own place- because I felt he needed to prove he could be on his own after he said he had "changed and was a better person" to see if he would remain stable. I was afraid that if we moved in together I would be the one who had to pick up the slack if he something financially were to happen. Plus I already own my own home and I didn't want him clinging to my house as his place to live. Now I feel guilty for not giving him a chance... .If even my therapist says it's wonderful I refused to give in and I kept my boundaries.
While on vacation, I have environmental triggers that set off thoughts of him. For example, 2 movies came out this weekend that he and I had been excited to go see. Of course we are broken up so now there's no way I would even put one foot into a movie theater for a very long time. That's one thing we really liked to do together- have a movie date night. Other triggers like songs I hear that were his favorite and his we had the exact same musical taste. Things I miss sharing.
Im so hurt and so disappointed and just wish this pain would go away for good! I am disappointed in that I thought that by now he would have text me 6 weeks later. I feel like I'm going insane with no contact. I play out the scene in my head that I break the NC and I tell him how I know this was part of his long range plan- to devalue and discard me and how he hurt me terrible. Letting him know I have the game all figured out. Then I think about telling him how I love him and how I don't think I'll ever feel the same way about anyone else and how I miss us physically and emotionally. But, I don't contact him. I'm so scared that I will break NC and I know that there's a very good chance he will not be like the guy I use to know. He may reply but it could be cold and unemotional. Or he may not reply at all. I've even gotten close to sending him a naked pick showing him what he's missing b/c I lost 10 more ibs and I'm athletic and toned. One of my friends stopped me from doing that, thank god.
I realize I wasn't giving him the "supply" he wanted toward the last few months together. I was no longer going along with his dreams (some possible delusions). The last things he said to me when he discarded me cut me like a knife. He said "part of me wants to marry you but part of me doesn't" and then the worst thing "part of me wants a woman who can give birth to our own child together." This cut me to the core b/c it was only 3 months prior I had to have a serious surgery that that also impacted my ability to have my own child. But supposedly he was "there for me" this entire time.
I know that he is already out with other women, probably telling them his tale of woe. That he wanted to marry a girl he was with and have a baby but she couldn't have one and oh she wouldn't move in together after 3 years so I had to let her go." And they probably go "awwwwwww, you're such a sweet guy, how could she have done you that way?" All the while omitting how he messed up he throughout the entire relationship and I was his only friend. Lastly he said to me "thanks for helping me to change and be a better person. Now I'm going to get my promotion at work, but my house, have a baby with someone in exactly 2 years and be married, and life is awesome." Yeahhhh awesome. And in pretty sure he's already had sex with someone which makes me want to vomit. I can't imagine myself even having sex with someone else for quite a long time.
And I was doing so well a week ago- with moving on. Keeping busy has been good. But now I keep busy and do all the right things and the thought of him is like crack-cocaine even during those good times now. Ughhhh. I just want to feel good again, whole, me... .
Thanks to whoever has read this. I have really needed to vent and get this out. Thank you soo very much to the awesome community. 

[Mutt]

Hi Skyglass,



I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time on vacation. I had similar thoughts, if I had done certain things differently then perhaps I could have saved the relationship. Do you feel like you're blaming yourself? That's great that you stuck to your boundaries  would it have hurt him to wait a little longer after a 3 year r/s and get his own place sorted out?

[Skyglass]

Yes, I definitely feel like I'm blaming myself. And in so many ways too. Beating myself up about how I could have done something differently and also the reverse of that, which is blaming myself for staying in the relationship for so long. I think you stay in a relationship like this and get use to the battles that ensue till you think it's normal to be in a relationship like that- the roller coaster that never stops.
And yes, it wouldn't have hurt for him to have gotten his own place. That was a "goal post" he moved that we agreed to. He agreed to getting his own place and then moved the "goal post" 3 wks later with an ultimatum of either live with him and pay half the cost or else he was moving on. Good grief! My friends all say it sounds like he wanted a roommate and was very much co-dependent on me. I was the stable one with my own place, make more money, have an established career, etc. It's also about control. He wanted things on his terms and no compromise.
I also did not realize how much of him consumed my life 24hrs a day. I now realize I was on a short leash. Now that I'm free, I'm totally confused and feel like I don't know what I want anymore. It's like wandering around in purgatory just going through the motions.

[Mutt]

Hi Skyglass,

The emotional.rollercoaster fellt like a routine and you feel lost? I recall dreading weekends and vacations because I don't know if my exuBPDw was going to pick a fight with me. I felt like I got used to it and I didn't to want to find myself alone although I hated walking on eggshells.

You have gone for 6 weeks with no contact. That's not easy. The symptoms can feel like you're coming off drugs and alcohol. I think that members will say that the early parts of detachment is the most difficult.

This is a period for self protection and self care, I understand that you feel lost, many of us can relate with that. We're here to make sure that you don't get lost, it's therapeutic to write. You'll find your answers in due time.

[Skyglass]

So true. It definitely seems like this is what coming off of a drug addiction feels like. I have a background in neuroscience and I know that there are chemicals that truly want their fix after a relationship ends. Sometimes it helps to think about it that way. But somehow my emotions still win.
I'm just so tired of thinking about this person all the time. I wish I had never tried that "drug" and kept my distance and just said "no thank you." It's like when the highs were good they were really good in the relationship but when they were low, it was severely low.
And I too walked on eggshells for so long.

[Puzzledpieces]

I could have written this myself, which means my feelings must be fairly normal for this type of situation. I am at 5 weeks no contact but haven't spent any time with him since April.  I felt over the last 2 weeks I was at my strongest, feeling healthier and happier, even took a vacation which kept me really busy and happy that I was in a different location for the time being. Then I came home and I've been kind of down in the dumps with my typical obsessive thinking since then. I agree that it feels like a withdrawal from drugs. The highs and lows we face are intense, and it's truly hard to be understood by the people in your life that dont understand it, unless they've been in this place themselves.  I use to do a lot of Journaling when I felt the need to express feelings, and was pretty proud of myself for a while there as I didn't have to pick the journal up for a bit.  I think a hard part of going thru this is all the questions and debates we have in our heads regarding everything, playing it all back, and not having any answers, at least ones that would make sense.
I have come a long way in regards to reminding myself of the reasons I stayed, and I try to work on myself every single day to make a happier and healthier me. The memories can be haunting though.  I definitely know how you're feeling, I wish I had more words, but please know you aren't alone. Make sure to look after YOU every single day, be gentle with yourself and kind. Someone once asked me here in these forums, when I posted... ."what's in it for you?" And they were pretty powerful words in question that I haven't forgotten since.  Every time I wanted to stop NC I would ask myself that. Unfortunately the recovery process is never as easy or quick as we want it to be, but I'm positive that one day, in time, we will feel better.
Hugs to you xo

[Skyglass]

Wow PuzzledPieces! You really do have almost the same situation. It's so comforting to know others understand. At 6 wks, I can tell the close people in my life are wondering when I'll just get over it already. And I realize that these types of relationships are traumatic and leave you feeling traumatized. It's totally different than a typical breakup.
It is important to ask  "what's in it for you" if I were to break NC. Absolutely nothing except trying to gain closure that wouldn't truly be closure.
Thanks so much for the reply!

[Lilyroze]

Dear Skyglass,

Love that name, as told you before. Look to the sky, see the stars and the whole universe in front of you right now.  You are on vacation, as a fellow empath told me at a retreat once... .reach for the sky baby, hook yourself to a star and if someone wants to go with you as you reach your destiny. Great if not... .then the Universe will give you even better. Hard I know, have to remind myself that with my best friend and silent treatment.

So hard to enjoy while hurting. But here is my gift to you. Open the box slowly, do you see it? Grab it, it is beautiful, your power back. Take it even if just a little bit tonight, and tomorrow to find some joy no matter what. Look for it, ask the Universe for a sign of something to make you smile.  Carpe Diem.

My message to you has to be different then anyones, mainly because we are all unique and have our own qualities, problems or need different advice. But you are on vacation. That doesn't come everyday. Enjoy it while it lasts.

So sorry you are hurting and fully understand  . Sorry about the surgery but the gift of life is still here with you, and you might someday foster, adopt or just be an inspiration for whatever you are to do here on earth at this time. Either way from my seat looking at this, he doesn't deserve you. I know who wants to hear that when hurting, longing, loving, or caring.

 But... .this day, this time shall pass, and soon you will find some joy, happiness, a new path, a new wonder and forget the old hurting you.

Go out tomorrow and enjoy something on vacation you can bring back as a memory. When you get back be grateful for your time away, use it to heal, smile and find peace. Get in nature, surround yourself with some beauty. Find some peace, joy and love within and share it. It will then make someones day as well as yours.

Keep us updated, share, heal and tell me one good thing that happened to you on vacation. Make me want to be there enjoying whatever the area has to share.

Cry it out if you need, punch a pillow, share and rant here, then find just one small thing and embrace it.

Blessings and find peace

[Zinnia21]

I'm a week into no contact and also replay things in my mind. But why is it that the ones who tried so hard (us), are the ones who are searching themselves for things they could've done better? We were already trying everything. What were they doing? They were protecting and preserving themselves at any cost.
I don't mean to blame my ex bitterly, I know it's a disorder. But i certainty wouldn't make up reasons to leave the person I love, and then leave them. Would you?
I can rationalise this idea, but I'm hurting too, and I hear you! It's the worst being somewhere that might cheer you up but then feeling you're back at the start again. Going away can bring you face to face with all your emotions as you're out of your usual surrounds.
By what you've described he sounds unstable to just up and leave because of your request to make sure things were stable. And from my experience, they always make you prove how much you love them and make you pretty much kill yourself trying to please them in the end.

Mine walked out 4 times, for very insane reasons. the first time he came back after 3 weeks and then threw me away again after 3 months. I was so shocked and Hurt. I waited on the sidelines for 3 months to see if I could make positive contact. Worst 3 months of my life! I did get through in the end, but only to find that he still couldn't budge on his bad ideas about me. Tried to start things up again, but I was the one trying, he was the one judging to see whether I was proving myself enough. It should have been the other way round.

And it is awful when you break N/C and they've turned cold and unemotional. I've had that heaps too. Like they forgot all that love you shared... How could they? Would you? No. So they're the ones with the disorder and the issues. And they have this knack of making you feel so worthless and dissatisfactory when they leave. Which causes you to wrestle in your mind "how could I have done things differently?" 

If you've made it through 6 weeks already be proud of that. It sounds like he would've thrown you off his roller coaster at some point anyway.
I feel your pain!
If you feel safer in no contact, stay there. If you break the silence, you break it, happens to the best of us. Whatever you do, whatever happens, none of this is your fault. Their in built mechanism is to push away those close to them. It's not you.

[Puzzledpieces]

Wow PuzzledPieces! You really do have almost the same situation. It's so comforting to know others understand. At 6 wks, I can tell the close people in my life are wondering when I'll just get over it already. And I realize that these types of relationships are traumatic and leave you feeling traumatized. It's totally different than a typical breakup.
It is important to ask  "what's in it for you" if I were to break NC. Absolutely nothing except trying to gain closure that wouldn't truly be closure.
Thanks so much for the reply!

Yes I have a close friend who listened to me go on daily for months. After some time I got the feeling she was getting irritated with me and my stupidity and I stopped talking about it with her. You're right, people see these situations as you'd typical break up but what they don't realize is the manipulation and mind ___s that these people have caused along the way.
I wish I could tell you that I don't check his dating website online status anymore, but I do.  I don't know why, maybe it's become routine for me but I know it's something I need to stop doing to pass where I am at right now in recovery. Mine left me so frazzled that I started to think I was the crazy one, and needed to see a therapist. I had depression and major anxiety and lost a lot of weight and it was noticeable enough that my close circle began to wonder what's up. It's a hard process making thru this journey, never let someone tell you to just get over it, because if it was that easy, we would all be in an amazing place right now.  Feel free to PM any time if you'd like to chat further. It's comforting having support of those who know exactly what you're dealing with.

[insideoutside]

Hey puzzledpieces; I see you're back here too.  I'm also still struggling; its been 14 weeks since his complete radio silence.  Keep trying to tell myself it's his loss as I was an awesome caring friend but it's not working and still stuck in the mindset I wasn't good or worthy enough of his time any further.

[Skyglass]

Thank you so much to all of you that have replied. Wow, when reading the replies I could sincerely feel the warmth radiating out from you all. I'm so grateful to you all for sharing your stories and lending me some support as I sort through this stage.
It was a really rough morning. Had a dream about him. I woke up and thought- great now you have to be in my head when I'm asleep too? Argh! But I was so glad to come back to this board and find wonderful people. It makes a huge difference. I also find when I read something one of you say about my exwBPD such as "he seems unstable" or "doesn't deserve you" it's great b/c it's external validation and not my immediate family/friends just saying what they think i want to hear.

[Mutt]

Hi Skyglass,

It helps to know that you're not going through this alone. I remember that sleep was the only time that I didn't feel pain and I was looking forward to sleep. I would wake up and go to bed and feel pain the entire day. I can see how you had a rough morning.

[Skyglass]

IzzyBusy- thanks for your new reply as well. 14 weeks of radio silence. I think that's what I'm in for as well. I too don't feel like the usual thoughts that I say to myself are working. I am in disbelief that someone could see me as unworthy when I'm one hell of a catch (I think) like most, if not all of us, on this board. I don't know what to tell myself anymore so I can take my power back and own it! I too was doing pretty good and then it's like as time goes on, I realize I need to let go already! I'm moving forward with a bunch of things I'm doing to help ME but it still doesn't seem like it's working. And nothing makes any sense replaying stuff in my head. My brain just keeps trying to make sense of convos 6 wks ago and other things.

[insideoutside]

Thanks skyglass.  I'm devastated to be honest, a push/pull conversation and me losing my temper with it created the end of our friendship.  I told him many times he was special to me and I valued his friendship and he also said nothing would jeopardise it.  Yet he walked out of my life and hasn't looked back.  Like you I keep telling myself I'm too good for him and he doesn't deserve my friendship, as does my sister in law, but negative thoughts creep in and I say to myself I wasn't enough.  I never was 26 years ago so why I thought this time round would be any different is delusional.

[Puzzledpieces]

Hey puzzledpieces; I see you're back here too.  I'm also still struggling; its been 14 weeks since his complete radio silence.  Keep trying to tell myself it's his loss as I was an awesome caring friend but it's not working and still stuck in the mindset I wasn't good or worthy enough of his time any further.

Hey buddy! I just signed on a couple days ago again, it's been a while since I've been on here and I've been feeling ok, but still having some struggles with the detachment. I think it's because I know that come September he will be a familiar face again in my world and there's nothing I can do about it, so it gives me a great deal of anxiety. This site is the only place I find I can turn to that fully understands the feelings we have and the hard times we face. I'm sorry you're still struggling as well. I was going to originally message you and see how you've been.


OP: I haven't had any dreams myself thank goodness but I have always come out of sleep with the same BS on my mind right away, and I relive the nightmare over and over again while I'm awake. Lately I haven't woken to those thoughts right away, which has been nice and shows some progress thus far. But I have a ways to go.

[Puzzledpieces]

I am in disbelief that someone could see me as unworthy when I'm one hell of a catch (I think) like most, if not all of us, on this board. I don't know what to tell myself anymore so I can take my power back and own it! I too was doing pretty good and then it's like as time goes on, I realize I need to let go already!

I'm glad you're thinking in this positive way about yourself! It's very normal to spend a considerable amount of time wondering how someone can treat another human being this way. It's also a big red flag to us that shows us that we aren't dealing with people with healthy emotions. We know that this treatment is wrong and not what people of a healthy mind do, so we struggle in accepting it and understanding it.  Because to us, it makes no sense.
Guaranteed, each of these individuals we are dealing with probably feels a different way we do, like we are the ones that have done something wrong, which is why they aren't in our lives anymore.
I use to receive a lot of silent treatment- it was biweekly and lasted a week and my last one has lasted a few months now and counting, and during this time I've done a lot of reading and researching just to understand it. There is even times when I'm reading that I feel pity for him and want to reach out but I know that it would do me no good. I've given in many times and each time I've asked myself why I bothered. I always ended up looking and feeling stupid and I want to be the one that comes across as unbothered and moved on. 
Another good thing to remember is that when we miss these people, we aren't thinking of the bad times, the memories of them hurting us or making us feel like garbage.  We are reminecing in the good times only and because of that, we feel we miss these people for who they were, but in reality we don't.  Make a list of all the bad things that happened that he did etc and go back to it each time you have a moment of weakness.  It's a good reminder of what we deserve and why we shouldn't break NC.
The only positive for me out of all this, is that I've learned so much about myself as a person, and I still have much more to learn but I've become a different person from my experience and a stronger one at that. When we realize our worth, those red flags we once saw won't be red flags anymore, they'll be deal breakers for future relationships  

[Skyglass]

I can tell I am becoming a different person and its scary to me. It's like I'm changing no matter whether I want to or not- it's divine order that I must. Ive always been open minded and introspective so that part is not new to me. But everything feels like im being pushed to have to accept and move forward. I'm probably resisting a lot because the path is uncertain and also fear I may never have closure with the ex. I will have to find my own closure, away from obsessive intruding thoughts of all the good times and/or trying to make sense of why I was cast away.

[Puzzledpieces]

I will have to find my own closure, away from obsessive intruding thoughts of all the good times and/or trying to make sense of why I was cast away.

And eventually you will find it, in your own way you will give that to yourself.  I still struggle with this part as well. Keep in mind your relationship was over 3 years lasting, wanting closure to something that was a big part of your life isn't out of the norm. Unfortunately us nons always seek closure and rarely get it.
But we should ask ourselves why we feel we need it and how would it benefit it us? Would it really change our story, our feelings after everything we have been thru? In their mind they have given closure, in their own way. In a non communicating way. When they decide the relationship is over, it's over and we are painted black.  Obsessively seeking closure sets us back from moving on, and it's one of the main things we need to accept so we can do so.  Another reason  we don't receive closure is because they fear abandonment, and they may want to keep you around in their own way. If they lose interest in someone else or are badly seeking attention, it gives them the ability to check in with us to see if we reciprocate when they reach out. This doesn't always happen, but if it does than its honestly best to continue NC. For your own sanity, and your own health reasons.  Relationships with BPD are roller coasters that we never get off of until WE decide it's time to. 

[Zinnia21]

I'm devastated to be honest, a push/pull conversation and me losing my temper with it created the end of our friendship.  I told him many times he was special to me and I valued his friendship and he also said nothing would jeopardise it.  Yet he walked out of my life and hasn't looked back.  

Izzybusy, he probably set you up to respond angrily so he could run away again, so don't worry, you didn't create the end. They create an 'explosion' themselves, and then disappear while the room is still full of smoke! If that makes any sense. Has happened to me a lot! Even when I didn't respond that angrily...

And I think all of us can relate to the oddity and shock of thinking we're on good terms with our BPD, only to find they do just walk away and don't look back. At the time things are ok it's hard to imagine them leaving again. At the times they do leave, it's hard to imagine they were ever there!
That = emotional pain and confusion for us!

This whole website exists because a normal loving person can't cope with such extremes and illogical behaviour. I must remind myself of this when I'm sitting in my sad and confused fog!