So my BPD wife finally left the home. Sunday was the first night S4 was going to spend the night with her... .I had to come get him... .When I got there, she was in complete dysregulation... .
So she called telling me that it was "over". She was going to kill herself. Get a gun put a bullet in her head. She didn't want to be here anymore. She would do it before she left her job so the life insurance would still be in place. She has been saying these things for a long time. An ongoing pattern when something goes wrong... .
She informed me that she wanted him tonight. That she would come get him and he would spend the night. That "he would just have to deal with it". That she is his mother and he's gonna have to get over it. He had agreed to me spending the night in her new apt. so he would feel ok about being there. I had suggested she spend time in the apt with him during her days off, getting him used to being there, and bring him home to sleep at night. All were rejected. Flat no.
LegalAid for a pro-bono... .There is no divorce or any orders in place yet. I could keep him and basically say he's staying with me until the court decides. But there is nothing stopping her from picking him up from daycare and doing exactly the same thing. I treading a thin line here.
But for tonight, the real question is imminent danger... .How do I really know? She has been saying these things for years now. The difference? She's out of the house and in her own apt.
Do you have any proof of her threats to harm herself or others? Witnesses? Recordings? Texts or IMs? That would support you to limit contact and parenting until the court decides, hopefully after she is evaluated. There are psych evals (relatively quick) and custody evals (take months and expensive). Understand that if a psych eval is ordered, you may be included in the order as well, especially if she contests it.
Even without independent proof you can still take the stance that "I'm concerned about your threats to harm yourself, I will limit your time with our child to ____ until the court or professionals decide how to handle our parenting." Yes, she could still take him from daycare or preschool but you won't know until it happens or doesn't happen.
I believe threats of suicide can be one of two general categories: (1) attempts to control, guilt or manipulate or (2) indication of mental stress, distress, depression or a number of other issues. Understand that you are not expected to evaluate her and determine what to do, that is left to trained professionals. Even if you were qualified in the mental health field, you couldn't properly evaluate because she's a family member. So when there are suicide talk or threats then you call in the emergency responders or petition family court to assign professionals. It may stress her out even more, but it will get professional attention which is good. Be aware that she could deny it or even blame-shift and claim you're the one suicidal. That's why we're asking if you've got proof of her making such statements. (By the time I separated I had been quietly recording for a few months since I knew my ex would deny and make counter allegations. I knew I'd need proof I wasn't the one acting out.)
In short, this is the time to stand up for what YOU decide is best for your son. Beware of second guessing yourself, it could be self-sabotaging. Yes, it's good to be aware, listening and informed but still YOU decide, at least for now. Beware too of trying to be too fair, to nice, too whatever. That can come back to haunt you because pwBPD typically don't or won't reciprocate our fairness.
I would say fall on the safe side and deny her access to the sleepover but the court may see that as some sort of alienation.
She has talked to him on the phone since. She has asked him to spend the night and he denies her.
Court will almost certainly NOT see you limiting her contact as alienation, especially not if you have documentation of her poor and distressed behaviors. Until there are orders you both have equal rights as parents. Yes, it's a bit of a free-for-all but it appears likely that when YOU set the rules she will likely acquiesce. She doesn't seem to be as controlling and entitled as many other spouses described by other members here.
Time to learn now... .Your son does not decide what happens, he is not just a minor but a young minor. Yes, take his reactions, concerns and worries into consideration but the decisions are yours. (This is not a TV show where Erkel and his teen peers tell the parents what is best to do.)
