Another drama for switching weekends..time to get a lawyer?

[Godslove]

My ex wants to switch weekends so he can keep the children during the whole Thanksgiving break. The current agreement (divorced in Feb, 2016) says to share Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I explained him that kids and I like it that way so they can see both mom and dad. I also said I am taking my kids to my family's during the break after his half.

This is part of email I received from him. "I've requested to switch weekends several times throughout the last couple years with the common answer NO. I've also requested to spend more time with the children and have also been told No... .My ultimate goal is to not lose time with the children but to increase the amount. You are wrong for what you are doing Research it and pray on it and you will see I am right. If I don't hear back with a valid reason I cannot see my children more often, then expect a letter from my lawyer."

Fact: I've switched weekends upon his request and have evidence (email). I stopped doing it because he started abusing it. He wanted to see the kids once a week (not in current agreement), I said no for many reasons (Mainly no trust he will return the kids on time for homework, bath, time for bed. I have waited up to one and a half hours for exchange). However I gave him two extra weeks during summer. (He doesn't have any in the contract). I have given him more time during his visitation upon request. I have all in writing.

This is one of many threatening emails whenever I do not comply his so called request but another bullying. Can he really take more time if go to court with all these facts? It is unlikely he will do something with his lawyer because he is cheap but possible. Should I look for a lawyer? Or just go by myself if summon happens? My lawyers have been horrible and I don't have any trustworthy lawyer. Many times I felt that I should have just come to court with an interpreter.

[Nope]

My DH's uBPDex wife has always threatened DH by saying he was "in contempt" and that she would "call her lawyer" or that she'd take him back to court. She never actually did anything at all. Then we had her served with papers for a court date and got an email all about how she didn't want to talk to DH and from now on she would only be communicated with his lawyer through her lawyer. Then she got a continuance for the court date because, guess what, she didn't even have a lawyer and said she needed more time in order to find one. It's been my experience that they'll make threats all day thinking that if they make you nervous enough you'll give in, but unless they have already proven a history of willingness to bring you to court it is most likely all a bunch of bluster. Though it is possible he has consulted with a lawyer and said you won't give him any extra time (without going into the true details of the situation) and knows what he needs to say, even if it isn't based in what is really happening.

With all of your evidence I don't see him getting very far. If you have good solid reasons for why he can't have more time (like showing up very late repeatedly to get kiddo back to you) then it doesn't make sense for a judge to rock the boat. You can research lawyers now without retaining one if that would make you feel more confident. But I would not spend money until he made a move beyond just a threat. And I would not say or do anything that made him feel like threatening you with court got him a positive result. In my case, the negative results and harder boundaries caused by threats eventually caused her to stop.

[catclaw]

What Nope said. We receive so many empty threats regarding lawyers and officials and cps, always with an undertone of "I hope you comply to my wishes, it would be too bad if I had to involve a 3rd party". We made several appointments with neutral 3rd parties to talk about stuff but she never showed up for no valid reason at all.

Regarding switching weekends, we had the same trouble. When ss was still living with BPDm, she would want to switch weekends regularly to go to whatever event there was, claiming "personal reasons". It was really messy. We ended up with 4-5 weekends with ss in a row, not knowing when our next regular weekend was and yet she demanded substitute weekends for when she didn't have time
. There were so many arguments and blaming because it was just unstructured and confusing. Since ss lives with us, we refuse to switch weekends. He needs a reliable structure and if BPDm is busy on her weekend, she has to wait for her next one, 2 weeks later. We stick to this vehemently and her making plans on visitation weekends eventually stopped. I think this was an important boundary to set. When it comes to this kind of stuff, I often feel like pwBPD show off their inner child.

Tbh, we received an email with almost exactly the same wording some time ago

I don't think he will get a lawyer. If so, you should have the number of a good lawyer close. Just let him be the first to take action. You have prove how you tried to find a way apart from court and this is always a good thing.
Stay strong and don't soften that boundary.
You can only do so much to meet his needs, but you will never be able to fulfill them.

[Godslove]

I feel that I backed up my boundary. I got confused. After whole bunch of blizzard texts, I realized he can NOT see the kids during his weekend Not what he said like keeping them whole Thanksgiving break. I ended up offering him another weekend to switch. Then he texted "Switching weekends is just the tip of the iceberg. When will we get to the point of true shared custody? I'd like to see them more. How can we accomplish that?"

What is the TRUE shared custody? I have primary physical custody. him-every other weekend visitation... all signed at the court less than six months ago!

I texted back--you kept asking me to switch to Thanksgiving weekend so there is no interruption. Nowhere you told me you can not have the kids during your weekend. I plan my weekend with the kids. You should try too.

Argg... I feel so discouraged. After standing up for him with all kinds of harassment emails and texts about not switching weekends back in April. I feel that I got tricked because he only talked about Thanksgiving weekend. My counselor said he manipulated me... as usual. I feel so stupid... .
 

[Godslove]

With this one time switch I already agreed, I want to email him something like this for the future "I have always follow the visitation schedule on the agreement. I have never refused your scheduled visitation time but even granted you more time. If you can not see the kids during your weekends, it is not me trying to take kids away but your choice. Kids expect to see you every other weekends.  If I do not have any plan during your weekend you can not see the kids, I am willing to watch them for you. However treating or harassing me to switch will not work. It is best for us to stick to the court order. The visitation schedule is there to follow to minimize conflicts unless emergency situations."

Or save this until he wants to switch again. I am sure it will come soon again. Anything to add or revise? Any advise will be appreciated. ㅜㅜ

[Ulysses]

Hi Godslove,

It sounds like you are trying to accommodate him, in the spirit of fairness and working together.  If you've backtracked on your boundary, perhaps ask yourself why you chose to.  I found that I often did/do because I was/am trying to be understanding, nice, and didn't want people to be mad at me.  To be honest, the blowback of sticking to your boundaries is quite painful to experience, and can be scary.  And being accommodating to someone diagnosed with BPD can simply lead to more boundary-busting behavior.

From what you've written, it sounds like you are really trying to work with him and be fair.  It sounds like he's unhappy with the court's decision and wants custody changed.  If you want advice I would contact attorneys for free legal advice.   Also, and I'm not an attorney, I would be very careful what you put in writing to your ex husband.  You might also want to simply stick to the parenting plan at this point, because if you're giving up time and making changes, he might be able to tell a court that your actions indicate you're open to changes to the parenting plan.  Or are giving up time with your children, therefore you don't want them, etc.  I don't know, though.

Many of us deal with blustering ex-spouses.  At one point mine kept threatening mediation when we were trying to work out a summer schedule, and my attorney advised me to send a short, polite email (it was one sentence) asking what issue(s) he wanted to take to mediation.  He backed off after that (my ex is an attorney).

Would it be prudent for you to email him to ask what changes he's seeking?  Although, it sounds like he wants 50/50 custody, and he's trying to obtain that without going to court.  Perhaps you'll want to send an email to him that states from this point on, for the benefit of the children, you prefer to simply follow the parenting plan.  

[Ulysses]

For my money you could send something even more brief.  I don't think you need to explain yourself, or, if you choose to, don't feel you need to respond back to him when he sends you an email back.

How about:

"I prefer to follow the parenting plan from this point forward.  I am happy to have the children with me during your scheduled parenting time if you are unable to have them with you.  Thanks."

There are others on this board with more experience than me, so please take my suggestion with a grain of salt!