I'm leaving, and am making plans to do so.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, I know I'm leaving, and am making plans to do so. This seemed to be really triggering to BPDh, so I've stopped mentioning it. Now, I only let him know I was making a "back up plan", as I'd really come to see his divorce threats as more serious lately, and I felt I had to have a back up plan. Plus, and I did not share this with him, but I've decided I can't do this long term. I used the tools, radically accepted he will always be difficult, but my quality of life with him is pretty terrible.

Now, I'm always been pretty upbeat with him though, and I have always fed him a lot of encouragement: life can be what we choose, and I have faith in him(even after I'd sort of stopped thinking he wanted to behave better), and that life didn't have to be this roller coaster, and that I was always there for him, and that "I" was committed to our marriage.

I didn't see how he'd view my "having a back up plan" in lieu of his threats would be so triggering.

So, he blew up, and has thrown me out of the bedroom. He still wants sex, which I find odd, and really disrespectful. I think he's too proud to ask me to come back to the bedroom? Or, is he trying to punish me? I've been out of the bedroom for about two weeks now? I was going and laying with him each night for a while, and thought he's ask me to move back into the bedroom, but he has not.

I care, but I sort of don't too. It just feels so "odd" to me. My parents have been happily married for 60 plus years, and this is all so weird. He's told me he's still weighing the pros and cons of staying married, but he's actually been nicer, for the most part. Of course, he's back to leaving for work and acting like saying "I love you" is something he doens't want to do. All very passive aggressive. I've had years of his withholding, and it's in stark contrast to how he treats his adult kids, where he has to tell them he loves them about five times before ending every phone conversation. I'm not jealous per se, I just find the stark contrast gross.

I have OCD, so not knowing the "why" of things sort of drives me crazy. I work on this. Why do you think he's doing this? I know I'm making plans to leave, but he can't see me doing so, and I'd bet he thinks I'm bluffing, and would never think of actually leaving, as I've been a super devoted "stayer". Plus, I'm still being all positive, and no more talk of leaving.

He went from acting totally detached, to "weighing pros and cons" after his last DBT session. I'd sort of thought we'd go on as usual, until I left, with him being unsuspecting. Also, I'm only wanting to do it this way because I think this way is going to be WAY less ugly. When I make my exit, I want it to be final, and I don't want much, if any contact. When he walked out last time, he didn't want contact, so I don't think that will be a huge issue.

Any ideas why he still wants sex, but acts so detached, but has been behaving mostly "nicer"? Not understanding this is making me sort of nuts.

[Ceruleanblue]

Okay, I know I'm leaving, and am making plans to do so. This seemed to be really triggering to BPDh, so I've stopped mentioning it. Now, I only let him know I was making a "back up plan", as I'd really come to see his divorce threats as more serious lately, and I felt I had to have a back up plan. Plus, and I did not share this with him, but I've decided I can't do this long term. I used the tools, radically accepted he will always be difficult, but my quality of life with him is pretty terrible.

Now, I'm always been pretty upbeat with him though, and I have always fed him a lot of encouragement: life can be what we choose, and I have faith in him(even after I'd sort of stopped thinking he wanted to behave better), and that life didn't have to be this roller coaster, and that I was always there for him, and that "I" was committed to our marriage.

I didn't see how he'd view my "having a back up plan" in lieu of his threats would be so triggering.

So, he blew up, and has thrown me out of the bedroom. He still wants sex, which I find odd, and really disrespectful. I think he's too proud to ask me to come back to the bedroom? Or, is he trying to punish me? I've been out of the bedroom for about two weeks now? I was going and laying with him each night for a while, and thought he's ask me to move back into the bedroom, but he has not.

I care, but I sort of don't too. It just feels so "odd" to me. My parents have been happily married for 60 plus years, and this is all so weird. He's told me he's still weighing the pros and cons of staying married, but he's actually been nicer, for the most part. Of course, he's back to leaving for work and acting like saying "I love you" is something he doens't want to do. All very passive aggressive. I've had years of his withholding, and it's in stark contrast to how he treats his adult kids, where he has to tell them he loves them about five times before ending every phone conversation. I'm not jealous per se, I just find the stark contrast gross.

I have OCD, so not knowing the "why" of things sort of drives me crazy. I work on this. Why do you think he's doing this? I know I'm making plans to leave, but he can't see me doing so, and I'd bet he thinks I'm bluffing, and would never think of actually leaving, as I've been a super devoted "stayer". Plus, I'm still being all positive, and no more talk of leaving.

He went from acting totally detached, to "weighing pros and cons" after his last DBT session. I'd sort of thought we'd go on as usual, until I left, with him being unsuspecting. Also, I'm only wanting to do it this way because I think this way is going to be WAY less ugly. When I make my exit, I want it to be final, and I don't want much, if any contact. When he walked out last time, he didn't want contact, so I don't think that will be a huge issue.

Any ideas why he still wants sex, but acts so detached, but has been behaving mostly "nicer"? Not understanding this is making me sort of nuts.

[Ceruleanblue]

Also, before anyone jumps on here, and says I'm not of a leaving mindset, I can assure you: I AM. I just don't really want him to know that as it seems to be hugely triggering to him, and he can make my life really awful. He has shown he's capable of being really cruel. I want to get along until I'm in a place where I can move in one fell swoop. That's likely to be at end of October.

Right now, we are getting along okay, and I'd like to maintain that until I can leave. If that means letting him think I'm in that "staying" place I always was, so be it. I know I have to leave for my mental health. My plan is to do that when he's away on a five day business trip. This would normally NOT be how I'd leave a marriage, but with his anger and BPD/NPD, I feel it's the safest plan.

I've put up with so much rage, and have been so afraid of him, that I'm now looking out for ME.

Thoughts on why he seems to think I'm still wanting to stay in it(based on his actions), but why he has thrown me out of the bedroom, but expects sex?

[freemanstrut]

Wanting to understand the "why" of how a disordered person behaves as they do is a fool's errand.  This is what kept me sucked into my relationship with my BPDex.  I felt not just a need, but a _compulsion_ to understand what made her tick and why she behaved in the totally irrational way she did.

There's no understanding it.  There's no reasoning with it.  There is no dissecting it and reassembling it in a way that will make sense to a non-disordered person.  You will never understand why he behaves as he does, and neither will he.

[Lilyroze]

  Ceruleanblue,

Not sure if you happen to have read the last one I wrote to you but do understand what you are going through. See you have been in the care-taker mode, juggling all the emotions, trying to keep everything OK for so long that well you don't see it has been all on you. Don't get me wrong you see, but well give more credit then is due to his " behaving" ... when the cards are all laid out.

I know FF has mentioned to you a few times, that is why he and many of us were worried how he would act with all this. He "can say he wants this" or is deciding, but remember with many their actions don't meet their words. They change daily or can't regulate their emotions. Not to mention when you really get painted black for the time being.

When this started with mine, I "kept" him from being a country singer ( huh? yes he sings nice to the radio I guess... .) or an astronaut, last was I kept him from scuba diving ( there is no Ocean here currently, he chose where we moved to , and has been ill and "dying" of a lung injury).

 He stormed out with a whole cooked turkey, pizza, came back asked for the lawn mower in the fall/winter.

 Got caught hiding in the bushes talking to his " gamers " and nude chicks, when given choice kids or that which I wouldn't have in house ( while planning going our separate ways, he commuted) he took the turkey and left... .LOL Fine by me... .easier then cooking for him still, sending all food up for week, doing his clothes while he watched soft " p*... " in front of kids or flirted with others ( didn't care he was doing, just not in front of kids, have some class as a parent... did I mention class and decorum)

I started having him stay up there( commuting) to not come back, then it was all my fault... .He then raged and threatened co workers, me, promised to help move me, fix things up to sell, etc has not kept any of his word yet, except his things. I could go on and on it has gotten crazy with his rages, nuttiness, fake reality.

Best part we unlike you have not had that type relationship in quite awhile ( as you can imagine) didn't love him that way anymore, just care-taking friends ( his physical illness thought he was dying staying thing). Now... .spying ( wire tapping we found), threats, rude to kids and I... .list goes on to

TADA... .calling for me to give him his work schedule,Dr appt... .huh? we have been on LC or mostly no. I afraid of him, almost to point of RO suggested by LO with spying . To flirting on phone, sexy talk, childlike talk, talking his body parts, and trying to be super nice to kids when dropping off things. Not that he shouldn't be nice but has been ignoring and mean for over a year.  Yes dragged out due to property issues need resolved and others.

I am only telling you above, as now I am going to ask you why does he do this? You will laugh and say I don't know? Why are you putting up with it? and I will say TADA I don't know? LOL It just needs taken care and will be, and so will yours.

We can't figure them out, reason with them half the time, when you can well great.

Love= going into battle with a BPD with a feather, paper armour and rodeo clown ( to save you when they rage like a bull)

Be careful, have your plan and be safe, keep a sense of humor. I like you want to know the whys in life. All I can say nicely is they are nuts with the divorce thing. I know not nice to say, but in our cases try to laugh about.

As for the sex, control, lust, and power plays. As well as addiction, and they don't look at us as whole in end, painting black, objects like a lawn mower. Will use the lawn mower, when breaks get a new one.

    take care of and be well mentally, spiritually and physically for you.

I saw JQ put this for someone excuse the beeps but helped me laugh and so appropriate now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

Blessings,

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I try to remember this, but at times, I feel I do sort of understand his disordered reasoning. Due to things he's explained to me. I don't assume, but from asking for clarification, and things that he's slipped and said, I can sort of understand his "view" sometimes.

You are very right though, that they way he reacts and views life in general doesn't make any sense to me, or even his own family most times. I've come to accept that, but when he does something out of character even for him: throwing me out of the bedroom, I'm left scratching my head.

It's not that I care so much, as it is that the curiosity is killing me. I have to keep reminding myself that curiosity killed the cat.    I don't really want to remedy the situation at all, as I'm doing fine sleeping in the spare room, but I don't want it to escalate past that to where it screws up my timeline. I'm just not sure what he's thinking at all, so I don't know how long the status quo will last... .

I guess I just keep making my plans, and trying not to stress. There is an end goal in sight: leaving, and having peace.

[Lucky Jim]

I guess I just keep making my plans, and trying not to stress. There is an end goal in sight: leaving, and having peace

Right, CB, that's what you do.  I don't fully understand why you continue to have sex w/him despite sleeping in the spare room, but that seems part of your dynamic and perhaps demonstrates why you stay in an unhappy situation.  Hang in there, LJ

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I haven't actually continued to have sex with him, it's been a one time thing since he requested I move into the spare room. Almost every night, I go lay with him for about 10 minutes, after he's gone to sleep. That was how the sex happened last week. I don't really want a repeat. He tried last night, and I stated that if I'm not good enough to sleep with and share a room, I'm also not good enough for sex. Now, I know I'm good enough, but I wanted him to think about it. He's painted me black, or in his mind is punishing me, or something.

I guess you are all right, and I'll just never figure out why he's doing this. My best guess is he felt abandoned when I told him I was making a back up plan due to his threats, and he was also ego hurt. He always strikes out when hurt, or withdraws. He's also big into punishing me, so I guess this is just a new twist on that. My gut also tells me that he'd like me to beg to move back into the bedroom.

I think I go lay with him at night because I still like to be close to him on some level. I know I have to move on, and at times I'm totally at peace with that, and at other times, I'm saddened. I know the year we dated was a fantasy, and was never really real, but I mourn the loss of what I thought he was. When he's sleeping, I sort of remember that feeling. When he's sleeping, he's not raging, he's not blaming, and I miss the physical touch, but certainly not the sex.

Our married sex life was always awful, sadly. I've read on here about some people that have successful sexual relations with someone with BPD, but in our case, it certainly was a huge factor. His anger often came out during sex, he clearly misses and wants to emulate porn, and he was very disrespectful to me sexually. I went from loving sex, to hating it. His erectile dysfunction has also not been at all fun to deal with, and I've always been kind about it, but it gets old.

Looking back, I can't believe I didn't cut my losses sooner. I put way too much hope that DBT would help him. It hasn't seemed to help him at all, because he just doesn't seem to want to get better. Denial and projection are so much easier, and he's really set in his ways. His answer was always to change ME, and I went along with far too much of that, for the sake of peace.

I guess I just have to make peace that none of his actions at this point are making much sense. He's sending such mixed signals, and is just so all over the place. He's being mostly "nicer", but  he's still detached emotionally(this, more than anything is why I'm leaving), and he's trying to interact with me more, but it just feels forced, or like he's doing it out of fear.

Tomorrow, I'm going to stop asking myself why he does anything. I shouldn't even care, unless it relates to moving my plan along, or making it easier.

[Skip]

Any ideas why he still wants sex, but acts so detached, but has been behaving mostly "nicer"? Not understanding this is making me sort of nuts.

Are you really making plans or is this more like marital cold war where you are still in a relationship but just not working on it.

Have you contacted a lawyer? Are you moving out? Where do you stand on your plans?

[married21years]

hi this is all very familiar

we make a boundary they must get help and change

this has not happened, you have made the decision to leave.

this should probably be done sooner or later.

i flew in unannounced, asked for a decision the decision was that she didnt love me.

we agreed terms for the divorce and i left the next night.

that was September and it has been NC ever since.

we need to put our foot down and if the situation is not resolved we need to move on for us

this can give closure as we have made all the effort we can and they chose the path.

 

[Wood stock]

Hi CB. I read through this entire thread, and I feel like you informed him of your decision in some last ditch effort to get him to WAKE UP. And he didn't. Actually he used your decision to leave against you, from what I read on your posts. So here you are.  I recognize it because I have been there. I have just one thing to say to you--and again, I speak from experience here... .

It's like anything we find scary or unpleasant (for example, a dentist visit or meeting with our boss)... .the ANTICIPATION IS USUALLY THE HARDEST PART. Typically, once we get the unpleasant thing done and over with, we realize it wasn't so bad after all. That said... .I get the feeling that the ANTICIPATION of leaving has you worked up (understandably so), but once you simply get it over with, the anxiety will subside. And then you will be on the road to healing... .which will be a journey in and of itself.
 
Best of luck to you in the current journey you are on--but take it from a woman who finally got out and had every reason to be scared to do so... .life without the BPD turmoil is good for the soul. And once you get away, you will begin to sort out your own life and really figure out who you are and who you aren't. Like I said--a journey. Do not be afraid. Try to be excited about this new chapter in your life.

[Ceruleanblue]

I do have very specific plans. I am sorting things, selling some things he won't notice, and I have three months to do all this. My plan is to leave at end of October when he's gone on a trip.

I actually did not tell him as a last ditch effort, or in hopes that he'd change. It would have been nice, but I actually was not expecting that at all. He's just in a very dark, angry place, so I knew not to expect that. I think I told him because he wields his threats like a weapon, wanting me to beg, and I felt like I needed to finally stand up against that, and let him know if he wants out so bad, I'm making plans. I guess I sort of felt I was calling his bluff, but I never really thought he was bluffing. He's left once before, and his threats have lately sounded a LOT more serious. I just wanted this time to beat him to it. It meant something to me, but maybe it shouldn't have.

I've already gone through most of the grieving I think, but I'm sure there will be more once I actually leave. It may end up being sooner due to something that happened just tonight. He did something I view as highly inappropriate in regards to my 20 year old daughter that lives with us. He's always claimed he views her as only a daughter, but this was clearly wrong, and I'm really angry, and disgusted with him, as is she. I would not be surprised if he did similar things with his biological daughters, as he's hugely enmeshed with them, and has lax boundaries.

I have therapy tomorrow, and plan to take my Mom with me, and maybe we can move up my moving plans. I feel I've grieved, and I'm been scared, and had panic attacks, but for the most part, I'm pretty proud that I'm not utterly devastated. I feel I'm doing what I have to do for me, and my kids. I want a better life for myself, and I never thought I deserved this treatment. I never felt I could change him, but I was hoping he'd want to get better.

I do think once I leave, I'll feel lighter, and so thankful to be off the roller coaster. I'm sure I'll have stuff to work through, and I'll be sad, but I'm betting I'll be so glad to not live in fear and chaos, that that will compensate a lot. I keep telling myself that I'll be okay. I have a really supportive family that loves me, and I'm really lucky in that.

[hurting300]

I want to get along until I'm in a place where I can move in one fell swoop. That's likely to be at end of October.  

So you're just going to leave him without saying anything?

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I tried telling him, and it was hugely triggering for him, so now I'm just going to be making plans, and I'll just leave in one fell swoop when he's gone on his trip. Everything I've read online(and spoken with an advisor for abused women), says it's better to leave without them knowing. Make plans in secret, then carry them out. I would not do this in a normal situation, but this isn't a normal situation. I actually see it as giving him what he wants. He's been threatening me with divorce for years, has left once, and keeps telling me how unhappily married he is(of course, he's not happy in many other areas of his life either).

I'm not doing this to be abusive, or hurtful, I'm doing it so there is less conflict, less hurt for ME, and because things would likely be very ugly. I'll leave him a letter, but he already knows the reasons I'm finally agreeing to leave, we've discussed them all. He's waffling about wanting "out" of the marriage(I think), but I know I have to leave. I'm just no longer advertising that fact. I mean, if he'd really wanted me to stay, he could have offered to truly work on his issues, instead of insisting I'm totally to blame, or he could have said he'd stop the abuse. I wasn't counting on that AT ALL, but I'm saying he could have, if he'd really wanted me to stay in his life. My life matters too, and I can't stay around this craziness because his behaviors are severe.

While I'm still here, I'm actively trying to still be a good, loving partner, and not trigger him. I'm in therapy, and following my therapist's advice. I see her today in fact.

I do have a lot of empathy for him, but that empathy just does not excuse some of the things he chooses to do. Last night, he did something that really crossed a line with my daughter, so he's burned bridges with her now too. I'd thought I could at least trust him with her, but he's now shown himself to be untrustworthy there too.

I am trying to look forward to this next chapter of my life. It just has to be better than the place I've been for over five years. Daily drama, chaos and upsets will mostly be gone(although my kids do have anger issues). I'll have something I'm working towards, and be surrounded by people that love and support me. Plus, I'm really into this positive thinking and creating, and I just know I can be happy. I just have to get out of this toxic soup, and work on myself in therapy to make sure I never land there again. I see now I should have left as soon as he started this stuff.

[Moselle]

it's better to leave without them knowing. Make plans in secret, then carry them out.

Good idea. Ceruleanblue, your situation sounds very similar to mine 2 years ago (kicked out the bed, sex etc). It can get explosive once he knows you are gone so please be safe, and get your legal stuff in order. Have you read "Splitting" by Randy Kreger. It has great advice.

[Skip]

I actually see it as giving him what he wants.

He is going to be outraged and violated - you've said as much. When your life partner waits for you to take a trip and moves out, it is scarring. This will kick start a high conflict divorce.

There are situations where this is necessary. There are situations where this is selfish way out - done to gain advantage (i.e, rather than split the property, one takes what they want).

I don't know your story, is this necessary? You indicate that he is unhappy. Is a trial separation not a possible option here? Can you not have an amicable divorce?

[hurting300]

Everything I've read online(and spoken with an advisor for abused women), says it's better to leave without them knowing  

No, that's not a good idea at all. If you do something like this the least you need to do is leave a letter or call. I'm not validating his abuse or making it light. But everyone deserves an explanation even if it's a note.

[michel71]

I am in the anticipation phase and it is giving me great anxiety. I am seeing a therapist to build up some emotional reserves and get clarity before I actually file papers. Maybe you might want to consider this for yourself.
So much of me wants my uBPDspouse to make this miraculous turn around and I even have a fantasy that when presented with papers it will shock my spouse into being "healthy" but we all know that it is a long shot sometimes with BPDs. I am not sure if I would want to weather more storms to be honest.
But I have FOG. Real bad today. And my uBPDspouse has been so nice and loving and has absolutely no clue what has been going on with me behind the scenes ( therapist, lawyer).
It is the roller coaster syndrome.
When things go bad, I get really empowered to make a move and then in a few days FOG creeps in and then I am "numb" or in neutral and then maybe I feel affection again, maybe even a glimmer of hope (getting glimmer over time) and then an argument and BAM, back on the roller coaster.
I contribute to my own CRAZY. I own my part. I stuck around too long. And it is not healthy. I am not healthy.

[satahal]

I totally get why you're planning our exit as you are and support that 100%.

If he's even a little like my partner, he's got the potential to really, really lose it when he finally gets that you are truly going.

He wants sex because he wants to touch base - feel he's still connected to you. It's that simple. It sounds as if all of this putting you in the other room stuff is simply to hurt you. I highly doubt he's really weighing the pros and cons of staying in the r/s.

And, I get why you lay with him every night. Old habits die hard. You have love for this man and if not for his illness you would stay with him forever. I get it. I truly do. When my partner is asleep, I love curling up with him for the same reasons: there's no BPD, no abuse, no crazy-making - just the sound of his breathing and the warm skin of someone I love deeply.

Please be safe. I fear he will figure out your plan - be very careful and know you have every right to leave this way.

[michel71]

I think you are doing it the right way. You don't want this to escalate into rage and possible violence. What if he pushes you and then calls the cops and tells them that you abused him?
SKIP: Really? Any suggestion of an "amicable" divorce seems HIGHLY UNLIKELY from what this woman has told us. C'mon.
HURTING? Your suggestion of leaving a note is reasonable I guess but maybe just a letter from the lawyer will suffice.
Trauma gets one to the point of desperate measures. And it sounds like she has been planning this as calmly as she can but she needs to strike when the iron is hot.
It is very typical to want to be close in some regard to somebody you still love. I have felt the same way. I still love my uBPDspouse very deeply and there are times when I just want to be close and forget about all the bad stuff. The problem is that this only lasts for a little while and then more bad stuff happens to remind me of reality.
I support you Ceruleanblue!

[hurting300]

What is so hard about being an adult and at least leaving a letter of closure. I had this happen to me. You have no idea how bad this hurts. The LEAST anyone can do is leave a reason. What if he thinks your dead? Kidnapped? Hurt? Do yourself a favor, let him know AFTER you leave. Please?

[hurting300]

I think you are doing it the right way. You don't want this to escalate into rage and possible violence. What if he pushes you and then calls the cops and tells them that you abused him?
SKIP: Really? Any suggestion of an "amicable" divorce seems HIGHLY UNLIKELY from what this woman has told us. C'mon.
HURTING? Your suggestion of leaving a note is reasonable I guess but maybe just a letter from the lawyer will suffice.
Trauma gets one to the point of desperate measures. And it sounds like she has been planning this as calmly as she can but she needs to strike when the iron is hot.
It is very typical to want to be close in some regard to somebody you still love. I have felt the same way. I still love my uBPDspouse very deeply and there are times when I just want to be close and forget about all the bad stuff. The problem is that this only lasts for a little while and then more bad stuff happens to remind me of reality.
I support you Ceruleanblue!

Trauma? Sure I understand that. My ex left me this way. And even tried telling people I was "crazy" and "abusive". TWO YEARS of not seeing my baby she "saved". Now I have custody. The judge even said it; why did you disappear without one word? I completely understand you leaving I would too. But at least say something after.

[Skip]

I support you Ceruleanblue!

We all support her, michel71. A big part of that is helping each other look at all aspects of the decisions we are considering. We also want to be careful not to "vote" or push a member to take any specific action - especially on this board - we advise, discuss options - they weigh the odds, make the decision, live with the consequences.

Sometimes we "cheerlead" others into not so favorable situations.

We had one member here who we (as a community) encouraged to fight and play dirty. We eventually all got to see him on Dr. Phil sitting across from his teenage daughter who was begging him to get out of her life... .with Dr. Phil's encouragement. He spent years and a lot of money to get to this place.

We had another member who we (as a community) encouraged to fight to win and he ended up being interviewed on Good Morning America by Matt Lauer who had a panel of experts condemn him for what he had done. He also spent years and a lot of money to get to this very dark place.

High conflict divorce can be devastating. And while it might feel "just" (and it well may be deserved) to encourage someone to throw the first bomb, it is a little like launching the first nuclear bomb toward Russia. Making the wrong decision to launch / not launch is life altering.

Any suggestion of an "amicable" divorce seems HIGHLY UNLIKELY

I don't think we can really know this and given the risks, it would be negligent of us not to encourage a member to explore less contentious options. Both parties in this have been threatening each other with divorce for over a year. They sleep in separate beds. This is a couple (both sides) in a divorce trajectory already.

One less contentious way to deal with this would be to have 3-4 martial therapy sessions that would end near the beginning of the October trip. There they can talk about their feelings with a referee helping each hear. She can say she wants a divorce in session 3 or 4 and the therapists will help her husband hear it. She can even suggest that she exit while he is on his trip

There are other options.

I need to set a boundary in regards to physical abuse. I've been being too lax in regards to it... .I don't fear he'll really hurt me, or I'd leave.

Doing it ambush style and ghosting is a drastic measure for drastic times (like in domestic violence situations). In domestic violence, this is considered a high risk time and there is a protocol that includes "going underground" for an extended period. Is this such a case? On the surface, it doesn't sound like it, but none of us can make that call.

Ambush style and ghosting will severely wound the other party (see Hurt300 comments) who will likely retaliate in some way. There is no way it won't be a highly contentious divorce after that point.

If he's even a little like my partner, he's got the potential... .

He may not be at all like your husband. We don't want to generalize.

Ceruleanblue is facing a really big decision. It's still early. There is time to examine the pros and cons of all the options.

This might be the most caring way to support her.

[hurting300]

Let me start out by saying I'm not defending your husband. You were abused. He has no right to do that. I get triggered when people mention ghosting. Ghosting is a preferred weapon of people with personality disorders. Not saying you have one of course.

[Skip]

If he's even a little like my partner, he's got the potential to... .

I get triggered when people mention ghosting.

Don't we want our advice to be about the member, not our own triggers. Hard I know. We all have a lot of vested emotions here.

he wants me to get a job and just hand over my paycheck to him to help with his debts he's accrued. He even told me last night that even though payday is tomorrow, don't spend ANY money. So, now groceries, no gas for the car, no things we actually need? This is just more control, isn't it? I'd asked him a few days ago where he wants me to get the job, meaning here where we live, or where I'd move home to if we divorce. He would not give me an answer other than "do what you want", so I took that as he's not serious about me getting a job, or he'd have given me an answer?

  Ceruleanblue, this doesn't sound like someone who has a plan to moveout in 60 days. October is 60 days away. Are you sure you are ready? Have you talked to a lawyer? Are you sure this is not to get his attention?

Have there been any talks of a trial separation? That would be a lot less "conflict" than a moveout while he is away. He will probably call your "bluff" and say, do what you want. There are ways out that aren't so high on he conflict scale.

[formflier]

Hey, I read through this post and tried to get a sense of what you and your husband have been up to in the past little bit.

I see lots of mixed messages coming from you and coming from your husband.  He is not here, so I'm more concerned with you.

Big picture:  Whatever path you choose to take (divorce, undecided, stay and improve) YOU are going to have to be the emotionally healthy one in the r/s.  There needs to be some sort of "north star" for everyone to navigate their life from. A disordered person has problems with navigation even when the north star is stable.  Imagine what happens to them when you start moving their "fixed point" around.  :)isordered can go nuclear... .fast. If anyone is going to be a "north star"... .it is you.

Right now, I'm not seeing that from you.  I'm seeing mixed messages (at best) and punishment (at worst).  Only you know your true motivation Telling him you are gone, staying and having sex with him, moving out of bedroom, still having sex with him, laying with him after you move out (to comfort him?), rejecting his sexual advances... .likely I am leaving something out here.

I'm a guy... .I'll let the crowd determine how "normal" I am.  But I can't make heads or tails of the above behavior.'  I'll also confess that this was present in my r/s for a long time.  Wife would be in my bedroom, then be gone, then be ticked off that I didn't "notice" that she moved out, then she would screw my brains out, then I would be a failure because I didn't "want" her back enough... . Uggggg... .that is/was horrible stuff.

Listen... .CB, I am really in your corner.   My advice is that you take a day or two to thing about what you are trying to communicate to your husband.  Post about that.  We can help you figure out where to go from there.

FF

[flourdust]

Let me add one additional cautionary note.

Your husband may not go on that October trip you are counting on. He's demonstrated a lot of volatility (as is common with BPD), and I recall you mentioning him having issues at work as well. If he senses that something is changing with you or he just gets more and more unstable in your current confusing living situation, he might decide for impulsive reasons not to go on the trip. I actually know someone who is having that experience right now. She and her BPDh are talking about divorce; he's destabilizing, and he's cancelling, rescheduling, and recancelling trips on practically a daily basis. Unpredictable.

Make your plans to leave as soon as possible, and be ready to pull that trigger when you NEED to. You may not get to keep to a schedule that seems solid right now.

[michel71]

  Skip:

Sometimes we "cheerlead" others into not so favorable situations.

We had one member here who we (as a community) encouraged to fight and play dirty. We eventually all got to see him on Dr. Phil sitting across from his teenage daughter who was begging him to get out of her life... .with Dr. Phil's encouragement. He spent years and a lot of money to get to this place.

We had another member who we (as a community) encouraged to fight to win and he ended up being interviewed on Good Morning America by Matt Lauer who had a panel of experts condemn him for what he had done. He also spent years and a lot of money to get to this very dark place.

WOW is all I can say. I think it is pretty clear that on the Boards you will find a wide range of opinions based on people's circumstances and emotions regarding same. I obviously was not on this site when the HERD mentality existed and drove the above poor people to eventual television exposure. I certainly don't see a gang up mentality here; if anything, I think the consensus is that this spectrum disorder is challenging and that ultimately we all should consider ourselves and our needs and what is best FOR US. The common denominator here is that most of us tend to lose ourselves a bit ( or a lot) before things get better or worse.

I am not going to sugar coat my opinion (and it again is just my opinion) that the poster is in for a hell of a ride.