Headed toward a confrontation now

[Pine Knoll]

Hopefully this makes sense ... things have gotten so bad around the home, I have to do something ... I came up with this plan this morning (Tuesday - originally posted on another board) ... .my therapist thought is was in order and a good, sound plan ... .thoughts comments, suggestions?

Tuesday: Make a plan:

Big Picture: get self and girls out of the house Thursday night (while uBPDw is at Work); get uBPDw’ stay at Your house P … if you are sure it really is OK, it will make the girls feel safer.

Tuesday Logistics:
1)   Call attorney (share plan?)
2)   Girls pack for “Vacation” (which has been planned for Sat)
3)   uBPDw is out of the house from 3-9 or 10 (self-care message after work)
4)   Money Two sources of cash/capital I have to secure
a.   lump sum (bonus in checking from July 1) needs to go to new account – for now, for ease, I am going to open my own new account at Key bank so it can be transferred instantaneously (comments?)
b.   Home equity line of credit - I will write a check against it and deposit into new account (I don’t think uBPDw can get to it any faster) –
c.   she does not have access to E-trade –
5)   Meet with Therapist – share plan see if she has any other recommendation


Wednesday:
1)   Call JO, call off trip (stop niece from coming on Friday)
2)   Girls continue to pack for Vacation
3)   What am I forgetting?
4)   Take my bikes to P’s … I am serious if there is anything  I think uBPDw will attack it will be those, and I will need them

Thursday :
1)   PTO - unofficially
2)   Take care of any lose ends
3)   get the girls to P’s house late Thursday afternoon, wait for uBPDw to get home about 8pm – ask her, I have cancelled vacation and ask her to seek in patient … I will not bring the girls back to the home until she seeks this help (it has not been safe – glasses and lamps thrown – aggressive mean verbal and written bullying of my daughters. There is very good chance my uDBPw will attack me at this point ... .and I will have to call the police ... .

Buys me 72 hr to get her parent here to care for her when she gets out – she will be suicidal – gives me time to talk to them. Stay away until behavior improves (or forever – tbd,  almost certainly later)
 
What do you guys think? Green River

[Pine Knoll]

 -- my last response from the other Board --

All really helpful comments, thank you all. I will have a witness present - about 28-29 hrs before I confront her - so far everything is going as smoothly as I could expect - I know the hospital and ER where I will take her. I have decided that this is step 1 to a divorce and I repost on on the other (this one) board ... I am trying to get an attorney, but not luck yet - the opportunity to this just arose and I had to take it (the throwing and cutting on Sat caused me to pull the trigger - and some other things like her sending nasty texts to my daughter's friends and nasty texts to my daughter). My biggest fear is that she says she is not a danger to herself ... .and they don't admit her ... .cause I know if I leave her there is a very good chance she will kill herself and my daughters will never forgive me. GR

[Thunderstruck]

Change all of your passwords on all of your accounts. Have you secured the legal docs (birth certificates, passports, etc)? Those should go into a safe place like a safety deposit box. Anything of sentimental value that you want to keep should be removed from the house. You might not get a chance to get any of it later.

Check the recording laws in your area. I would record any interactions with your stbx. You may get false accusations of DV if your stbx feels backed up into a corner.

What is the plan if your stbx doesn't seek treatment? Are you and your girls prepared to stay with "P" for an extended time? What about school?

[puck]

Green River, you have my support and sympathy, having been through something similar myself.

Thoughts on your plan:

- Get digital copies of all your family photos and videos on an external hard drive. Store somewhere safe.
- Check that all the transactions and amounts of your financial plan with your lawyer. Ensure that you won't be seen to be taking more than your fair share.
- Ensure you have all important official documents for you and your children (birth certificates, passports, social security information, financial documents, medical records, baptism records, etc.).
- If you can, see if you can secure or copy your spouse's records if there is anything that could support a future custody case (e.g. medical records, records of employment, e-mails, etc.)  as allowed in your jurisdiction.
- Take down all social media accounts you have. Where possible, do not leave a public record of any discussion of your case or relationship that could be used against you (including online).
- Change all banking and computer passwords, and ensure you have one e-mail account she doesn't know about for important communications that has no linkages to your existing accounts. If need be, have your work e-mail address be the backup account.
- Remove any personal files from shared computers and electronic devices, erase cookies and internet history so your passwords are removed or restore devices to factory settings. Store any electronic data that you value on an external hard drive or laptop.
- Have your children pack special mementos they would miss if destroyed.
- If your lawyer thinks it's prudent, provide notice to the local police station of your plan in case there is an incident that requires their attention.
- Remove any firearms from the house if their removal won't be detected. Police can give advice on safe storage options.
- Keep a detailed handwritten journal of your wife's behaviour in the next few days as a record of her behaviours surrounding the separation.
- Don't leave your children alone with her.
- Have witnesses with you as you leave who can attest to the state of the home upon your departure. Take photos of the house. (Serves double duty as a good visual record of your personal effects in case you later need to split assets.)
- Advise your children's school of the events as recommended by your lawyer if there is any concern of abduction risk or violence toward the children.
- Keep a record of all the professionals who've advised you on your strategy, including case numbers, dates, and names. If they can provide written documentation to you now of your contact, that's ideal.
- If you have time, schedule an appointment with your children's doctor to address concern about the family situation and advise of the plan.

Good luck!

[puck]

I should add that your wife's behaviours are hers alone, and any harm she inflicts on herself or others is hers to own. If, heaven forbid, your wife did fatally self-harm, your daughters would learn in the fullness of time that the family was trapped in a dangerous situation, and that you acted out of love to protect everyone to the best of your ability.

Courage!

[adventurer]

You may consider opening your new, individual account at a different bank than the one that has your joint account. It is possible the bank could put your individual account responsible for any overdrafts on the joint account if they are at the same branch.

If you do this, take out the money in CASH not cashier's check because the new bank may restrict access to the funds for a time until they verify the cashier's check is good.

Just a possibility to weigh - the odds of overdraft either due to poor management skills or vindictiveness versus the hassle of setting up a new bank.