Six years and battle weary - time to let go?

[Losinghope01]

My son is no longer a child. He is 20. The rages, rants, hate, accusations, vile assaults, broken windows and holes in my walls. Today, another sword thru my heart. He laughs at me and mimicks me when I speak. I try and try again. I say to myself I'll be strong, I'll listen, I'll acknowledge, I'll hear and validate. But even that does not get beond Five minutes before the tears are streaming down my face. Only to be ridiculed for playing the victim, laughed at for speaking in "that sqeaky sweet phony fake voice", and assured that anything I had to say would make no difference because it was all lies. I got up and walked away when he said he'd had enough of my fake attempt at talking. Yet, after I did he stormed into my bedroom, read what I was writing (notes to self) made a vile comment about that then proceeded to stand very close to me in an intimating way, eating his potato chips loudly, burping in my face, laughing at my tears, and demanding I talk. I was afraid. I got him out of my room by calling my ex husnand his father and putting him on speaker and told him I was afraid. He walked out.  I locked my door.   ... .the rage contined outside my locked door that I have yet to open (6 hours now) and... .I want out. I am paying fir his college, cellphone, car insurance etc. I want out. My soul cannot endure such continuous abuse.  ... .two nights ago he told me he was researching me on the internet... .wth?  Thank u for reading and thank u for any guidance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Oh my so sorry to hear this it is all too familiar here to all of us ,this disease is so severe and dangerous for us caretakers , please think about having him stay with his father for a while or somewhere else... You need a break for yourself and NEED to take care of yourself now.   

[RunningWithScissors]

LosingHope - you deserve to be happy and your son deserves to live his life.  It's time for him to take on more independence.  It will be a challenging transition for both of you, but it's necessary.  You will need to be very clear on your boundaries and what the next steps are because I suspect he will push back big time.  I just read on another website 'Empowering Parents' that those kids who are the least willing and prepared to live independently resist attempts to help them learn independent living skills the most strenuously.  However, you are living in a toxic environment with abuse, threats (implied or otherwise) and at odds with your values.  This is not OK.

And now for the tough love for you, my dear - you have contributed to this situation.  You will need to learn more about boundaries and even co-dependency which may have allowed the situation to develop as it has.  Also, there's many links on these boards about avoiding circular arguments and how to validate effectively.  I would recommend counselling for you, if only to learn how your responses and beliefs have evolved and what could be more effective ways of dealing with people in your life.  Speaking from experience, when I learned and clarified what my core values were, establishing firm boundaries was much easier and the guilt diminished.  Again, not an easy process but well worth the effort.

For now, I hope you can get some separation from your son in order to catch your breath.  You can love your son but not tolerate his behaviours.  If you're worried how to get him out of the house, perhaps having a chat with the police to review the process prior to any conversations/confrontations will clarify your legal rights and what resources are available to you.  You can also research resources available to him, such as housing, medical and emotional support - and have a print out available.  Whether he uses these suggestions will be up to him.

Good luck and take care.

[wendydarling]

Hello losinghope

I join mggt and runningwithscissors in welcolming you to bpdfamily, though sorry why you are here.

Has your son received a BPD diagnosis? I'm sorry he is hurting you so, have you consulted your doctor to see how they can support you and your son?

Six years is a long, long time, I hope you find strength, we are walking with you.

WDx