Had to use compassion today :(

[Lilyroze]

Well sbxUBPD has crashed over 7 cars I believe in past couple of years. 4 within past year, 2 of those within 2 days of each other.

Then destroyed new ( good used car) with not watching water or engine valve ( as he had is thumb over it?). So paid to get it fixed, worked it all out. This is after he got mad at me two months ago slammed the car in reverse a couple times or whatever and ruined the clutch. Of which had repaired and took care of.

I did it so he would not rage etc. In fairness there was a couple things in there I ordered parts, got instructions and he did work. I will give credit where credit is do. Glad he could do it. I had to do most all the getting together but was worth it to me, so we could have his car for him for work, hospital etc. and we could move forward.

This whole fiasco has cost me thousands upon thousands this year alone. And well they don't give crash discounts at DMV new registrations, titles etc. Not to mention the insurance has doubled. All while I am trying to hold things together, pay all of the two houses and keep myself out of debt.

Fast forward to he broke the car today, oil pump, drove it too long and now seized the engine. Did I mention seized destroyed engine. Right after he spent a week working on head gasket etc. Again will give credit. But told him was suppose to take 10 hours, prepare for much more, as he never did before. Instead took all week off had his boss, furious. Again his business, not mine, his work, vacation or lack of etc. He did credit due etc.

To top it off already took off a week this week to fix what he thought was a small problem to find he seized the engine. Does not live with me, we are close to getting this all ended.  Calls me threatened someone at work. I think we might finally get an evaluation and diagnosis. Already had something unofficial from hospital after an episode last month, they wanted to make sure I was safe... .sigh

Now had to calmly walk him through this, which I don't mind. Validated, showed concern, walked him through. Spent all day found another used one owner original Volvo, lots of miles but impeccable, maintained, great shape, extra parts for waiting for it 300.00 bless the Dear person selling to me truly. I have already thanked and said prayers for them... .

I did it not to be co or take on for my sanity as work threatened he can't take off next week, need the peace as wanted to come here and have me help him, stay here, quit, go back to the hospital for lungs and thinks he is dying.

Did I mention I need to finish a few things with the houses, taxes, life etc... .for kids and I. But good thing got through it, no he is NOT staying here, coming back here, sleeping here, making drama here.

Good thing is in holistic health but had a diagnosis from all stress that scared kids and I and waiting for it? My glands and finally getting back to normal. Heart still working on it, but hey still working and getting ready for a ride later.

Life is good, I am trying to be in compassion for myself as well, got a gift from someone treasuring it, having a bubble bath later after run. Enjoying a glass strawberry passion smoothie.

Life is good folks I didn't end up in the hospital... .hehe I am so zen or in shock not sure which but again smiling life is good. Will be calm here as usual, be peaceful and try to get the car picked up ( meaning him or whatever) until in hands and registered who knows.

Will have to remind him to put on insurance etc or he won't like last time and almost crash with none. I put it on 14 hours before his last crash, as he picked up car and "forgot " to.

Yes he is still on joint insurance, just till all done, he couldn't afford it without my discount... .

Take care all, find the joy, smile and keep going.

Compassion worked, empathy and validation worked. Though he did flip out before calling and ended up taken in. That is a blessing in disguise for kids and I. Hopefully for him as well to see needs help. When we officially part he needs to be able to handle life, and I wish he well.

Sorry just needed to vent somewhere, and well remember my rule. My gratitude challenge for 60 days ( made it through 30 so started again) not to complain in real life. On here, and one throw away account. Only other good wrote an article on empathy on private board, approached and might be the proud owner of my own mindfulness business site  and forum. Truly must concentrate on my other business etc, and will not neglect, take too much on, just this will be my fun, inspiring that can tie some of my other fun ones in it. It is truly just a beginner start up, and not much but will be

[formflier]

Now had to calmly walk him through this, which I don't mind. 

Language matters... .

"had to" or "decided to".  I'm assuming there was a choice.

 

Hang in there...

What would happen if he was not insulated from his choices with cars?


FF

[Lilyroze]

For now what would have happened , well would have had him trying to live here, not further away. In fact his solution was to come here for days to try and fix, or get another job, sleep here for awhile or quit. NO>... .just no. He has been up there now for quite awhile don't need that.

Would have had a harder time making budget with all we have to pay for .

He would have quit before I got the support for my son or divorce settlement. He probably would have gone back to his safe " I am sick and dying and go to hospital for physical problems" that get better when he wants them to now or fun. So a way to quit or blame me.

So for now kept him up there commuting, go to work and hospital on his own. Has hurt me financially and whatever instead of being able to do some of the things.

But in the long run better off. So don't want to trade long term things for short term satisfaction of him losing job or worse. Not that I mean I would want that, but more then likely would have happened. He threatened to quit, run away etc. I had to be calm then to when he crashed, wrecked whatever until the property issues are settled. Which should be soon.

I feel sorry for him and bad he will have to face this alone or new one in life will have to deal with all. But will have compassion and empathy for him, but more for my children and I to have the freedom to invest, save, be safe, calm and drama free. Compassion for my heart and kids more.

So in mean time have had to deal with it these years and now, but not much longer. In the end no one can say I didn't lend a hand, give grace, be the bigger one or compassionate.

By next week he will, when forgets or what did you do for me now, or rages but I in my heart will know and so will God. I will also know I did it for long term rewards of freedom.

[Lilyroze]

UGH... .painted white, which is lovely to not be raged at. But knowing the spying, wiretapping and now legal involved with is just hard. Sorry for any ranting or complaining don't mean to. Just letting it out here, not in life. Seeing the nuttiness for what it is helps.

He now thinks it is lovely having another car, after just destroying the one. How do you work on it, get things paid done, then wreck engine in a few weeks time. After working on such engine, clutch etc.  :)oes he not watch gauges etc?

He now doesn't want divorce, and wants to work on it for the next 3 years. What? No just no... .we live separate, have been separate martial wise many years,   and papers. Actually thought and was going to be done years ago, but took care of in sickness, etc.

 I have help now with the spying, have my work, friends and now business so I will be fine.

He has raged, screamed, insulted me, threatened, has no interest in his son, wanted this as well as I ... .I can't seem to understand his reality or thinking.

Validating, compassion, empathy and give grace yes. This no... . No just no... . :)oing what is best for myself, my children, my life, my peace and my business. No just no... .

Going to get this done. Has to be. Did I mention I have not let him in house here for year. Has been rotten, mean, so LC to phone, dropping and picking up things outside of house. Try to be kind, as above, don't lower myself to his actions, ways or behavior. Try to give credit where due, thank for anything done for me, try to help him by not being like some getting divorced. I am responsible for what I accept, and have the standards, and boundaries set.

 Going to go for a ride, enjoy the night, work on my business, talk to friends, garden, and just enjoy peace.
Be happy all. I am so done with this craziness. Truly

[Fian]

To be honest, you should let him fix the problem with his car/work, but I understand that you are just trying to keep peace for the next 30 days until the divorce is final.  Once it is final, he shouldn't be on your insurance, and you shouldn't help him fix/find cars.  At least that is my personal opinion.

[Lilyroze]

Thank you Fian, yes totally agree. Especially about insurance etc. That is the plan, just hope can get this all done without drama or further chaos.  Appreciate the reply and insight. Always helps to have someone from outside give your some thoughts.

Not sure how long will take some complicated property etc. but should be soon, and will just keep going.

[Oncebitten]

LR

you are to be commended for taking the high road in all of this.  And I have to agree with Fian, he continues to create his own problems and must be left to deal them on his own. 

you have taken on more of his problems than you should.  Try to hold in there until the divorce is final... .and do exactly what you are thinking about... .take care of you.

[lar, laris]

I really admire the huge bravery it must be taking to extricate yourself from what sounds like a very stressful long-term situation, Lilyroze. 

I'm so glad that you have beloved family, a business, places like your garden to connect with your inner peace, as you move forward.  You seem blessed with the ability to perceive the gifts in your life even with deep turmoil around.  I'm glad of that for you, too. 

Thank you for sharing and helping others.

lar, laris