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Self Esteem & putting yourself first... fine line before selfishness come in.
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Topic: Self Esteem & putting yourself first... fine line before selfishness come in. (Read 454 times)
Herodias
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787
Self Esteem & putting yourself first... fine line before selfishness come in.
«
on:
August 12, 2016, 06:24:45 PM »
All this talk about putting yourself first has made me wonder if we have to be careful where to draw the line. Honestly, I am not sure I am capable of completely putting myself first. I suppose more than I ever did before in certain ways. Like not allowing ourselves to be used and abused. I don't want to be selfish like our exes... .I was telling someone about thoughts I had on dating today... .she said why do you do that to yourself? I was basically putting myself down and not thinking someone would want to be with me. I suppose I didn't even realize I was doing it. She got angry and told me to stop it. She said I have to be more confidant and expect more for myself. To know that I cannot decide who will like me as I am or not. That is their choice and I should not decide that for other people. Makes sense... .I never thought of it that way. I always thought I picked damaged people because I actually felt better than them somehow and wanted to lift them up, somehow lifting myself up. If I think I am damaged goods then why wouldn't someone else? Right now I do feel a bit damaged for having gone through a tragic relationship like this... .I have learned allot. I just still don't feel that great about myself... .How do you get self esteem? How do you decide you are worthy of a healthy relationship when all you have known is bad? I know that is how some people get stuck in doing the same thing over and over... .I know I will not do that... .I am just still afraid I think. I will talk myself into being interested in someone and then talk myself out of it and why it can't work... .I am very frustrating to myself!
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10403
Re: Self Esteem & putting yourself first... fine line before selfishness come in.
«
Reply #1 on:
August 15, 2016, 01:59:33 PM »
Hi Herodias,
I think it's natural to be scared of dating for anyone in general. I worried about making a similar mistake with making a wrong choice for a partner. I think that what helps is to learn to listen to your intution and to trust yourself, if you have boundaries trust that they will take care of you. Boundaries is about self compassion, our exes where selfish because they were self absorbed, they were self absorbed because they had a lot going in internally and it's difficult to put yourself in someone's place. Self compassion and self-care is not selfish, it's good to do a lot of self-care, if you take care of yourself it helps with other relationships in life because your happier.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
purekalm
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 294
Re: Self Esteem & putting yourself first... fine line before selfishness come in.
«
Reply #2 on:
August 16, 2016, 01:07:16 PM »
Hey Herodias,
Funny, I was just posting something along this line on coping and healing about positive entitlement and how it's hard for me to do because of my FOO. I think there is a line, and it's called loving yourself
not
being
in
love with yourself. You've got plenty of examples from your ex what that looks like I'm sure. I know I do.
I think, we have to take an honest look at where we're at. Our struggles with co-dependency and self love. Also, think about the simple statement of treating others how you want to be treated. If you treat others with respect, then respect yourself. If you give others autonomy, give it to yourself. If others are allowed to heal over time and not even think about dating for a year/s, then why shouldn't you be allowed it? I know it's harder than saying it, I still struggle myself.
Also, I totally get the overthinking part. Try to use any calming techniques, even just stopping thinking and taking a breath or two. When I realize, which takes a minute to get a hold of, that I'm thinking myself into oblivion I try to immediately stop myself and either physically do something else or purposely think of mundane tasks I need to finish or something and go back to it later with a fresh mind. It's difficult, but possible. =)
I read in an earlier thread that one of the main reasons you don't think anyone will be interested is because of your weight. First, I know first hand that there are all kinds of people that are interested in all kinds of people. Plus, if you may not keep up the exercise because you don't particularly like to do it, then isn't that a little of false advertisement? There are so many people who do things just to be with someone that they won't do after, it's better to be your authentic self and let that man fall in love with you for YOU, just the way you are. Your appearance is only part of the deal. If you're healthy and happy, then don't change that just to be accepted. We are all heavily flawed. I personally prefer not to look plastic like so many people do nowadays.
Love you first Herodias, you're worth it. =)
Sincerely,
Purekalm
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